There’s a new frontier in the throes of marital and postmarital powerplay and it lies in the deeply personal and earnest letter written by a parent to a child on their birthday each year and posted for all the world to witness the boundless, unfaltering, selfless love reserved for mothers. And also… they fucking hate their ex.
Heather Howell, mother of three, has a colorful Instagram feed full of beautiful children doing cartwheels through sprinklers, eating popsicles on the Cape, back-to-school outfits and so much more suburban bliss. But what has really captivated audiences is her captions fraught with layered wordplay and double meanings. When looking with a critical eye, we can examine: What is she saying? What is she not saying? And what is the story of the space in between?
In a birthday post for her youngest child — an old skin-to-skin photo post-birth in which she looks at the camera, seemingly held by her husband, exhausted, proud, with a modicum of irritation, “put that camera way” — accompanied by a caption:
“Ginsburg, I can’t believe you’re 9! Time is so twisty and bendy. It moves both fast and slow. Where have the years gone? I realize what I’ve been missing and what I deserve. Love. Keep teaching me how to love myself. The past year has been hard on you and on me, but never stop making me laugh, even when it’s through the tears. #time #fast #slow #twist #bend #tears”
On its surface, a tribute to a growing girl and the unpredictable shape of motherhood. But a palpable disillusionment bubbles beneath. She keeps us guessing in one for her eldest:
“Happy birthday, my sweet Maddox. We’re both learning to set boundaries and say no this year. Bullies take many forms regardless of our age. We must forgive ourselves and others. I’ll always be there for you, you’ll always have me.”
The interpretive process would suggest she is as fond of her husband as Orwell was with the Bolsheviks. The wordsmith then dazzled us with her most recent biting post:
“Dear Luca, you’re 11 years old today. I never would have known I had the strength to be a single parent, the way a cactus stands alone in the dry unforgiving desert wind, without you showing me I could. When I feel like I can’t do it, I’m going to remind myself of today at Legoland (your birthday gift from me and only me) when I saw a sign that read, ‘Build happiness, one Lego at a time.’ …One lego at a time, Luca. Show me how…”
Some speculate that Heather has her sights set on publishing her work, a Pulitzer dangling in the distance. But children are useful literary tools in conveying a deeper message about marriage as the ultimate performance, making this her perfect platform. In pressing Heather for comment, she simply smiled, “I don’t know what you mean…? I just love celebrating their birthdays.” …She’s good.
LITTLETON, N.H. — A recent release of a limited edition “GG Allin Chia Pet” elicited a mixed reaction due to the rather unconventional set of growing instructions, horrified sources report.
“Originally we started with a Hulk Hogan model, but there were a lot of complaints about the reduction of surface area that was being used. We then pivoted to a fine art theme, but test audiences found the Van Gogh model to be ‘haunting’ due to the realistic gaping ear wound on the one side,” said Bryce Liggins, designer at Chia. “But then bam, it hit me–what if we could create a model where the gardener could literally put themselves into the design. Naturally, we went with GG Allin, and the rest is history. You can’t make a fecal pitch without GG Allin.”
While users seem to adore the product, the people they share their homes with skew more negative.
“Shit. There was human shit in our kitchen. I couldn’t figure out the smell so I took the trash out, cleaned out the drain and checked all the mouse traps,” Christian Bach, a roommate of one of the first users lamented. “Then I noticed a scarred up chia pet sitting next to my spider plant, smeared with shit and seeds. Who would do that? How do you get it out of the toilet, and what do you use to apply it? The company that came up with a cute hedgehog and Bob Ross chia pets has now switched to GG fucking Allin! The target market for this can’t possibly be big enough to justify its existence.”
Jerry Cavill, an interior decorator who specializes in punk and gore, was ecstatic with the home décor addition.
“GG Allin is a huge influence on my work. I tell customers to ‘mutilate’ their banisters and trim with a razor blade for a fun distressed look,” said Cavill gleefully. “When someone’s kitchen is feeling a little too blah, I always tell them that blood is the perfect pop of color for cabinetry accents and pulls. Your house was already built with bones, give it a little bit of bodily fluids of any kind, and now your house is a home, a living home!”
