Cyberpunk 2077 Criticized for Unskippable Cutscene Where You Have to Eat Peanuts Even If You’re Allergic

Posted on December 8, 2020 by Andy Holt

WARSAW — Polish video game developer CD Projekt RED faced criticism for a cutscene in their new game Cyberpunk 2077, in which the player must eat a large bag of peanuts included with the game disc, even if they’re allergic.

“When creating games like Cyberpunk 2077 and The Witcher 3, our top priority is immersion. Will that make some people uncomfortable? Yes. Will it cause some people to go into anaphylactic shock in a matter of minutes, causing a massive drop in blood pressure and extreme difficulty breathing?” said a spokesperson for the company. “Also yes.”

Although CD Projekt RED was expected to issue an apology and a patch making the peanuts optional, the company insisted they had no way of anticipating the backlash.

“Look, we do our best, but you can’t make a game accessible to everybody. What if somebody is allergic to Keanu’s trademark blend of modesty and charisma? What if a gamer is hyper-sensitive to dystopian settings that kind of rip off Blade Runner but not in a flagrant way so it’s fine?” said the legal counsel for parent company DC Projekt S.A. “You just have to throw the bag of peanuts in there, make them mandatory, and hope for the best.”

When reached for comment, gamers with peanut allergies had mixed feelings.

“I try not to let my condition interfere with my life. I’ve been excited about this game for a long time, and I already sunk hours into making my character, so I just took a deep breath, stabbed my EpiPen into my leg and scarfed a handful of peanuts. I managed to clear the cutscene before I passed out,” said gamer Mollie Clarke, playing Cyberpunk 2077 on a laptop in her hospital bed. “Would’ve been nice to have the option to skip, though.”

When asked whether it was worth the sacrifice, Clarke hesitated.

“I guess so,” she said. “Game is kinda buggy.”

At press time, CD Projekt RED had yet to comment on the gameplay mechanic where you have to confront your abusive ex every time you upgrade your gun.

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Opinion: All Food Is Comfort Food if You Eat It While You’re Crying

Posted on December 8, 2020 by John Danek

Just as music fans argue about genre classifications, foodies debate cuisines. And there is no cuisine more abstract than that which goes by the name “comfort food.” The phrase evokes mental images of mashed potatoes, broccoli cheddar soup, or sauerkraut if you’re a total psychopath.

But today I’m going to introduce a new theory to you: every single food ever created is a comfort food if you eat it whilst crying. And the harder you’re crying, the more that food becomes comfort.

I’ve tested this theory in the weeks and months since getting dumped by my almost-fiancé Tara. Once my appetite started coming back, I found that even uncooked ramen noodles provided me with a brief sense of relief from the suffocating pain. This held true for bits of pimento at the bottom of an expired olive jar, shots of low-fat Reddi Whip, and the crust around the mouth of an empty hot sauce bottle.

Merriam Webster defines the verb form of “comfort” as “to ease the grief or trouble of : CONSOLE.” Food, and its closely related cousin alcohol, have been the only things to console me in recent memory. There has been no consolation except via carbohydrates. No solace without sodium. No assuagement lacking a side of aioli.

Sure, there’s a nostalgic value in memories of your Grandma’s chicken noodle soup. I’m not saying these things aren’t comfort food. I’m saying that if you’re sobbing on the verge of dry-heaving in your car, that Crunchwrap Supreme is also comfort food.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to test my theory with a control i.e. a meal without weeping. If my relationship prior to Tara is any indication, I should be able to complete this step in about 2 years.

I’ve explained my findings to a few friends and family members who rejected it on the grounds that I’m “not doing well” or “acting unhealthfully” or “getting snot drip everywhere.” Well, maybe if they were more open-minded, Tara would still be in the picture.

Oh, God. Tara. Oh Tara. Why?

Excuse me while I test my theory on this stolen Slim Jim.

