MINNEAPOLIS — Local priest Pastor Stephen Kramer is reportedly suffering a crisis of faith after hearing Christian ska band Skadom and Gomhorna play for his congregation, members of his church confirmed.
“War, famine, disease—I’ve always been able to reconcile these terrible things as part of God’s unknowable plan, but when I heard that Christian ska music it was so horrific it made me question if the Almighty loves us, or even exists at all,” said Pastor Kramer, tossing his bible in a trash can. “All those heavy metal bands are satanic, but they at least speak to a darker side of the human condition that we can understand and overcome. But what kind of a God would permit a grotesque, nihilistic band like Skadom and Gomhorna to inflict such suffering on his flock that he supposedly loves? No God I want to worship.”
After the traumatizing incident, one member of the priest’s church revealed he wasn’t the only one starting to second guess their commitment to the faith.
“You should have seen the chaotic scene when that so-called band played that awful song, ‘Land of Skank and Horney,’ and started doing some weird dance like they were possessed by the devil. Everyone ran for the exits with their ears bleeding, and I thought it was the seven horns signaling the beginning of the apocalypse,” said longtime church member Reynold Altavilla. “Ever since that day, Pastor Kramer has been very distant and the crowd at Sunday service hasn’t been that sparse since that Christian karate team called Kickin’ It For Christ performed for us in the ‘90s.”
But while countless members of the church were scarred by the incident, the ska band’s lead singer James “Brassy J” Collins told a different account of their concert.
“You should have seen the crowd go wild when we started playing our hit single ‘Hark, the Herald Angels Skank.’ They were running around and speaking in tongues like they were possessed with the Holy Spirit! It’s times like this that renew my faith that my band was put on this earth to point our mighty horn section at all of God’s children and blast his message of Skalvation directly into their grateful faces,” said Collins, filling in the checkers on his Vans slip-ons to make a crucifix. “And just like Jesus at Bethsaida, we were feeding the hungry masses a mouthful of ska with five servings of hornbread and two fishbones.”
In an attempt to rejuvenate his faith, Pastor Kramer reportedly went to a Christian music festival over the weekend, but gave up entirely after a 17-minute song by Christian prog rock band King of Kings Crimson just made it worse.