NEW HAVEN, Conn. — A basement performance from local blues-based folk punk act 6 Millionth Cigarette has been postponed due to the drummer’s mother needing his entire makeshift kit to prepare dinner, sources confirmed.
“Damn it to hell I had all my pots and pans set up perfectly, and she had to go and ruin it all for the sake of a casserole or somethin’! All that’s left is the stolen welcome mat I’ve used as a drum rug since last Halloween! I tell ya, I got half a mind to put my snare drum in the dishwasher as revenge. She’ll hate that, since it’s cast iron, ya see?” said 6 Millionth Cigarette drummer Wilson “Milky” Wallis in an obviously affected southern twang, despite growing up in central Connecticut. “Seriously, this is giving me flashbacks to the time we couldn’t play because someone was using my hi-hat to complete their Johnny Appleseed costume.”
Wallis’ mother Nadine took time out of her cooking to offer a curt rebuttal before clearing everyone in her vicinity out of her way.
“If he wanted to start his show on time, well, then he should put that Williams Sonoma giftcard he got for Christmas to good use and buy his own cookware! Simple as that. Plus, he has a perfectly good substitute right there in the corner of the pantry,” said the mother of four, motioning toward a dust-covered pristine 7-piece Gretsch kit with the price tags still dangling on them in the kitchen corner. “The stew only needs about an hour to simmer. He can have everything back after that, but so help me if he plays them without washing them first. I mean, come on, son, that’s bad both hygienically AND acoustically!”
The crowd gathered at the gig was annoyed, but eyebrows were raised devilishly over the prospect of free food.
“Forced to choose between the two? I’d take a home-cooked meal over a bunch of rich white kids drunkenly fumbling their way through another set of Howlin’ Wolf covers any day. And I’m saying that as a fan,” said door person Archie Eccleston-Dambers, while tucking a monogrammed napkin into the collar of his homemade 6 Millionth Cigarette t-shirt in hopeful anticipation. “Keep this between us, but if those pans come back with a little cobbler or even some chili residue stuck to them, I’m gonna shoot my shot and offer to help him set up to try to get a quick fingerful. I haven’t eaten since breakfast.”
At press time, Wallis’ father was still scratching his head wondering what happened to the propane tank off his grill, which is currently being used as his son’s drum stool.