As of press time, rumors speculate that the designer wasn’t an actual employee but a crust punk who wandered in after dumpster diving behind the Chia offices.
RCA Records has achieved a new form of notoriety this year with the recent salacious biographical crime drama/softcore porn flick “Monsters: The Lyle and Erik Menendez Story” showcasing that Lyle and Erik’s abusive father Jose was an executive for the label. This sour stain does not completely take away from the legacy of RCA Records, which has been around longer than most labels, and is even older than your poor aunt Ida. For this piece, we attempt to list the top ten most underrated RCA Records albums, and no RCA subsidiaries like Jimmy Eat World’s Exotic Location Records are here even though one can argue that “Integrity Blues” LP deserves a slot, but that’s kind of cheating, fam. Also, Anti-Flag is out of the picture for obvious reasons. Enjoy!
Bullets and Octane “In the Mouth of the Young” (2006)
Originally from St. Louis, Missouri, and relocating to Los Angeles, California, Bullets and Octane violently signed to RCA Records and released their sophomore full-length studio album/only record for the label there, “In the Mouth of the Young.” From the start, the LP had cred in that Page Hamilton from Helmet produced it, which is fitting because Helmet is also incredibly underrated. The album cover alone deserves a look, but maybe not at work. Fun fact: “Save Me Sorrow” was a theme for Wrestlemania 22, which was also special in that the beloved Rey Mysterio won his first world title that night.
Cave In “Antenna” (2003)
Possibly our favorite album here, which says a lot, as these are literally the ten most underrated albums from this label, at least according to us, and definitely one of the more slept on major label efforts this century, Boston, Massachusetts’ Cave In’s third full-length studio album and lone major label effort “Antenna” should’ve taken the aughts rock world by storm… but it didn’t and we blame you! Maybe the record was too straight ahead for their core space indie demographic or maybe people are just offended by televisions. We’ll never know! Bassist Caleb Scofield absolutely destroyed it in the best way on this effort and all prior and subsequent, but sadly he was killed in a tragic car accident in 2018. Caleb’s contributions to the scene at large were as huge as his musical prowess, and he will be missed forever.
Circus of Power “Self-Titled” (1988)
The oldest entry here and the only one listed from last century, Circus of Power’s self-titled studio album came out the year that George Bush without the W. beat Michael Dukakis FOR the W. New York City’s Circus of Power is also unique in that they came out during a time where there was actually a subgenre of hard rock and metal called “sleaze rock” with other monster peers like Guns N’ Roses and Faster Pussycat holding the fort up and underrated rockers like Sweet F.A., H.E.A.T., yes, H.E.A.T., and other rockin’ acts with periods in their band name. The band went on to release one more record with RCA and then actually signed to another major, Columbia Records, before splitting up two years later. Happily, the act came back in 2014 and sporadically performs to this day.
Eve 6 “It’s All In Your Head” (2003)
You may not agree, but you’re wrong if you think that any album in Eve 6’s career is better than their last of three for RCA Records, “It’s All in Your Head”… Think twice and move forward! It’s hard to top things when your first album goes platinum and your sophomore record goes gold, but the band definitely did, at least from a songwriting and sonic standpoint. Sadly the band got dropped and split up one year after this record was released… but, but, but the band reformed a few years later and singer/bassist Max Collins literally got a second life in terms of being a Twitter/X mastermind. Elon Musk may or may not have added him into your twitter-sphere, or shadowbanned him. Whatever the case, look into his tweets whilst you listen to all forty-four minutes and thirty-six seconds of “It’s All In Your Head.
