Before we get into the bloody and messy specifics regarding the power trio law enforcement officers who double as the multi-faceted subjects for this ranking, we have to say that the worst album from London, England’s The Police is better than all unlawful activity that has ever taken place globally, and most certainly the best Fun Lovin’ Criminals full-length that came out. The Police not only have other songs not called “Every Breath You Take,” but they have five LPs, and we are ranking them from worst to best below. No live records or compilation albums made the cut, as we are sticklers for accuracy and happiness. Also, the band’s 1977-1986 run should be studied by all bands trying to make it, as Sting, Andy Summers, and Stewart Copeland are better than you in every way and have the sales, critical acclaim, gumption, and tantric gestures to prove it!
5. Ghost in the Machine (1981)
The Police’s fourth full-length studio album was their biggest departure at the time and, frankly, of all time, nixing a formerly sneering and salivating punk rock attitude and pick it up, pick it up reggae and ska upstrokes in favor of saccharine and all things sweet, which isn’t a bad thing per se, but one album had to be listed last here, so if you’re not happy about this, keep living your sad life in darkness. Too much information? Who cares because as we all know, every little thing you do ISN’T magic. Still, like pretty much everything that The Police put out, “Ghost in the Machine” was more than critically acclaimed by inferior publications and the like, and said effort sold enough units to showcase that fans didn’t care what genre they were performing as long as they connected with the tunes. Also, the cover looks like what displays on the Predator’s wrist in “Predator” right before he blows himself up, and that movie rules.
Play it again: “Every Little Thing That She Does Is Magic”
Skip it: “Omegaman”
4. Reggatta de Blanc (1979)
You’d be hard pressed to find a better opening track to a 1970s or any other decade LP than “Message in a Bottle,” but such gems are what casual and hardcore fans expect from The Police, and the band’s sophomore full-length was the polar opposite of a slump by any stretch of a yogi’s imagination. The album’s actual title loosely translates in French to “White Reggae” and said moniker is more than accurate, and trumps known racist Eric Clapton’s cover of Bob Marley’s “I Shot The Sheriff” by way more than cocaine-laced bullets. The ranking of this one and the next to be mentioned could change on the day based purely on the songs.
Play it again: “Message in a Bottle”
Skip it: “Does Everyone Stare”
3. Outlandos d’Amour (1978)
“Next to You,” the first song on the band’s debut album “Outlandos d’Amour” started the band’s career with a bang and then some. Three-tenths of this album are literally three hit songs known as “Roxanne,” “Can’t Stand Losing You,” and “So Lonely,” so beat that, The Knack? Self produced albums sometimes get a flurry of sneers, but this one was a far cry from a curl of one’s lip and provided a sonic blueprint for others to be DIY till they die or sign a major label deal with A&M. Thank goodness to the world that this album’s original title could have been “Police Brutality” as said dad joke pun would have murdered anyone who enjoyed “Roxanne,” and the band would have had to stand losing you.
Play it again: “Roxanne”
Skip it: “Masoko Tanga”
2. Zenyatta Mondatta (1980)
One of the lesser spoken of or journaled about records from The Police is without question or hesitation a no “skip it” effort front to back, and demands your attention far more than a pork pie suit ever could. Thus, it wins the silver medal here, but as you all know, second place is the first loser, so we are in effect, driving the band and Zenyatta aficionados to wet and unrelenting tears. If you’re curious, and we know that you are, both “zenyatta” and “mondatta” are made up words, and we will de do do do, de da da da till the sun comes out or are notified to quit by our legal guardian Lawrence as a result. This record is the band’s last non-English album title, and also their final Warped Tour-esque sans screamo or guyliner release. Bombs away.