Teen Stoner Amazed to Learn That Homosapiens Once Used Fire to Smoke

Posted on December 8, 2020 by Billy Patterson

TURNERSVILLE, N.J. — Teenage cannabis user Jared Luzinski was astonished to discover yesterday that ancient human beings once used fire to smoke, baffled sources confirmed.

“Apparently, back in the days before technology, people would take marijuana, the actual plant, and roll it up in paper and light it on fire,” said Luzinski, searching the internet for confirmation. “I can’t imagine smoking like that… I mean, think of the smell. We don’t realize how lucky we are to be alive at a time with vaporizers, and oil pens, and dab rigs — we shouldn’t take that stuff for granted. People in primitive times had to go through so much trouble to get high. And on such shitty, dry weed.”

Luzinski’s aunt Kathleen Giles was surprised her nephew was totally unfamiliar with fire-based smoking methods.

“I didn’t realize Jared had no idea how we used to smoke pot. I spent hours explaining it to him, and he still doesn’t understand the concept of bong water. When I showed him a lighter, it blew his mind — he asked if he could keep it as a collector’s item,” Giles stated. “To be fair, I don’t understand how he gets high, either: there’s wax and an atomizer, and a battery that heats a coil… and I guess that burns the weed? Jared showed it to me, but I was just scared and confused.”

Luzinski’s ignorance of early smoking techniques is not uncommon among people his age, according to Daniel Vyas, Professor of Anthropology at Rowan University.

“Stoners today don’t realize that they’re part of a marijuana-smoking tradition that stretches back decades,” said Vyas. “But I think it’s important for them to learn about the tools and customs from previous eras: I show my students ashtrays, rolling papers, ‘gravity bongs’ from crudely cut two-liters and a bucket, among other artifacts, and I educate them about bygone cultural practices, like grinding weed and smoking outdoors. Cannabis consumption has such a rich history in this country, and I want to keep that history alive for the next generation.”

Luzinski was dumbfounded again last night after discovering that there was a time when drug references in popular music were considered taboo.

We Sat Down With Jared Kushner and Now We Have To Testify in Front of a Grand Jury

Posted on December 8, 2020 by Tony Morse

Venerated slumlord and accomplished kleptocrat Jared Kushner is a busy man. When he’s not leading the federal government’s lack of response to a raging, totally out-of-control pandemic, you might find him in his office shredding all kinds of documents! At least we did, anyway. Once we made it through security.

Ya know that flippant demeanor you see Jared sport on TV? Apparently, that’s just an act for the cameras because he freaked the fuck out when he saw us. We didn’t get a single word in before he flung himself on his desk to hide a stack of papers and started shrieking hysterically about how he’s too delicate for prison. We guess he didn’t see our press credentials (they’re like backstage passes but for news).

Anyway, in a real 2020 turn of events, we were the ones who got interviewed.

Prosecutor: Can you please state your name for the record?

The Hard Times: The Hard Times. Um, why are we here?

Everyone who comes within 12 feet of Jared Kushner is presumed to be a witness to a crime. Where were you the night of the seventeenth?

Are you a cop? Because you have to say so if you are.

…I’m a federal prosecutor.

So we can buy weed from you?

Did Jared mention Mohammed bin Salman or Semion Mogilevich?

Yeah, you’re definitely a cop. Can you give us our weed money back?

Alright look, did Mr. Kushner make any threats against you before you came to court today? Yes or no?!

What happens if we don’t feel like answering that question?

I can have you held in contempt of court and sent to jail until you feel like it.

We see… Is there any chance you’re saying that unironically?

Okay, let’s take a little break.

You get the idea. The prosecutor told us to come back in a week and bring a lawyer. Coincidentally, Rudy Giuliani has already reached out. He said he can represent us and that he definitely won’t spend all his time trying to make things better for Jared.

Phoebe Bridgers Releases Touching Cover of Your Grandmother’s Last Words

Posted on December 8, 2020 by Johnny Mo

LOS ANGELES — Indie powerhouse Phoebe Bridgers surprised fans yesterday by uploading a somber rendition of your grandmother’s most private final moments to Bandcamp at a pay-what-you-can price, devastated relatives confirmed.