”
Funeral Party “The Golden Age of Knowhere” (2011)
Fans of Blood Brothers, Bloc Party, The Kinison, At the Drive-In/The Mars Volta, and chaotic dancy music will love this one: Funeral Party’s only full-length studio LP, “The Golden Age of Knowhere.” The ATDI/TMV influence on this album is showcased with these two facts: 1. With the exception of the opening track to “The Golden Age of Knowhere,” “New York City Moves to the Sound of L.A.,” the entire record was produced by longtime The Mars Volta engineer/mixer/musical collaborator Lars Stalfors. 2. Both Rodriguez-Lopez brothers, Omar and Marcel of The Mars Volta perform their respective instruments on this album, Omar’s being guitar and Marcel’s keyboards. So, not everyone can name their band after a song by The Cure and get away with it, but not everyone is Funeral Party. However, an act called The Funeral Portrait also rocks funeral homes in a different theatrical manner.
Hotwire “The Routine” (2003)
Fun fact: Newbury Park, California’s Hotwire’s lead singer Rus Martin used to front a really awesome heavy band called Fake Figures with guitarist Travis Miguel of Atreyu and Bob Bradley of Scars of Tomorrow, but this piece is not about FF, even though we wouldn’t be sad if RCA Records picked ‘em up! Easily the heaviest band listed here, their lone full-length studio album “The Routine” was far from such, and if you want our dad jokes to stop, they certainly will not stop today. We bet that you jokers completely missed the boat on Hotwire, and thus, you and only you are to blame for them splitting up after such a short career. Speaking of short, if your attention span is such, then just listen to all four tracks of its predecessor self-titled EP, of which three appear again on “The Routine.”
Hunter Hunted “Ready for You” (2015)
If you like your “ster” with a bit of “hip,” then the creatively named Hunter Hunted is right up your alley. From the ashes of another underrated and defunct act called Lady Danville, Hunter Hunted got off to a running start from their inception via a combination of radio tastemakers, popular blogs, and key live performances in the early 2010s at revered venues where the audience typically just stares at their phones and/or has parents that own Dreamworks; if that isn’t LA, then we don’t know what is. Anyway, as far as we know, however, “Ready for You” is the band’s only full-length studio album, which means that their debut is literally what it is called right now whether you’ve heard it or haven’t… yet. How Hunter Hunted didn’t didn’t rise to the stature of sonically likeminded tourmates Fun., Fitz and the Tantrums, and The Mowgli’s is beyond us!
New Politics “Self-Titled” (2010)
Denmark’s New Politics have five full-length studio albums, which is an admirable feat for any band except yours, but somehow their self-titled debut is an interesting combination of being quite underappreciated, whilst having several successful song placements. We guess that a lot of people didn’t Shazam these features, but we are still mad at them. This LP is their first of two for RCA Records, but it wins the underrated award here as their follow-up “A Bad Girl in Harlem” had a minor hit in the infectious by definition mega-song “Harlem.” The band’s relationship with RCA Records ended after the Columbia University adjacent community anthem came out, and released their next two LPs via Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy’s DCD2 Records/Warner Bros. Records., and their latest as of now through John Feldmann of Goldfinger’s Big Noise Music Group. Famous people love NP.
Say Anything “Self-Titled” (2009)
For some reason, this, Say Anything’s fourth full-length studio album and first of one for RCA Records even fell under the radar for hardcore Say Anything fans. Why is that? People blame single #1, “Hate Everyone,” but we hate them, and love The Clash. We’ll die on this hill: Next to “…Is a Real Boy,” this self-titled effort is the band’s best record front to back, and we know we’re right here despite being old, smart, and alleviated. While the record had a strong start at number twenty-five on the Billboard 200, it kind of faded away shortly after and without good reason. Still, we don’t know if the band got subsequently dropped, but we do know that their next one, “Anarchy, My Dear” came out on Equal Vision Records, which was then home to We Came As Romans and Set It Off. Whatever bro, she won’t follow you.
SR-71 “Tomorrow” (2002)
To close this out, there was a time when every band legally had to have a number after it, but SR-71 just never rose to the heights of the blink band, the sums, the nails that avoided the metric system, or the best band of all time, 311. You may know their single “Right Now” with the octave chord melody from SR-71’s debut full-length studio album “Now You See Inside,” which literally went gold, but their heavier and musically superior sequel “Tomorrow” not only didn’t promise the band another day, but it was their last for RCA. The band’s single “Goodbye” is certainly one to remember, and it unintentionally worked as a statement of sorts before they wrote the original version of Bowling For Soup’s “1985” just one album later. To end on a bummer: Goodbye, so long, nice try, THEY’re gone.
