Former Band Members Have to Pretend They Don’t Know Each Other At AA Meeting

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

NEW ORLEANS — A weekly Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting was recently attended by all three former members of the band Cyanide Churro, who individually arrived hoping to address their drinking problems brought on by working with the other two.

“This is supposed to be anonymous,” said vocalist and bassist Kate Bernard. “So I guess I need to pretend I haven’t passed out naked with two other people here. I know that John has a kidney-shaped birthmark on his left buttcheek, for God’s sake. At one point, I stood up and threatened to bitch-slap Dave over an incident we had at this bar called Genteman Rodney’s. And then I had to immediately sit back down and say: ‘No. I do not know this person. We have never met.’ But I have met Dave I see him three times a week at least. And he knows what he did.”

The band, whose sound was described as “lo-fi-dixieland-space-swamp-cow-punk,” sent shockwaves of moderate disappointment through the hearts of a few online fans when it dissolved earlier this year.

“If you’d been there, you’d be a drunk too,” said lead guitarist John Corbeau. “It was all this constant bickering of ‘whose apartment do we rehearse in today?’ And ‘whose spouse is gonna man the merch table at the coffee shop tonight?’ Or ‘who begs their parents to fund our music video?’ It was exhausting. And when we weren’t fighting or working our day jobs, we were competing sexually. I don’t think any of us had a choice but to get shit-faced twenty-four-seven. Music’s hard. And frankly, not worth it.”

Though tensions were high between the Cyanide Churro members, perhaps no one suffered more than the regularly attending AA members who were just trying to get a hold on their sobriety.

“I’ve noticed that John, Dave and Kate bring a certain energy to the room when they attend meetings,” said group chair Matt Zubrowski. “A lot of cold glances and angry mutterings. A lot of snide laughter and throat clearings when one of them is sharing their stories. I know it’s redundant to say this here, but it’s a real buzz-kill. Some of us actually fell into alcoholism for reasons other than being trust fund kids in some sort of throuple.”

At press time, the former members of Cyanide Churro were avoiding eye contact as they walked to their cars, each blissfully unaware they will also run into each other at the same Sexaholics and Debtors Anonymous meetings later this week.

We’re Doomed: This Bank Heist Crew Said They’d Let All Hostages Go if You Can Name Every Member of Bowling for Soup and Specify if They’re Alive or Dead Without Googling

Posted on by Eric Farwell

Former cover band and current heist team, Joe G. Whiz and the Egg Heads, are saying they’ll release every hostage in this PNC Bank if they can name each founding member of pop-punk group Bowling For Soup, and correctly identify if they’re alive or dead without looking it up. I don’t know if we’re going to make it out of here alive.

Initially, everyone was worried about not even knowing what Bowling For Soup was, but Jon Wag, an aging millennial in a Reel Big Fish t-shirt, was able to help everyone remember the group was maybe a novelty act, or at least had songs featuring a nasal singer and inoffensive guitar riffs that could easily be confused with ten other bands releasing music at the time. Optimistic, the nine other people in the bank asked Wag if they were a fan and might know the requested information. However, the millennial shared “I was more of a Sugarcult fan.”

The group set about trying to jog their memories for any information that might help them leave the bank safely. Things stalled when Anne Pretz, a realtor, suggested the band was featured on the 2002 Spider-Man movie soundtrack, and Ken Tellorico, a drunk, rolled up the leg of his pants to show off his tattoo of the artists on that soundtrack and pointed to each one as he explained who they were and what their contribution was. After a lengthy diatribe on Saliva and Josey Scott, Karen and Dane Bergabogen, two parents in their 60s, recalled that the bassist was fat or used to be fat, or maybe had a big beard. Pretz suggested everyone try and guess what someone fitting that description might be named. Realizing the task was impossible, one person, Jerrod Tilins, a producer, mentioned he played bass, which prompted three others to mention that they play bass in some group. Hope rose that one of them played in Bowling for Soup, but the musicians were in local bands only.

Some ground was gained when Savvi Saturoaka, a barista, realized she remembered a cover song called “1985,” prompting everyone to remember and say, inexplicably, “something Madonna/ Way before Nirvana” in a half-singing, half-speaking voice. A singalong broke out, lifting spirits in the process. However, an issue arose when some people sang “Girl All the Bad Guys Want,” instead of “1985.” One lone voice, Kevin Marble, an architect, sang “Life After Lisa,” further confusing everyone as to who exactly Bowling for Soup were.

Apparently my fellow hostages have agreed their best course of action is to try and goad Joe G. Whiz or one of the Egg Heads to order a pizza, at which point they will shout their question in the hopes that the teen taking their order will have nothing but time to look up how alive a very early 00s pop band is.

When Mr. Whiz opened a window to do some lemon-flavored vaping, he was asked by a reporter about how one comes up with such a demand. “When you play the VFW, jam at weddings, or get the bar mitzvah hopping for over 20 years, you remember a lot of one-hit wonders. Bowling for Soup might be the onest of one-hit wonders.”

Rumor has it Mr. Whiz and company are rethinking their plan after being exhausted by how obvious everyone is being in their attempt to order a pizza and ask about the members of a US band that now plays mostly in the UK.

HR Rep Already Knows Who’s Going to Get Fired for Wearing Blackface for Halloween

Posted on by Ben Friedman

OMAHA, Neb. — HR generalist Annie Washington claims she already knows who within the company is going to be fired for donning blackface this Halloween season, nervous employees report.

“When you work in corporate HR for as long as I do, you develop a skill to suss out who in the office is going to throw common sense out the window and wear blackface for an ill-conceived topical Halloween costume. And since this has become an ongoing issue thanks to these idiots popping up on social media, I started the termination paperwork now so they’re gone before the public finds out these idiots worked here,” said Annie Washington. “I’ve developed my own algorithm to narrow them down. If they’re between the ages of 24 to 29, were active in Greek life at a Southern college, and pay for a blue checkmark on X, then there’s a 99% they’re dressing up as Mark Robinson, Simone Biles, or a ‘Haitian Pet Eater.’”

The mood in the office has become tense after employees discovered HR had their eyes on specific individuals.

“Well don’t look at me, I’d never do a thing like that, even though I don’t understand why anyone would be offended over a costume. Someone else, I mean! Anyway, last time I checked this was America and we have a little something called freedom of expression,” said Junior Sales Associate Mark Donahue. “Annie can’t prove anything just because she overheard me at lunch talking about where to find grease paint and ‘Blacks for Trump’ merch. It absolutely doesn’t prove I’m going to do something to get canceled at my cousin’s Halloween party. Allegedly!”

Job coaches and recruiters have changed their tactics due to inevitable yearly occurrences of blackface costumes.

“Racist costumes were bad enough before social media captured everything, but anyone who does it now is a walking PR nightmare waiting to happen. Before we send any of our candidates to a work site, they have to watch a four-hour video introducing the concept of negative consequences and how dressing up as racial caricatures is bad. It sounds like common sense, but some folks need it beaten into them,” said Jenny Lanning. “We’ve lost clients because of multiple temps not knowing dressing up as OJ Simpson and posting it on Instagram was a bad thing.”

After some consideration, Washington had the employees she’d suspected fired preemptively after confirming their group costume would be based on the film “Cool Runnings.”

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week Because We Didn’t See the Northern Lights, Again

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Do you guys also feel like there is just way too much music coming out nowadays? Lucky for you, we’re here to pick a handful of new releases every week and spoon-feed them to you in a handy-dandy playlist. Now you have no excuse for listening to the same dozen songs since 2004.

The Linda Lindas “No Obligation”

Sometimes some angry garage punk about being fucking pissed off at some idiot just really does the trick. The Linda Lindas are here to deliver that exact order with the title track from their second full length album “No Obligation.” Coming in at just two minutes long, this song is the perfect rager (with all-around impressive musical performances) to play while screaming into a pillow and burning a bunch of old photos because, as they so aptly note, who cares ‘bout their validation?

Chat Pile “Frownland”

Self-described “slacker Okies” Chat Pile is making some of the most exciting music in the underground scene right now, though it’s hard to call them “underground” still when their previous release got them on a Pitchfork best-of list. We’re here to put them on a much less reputable but also less annoying list of our own with their new LP “Cool World.” “Frownland” offers an oppressively heavy soundscape that never ventures into plodding or cliché and has us donning our official Hard Times stank faces.

Zeta “Privilege”

If you have not heard of Venezuelan post-rock outfit Zeta, this needs to be remedied immediately. Their most recent single “Privilege” is an intoxicating mix of atmospheric vocals and production, their signature polyrhythmic drums, and an undeniable angst that make it irresistible to any sad fucks out there who want to spice up their old playlist. Blast this one when you and your significant other are having an argument on the balcony during a lightning storm.

Thirdface “Midian”

One of our contributors described Nashville outfit Thirdface as the “most underrated group in hardcore” and after listening to “Midian,” we are inclined to agree. Do you like Botch but wish the vocals were somehow more insane? Are you going to the SPY/Full of Hell/Better Lovers tour? Then you need to be making yourself infinitely cooler and listening to Thirdface’s next album when it drops in November. That’s an order.

The Barbarians of California “Dopamine Prophecy”

A new heavy metal side project by AWOLNATION frontman Aaron Bruno, called The Barbarians of California, recently released their debut LP and holy cow, it’s really good. “Dopamine Prophecy” alternates between frantic, tortured, and wrathful vocals, with the backing instrumentation expertly oscillating tempos as well. This whole album has us very excited about what utterly panicked, brutal shit they will cook up next.

Gacharic Spin “SPEED GAME”

Japanese pop-rock group Gacharic Spin has been cranking out crazy jazzy fusion jams since the early Obama administration, and they show no signs of stopping with their newest album “Feast.” Think of “SPEED GAME” as a CASIOPEA track on salvia. When you eventually wind up in purgatory for writing Primus fanfiction, this is what the soundtrack to Mario Kart is gonna sound like down there. Sold yet?

If you liked these selections and want dozens more, check out the full playlist with more songs added every week:

Opinion: Show Me in the HOA Laws and Regulations Guide Where It Says I Can’t Hang “Audition” Themed Halloween Decorations Outside My House

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, when I decided to buy a home in this community, I thought I’d enjoy a little bit of freedom in how I express myself on my own goddamn property. However, this ever-present policing over the decisions I make has gotten a little ridiculous, and since you’re holding the HOA Laws and Regulations in your hands right now, why don’t you show me the rule that specifically prohibits me from hanging “Audition” themed Halloween decorations outside my house? I’ll wait.

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now why don’t you be a good little board member and kindly excuse yourself from my front yard?

What do you mean by “gratuitous and needlessly violent imagery” anyway? I’ve noticed you haven’t been pestering Bill Holdsworth over his headless horseman display, so why should you have a problem with my footless, near-naked man on all fours eagerly lapping up a bowl of fresh vomit? Talk about a double standard. And feel free to measure the height and width; I was pretty meticulous about staying within regulation there.

Oh, you’re not even going to bother? So you’re here to harass me about the rules you think I’ve violated and you’re not even willing to part with a single word of praise for the ones I’ve followed? You know what? I think you just have it out for me. Well, I’m not budging. Sue me.
Actually, please don’t sue me.

Don’t touch that Gigli saw! If you were on my lawn to admire and not admonish, I’d let you inspect more closely, but you’re clearly here in bad faith. And yes, it’s very sharp and hanging directly in the path of oncoming trick-or-treaters. Halloween is supposed to be scary. That’s the point! Haven’t you ever been to a haunted house?

OK, I’ll concede that the pre-recorded sounds of somebody groaning in impotent agony as needles are inserted under his eyes don’t need to stay on after 11PM. I’m big enough to admit that I didn’t think that one through, so we can find a compromise there. The bloody, detached foot stays, though. I don’t care how “shockingly vile and utterly lacking in taste” you think it is. That’s just your opinion, and it’s a poor one that’s been expressed rather rudely, at that.

And yes, not like it’s any of your business, but the dead dog is real. At least it’s taxidermied. I learned my lesson from last year’s “Gummo” display. Are we done here? You appear pretty determined to continue this absurd witch hunt, and I need to finish tweaking the flapping mechanism on this severed tongue. I guess we can continue this discussion at my disciplinary hearing. Same time and place as last year?

JNCO Warns US Strategic Denim Reserve Could Be Depleted If Nu Metal Revival Intensifies

Posted on by Tim Graham

LOS ANGELES — Garment company JNCO says renewed interest in their extra-wide legged jeans could result in a devastating shortage of denim, wallet-chain wearing sources confirm.

“We haven’t seen orders like this since the late ‘90s,” said JNCO VP of sales Richard Turnbull. “There was a time when it looked like we’d have to close our doors, but suddenly Gen Z discovered System of a Down and we’ve been going gangbusters ever since. Now we’re on the verge of running out of material as our signature pants require 20 times the amount of denim per unit as a regular pair of jeans. The federal government has complied with our request to tap into the Strategic Denim Reserve, which was established to mitigate such disruptions or shortages. It’s certainly helping, but will it be enough to satisfy demand?”

22-year old nu metal fan Alexis Domingo says she’ll be devastated if JNCOs become impossible to get.

“I’m not going to buy Temu knock-offs—I want the real thing,” said Domingo while binge-watching camcorder videos of ‘90s skaters in huge jeans. “I see some chumps buying Kevin Smith pants from big and tall stores and cinching their belts super tight, but it’s not the same. It looks like shit and comes off as desperate. I’m saving up to get my first JNCOs soon. But now I’m hearing rumors about shortages and denim rationing. I just can’t show up to a Korn show in skinny jeans.”

Department of Commerce Press Secretary Charlie Andrews stresses the importance of the US maintaining primacy in the global denim market.

“Since the invention of the humble blue jean, domestic denim manufacturing has been intrinsically linked to the United States’ identity as the vanguard of freedom itself,” said Andrews. “Jeans are an indelible symbol of America’s spirit of individualism and liberty. While the federal government does not condone the attitudes expressed in so-called ‘nu metal’ music, we cannot deny the genre’s uniquely American expression of fierce independence. Rest assured, we will be subsidizing increased denim production to ensure the reserve is not exhausted. God help us all if China steps in and gets a foothold in the giant jeans market. ”

At press time, Domingo had finally acquired a pair of JNCOs, but was reportedly ejected from a Limp Bizkit concert after using the pants to smuggle several cartoonishly-long hoagies and a three-foot bong into the venue.

9 Ways To Ask Your Super To Fill Your Holes That Don’t Sound Like What I Just Said

Posted on by Violet Meeker

So it finally happened, huh? There’s a hole in your apartment. Wall, sink, tub, floor, it could be any of these options – yet they all leave you with the same groveling request: Will you fill my hole? Simply mortifying. Similar to the previous predicament, you could have any sort of super since they all boil down to: A person you would never want to beg to fill your holes. It’s something us renters all have the potential to face, yet we simply haven’t put in the work to expand the lexicon for the sake of our collective embarrassment.

I’m here to forge a new path. Or suggest some options that might feel more appropriate to you next time you come face-to-face with a hole. Below are 10 ways to ask your super to fill your holes that don’t sound like what I just said.

SOS! The mouse doors are ajar.
This is great if you have a mouse running around the house. It’s urgent, clear, and somewhat mysterious…conjuring adorable images of a tiny crime scene, and more importantly nothing sexy.

Are you free to permeate the empty parts?
This is a display of edging. Riding the line between erotic and technical. If you do want to flirt with your super, but don’t want to be too crass, this might be a perfect pick for you.

I need help overflowing the shapes in my walls
The perfect option for our architects, engineers, and plumbers. Artistic yet practical.

I don’t think Courtney Love would condone this kind of Hole. You free to come up and jam?
This would be ideal if you had a very chill and punk super.

Can you patch up the abstract wall art my boyfriend made?
We’ve all been there ladies: Dated a guy who punched holes in drywall. Sick bruh. Here’s an option that makes it feel a little cooler, might even lessen the pain of the reality that you have to break up with him, but that’s next problem. For now you just want to communicate to the super that you have a boyfriend.

I need you to penetrate the void.
A philosophically sexual statement that begs all kinds of questions. Like, a lot of questions and maybe some problems as well.

Can you top off the empties?
A great option for our service workers out there! Maybe you could even start calling your super ‘chef’ just to spice things up.

The house has been injured. Scalpel?
Another career specific option that sanitizes the ask.

I beg of you to mend the patches of my home.
Desperate, but oh so whimsical it almost doesn’t matter. This is a good option if you’re a renter looking to feel like a trad-wife writing in her secret diary.

I hope that one of these options can lessen the blow of your hole requests. You’re not alone in this. Just because you’ve found a hole doesn’t mean you can’t report it in your own way and on your own terms, no matter how confused your super may become.

Lifelong Metalhead Enters Third Consecutive Decade of People Assuming He Listens to Rammstein

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BOULDER, Colo. — Local metalhead Theo Cordin entered the third consecutive decade of his friends and family assuming he was a fan of German Neue Deutsche Härte band Rammstein, annoyed sources confirmed.

“Yeah, dude, I fucking love metal,” the 46-year-old confirmed. “I got really into thrash when I was a kid, and then I heard Dismember’s ‘Like an Everflowing Stream’ for the first time when I was in middle school, and I’ve been a huge fan of death metal ever since. At no point have I ever listened to Rammstein, but try telling that to everyone else in my life. Just last night a drunk guy started singing that stupid-ass ‘Du Hast’ song at me in a bar when he saw my Obituary shirt. At this point, I just smile and nod when shit like that happens. Trust me, there’s nothing to gain by explaining why being a metalhead doesn’t automatically mean I listen to some German techno band.”

Cordin’s longtime friend Carl Bergquist commented on the situation.

“I’ve known Theo since we were in second grade, and he started wearing black shirts with skulls on them and growing out his hair soon after,” Bergquist noted. “I don’t really listen to stuff like that, but I’ll try to put on Rammstein in the car for him when we’re hanging out, or show him clips of contestants singing ‘Let the Bodies Hit the Floor’ on American Idol. He’ll smile and nod at me, so I can definitely tell he appreciates it. It’s nice to know that I have a common interest with a lifelong friend.”

Sociologist Andrea Marquez explained that members of music subcultures are often mistaken for fans of unassociated bands.

“This is an extremely common complaint amongst members of specific sects,” Marquez confirmed. “Crust punks will receive blink-182 albums as gifts from well-meaning family members, and people will try to relate to their trad goth friends by talking about Evanescence. It can be alienating being the only person in your community who’s a fan of a specific type of music, which is exacerbated by gestures like this. Loved ones who do this definitely have their hearts in the right place, but it would probably be best if they refrained from mentioning music in general.”

At press time, Cordin suffered a breakdown after his mother bought him a ticket to an upcoming Breaking Benjamin concert.

Photo by Phil Smolinski

Nostalgia Bait? My Dad is Dating a Girl I Went to High School With

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Remember the good ol’ days of the early 2000s, when we were blissfully ignorant of social media and the internet was barely out of its infancy? Well, the universe has a cruel sense of humor. I always thought the most shocking post-divorce news about my father would be a new car or, at worst, a questionable tattoo. Instead, I was blindsided by the revelation that he’s dating Melissa Costa—a girl I went to high school with. Yes, that Melissa—the one who had a meltdown at prom because her date got drunk and threw up during “Hey Ya!” Why is everyone so obsessed with nostalgia?!

It’s wild how online culture feeds us nostalgia bait for clicks, but witnessing it in real life? That’s a whole new level of gross. My dad, who just bought a pair of JNCOs, is living out this trend like he’s a photo of the Hamburger Jail at McDonald’s. I’m not sure whether to laugh or hide under the couch. Nostalgia isn’t just a marketing ploy anymore; it’s infiltrating my family dynamics.

In an effort to relive his high school days he accidentally started reliving mine! He’s telling stories to Melissa about that time he drove the both of us to a Linkin Park concert or how he let us stay up late for a Buffy marathon. Watching him try to impress her with tales of flip phones and mixtapes is like witnessing a boomer shitposting Facebook group about streetlights and hose water.

Melissa, of course, is fully aware of what she’s doing—casually referencing “The O.C.” and showing off her “Toxic” choreography. It’s like she’s trying to recreate our teenage years, except now, instead of gossiping in the cafeteria, she’s sipping Chardonnay with my dad while watching TRL clips on YouTube. She even has him reminiscing about nights at Sit-Down Pizza Hut, drinking soda from red plastic cups like they’re starring in some warped ad for an era we should’ve left behind.

So here we are, stuck in a bizarre generational loop where my dad is dating my former classmate, desperately trying to resurrect the glory days of my youth. While I scroll through social media and roll my eyes at posts about Tamagotchis, wood paneling, Winamp, and yellow Wendy’s: nothing could prepare me for the day my dad turned into a walking, talking meme for the early-aughts.

Man Completely Blindsided by Recurring Phone Bill

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local man Dan McKellan was dealt a major personal finance blow after being completely blindsided by his recurring phone bill, sources close to the broke man confirmed.

“I just fucking gave Verizon money last month, and now they want more? And here I was thinking I can finally catch a break after paying off those bloodsuckers at the power company again. I’ve already paid my phone bill at least six or seven times before! They must have nothing else better to do than gouge me,” said McKellan. “If they’re hounding me for $100 now, what’s stopping them from sending me another bill next month? I don’t even make phone calls so if anything they should be paying me to use their shitty internet, especially since I’m just barely getting by. That’s corporate fascism for you.”

McKellen didn’t hold back his rage against Verizon’s customer service department.

“I was confused at first, because I thought he was either messing with me or just suffering from short-term memory loss. But he was indeed calling to complain about a bill he’s received every month for the past five years,” said customer service rep Nancy Paulson. “To his credit, we do send the next bill like a day after you pay the current one but that’s to keep customers on their toes, stressful as that may be. I did offer to take $5 off his payment if he switched to paperless billing and he threatened to burn my house down. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.”

Financial planning experts noted that Americans need to adjust to living with an influx of bills.

“It used to be that one would only need to worry about utilities, phone, and cable bills. But with multi-tier internet and subscription services becoming the norm, I’ve estimated the average person receives a billing notification every 36 hours. And a constant barrage of bills and notifications of increasing fees is guaranteed to drive anyone insane, so we mentally block them out,” said Henry Quan. “The best way to mitigate bills is to share logins and passwords, use your work computer for personal use, and if anyone wants to talk with you, make them do it face to face.”

As of press time, McKellan was distressed to receive another unforeseen bill but was relieved to find it was just his overdue credit card statement and threw it in the trash.