The Killers are one of the single biggest rock acts of the this millennium, a powerhouse band propelled by the incredible showmanship and charisma of singer Brandon Flowers and three other guys in the background. The band is also one of the few Christian bands that can make any claim to having any kind of chill at all, which is not saying a lot.
But if you’re a youth pastor and you need to make a bunch of pimply teens who have been corralled into a high gym against their will pay any attention to the word of Christ, you’re going to need to seem at least a little bit cool. The sometimes-coherent lyrics of Brandon Flowers, a devout member of the Church of Latter Day Saints, are your friend here, and you’re going to fucking need it because these kids are goddamn heathens.
So, do you have an acoustic guitar with a braided waist strap and a desire to get the word of our Lord through the thick skulls of these slack-jawed teens? If so, keep these words in mind:
“Human”
“Am I human, or am I dancer?”
We’ll begin with one of Flowers’ most grammar-free lyrics, which begs the question: what exactly are you asking here, dude? However, the open-ended humanism of “Human” is a great opener for dealing with these young seekers of Jesus and lets them know you’re not afraid to cut a rug if you want. That’s something kids say, right? Cut a rug? You can also use this song to reference TikTok dance trends and how Jesus was the original “Influencer.”
“Spaceman”
“The spaceman says, “Everybody look down/ It’s all in your mind”
You know who was a real “spaceman?” That’s right, our Lord and Savior, Jesus. He lives in the sky, he’s all-knowing, and he looks down on everyone, just like his true Christian followers. If you get those teens to stop sneaking off to smoke cigarettes behind the gym, like Presbyterians, this one might make them see you as one of the “gang.”
“Some Kind of Love”
“You’ve got the soul of a truck on a long-distance haul”
Kids love trucks. That’s a given. Even if all your practical experience comes from Pastor Colin’s pamphlets, you know that a line like this will open those kids’ hearts to the suffering of the Lamb as He died on the Cross at Calvary. If that doesn’t work, you learned how to play a new barre chord recently, which is pretty cool.
“Just Another Girl”
“All of my friends say/ It’s a great big world”
This will imply to the teens that you both have friends and you’ve actually left your hometown a few times. Both will raise your coolness level and perhaps help a few of them escape the everlasting fires of Hell. Not most of them, but perhaps the few of them that didn’t TP your scooter.
“Be Still”
“Life is short to say the least/ We’re in the belly of the beast”
You’re not one of those youth pastors who’s not afraid to get into the dark, scary parts of the Bible, like…the Devil! To be fair, you think that the “belly of the beast” thing might actually be about ‘Pinocchio” rather than Satan, but Disney is pretty much the same thing these days. Maybe burn a few DVDs, just in case.
“Bling (Confession Of A King)”
“So I ran with the devil/ Left a trail of excuses/ Like a stone on the water”
Those kids need to know if they keep on with their heavy metal and denim pants, they might as well be running with the Devil himself. Sometimes, in order to be kind of cool, you have to put the fear of God into them, even if you have no idea what Brandon Flowers means half of the time.
“Fire In Bone”
“Higher and higher, higher and higher”
Nothing gets teens to shut off their brains and accept the word of Christ the Redeemer better than a good mindless chant. “Higher and higher” works just as well as anything else, though you might have to get a few of them to stop giggling about that damn devil-weed they think you don’t know they snort or whatever.
“Mr. Brightside”
“It started out with a kiss/ how did it end up like this?”
It’s about Judas. Fucking duh. Kissing leads to crucifixion, it’s right there in the Bible.
“Flesh and Bone”
“Anointed by the blood, I take the reins”
Now, this song has some pretty trickery fingering, but, whatever you do, don’t tell them that. Never mention fingering in front of teens. You’ll just never live it down. “Anointment” and “blood” is pretty much all you’re going to get out of this one, so just take it and move on.
“Somebody Told Me”
“’Cause heaven ain’t close in a place like this”
Okay, this is where you really get those godless teens: use the same language they do, and they’ll automatically think of you as cool! “Ain’t” is the gateway to swearing language, but sometimes you have to walk the razor’s edge if you and your Yamaha knockoff want to save some souls.
“Read My Mind”
“Slipping in my faith until I fall/ He never returned that call (he always)”
If that doesn’t work, there’s a different foolproof Killers-related method. Just pretend you’re losing your faith by using these tricky lyrics from a semi-hit from ‘Sam’s Town.’ They’ll totally begin to think you’re “hip” and “with it” and “full of an emptiness that you can barely hide from Pastor Colin that threatens to consume you every day.” Remember to add the “he always” part so they know you’re kidding. Just kidding. It’s so much fun to kid.
“Where The White Boys Dance”
“Hold on a minute/ You’re talking crazy, don’t be that jealous girl”
This one’s tricky, but with white nationalism taking over every major domination of American Christianity, you’re going to need to appeal to the white males and let them know you’re not a target with some classic misogyny. Fortunately, The Killers are here for you.
“Bones”
“An angel whispers my name/ But the message relayed is the same/ Wait till tomorrow, you’ll be fine”
A lot of The Killers songs are about how everything will eventually be fine, which contradicts the truth given to us by Jesus Christ, that only his followers will be fine and everyone else will burn in Hell. Still, these youths are pretty dumb, and you just need them to tolerate you for the afternoon, so go for it.
“Leave The Bourbon On The Shelf”
“Leave the bourbon on the shelf”
One way to make those kids respect your coolness, as they say, is to let them know right up front that alcohol, the devil’s lemonade, will never pass your lips. Just make sure you don’t sing the line that follows this one. After all, there is nothing cooler than being the guy who refuses to buy teens beer and calls the cops on them!
“Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll”
“She plays the drums, I’m on tambourine”
Have those kids ever heard of someone who came and brought new life, joy, and wisdom to the world while being tempted by a raven-haired demon from Hell? Her name was Meg White and she told the Devil Jack where to shove it when she decided she could no longer play indie rock drums and bodily ascended to Heaven or possibly Detroit.
“Neon Tiger”
“I don’t want to be kept, I don’t want to be caged/ I don’t want to be damned, oh hell”
Look, at this point, these kids should not want to be damned. Pastor Colin is very clear on that. They should also avoid neon, which promotes sin, and tigers, which are made from sin. Sometimes, the message has to be blunt.
“A Dustland Fairytale”
“I saw the devil wrapping up his hands/ he’s getting ready for the showdown”
There’s nothing cooler than getting into a boxing match with Lucifer himself! That is, as long as you both wear regulation gloves, headgear, and mouthguards, have a licensed referee to make sure everyone fights fair, and remember that you’re both there to have a good time.
“The Way It Was”
“Daddy, daddy, daddy, all my life/ I’ve been trying to find my place in the world”
God, the emptiness. Why did you leave, Daddy? Was it because I was not a good enough at Sunday school? I am now, Daddy! I AM NOW!
“Wonderful Wonderful”
“Motherless child, follow my voice/ and I shall give thee great cause to rejoice”
Brandon, do you just straight-up rip-off lines from the actual Bible and hope that your great hair will get out of things? Because it seems to have worked. Anyway, kids love it when you see “thee.” They just do.
“All These Things That I’ve Done”
“I’ve got soul, but I’m not a soldier”
“All These Things That I’ve Done” is the only actual cool Killers song, and it still has nonsensical bullshit in it like this. It might just be time to give up on teaching the youths through the power of highly-produced indie-lite rock and maybe just Christianity in general.