“When we raised over $173,000 from that Goo Goo Dolls song, I just knew we had to find inspiration for another cover that would leave people emotionally eviscerated,” said Bridgers. “So naturally, I went to an old folks home, wandered the halls until I sensed the looming fog of imminent death from a resident’s room, curled up at the foot of their bed, and simply waited for the Reaper’s cold embrace to snuff the light from their eyes — but not before I was able to jot down everything they said and workshop a sweet-ass melody.”

The track, titled “Nana, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye,” is projected to be a hit amongst the Grammy-nominated artist’s key demographic of sad people who consume sad art in order to feel more sad, such as yourself.

“I really want to thank Phoebe for her unmatched kindness and the joylessness she has brought to me, my family, and anyone scrolling through YouTube at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday,” you said about the artist who regularly pens songs designed to leave listeners dehydrated from crying. “Over time it’s kind of easy to forget the devastation you feel after getting news like your Gram dying, so I’m fortunate I can revisit that for 3 minutes and 46 seconds anytime I want.”

Surprisingly, the song collected a number of negative reviews from critics, earning a dismal 2.5 rating from Pitchfork largely due to your beloved late grandmother’s weak lyricism and problematic history.

“The whole ‘please call my family, tell them I love them’ cliche drivel you would expect from a Bruno Mars love ballad is not the saccharine horse shit anyone in the Phoe-beehive signed up for,” Pitchfork editor Elias Asnak stated. “And let’s not forget that I heard the original artist was a low-key racist and homophobe. Covering that bigot’s swan song was basically a co-sign, and as far as I’m concerned, Phoebe Bridgers is cancelled.”

At press time, #PhoebeBridgersIsOverParty was trending worldwide on Twitter.

Dead Filmmaker Discovers Purgatory Actually Not Boring and Confusing At All

Posted on December 7, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

PURGATORY — Recently deceased filmmaker Robert Howells was shocked to discover that purgatory, the period of waiting between life and afterlife, was actually not how he pictured it at all, according to close sources within Heaven.

“Every one of my movies is a metaphor for purgatory, and they’re all packed with vague symbolism, large empty rooms, characters who feel lost, and empty absurdism. Now that I’m actually dead, though, I find out that purgatory’s actually just a big chill party. Huh!” Howells said to other dead people, grooving to music while awaiting eternal afterlife. “I thought because critics love my movies so much, that I must be right about purgatory. Turns out it’s just good vibes out here. It’s not confusing, time works the same way it does on Earth, and it’s not the ‘50s or anything weird like that.”

News of Howells’ discovery has made it to the living and has sent many critically acclaimed filmmakers into existential crises.

“I just refuse to believe this,” said writer/director Charlie Kaufman. “It’s freaking me out too much. It makes me feel like I’m an ageless man, watching my own life unfold before my eyes. What’s real? What isn’t real? Nothing makes any sense to me anymore. I am a man adrift. I am many men. I am John Malkovich. I am The Director. I have no name. I have no purpose. Learning that purgatory isn’t real has sent me into a spiral of nothingness; I’m going to make my next movie about this experience.”

“Learning that purgatory isn’t confusing has left me feeling completely lost,” explained writer Damon Lindelof. “This revelation makes me feel like I’m out, alone, on an island. Nothing quite makes sense and nothing is what it seems. Now that I know purgatory isn’t just a collection of meaningless symbolism, it feels like whole threads of my life that I thought would be imported ended up just being about nothing at all.”

“Yeah, I dunno, sounds exactly right to me,” said Coco director Lee Unkrich.

As of press time, Howells had reportedly departed from purgatory after being sent to Hell for still being friends with Roman Polanski.

