NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Local man Max Broderson reportedly ended a romantic viewing of “Fast & Furious 6” by asking his date if she also climaxed, sources waiting patiently for an Uber confirmed.
“I am an attentive lover first and foremost. The Fast franchise is about family and looking out for each other, and so I want to make sure my date is having a good time and also getting her needs fulfilled,” said Broderson from the studio apartment he shares with two other roommates. “For example, I’d be happy to play ‘Fast & Furious 7’ I just worry because this relationship is so new I’m not sure if I want her to see me cry when Paul Walker and Vin Diesel drive away from each other at the end of the film. Rest in peace Paul, I hope to see you when I get there. But if she needs the next four movies to get over the top I’m willing to do it, especially because I know some women can take a while. I can go all night, or at least for all 17.5 hours of the franchise.”
Broderson’s date, Kelsey Turner, confirms the interaction was one of the most surprising sexual encounters she has ever had.
“I thought Max was exaggerating when he told me he will ‘literally cum his pants during the airplane sequence,’ but I guess he was dead serious,” Turner said. “When he asked if I came, I had no idea what to say. I mean, I’ve faked orgasms before, and I’ve also faked liking ‘Fast & Furious’ movies, but never at the same time. I just told him I got close but am on Prozac.”
“Fast & Furious” franchise producer Randall Henrickson addressed the recently discovered phenomenon of women failing to experience orgasms during the movies.
“It’s disappointing to hear that these films aren’t making every woman that watches cum so hard they forget their own phone number, that has always been our intention,” Henrickson said.
“Are we sure there’s not a third variable at play here? For instance, let’s imagine a woman—for the sake of the example, let’s call her ‘my wife.’ And let’s say you play ‘my wife’ all 10 ‘Fast & Furious’ movies and she still reports no climactic sexual pleasure. Is it possible that the woman is simply too distracted or too in her own head to fully let the action sequences take control of her body and rev through her loins like you can? Has that been taken into consideration when we calculate the figures?”
At press time, Broderson was seen offering his date more foreplay and putting on “The Godfather 3.”