JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local metalhead Trent Clayton remains hopeful that the Slayer reunion festival tour schedule didn’t conflict with his pending Capitol Riot court date, confirmed multiple sources.
“Just my luck, Slayer reunites after five years and it’s the same time big government decides they want to put me on trial for, uh, my patriotic tour I allegedly took at the Capitol on January 6th,” said Clayton, while his lawyer nudged him and whispered something in his ear. “I went to five dates on their Final World Tour and was really careful to make sure any crimes I committed were just misdemeanors. I wouldn’t have done anything allegedly ‘treasonous’ if I knew they were gonna get back together! I mean they couldn’t have waited til next year after Trump pardons everyone?”
Clayton’s lawyer Archie Gladstone was busy fielding calls from potential clients all over the country that were in the same predicament.
“Ever since they announced the tour dates my phone hasn’t stopped ringing with clients asking if I can get their court date moved so they can go to Riot Fest. As their lawyer, I advise my clients that missing a court date to go to a concert would be a very bad idea—but as a motherfucking Slayer fan, no federal prison bars could hold me back,” said Gladstone, rolling up his sleeve to reveal a Slayer logo carved into his forearm. “Like it says on my billboard, ‘Just because you did it, doesn’t mean they can prove it.’ Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to order some new business cards so I can pass them out in the pit in case this turns into Capitol Riot Fest.”
Slayer guitarist Kerry King encouraged fans to make it to the dates, or else they might miss the band’s Final Final World Tour.
“Man I don’t give a shit if you don’t think you can go—buy tickets anyways, break your parole, whatever you gotta do, I wanna see the crowd full of Slayer fans because these are definitely the last Slayer tour dates ever,” said King, crossing out ‘Final’ on a world tour poster from 2019. “At least these will be the last North American dates, some of those oil-rich countries pay stupid money for live shows. We would love to Qatar sometime, just thinking of all the rare snakes I could buy with that sort of money gives me goosebumps.”
At press time, former president Donald Trump announced that he would be capitalizing on the situation by selling bootleg $400 gold merch with ‘DONALD TRUMP’ in the Slayer logo font.