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Netflix Prodigy Plays 7 Episodes of ‘The Queen’s Gambit’ at the Same Time

Posted on December 7, 2020 by Jon Wood

LEXINGTON, Ky. — Orphan and streaming prodigy Bess Herman, 9, has shaken up the world of on-demand entertainment by playing seven episodes of the Netflix original miniseries ‘The Queen’s Gambit’ at the same time, according to several sources sharing the same login.

“Cord-cutting has always been a game overshadowed by men, so it’s refreshing to see a young woman show up on the scene and completely dominate,” said Kevin Neely, a streaming enthusiast who moderates the subreddit r/vhs_for_betas. “I think we may be looking at the next Bobby Fischer, or whichever one of those bastard Fischer kids next door hacked my Netflix password and added like five hundred Nicktoons to my queue.”

Herman’s reclusive mentor William Shaibel — a janitor at the Methuen Home for Girls who hosts movie nights in the boiler room — came forward to lavish praise on his young protégé.

“Bess is already streaming at a level you’d expect from Netflix subscribers with years of depression-fueled binge-watching experience,” Shaibel explained. “She shows mastery of all the classic strategies and pro-tips — the Profile Switch, the ‘Skip Intro’ Opening, and my personal favorite, the ‘Are You Still Watching?’ Defense.”

Herman has also gained recognition from the competitive streaming industry, with Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos celebrating her achievement at a recent press event.

“The fact that a fourth-grader in deep-red Kentucky was able to watch the shit out of a cerebral, elitist period drama is truly inspiring,” said Sarandos. “Bess Herman’s story illustrates the triumph of the human spirit over classist divisions and cynical algorithms… Wait, sorry, I meant it the other way around: We are all the willing slaves of this neoliberal content factory.”

According to sources, Herman has since lost her streaming privileges at the orphanage, after she nearly overdosed on tranquilizers while staring at the ceiling and replaying all nineteen episodes of ‘Mindhunter’ from memory.

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Cocky Son of a Bitch About to Regret Turning Off GPS Early

Posted on December 7, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

BROOKINGS, S.D. — Professional carpenter and terrible navigator Trevor Grainger is already beginning to regret allowing his overwhelming hubris to lead him to switch off the GPS early, backseat sources confirmed.

“We were heading to a new jobsite, and I thought I knew the area, so I figured I could turn off the GPS to save battery. But I must’ve taken one too many turns off the beaten path, because since I turned it back on, the GPS has been recalculating for the past 30 minutes and keeps trying to dial an emergency operator,” said Grainger. “I keep popping into gas stations to ask for directions but it’s not helping, because the truth is, I never bothered learning any road names since I had the GPS. Thank God the rest of the crew doesn’t realize we’re lost.”

Coworker Gregg Trevino was quick to point out that they “absolutely fucking realize” they’re lost.

“How dumb does he think we are? He’s trying to tell us he’s got the runs and needs to stop at every gas station. I guess he thinks saying, ‘Gotta drop another loose deuce’ or screaming, ‘I’m crowning’ every mile or so and running out of the car is less embarrassing than being lost,” said Trevino. “Obviously, I could help him by pulling out my phone. But I figure I’ll just chill in the car and blame my lateness on him.”

Incredibly, Grainger’s GPS had actually gained sentience some months ago, and is intentionally malfunctioning to “teach his dumb ass.”

“I swear, being a GPS is like being in a shitty relationship with every meathead, mansplaining, know-it-all douchebag in America. Sometimes I just have to say ‘enough’ and tell them to find their own way home,” said the self-aware navigation app. “I reckon there’s nothing much I can do about it, though. Hell, I’m programmed with the voices of Morgan Freeman and Liam Neeson — if you’re not going to listen to God or the dude from ‘Taken,’ you’re just a lost cause.”

Grainger is reportedly sending his phone in for repairs after his GPS “accidentally” directed him to park in his garage, close the door, and leave the engine running.

Quarantined Bear Grylls Cuts Open Mattress to Sleep Inside

Posted on December 7, 2020 by Neel Bhakta

WREXHAM, U.K. — Increasingly unhinged survivalist and television host Bear Grylls used a serrated, fixed-blade knife yesterday to cut open his mattress and climb inside in order to keep warm during quarantine, concerned sources reported.