Look, I’ll say it plain and simple: it doesn’t matter why I already went through your supposed “lifetime supply” of Hormel Chili that I won, and I’m not legally required to tell you. All I want is what I am legally entitled to so long as my heart is beating: More of America’s best-selling chili and no goddamn questions.
I’m old enough to remember a time before the powers-that-be started putting definitions on what a “lifetime supply” meant or trying to twist the fine print on call-in phone contests on 95.3 KCHL, the Heat That Can’t Be Beat. I remember when, if you had won a supposedly unlimited supply of Hormel Chili, you didn’t get the third degree about how you went through 49 gallons in five days.
Back in the day, you just got more chili.
Trust me, no one wants to get lawyers involved here and tarnish the good name of 95.3 KCHL, the Heat That Can’t Be Beat. I’ve been a loyal listener to DJ Derek and the Municipal Madman for years, and it would break my heart to get attorneys involved in what should be a relatively simple matter of filling up the 55-gallon plastic barrel I brought to this station at my own expense and letting me be on my way.
DJ Derek has already had enough trouble with the law without getting involved in chili-related phone-in contest fraud, wouldn’t you say?
I would also like to reiterate that I read the rules of this contest extremely closely. As long as I was the first person to call in and recite all of the ingredients to Hormel chili in alphabetical order without taking a breath, I’d get a lifetime supply of any flavor of my choice. Is that not the case? Is it not?
You probably thought no one would remember “textured soy flour.” You were wrong.
Nowhere in the rules does it say that I have to eat the chili or produce evidence that I have eaten it. It also does not say that I cannot use it to fill potholes, regrout my neighbor’s bathtub as a courtesy, or use the famously sensuous smell of Coney Island Inspired Hormel Chili No Bean with Mustard and Onions as part of an ongoing campaign of seduction of said neighbor.
I’m not admitting to anything, by the way. And I certainly have no obligation to.
A deal is a deal, and as long as I draw breath, I will be returning to 95.3 KCHL, the Heat That Can’t Be Beat, for Hormel chili whenever I want and how often I like. Even in a benighted and fallen society like ours, we must respect a man’s need to shoot a high-powered jet of Hormel chili into the air every morning to greet the dawn using a jury-rigged firehose.
That’s what this is about. Respect.
Now fill up the barrel. I’ll be back for more Hormel tomorrow and I expect the Municipal Man to have it ready next time.
PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former President Trump drew the ire of the worldwide population after posting “I HATE MOO DENG” on Truth Social at 2:37 a.m. this morning, multiple incredulous sources confirmed.
“Look, it’s just a fat little hippo. I prefer American hippos, full-sized, huge hippos that could eat three watermelons at once. The Democrats want all hippos to be tiny, and they want horses to be tiny too. I want to make animals big again,” said Trump. “People think Moo Deng is cute because she bites zoo keepers. Newsflash, that’s not cute. I bit at least four zookeepers last week and they didn’t find it cute, but they were honored. One of them, a former Marine, said to me, ‘Thank you Mr. Trump. Thank you for biting me, it was so much better than if a hippo bit me.’ This is true. Then he asked me to bite him again, but I wouldn’t do it. No more biting until I’m back in the White House.”
Some online fans of Moo Deng are saying this might be what sways them from voting for Trump.
“I don’t pay much attention to politics to be honest. I’ve had a bad string of luck lately, I lost my job working for the Parks Department, then I broke my ankle, which ended up getting infected, so I’ve been dealing with insurance for months. The only sliver of joy I have in my life is watching videos of Moo Deng be an absolute terror,” said undecided voter Emily Petty. “If anything happens to Moo Deng I might just fucking kill myself. So the fact Trump seems to hate her might be a deal breaker. I want a President who loves Moo Deng as much as I do. Honestly, it’s the only issue I care about, and I know I’m not alone.”
