ALEXANDRIA, Va. — A bombshell study recently revealed a Conservative think tank spent $40 million trying to find a way to frame Girl Scout cookies as woke, Washington insiders reported.
“We’re just as surprised as anyone else that it cost this much to character-assassinate the Girl Scouts, considering how effortlessly we turned the conservative base against Bud Light and Target for acknowledging the trans community as human beings. We figured if we could also convince voters that Girl Scout cookies were woke, and that women’s empowerment is a threat to national security. Boy were we dead wrong,” said Conservatives Against Everything (CAE) founder Bob Williams. “Seriously no matter how many studies and focus groups we’ve conducted, even in the deep South, could we find anyone who would turn their back on the cookies. I can’t believe we blew through our year’s budget just to get our asses handed to us by Thin Mints.”
Many young members of the Girl Scouts were shocked to learn that so much effort was being put into undermining the organization’s mission.
“I’m only in the fourth grade, but I think that money could be spent on something like my school having enough supplies. I wonder if these are the same creeps who are always watching us from a distance when we’re selling cookies outside of the grocery store and asking if we knew about critical race theory, or if nonbinary vegans like Tagalongs,” said Natalie Smith. “Maybe they’ll move on now, since our pack leader put one of them in a chokehold last week after he asked if I had my period yet.”
Experts in feminist history were not surprised by the conservative plot to tarnish the image of Girl Scout cookies.
“Preventing women from having anything nice is as American as apple pie, but going after little treats is a new low even for conservatives. It absolutely doesn’t matter that a cookie can’t be ‘woke’, but they’ll stop at nothing to win the culture war,” said Professor of Feminist History Laurie Jones. “These think tanks are always inventing new schemes, like when they said the YWCA was training women to conquer men, or that Greta Gerwig was the head of the Illuminati. Fortunately the bond between humanity and Girl Scout cookies is unbreakable. They will pry Samoas out of the American public’s cold, dead hands.”
After exhausting their funding for the foreseeable future, CAE recommended to conservative leaders to fall back on the continuing narrative that illegal immigrants are lacing Thin Mints with fentanyl.