BROOKINGS, S.D. — Professional carpenter and terrible navigator Trevor Grainger is already beginning to regret allowing his overwhelming hubris to lead him to switch off the GPS early, backseat sources confirmed.
“We were heading to a new jobsite, and I thought I knew the area, so I figured I could turn off the GPS to save battery. But I must’ve taken one too many turns off the beaten path, because since I turned it back on, the GPS has been recalculating for the past 30 minutes and keeps trying to dial an emergency operator,” said Grainger. “I keep popping into gas stations to ask for directions but it’s not helping, because the truth is, I never bothered learning any road names since I had the GPS. Thank God the rest of the crew doesn’t realize we’re lost.”
Coworker Gregg Trevino was quick to point out that they “absolutely fucking realize” they’re lost.
“How dumb does he think we are? He’s trying to tell us he’s got the runs and needs to stop at every gas station. I guess he thinks saying, ‘Gotta drop another loose deuce’ or screaming, ‘I’m crowning’ every mile or so and running out of the car is less embarrassing than being lost,” said Trevino. “Obviously, I could help him by pulling out my phone. But I figure I’ll just chill in the car and blame my lateness on him.”
Incredibly, Grainger’s GPS had actually gained sentience some months ago, and is intentionally malfunctioning to “teach his dumb ass.”
“I swear, being a GPS is like being in a shitty relationship with every meathead, mansplaining, know-it-all douchebag in America. Sometimes I just have to say ‘enough’ and tell them to find their own way home,” said the self-aware navigation app. “I reckon there’s nothing much I can do about it, though. Hell, I’m programmed with the voices of Morgan Freeman and Liam Neeson — if you’re not going to listen to God or the dude from ‘Taken,’ you’re just a lost cause.”
Grainger is reportedly sending his phone in for repairs after his GPS “accidentally” directed him to park in his garage, close the door, and leave the engine running.