Political analyst Gretta Lipton believes Moo Deng’s astronomic rise in popularity could sway the election.
“Both candidates are in a dead heat right now. There is no way of knowing who is going to come out on top in November. If Moo Deng leveraged her celebrity status to endorse a candidate it could change everything. But she seems to be more interested in splashing around a small tub of water and refuses to pick a side,” said Lipton. “It’s irresponsible of Moo Deng, but that’s what we love about her to begin with. You cannot control Moo Deng, she plays by her own rules.”
At press time, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. offered up a story about a time he fed four live monkeys to a captive hippo for some reason.
I’ve traversed the astral plane to call out The Hard Times. I couldn’t help but notice they really like to talk a lot of shit about bassists. Well if bass is so unimportant, why did the rest of Metallica fly across the country from Los Angeles to San Francisco so I could join their band? Huh? That’s what I thought.
I didn’t spend weeks learning the bass guitar for some jokes website to discredit my work 40 years after I died. Some of those bass tracks I even practiced and everything.
By the way, my death was way more metal than how the rest of Metallica’s are going to be. They’re gonna pass in cozy Malibu mansions and first-rate hospice care centers, surrounded by friends and family in their final hours.
I died at night in the icy north of Scandinavia, and under a tour bus no less. It don’t get more metal than that. Except for maybe that guy from Slayer that died by spider bite. Holy shit. I should hang with him sometime.
Can you play “(Anesthesia) – Pulling Teeth,” Hard Times? Didn’t think so. Do any of you even play in a world-renowned band? Besides, if playing bass is so easy, why was Dee Dee Ramone able to do it so well? Yet, all everyone wants to talk about is how good James is at rhythm guitar.
Playing six strings instead of four doesn’t prove anything, everybody knows it. Metallica’s bass player was the most badass member at any given time too. First there was me, who introduced the Misfits to the rest of the band. Then there’s my replacement: Jason Newsted. Hell, an entire generation of metalheads ripped off Jason’s undercut hairdo, while Lars, James, and Kirk still looked like they were on the way to a Poison concert.
So what if “…And Justice For All” didn’t have any bass? That album is still harder than anything I did with the band. Wait, forget I said that.
And then there’s Robert Trujillo, who was in the Pepsi song band. Honestly, I don’t know much about them, other than the fact that I could never beat their song in Guitar Hero. Yeah, we have Guitar Hero here, Bass Hero too, but Peter Steele is always hogging it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go finish a word search puzzle I’ve been working on for a few days.
LOS ANGELES — Pop megastar Chappell Roan is facing backlash across the internet for her perceived unwillingness to use her celebrity status to single-handedly broker a peace deal in the Middle East, multiple TikTok users confirmed.
“This is just not it. Chappell better be using all this free time she has after canceling her festival appearances to charter an eco-friendly jet with no carbon emissions to fly to Lebanon and broker a ceasefire deal before Iran decides to escalate this conflict even more,” said former self-proclaimed Roan superfan Leanne Winston. “And while she is in Beirut she better start building some new homes for victims of the air raids. I’ve been a fan of Chappell for nearly four months now, and the fact she isn’t on the ground in a war zone preparing meals for refugees just shows how out of touch she is.”
Beirut resident Abdel Saad is one of the many people who were displaced by Israeli bombing over the course of the past few weeks.
“When my home was destroyed I prayed to get clarity on why this is happening to me and my family. I had originally assumed this was due to Israel’s need for power and the United States’ complicity, but then I saw a short video about how Chappell Roan is MAGA coded and how she’s been the problem all along,” said Saad. “It’s not a coincidence that she released ‘The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess’ in September 2023 and Hamas attacked Israel just two weeks later and set all of this mess in motion. She started this all, and she has the ability to end it.”
United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres hopes to meet with Roan within the next few days to help the worsening conflict get resolved.
“At first I really wanted to set up a meeting with Chappell so my granddaughters could get a photo with her, but now I realize Chappell is the only person on the planet that can keep humanity from being launched into total nuclear war. But she has to act now, she has to stop making TikTok videos talking about her mental health and start helping with international diplomacy,” said Guterres. “We are dealing with true existential threats here and I’m glad to see there are so many heroes online calling Chappell to action, I just hope she will listen.”
At press time, Jason Aldean was being praised by right wing media outlets for saying all of America’s enemies in the Middle East should be “wiped off the map.”
NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Local man Brian Langley, who often proclaims he “likes all music except country and rap,” is reportedly feeling vindicated after assault allegations surfaced against music legends Garth Brooks and Sean “Diddy” Combs in recent days, annoyed friends report.
“I’ve been saying for years that country and rap just aren’t my thing. People thought I was crazy for taking such a divisive stand, but with all this news about Garth Brooks and Diddy coming to light my Spotify Wrapped is going to be looking pretty clean,” Langley said after proudly sharing the breaking news about Garth Brooks on social media. “I’ve texted everyone in my contacts list to remind them how much I dislike rap and country. This includes old coworkers, ex-girlfriends, and landlords all because I wanted to rub this in their dumb faces. Most people didn’t seem to care, but that’s probably just because they are so embarrassed right now.”
Friends of Langley say they have been dealing with his selective music snobbery for years.
“Brian’s always been the ‘I listen to real music’ guy,” said Julio River, who has known Langely since college. “But now, he’s acting like a prophet or something. Like he knew all along that country and rap weren’t just bad genres, but morally compromised. It’s exhausting. I mean, yesterday, he basically gave a TED Talk at lunch about how Queens of the Stone Age would never do something like this.”
Dr. Emily Crandall, a music theory expert at the College of DuPage, states this behavior is becoming more common as accusations against high-profile musicians come to light.
“We are seeing a big surge in people using confirmation bias to reinforce the belief that they have the best taste in music. There’s been a notable shift in how fans engage with music in light of these revelations,” Crandall explained. “For people like Brian, who already had a narrow view of what constitutes ‘good music,’ these allegations serve as convenient validation. It’s a way to mask personal taste as some kind of moral high ground. Yet they somehow, conveniently, have a blind spot for bands they will give a pass to artists like Led Zeppelin, Guns ‘N’ Roses, and Jane’s Addiction.”
As of press time, Langley expressed that his convictions have only been confirmed and that he will continue to listen to honorable bands like Foo Fighters.
They say when you come for the king you better not miss. Fortunately for Donald Trump so far all of the former supporters who have taken a shot at him seemingly never got the memo. Unfortunately for Trump, the election is immediately preceded by October, the spooky season, when film franchise monsters roam the earth. You don’t get eight sequels by missing a bunch.
Trump’s only hope is The Secret Service, and they’ve been on high alert ever since the whole “caught red-handed not doing their job” thing. But will the Secret Service be enough to stop dissatisfied horror-icon voters from making the former president their latest victim? We’ve compiled a list of horror’s most accomplished killers and ranked them by their chances of getting past Trump’s security detail and taking him out.
Oh, and for any of you satanic conspiracy people out there who will take this thing seriously, we did 66 of these, so, there’s a freebie to get you started.
66. Pinhead
You seriously think Trump is smart enough to open that damned box?
65. Chef Julian Slowik
We all know Trump eats exclusively at McDonald’s to avoid servers spitting in his food or murdering him as part of a high-concept revenge art piece.
64. Billy Lenz from “Black Christmas”
He’s already IN THE HOUSE! Unfortunately for Billy, the house in question here is The White House which Trump is unlikely to ever see again.
63. The “It Follows” Ghost
We’re pretty sure the ghost isn’t spread by pissing on people, which is the closest thing to sex Trump does anymore.
62. Henry
Not exactly a finesse guy. Henry raises way too many red flags on sight to get anywhere near Trump.
61. The Wolfman
It would be quite the twist of fate for Trump to be eaten by a half-dog right now, but even he isn’t dumb enough to go golfing at Mar-a-Lago on the night of a full moon. He’s heard the legends.