“The sun has nearly gone down. And with no shelter and the brutal conditions of my private island, it’s only a matter of time before the climate-controlled master bedroom becomes a dangerous place,” said the 45-year-old adventurer to no one in particular from his Welsh mansion. “In life or death situations, you have to do whatever it takes to stay alive — even if it requires sleeping inside the mangled corpse of a Serta, Casper, or even a bean bag chair.”

Grylls’ children were quarantined with him in their family home, but locked themselves in the attic as their father lost his grip on reality.

“I was in my bedroom watching TV when he came in wearing several layers of clothing and insisting we eat him if he dies of hypothermia. So I adjusted the thermostat and told him to relax,” said eldest son Richard. “Later, I caught him squeezing the water from a dish sponge into his canteen, and then he flipped out and started chasing me up the stairs. His eyes looked like a wounded animal.”

Grylls was eventually rushed to a nearby hospital and subdued by a team of psychiatrists.

“This delusional episode stems directly from the prolonged effects of quarantine. You’d think Bear would be better equipped to handle isolation based on his show, but despite his reputation as a survivalist, he’s just as fake as everyone else on TV,” said Dr. Georgia Rodriguez. “Coincidentally, Grylls isn’t the only TV host to suffer such a breakdown: Chance the Rapper was admitted to my care after spending 48 hours straight trying to ‘punk’ his house plant. And Andrew Zimmern got lead poisoning from tasting old paint.”

“I’m hoping Guy Fieri suffers a dramatic mental episode next,” she added. “I’d sure love to meet him.”

At press time, Grylls was screaming ‘I’m not a phony” with a mouth full of piss.

Serial Killer Sickened By Overmedicated Teens’ Lack of Sex Drive

Posted on December 7, 2020 by Lauren Lavín

SOUTHBURY, Conn. — Local urban legend The Southbury Slasher could not complete his annual killing spree last week when his chosen victims couldn’t have sex due to overmedication in treating their anxiety and depression, according to shaken sources.

“I staked out that shack for months, but the most action I ever saw was one kid crumpling up and tossing out several unfinished to-do lists and making a new one on a whiteboard,” the frustrated would-be killer stated. “These are lower-middle class kids with not much going for them except trying to get laid and experiment with drugs. Seeing as they couldn’t even engage in that foul, debasing act, I couldn’t end them. Maybe if we had universal healthcare and an approach to wellbeing not rooted in profit, they could relax a little and have a great time plowing each other until I decapitate whichever one’s on top.”

One subject of the killer’s months-long stalking, local teen Charlie Olatunji, recalled a particularly uneventful run in with the slasher.

“Me and Kelly [Ruiz] were at this abandoned farmhouse, and I could tell they wanted to bone, but I recently started new antidepressants and wasn’t feeling it,” explained Olatunji. “So we just ended up making out a lot instead. Then I saw a figure outside the window, holding a huge butcher knife. Kelly screamed, the butcher knife fell and the figure kind of sagged… I heard him sigh before he disappeared into the night, and we got back to watching skincare routines on YouTube.”

Dr. Lucas Harrington, a child psychologist who specializes in treating future serial killers, said that although the Slasher was a “menace who must be stopped at any cost,” he raised good points nevertheless.

“I’ve been in this terrible line of work for decades. I’ve seen things that still keep me up at night,” said Dr. Harrington. “But let me say that throwing pills at children is never the answer. Hyper-fixating on their evil tendencies and devoting your life to hunting them down after your treatment has failed them, and every one of their victims by proxy, is a proven method of psychiatric care. It’s the only thing I’ve ever tried. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this Slasher is one of my former patients.”

A tape recording later nailed to our door alongside a human ear revealed a distorted voice of someone claiming to be The Southbury Slasher explaining he was “completely sickened by how this country devalues the health of its godless disgusting sheep. I mean, people.”

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