Play it again: Zenyatta to Mondatta
Skip it: In front of your camel
1. Synchronicity (1983)
The Police’s fifth and final album, is quite a freaking swan song, to say the least, complete with actual song sequels and a literal murder by numbers. In fact, one might say that it formed a perfect final LP blueprint for all bands moving forward with style, grace, walking, and breaths. Speaking of something that should definitely be regal, “King of Pain,” the album’s third of five singles, is their best and most underrated radio track, and likely the band’s highest quality song from a songwriting component altogether. We know that “Weird Al” Yankovic likely introduced you to this track in the form of suede, and honestly, that doesn’t make us mad; Dr. Demento is “mad.” In closing, sad is sometimes worse than mad, and we will take every breath for the rest of our lives with an unlikely and frowning yearning for album #6. Thank you, mother(s).
Play it again: “Synchronicity I”-“Murder By Numbers”
Skip it: Stalking
This might come as a surprise to some, but Eve 6 truly doesn’t have a bad album in their five LP catalog. However, there has to be something listed in the bottom stinker spot here. Still, we have one question for the peanut gallery and it goes like this, “What the hell is a ‘relevisation’?” Anyway, we’re more than stoked that a band that formed in 1995 has new material this decade, so beggars can’t be choosers. Also, “Hyper Relevisation” came out approximately ten years after their next to-be-mentioned full-length, so we hope it provides a revelushow throughout the underground, foreground, overground, and foreskin, and a sixth comes out in nine years or less.
Eve 6’s first and only album on Fearless Records, came out almost a decade after their final of three major label efforts, and, as we alluded to earlier, can aggressively get your toes tapping more than any other LP in their catalog; trust us. Opening with its best song “Curtain,” and going right into the catchy first single “Victoria,” Eve 6 proved that they were still a one-two punch force long after their teenage years, and “Speak in Code” remains the band’s second most slept upon effort. Wake up, ’90s kids, and read on! There are at least eight or nine songs here that will pique your interest! Returning to Don Gilmore of Linkin Park, Lit, Good Charlotte, and Ludwig van Beethoven fame, for production like he did on albums #1 and 2 was a righteous move even though their third LP sounded fantastic as well.
While Eve 6’s sophomore full-length sounds huger than any LP in their catalog in the best way, and is more than a solid sequel in any right, wrong, manner, or song, its twelve songs just aren’t as endearing as the ones on their self-titled debut album, so it lands in the bronze medal position. Still, “Here’s to the Night,” the album’s third single (remember those?) is their most montage-worthy tune BY FAR, and populates graduations, weddings, proms, and your great aunt Edna’s 1958 Ford Edsel to this very day, twenty-four years after it came out! The album’s first single “Promise” was also a hit in its own right, and has one of the best and most self-aware dad jokes in the lines to its bridge, “Why you gotta keep the fan on high when it’s cold outside? Just wanna let you know that I’m still a fan, get it?”
Eve 6’s almost perfect debut self-titled full-length studio album came out at the most optimal time for numbered bands like blink-182, SR-71, Matchbox Twenty, and Stone Temple Twenty-One Pilots to succeed, and ended the ’90s in a tight longsleeve shirt style complete with a stylish necklace, all whilst counting to six at the top of its plastic lungs. Peaking at number one on Billboard’s US Heatseekers Albums charts is also nothing to scoff at for any band, and neither is selling one million physical copies of ANYTHING! We dare any act in this day and age to counter said stat in the age of streaming. Basically, the three-piece deserves an enthusiastic clap not just on Saturday nights, but on all seven of ‘em. In closing, who can forget hearing “Open Road Song” during “Can’t Hardly Wait,” which is one of the more underrated comedies from the ’90s. Not us.
We’re still shocked that this record isn’t often spoken with the same reverence as its two former releases, by the general public, but that’s sadly how the cookie often crumbles, and we’re still here waiting for more public and private praise over some half-eaten stale chocolate chips. This sentence may sound like a stretch, but we’ll happily die on this two-pronged hill: “Think Twice” is the band’s best single AND this effort is a “no skip” release. Sadly, this album is what got the band dropped from RCA Records and the band called it a day one year later for a well-deserved three-year hiatus. Was closing this album with a song called “Arch Drive Goodbye” a coincidence given the band’s eventual halt? We’ll never really know, but at least we’re dreaming.