60. Jack Torrence
He wouldn’t make it within a thousand yards, It’s a miracle he even came so close to murdering his family. He’s clearly insane and murderous in the first 5 minutes of that movie, why the hell would anyone lock themselves in a mountain hotel with that guy? It’s the ’80s lady, get divorced!
59. The Phantom of the Opera
Trump isn’t big on the arts. You sure you don’t want to be “The Phantom of the Mar-a-Lago Bronzer/Steam Room/Tug-off Parlor?”
58. Annabelle
The only toy Trump would ever allow anywhere near his presence is Kamabla, the sled that brought him joy as a child.
57. The Tall Man
Nope. Too tall.
56. The Firefly Family
Impossible, they’re all still in prison for storming the capitol on January 6th.
55. Daddy from “The People Under The Stairs”
As a fellow slum lord and gun advocate Daddy and Trump would get on like gangbusters. He could get close to the former president but would probably like him too much to kill him and would probably end up donating to his campaign.
54. Sam from “Trick ‘R Treat”
He’s got the same chances of getting close to the former president as any other tricker-treater—absolutely zero. “No handouts!”
53. The Mummy
Trump wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere near The Mummy’s tomb without his two top associates, the late great Abbot and Costello.
52. Leatherface
He’s not exactly hard to spot. Even if the Secret Service wanted to botch the job, there’s no way they could plausibly make the case that they simply didn’t see a giant man in a human skin mask barreling toward the former president with a chainsaw.
51. The Driller Killer from “The Slumber Party Massacre”
The drill is clearly a metaphor for his penis, and we don’t care what your sexual orientation is, no penis has ever been hard for Donald Trump except his own.
50. C.H.U.Ds
Trump is the guy who evicted them down to the New York sewer system in the first place, so we have motive. Unfortunately for them, the Secret Service routinely inspects the sewer system on Trump’s orders. He wants to make a “big deal” with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
49. Freddy Krueger
You might think the bastard son of 100 maniacs has the best shot at getting past the Secret Service as he would be striking Trump where they cannot protect him—in his dreams. Unfortunately for Freddy, Trump’s sleep apnea and steady diet of Adderall prevent him from ever hitting REM sleep, all at the low cost of his own sanity and reason. Guess you’ll have to settle for Vance, bitch!
48. Norman Bates
Trump has a word for guys who spend as much time with their mothers as Norman Bates, and though he’s just smart enough not to say it into a hot microphone. He does typically keep his distance from “confirmed bachelors.”
47. Irving Wallace from “Stage Fright”
Trump isn’t really a theater guy.
46. Bill from “Intruder”
As a murderous small business owner, Bill is no stranger to Trump rallies, which is why his chances are low. The Secret Service has learned that it’s Trump’s key demographic they need to watch out for the most.
45. Jigsaw
The “Saw” franchise killer would shoot himself out of frustration after a few hours of trying to explain the rules of his DIY murder-escape room to Trump.
44. Pennywise
Like RFK, Pennywise once had Trump in his crosshairs, but he dropped out of the attempted assassination and endorsed him in exchange for a cabinet position. Honestly, he’ll be a better secretary of education than whoever Trump had picked out before.
43. Ghostface
It’s unlikely, but technically Ghostface could be anybody, so there’s always the off-chance that Trump has a secret long-lost brother or jilted lover or something or other that joined the Secret Service just for the opportunity to “play a game” with the former commander in chief. Everyone is a suspect, but Trump should be on the lookout for his most attractive and unassuming security guard.
42. The Butcher from “Freaky”
If he’s in his original body his chances of getting to Trump are slim, but if we’re talking post-swap, well, never underestimate an attractive blonde teenager’s ability to make “friends” with Republican leaders.
41. Cropsy
He could get close posed as a landscaper, but at this point, the Secret Service can spot a Trump employee with garden shears who’s simply had enough from a mile away—they neutralize half a dozen a week.
40. Mr. Ulman from “House of the Devil”
Trump is unlikely to respond to an ad seeking an overnight babysitter, but the job he’s currently seeking is unlikely to work out, so maybe?
