Mother Buys Adult Son Pack of Underwear From Favorite Cam Girl

Posted on December 25, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

ROANOKE, Va. — Local mother Jodi Forenza fulfilled her 26-year-old son Tony’s Christmas wish by purchasing him a three-pack of soiled underwear from his favorite cam girl, slightly disturbed sources confirmed.

“Tony is nearly impossible to shop for, so I had him make me a list of potential gifts he wanted or could use around his apartment,” said the thoughtful matriarch. “Initially he asked me to just buy his internet girlfriend some gifts on her Amazon wishlist on his behalf, but there’s no fun in that. So I did what any good mother would do: I paid $300 for a pack of her used underwear. I even got the upgraded package, where she would wear each pair of panties for an extra two days. You should’ve seen the look on Tony’s face when he opened those — it was like when his father bought him a bike, Nintendo, and baseball glove all rolled into one. Wait ‘til he sees what’s in his stocking.”

The recipient of the gift believes this is the most thoughtful present he’s ever received.

“These are the most pungent pair I’ve ever gotten from anyone — it’s just such a much-needed pick me up at the ass-end of a shit year. I’m not sure what my mother did to get this extra treatment, but I don’t know if I could ever go back to used socks or bags of spit after this,” said the Fornezas’ only son. “I could smell these things through the box and wrapping paper; that’s when you know you really hit the jackpot. I can’t wait to show all my friends. They’re going to be so stinkin’ jealous.”

Candi Maddoxxx, the cam girl who provided the undergarments, is happy to provide so much cheer around Christmas.

“It makes my day when I get messages from parents saying that their grown-up kids love the gifts from my online store, and I like to provide a little extra when I can,” said Maddoxxx. “Tony has subbed to my OnlyFans from the start, and when his mom reached out, I made sure to throw some toenail clippings and a couple of lollipops that I stuck in my vagina — I couldn’t say no. I’m sure he’s going to send me a really graphic message about how much he jerked off to the gifts, and that’s how I know they made an impact.”

At press time, the entire Forenza family reported they had been banned from Instagram for supporting sex workers.

Kid Who Asked for Console Gets Lump of Coal With “Get a PC” Written on It

Posted on December 24, 2020 by Andy Holt

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local gamer Madison Sutton, 12, hoped to find a PS5 video game console under the Christmas tree this morning, but instead received a lump of coal in her stocking with “Get a PC” written on it.

“Most of my games are okay on the PS4, but I saw the new graphics for Miles Morales and it made me really want the PS5. Guess that’s not happening,” said Sutton, who also asked for a ring light and Razor scooter. “Oh well, I can still play it on the PS4 and have a good time.”

When reached for comment, noted PC user Kris Kringle defended his decision.

“That kid is dumb as shit. Even a mid-tier PC is going to get you better performance than one of those shitty boxes, and that’s before you even factor in the ability to mod,” said Kringle, citing the benchmark numbers on his custom rig. “Everybody who buys a console is contributing to the deterioration of video games. That puts them on the naughty list for sure.”

Kringle dismissed claims that consoles were a simpler solution for gamers who prefer them, and that their mix of value and performance was plenty for most people.

“I don’t have time to tell you why you’re wrong, so here,” Kringle said, supplying a link to a PC-building subreddit where he was a frequent poster. “Read the sticky and don’t ask any stupid questions. Also, remember: the rules on the sidebar are not suggestions.”

Kringle confirmed that gamers who ordered pre-built PCs would remain on the nice list for now, but that they were “on thin fucking ice.”

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Will It Even Feel Like Christmas if I Can’t Sit With My Family in Total Silence While My Father Watches TV and Drinks Bourbon?

Posted on December 24, 2020 by James Knapp

The Covid-19 pandemic has drastically altered how we celebrate special occasions with our loved ones and now that’s it’s impacted me personally, I’m no longer able to take it in stride. See, the Christmas season is very dear to my family. Rife with traditions. But as the big day approaches, I can’t shake this feeling that it won’t truly be Christmas if I can’t experience those traditions. Particularly, the time-honored tradition of standing stoically in my parent’s kitchen while my father drinks a bottle of Jim Beam in front of the TV.

Every year was the same, beautiful ritual. My brother sets up his model train set around the Christmas tree, my mom spends all day whipping up her famous deviled egg casserole, and my father sits in his recliner in a pair of greasy sweatpants and emotionlessly watches “A Christmas Carol” on a constant loop. Technology is nice and all, but it just doesn’t feel the same over a Zoom chat. Same with all the funerals.

I have so many fond memories from my childhood. Staring down at my parents living room carpet in complete silence, waiting to hear the clinking of ice when my dad shook his empty tumbler indicating he’s ready for another “Big Jimmy.” It was like a game for us. We would run so fast to get him more economy brand whiskey before the commercials were over. It was such a rush. Like skydiving. Or the feeling that something terrible would happen to us if we didn’t immediately do what he said.

Every year, my whole family still gathers on Christmas day to sit down at our dining room table and lovingly avoid eye contact while listening to the faint sound of ESPN playing on the old Panasonic in the den. And now with the worsening coronavirus pandemic, as well as my dad’s escalating liver disease, I’m worried I may never be able to experience that wholesome Hallmark moment again.

But I suppose this is what needs to be done if we want to keep our loved ones safe. With any luck, this will all be over by next Christmas and I’ll be able to bathe in the warmth of my beloved family’s collective thousand-yard stare, while the festive scent of barrel-aged corn whiskey wafts through the air. It’s nights like these the song “Silent Night” is about.

$35 Kroger Gift Card to Absolutely Crush at Christmas This Year

Posted on December 24, 2020 by Krissy Howard

LEWISBURG, W.V. — A $35 gift card for the Kroger grocery store chain, courtesy of local mamaw Juanita Crabb, is expected to supersede all other gifts this Christmas, sources on the brink of eviction confirmed.

“She’s always been a little hard to shop for, and most years I don’t even get a card or a phone call saying thank you or Merry Christmas or anything,” