Punk Benjamin Button Born With Weird Rockabilly Phase

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BRIGHTON, N.J. — Local medical marvel Rex Reynolds was reportedly born with a rare condition that made him a fan of rockabilly culture from birth, which was expected to pass after a period of time, several sources reported.

“It’s really the most curious case that I’ve ever seen in my three months as a pediatrician,” Dr. George Alan said. “Normally, when punk couples have kids, the child has a whole life of chaos ahead of them. But in this case, little Rex seems to be doomed to drag racing and hollow-bodied guitars from the start. At least for a little while. We don’t know what will happen as his life progresses, but we can assume this phase should start to fade by the time he’s 47, which by then he will be exclusively pissed off at his parents, listen to Linkin Park, and wear a chain wallet. At that point, he’d basically be equivalent to a 12-year-old.”

The child’s mother Cynthia Reynolds was initially shocked at her son’s condition.

“When the doctor brought out baby Rex from the paternity ward and I saw his little pompadour and Bettie Page forearm tattoo, my immediate thought was, ‘I knew that brief Stray Cats kick would come back to haunt me,’” Reynolds said. “But now I regret all those feelings and I realize that our baby boy is truly something special. How many other parents can say their toddler has been in four tethered knife fights while in daycare? The main downside is that the only thing that’ll get him to stop crying is showing him pictures of classic cars and bowling shirts. This is one of the more embarrassing parts of motherhood.”

Dr. Alicia Amjad, a medical expert in the world of human birth defects, says cases like the Reynolds child are rare, but not unheard of.

“There have been some very notable cases of children being born with anomalies that reflect the subculture of the parents, but it’s sometimes sadder when it doesn’t happen,” Dr. Amjad stated. “For instance, metalhead couples with long hair and Slayer shirts will often be horrified by the fact their child is born bald and wearing nothing at all. It usually takes several hours to explain that’s how all people are born, but they refuse to listen to anything other than Slayer most of the time. There’s no helping them.”

At press time, the child was spotted creating an upright bass from rubber bands and a shoebox.

Red Flag? My Doctor Does Unboxing Videos

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I’m usually a pretty laid-back guy and take things as they come, but it’s tough putting trust in my new Otolaryngologist. While I was doing my due diligence looking up their credentials online I discovered a treasure trove of strange unboxing videos from a YouTuber named “EarNoseThroatGoat.” It turns out that the guy who is about to do my biopsy, Dr. Hanson, has a small following doing this niche content. That’s gotta be a red flag, right?

I get that some people need a side hustle to make a little extra cash or some folks want to try their hand at content creation as a fun hobby, but the fact that a supposed healthcare professional who I’m entrusting with invasive procedures spends his time filming hundreds of YouTube videos unboxing random shit instead of spending more of his time, I dunno, healing people, makes me nervous.

Perhaps if he were reviewing stuff related to the medical field like first aid kits or defibrillators I would feel a bit more comfortable, instead of the numerous videos he has unboxing everything from European BDSM gear, to sneakers he ranks based on their “stealthiness.” Who is he trying to sneak up on? He even has one video where he opens a bunch of “Yu-Gi-Oh!” and his genuine excitement for the product makes me wonder if he ever actually attended medical school.

Okay fine, maybe unboxing videos on their own isn’t that weird and I’m just stressing myself out for no good reason. But then what about all these ASMR videos I also discovered where he’s dressed up like a cat, sipping milk slowly from a saucer? I’m not here to kink shame anyone, but this is the last thing I need to see before I go in for my stapedectomy.

Maybe I’m being a prude and should just trust this guy to do his job. After all, it’s gotta be possible for doctors to have unique interests outside of their chosen fields. Who cares if those interests involve them unboxing pleasure whips from Estonia, or making whisper porn videos of them purring like an exotic shorthair. The important thing is that they’re professional and know how to operate the giant probes they are going to use to enter me while I’m unconscious.

On second thought, maybe some calming ASMR videos might be just what the doctor ordered before I pass out from fear.

Mosh Pit Significantly Less Appealing After Being Kicked Off Parent’s Health Insurance

Posted on by Sara Božin

LOS ANGELES – 26-year-old punk Max Goldstein unfortunately sustained an injury in a mosh pit immediately after being kicked off his parents’ insurance plan, concerned sources confirmed.

“Yeah, it was nuts. My friends and I stopped by a house show the day after my birthday. I decided to go into the pit, like I always do. When someone just barely brushed past me, all of my bones immediately turned to dust, “ said Goldstein solemnly. “They had to stop the show, turn the lights on, and sweep the remains of my skeleton into a dustpan. The paramedics were no help: they just said ‘aw man, that looks bad.’ Then they handed me my bone dust in a ziplock bag, shrugged, and left. Ever since then, mosh pits have sort of lost their appeal.”

Rachel Cifuentes, a 25-year-old friend of Goldstein, was also present at the house show where the accident occurred.

“I was shocked to see it happen, not gonna lie. Max usually dominates the pit. But I’m sure he’ll be fine in a week or so. I’m not really sure how all of that stuff with insurance works, but how expensive could a new set of bones possibly be?” Cifuentes said obliviously. “I still have another year before I have to worry about any shit like that. And like, you can just go to Home Depot around Halloween and buy a whole skeleton.”

Insurance specialist Brad Elrod was able to provide some expertise on the way that the American healthcare system typically works.

“Usually when someone sustains an injury of this nature, many insurance companies will resist coverage due to bones being a pre-existing condition. If you’re lucky, you’ll be referred to a specialist with a two year waitlist,” said Elrod. “At your appointment with the specialist, they’ll perform an exam where they’ll have you put on a clown nose and dunce cap. Then they point and laugh and say ‘ha ha, look at this guy, he has dust for bones!’ And then they’ll charge you six million dollars.”

At press time, Goldstein remains hopeful that he can just take some ibuprofen and walk it off.

Photo by MG Ommert.

Elon Musk Introduces Neuralink Premium Which Allows Recipients to Maintain Basic Function of Limbic System for Additional $8 Monthly

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

FREMONT, Calif — Neuralink owner Elon Musk announced Neuralink Premium which will allow anyone using his implantable brain–computer interfaces to maintain basic bodily functions for $8 a month.

“This is a big step forward for humanity. If things keep moving forward at this rate then this will be a consumer product anyone can have lodged in their brain in less than a decade. Just think how easy it will be to turn on your television just by thinking ‘turn on television.’ No more reaching upwards of three feet away for remotes, or yelling things at your smart TV,” said the world’s second-richest man. “And we will also have a premium package that guarantees we won’t remotely shut down your limbic system for the low monthly price of $8. This gives you full access to your long-term memory, sexual stimulation, even your sense of smell. We are already working on a Premium+ package that will use AI to make you seem more charming when you talk. The AI has been trained off of my daily banter with friends, so you are guaranteed to be more popular.”

Neuralink employees are already being instructed to push the paid packages on potential customers.

“I’ve worked as a neurosurgeon for nearly two decades and was excited to work with a team of dedicated professionals to improve the world. But for the past few months I’ve been forced to send emails to the people on our waiting list about ‘Exciting new features,’” said Dr. Anjana Patel. “I should have known this was going to problem when Mr. Musk sent us all shirts that said ‘Let’s get some brain.’ I know what that means, and it has no place here.”

Critics are expressing concern over the new technology.

“There is a chance that the Neuralink chips could provide great benefits to people who have lost function of limbs and it may give them a greater sense of independence. But also there is an even better chance that Elon could use this technology to automatically beam a meme into your brain that he thought was funny,” said Collin Semper, who heads a watchdog group focused on medical technology. “Or even worse, every time you try to picture something in your mind’s eye it just plays a full episode of Tucker Carlson’s talk show that you can’t shut off.”

At press time, Musk said the first human recipient of the Neuralink chip is healing up nicely and showing no signs of the woke mind virus.

Whimsical Punk Mouse in Children’s Book Lives in Marlboro Red Carton

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

KERFUFFLEVILLE — Bozo, a punk mouse living in the fictional children’s book town of Kerfuffleville, has reportedly taken up residence in a Marlboro Red carton, confirmed a whimsical assortment of anthropomorphic animals.

“I’ve been riding the rails and drifting from town to town. I finally landed here and I want to settle in, maybe start a band or something,” said Bozo, stretched out on a long discarded baby sock with a half-eaten piece of Gouda in his mouth. “I have lived in a ton of different places over the years, shabby boots, rotten cantaloupes, inside perfectly arched mouse holes, but this is the best spot I’ve ever been in! It’s roomy and smells like moldy cigarettes. Honestly heaven for a guy like me.”

Caitlyn Cat, a long-time resident of Kerfuffleville, has noticed the newcomers and is concerned about what the arrival of various punk critters might do to property values.

“It’s an invasion, if you ask me. Every day I watch them scurry off boxcars and take refuge in any detritus they can find. These ‘punks,’ if that’s what you want to call them, stay up way past bedtime, cuss, and drink soda pop on street corners downtown,” said the exasperated Cat. “And no matter what I say to the mayor or city council, they won’t do anything about the illegal music venue these critters have set up in an abandoned umbrella warehouse. They’re hanging up their obscene concert fliers all over town!”

Mr. Bear, the mayor of cute little town, understands the concerns of some citizens but contends that the influx of youngsters is helping jumpstart the local economy.

“Look, everyone knows this city was hit hard by the closure of the ladder factory, and I understand that some of our residents are upset with all the new folks coming to town,” said Mr. Bear. “And yes, we’ve had some issues with some ‘punk’ critters being loud and disorderly. That being said, we’ve seen a revival of our downtown area. Coffee shops and art galleries have begun to open, and Kerfuffleville is getting a reputation as a ‘hip’ place to be. So yes, are some of the fliers with band names like Gobblegoop, Terd, and Toilet Paste obscene? Sure. But we have to weigh the good with the bad.”

At press time, Bozo was questioning whether his roommate Lenny Lizard liked thrash band Burp Poop and challenged him to name three of their songs.

Opinion: My Favorite Hometown Dive Bar May be a Panera Bread Now, But That Won’t Stop Me From Getting Absolutely Shit-Housed and Crying in the Parking Lot

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

They say that home is where you make it, and when I found out that my favorite hometown watering hole was replaced with a Panera Bread, I decided to put the sentiment to the test. I had to pour one out for Splunky’s, but I really ended up pouring out like 14. Hell, most of the time my buddies and I would be half in the bag before even arriving on dollar draught night. Just because the good old days are long gone doesn’t mean I can’t turn it up and have an unforgettable evening of my own design.

Luckily, I always roll in style, and I already had my Giant Jenga set in the trunk of my Corolla. I would have busted out the cornhole, but my roommate back in the city needed to borrow it for a hometown visit of his own. I called up all of my best buds from back in the day, but I forgot that we all live in different states now. But hey, there’s nothing wrong with having a solo night of debauchery. I figured I’d even make a couple new friends along the way.

So naturally, I started pregaming in my car, and shotgunned a few Twisted Teas to really set the mood. But beforehand, I grabbed a couple of those Charged Lemonades from the drive-thru so I could keep the buzz going well into the night. It’s not quite Four Loko, but it got the job done.

When I finally had a good buzz going, I quickly realized how different things really were. If we were still raging at Splunky’s, everybody would have died of laughter when I threw $20 into the TouchTunes and played nothing but “Wonderwall” for three hours. But blasting it from my car stereo had a polarizing effect, to say the least.

I had to sober up, and fast. “Get me out of here!” I said to no one in particular. “I mean, I need some of that soup in a fucking bread bowl…. stat!” But the kitchen was closed, which threw me into a rage and made me want to storm out and call my ex-girlfriend, which I did like 23 times in a row until she picked up.

Turns out drunk dialing somebody you dated for three weeks over 12 years ago is less of a crowd-pleaser than Liam Gallagher.

Sobbing uncontrollably in a drunken stupor, I wallowed in self-pity and gently pissed my pants. But then I had an epiphany: it wasn’t Splunky’s that made me feel so alive when I was younger. It was public recreational substance abuse.

Next time I go visit my folks, I’m gonna check out that new Lowe’s they broke ground on last week.

Los Angeles Police Budget Allocates $50,000 For De-Escalation Training, $1 Billion For Escalation Training

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department announced that in response to requests from the public they are now allocating $50,000 of their budget towards de-escalation training while maintaining the normal $1 Billion they use for their standard escalation training.

“I’m glad we were finally able to get some resources for these valuable techniques in the budget,” said de-escalation counselor Luigi Prestifillipo. “I kept advocating for getting some sort of training for our officers and how they should learn how to bring a situation down to a simmer before it all boils over and suddenly your kitchen is filled with hot pasta water and you’ve scalded your arms and you need to shoot your way out. But they kept telling me ‘It’s not in the budget’ to which I was like then put it in the budget you mook! You’ve got $1 Billion advocated for how to kill people, maybe send me a few bucks and we can save ourselves some money on these police brutality lawsuits. It’s good to know that they’re finally pretending to listen.”

Longtime LAPD member sergeant Kevin Polanski was less than receptive towards having to take this extra training.

“You really expect me to take 1 hour a year out of my busy schedule to come and hear some guy tell me I shouldn’t be clubbing people who can’t pack up their tents fast enough?” said a clearly miffed Polanski. “The whole thing really hurts my brain too because after being taught that everyone is a threat and should be treated as such, now they want to tell me that sometimes people desperately need help and I need to show empathy? Like do they want some old lady skulls bashed in or not? Because I have and I probably will continue to crush old lady skulls.”

Chief of Police Michel Moore clarified that the de-escalation program wouldn’t get in the way of the LAPD doing their normal job.

“Before I hear any complaints about this from the union I want everyone to know that everything will be business as usual,” said Chief Moore. “See someone of a different persuasion in your rich neighborhood? Is there a homeless guy sleeping outside your store? Are there people just minding their own business standing around? Well don’t you worry. The LAPD is ready, sort of willing, and well-trained to come and turn these situations into events that will end up causing days of public protest. No de-escalation course is going to change that.”

At press time, sources confirmed that the police union was able to whittle the training down from a 1-hour course and turn it into a small pamphlet no one is expected to read located next to the trash can in the break room.

Man Who Spent 30th Birthday Convincing Himself He’s Old Spends 40th Birthday Convincing Himself He’s Still Kind of Young

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

HANSON, Mass. — Local man Ryan Cook reportedly spent his entire 40th birthday reassuring himself he’s not that old, despite calling himself geriatric 10 years prior on the same day, sources close to the man confirmed.

“I remember turning 30 and thinking, ‘Well this is it, I should prepare a will and pick out a burial plot before my brain turns to goo.’ But that’s not how it played out at all, my 30s were pretty good. My metabolism slowed a little bit and I started going to bed an hour earlier, but that’s about it,” said Cook. “Now that I’m 40 I basically feel 20 again. I’m going to skateboard more, get a crap load of tattoos, and I’m welcoming the next few decades with open arms. I’ve found myself listening to the Minor Threat song ‘Minor Threat’ on repeat for the past few weeks, I know Ian was like 19 when they wrote that, but I can relate to the ‘It’s not how old I am, it’s how old I feel’ line. It’s going to be lit once I figure out how to use Tiktok, no cap.”

Cook’s wife of 13 years Gerri Baccay was cautiously optimistic about her spouse’s new attitude.

“I’m happy that Ryan is feeling reinvigorated. He spent the last three years with a terrible case of plantar fasciitis and once that finally went away it seemed like he would pull a muscle in his back every other week,” said Baccay. “I’ll catch him staring at himself in the bathroom mirror counting the wrinkles on his forehead and around his eyes. He just stares with dead eyes, like he’s looking past his reflection hoping to manifest a younger version of himself. It’s kind of scary. But then he throws on a t-shirt of some hyped new hardcore band and he pretends everything is ok. Even though he orders all those shirts online, he hasn’t been to a show in six years.”

Psychologist Thomas Monson says what Cook is experiencing is very common.

“When people turn 40 they get this sudden burst of energy like they are ready to tackle the world, but that typically only lasts three years at the most. Once a man has to think about scheduling their first prostate exam they realize how close to death they actually are,” said Dr. Monson. “But the most telling sign you’ve finally gotten old is when a neighbor is throwing a party and you call the cops on them if it goes later than 8:30 p.m., and if you don’t think it will happen to you then just wait.”

At press time, friends and family were desperately trying to convince Cook to not sign up for improv classes.

Biden Announces 2024 Campaign Slogan “I’ll Die in Office Anyway, So You Won’t Have to Put Up With Me for Much Longer”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden unveiled his new 2024 campaign slogan which promises voters he will die in office soon after being elected, DNC officials confirmed.

“Listen up Jack, I know people are saying I’m too old, that I look like a corpse that escaped the morgue, and that children scream whenever I’m on the television because they think a skeleton is coming to steal their bones, but I need your support in 2024,” said the incumbent. “When you go into the ballot box in November just know a vote for me is a vote for a guy who will die in less than a year and will be succeeded by his Vice President. If you want a change in this country then vote for me, and change is bound to happen. Heck, it’s been over 60 years since a President died in office. Let’s give it another try, America.”

Registered Democrats across the country are already resonating with the new message.

“I don’t want to see a repeat of the 2020 election. Trump and Biden are both two of the last people I want in charge. But knowing that Biden plans on dying soon after being sworn in for a second term makes him a much better candidate,” said Massachusetts resident Cara O’Malley. “I swore I wouldn’t vote for him because of how he is handling Gaza, but maybe, just maybe Vice President Harris is a better option. But I really don’t know, they never seem to let her talk. I haven’t learned anything new about her in the past four years.”

The Trump campaign is also workshopping new slogans as the former president attempts to lock up the Republican nomination.

“In 2016 people went nuts for ‘Make America Great Again,’ and we want to capture that same fire. We are workshopping slogans like ‘Let’s Bomb Mexico Off the Fucking Map,’ and ‘God Hates Democrats.’ Both are polling really well,” said Trump’s Communication Director Steven Cheung. “But we still haven’t landed on something short and sweet that scares people into voting for Trump. We need people to think they will have to pledge allegiance to the Pride flag if they don’t vote our way. I’m just spitballing here but something like ‘Trump 2024: Biden Will Turn You Gay.’”

At press time, every justice on the Supreme Court applauded President Biden’s commitment to dying in power.

What My Musician Boyfriend Lacks in Money He Makes up for in Narcissism, Depression, and an Undying Obsession With Fame!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

It’s no surprise that my parents disapprove of my singer/songwriter boyfriend, but when my besties started calling his financial situation and all of his personality traits “red flags,” I had to defend our relationship. Like, I know he doesn’t make as much as their boyfriends with their soulless nine to fives, but I like that he’s doing something non-traditional. They clearly don’t understand that his narcissism, depression, and an undying obsession with fame is all part of his journey.

They just need to put positive spins on his not-so-pleasant qualities like I do.

Where they see his fame obsession, I see him striving for greatness. I’ll finally get him out of his home studio to go apple picking, and sure, at first he’ll bitch that anything other than the pursuit of success is frivolous, but once he sees that people love apple picking, he’ll have this eureka moment that an apple-picking song could be his golden ticket! I’ll just want to hold hands and stroll through the orchard, but he’ll be feverishly writing his new apple song on the dashboard. His dastardly grin, like a Bond villain trying to take over the world, is kinda cute.

After the apple picking song, or the beach song, or the cherry blossom song isn’t the singular thing that makes him world-famous, he dips into a weeks-long depression. But that just means he cares deeply. He’ll barely get out of bed, so I’ll feed him, water him, and inflate his ego enough to shower and begin his next plot for world domination. Those times are tough because I’ll have stuff going on in my life, and I’d like his support sometimes too, but he reminds me that I’m being a lot and that he’s going through something real. After realizing that he never listened to my feelings, I told him how many great songs are about feelings. Now I get to vent while he nods along holding a voice recorder in my face.

I don’t think he feels emotions like the rest of us, but he is really good at reminding me to be grateful. Like, I’ll tell him how much I want to quit my soul-crushing, verbally abusive job, but he’ll beg me not to. He reminds me of the salary and benefits, and how this is by far the nicest apartment he’s ever lived in, so I trudge back in there the next day. By paying for absolutely everything now, I’m allowing him the time to hone his craft, which will one day make us millions! Plus, he’ll completely drop the toxic behavior and focus more on our relationship once he achieves his goals, right?!