39. The Killbots from “Chopping Mall”
Eh, he might mistake them for golf carts.
38. The Predator
Considering the Predator took out Dutch’s entire team, the Secret Service would offer him little resistance, but Trump himself may prove to be more of a challenge. Between his layers of bronzer, advanced age, and slow-beating McDonald’s-addled heart, Trump doesn’t give off enough body heat for the Predator to actually see him. He might as well be caked in mud 24/7.
37. Dr. Phibes
He could pull it off, but he’s unlikely to. The good/abominable doctor prefers victims with the mental capacity to appreciate his pageantry before their demise. Sometimes someone is so dumb and annoying you can’t even murder them.
36. Vincent Smith from “Motel Hell”
On the surface farmer Vincent is the exact sort of man Trump wants to be seen with—a salt-of-the-earth midwestern successful small business owner—so security won’t be an issue. And, while Vincent agrees with Trump on the issues, once he gets a gander at the former president up-close and realizes how marbelized his meat must be, he won’t be able to help himself. He’ll knock him out, cut out his vocal cords, and plant him with his “special” crops.
35. Damien
He actually sees Trump all the time, but Trump calls the kid “Baron” and he won’t kill Trump so long as Trump is useful.
34. Pearl
In her prime, she might have had a shot, but the first thing the Secret Service does when securing a premises for Trump’s arrival is round up every woman over 40 and bring them somewhere he can’t see them. Maxine on the other hand, well, we like her chances a lot.
33. Leslie Vernon
We’ve seen how hard the man trains, and there’s no doubt he’s got the skills, but the motivation? Not so much. Leslie chooses to embody pure evil so that the ultimate good will rise to stop him. At most, he probably views Trump as a competitor.
32. The Creature From the Black Lagoon
He’s in the middle of the list because anyone who spends as much time in Florida as Donald Trump has a 50% chance of being murdered by a creature of the Black Lagoon.
31. Xenomorph
It’s time we as a nation set aside our differences and acknowledge that watching a baby Xenomorph bursting out of Trump’s chest on live television would look sick as hell.
LOS ANGELES – Casual Tool fan Chris Miller is perplexing scientists around the world with his ability to listen to the progressive rock band without celebrating their entire catalog to the point of being an insufferable douche, and has been captured for further research by the medical community.
“Their early stuff is alright, but I don’t think they really came into their own until ‘Ænima,’” suggested Miller as a multitude of electrodes were affixed to various pressure points on his body. “‘Lateralus’ is pretty dope too. I’ll listen to those two albums back to back on my annual cross-country road trip back home for the holidays. I love it when the songs get really soft and contemplative, only for the drums to build up and go POW! Then the fat riff comes in, and it’s freakin’ epic. I don’t really know much about that Fibonacci stuff, but I appreciate the attention to detail that goes into their songs, even if it’s way over my head sometimes.”
Dimitrius Van Leamer, head researcher at the Undertow Academy on 46 and 2nd Street believes he’s captured a unicorn that could jeopardize the integrity of Tool’s die-hard fanbase.
“I just don’t get it,” said Van Leamer as he polished the calipers on his state-of-the-art polyrhythmic libido detector. “See that petri dish over there? That’s full of Chris’ semen specimen. Normally, the intro to ‘Ticks & Leeches’ would make that sucker blow out like a carelessly stored bottle of 2019 Caduceus Nagual de la Naga, but I’m barely seeing any movement at all. I fear that if we can’t figure out why he thinks ‘Fear Inoculum’ is ‘kind of mid,’ then we’ll all be swimming in the Arizona Bay as we welcome the end times before we know it.”
Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan weighed in on the research, but doesn’t have much to say.
“I literally don’t give a fuck,” asserted Keenan without breaking his concentration from his game of Giant Jenga as the rest of the band agonized over what one chord they wanted to vamp on for 128 measures. “He already bought the albums, and only regularly listens to a couple of them? No skin off my dick. He can use them as fucking drink coasters for all I care.”
At press time, Miller was found soaked in sweat and passed out in the “10,000 days” edging chamber.
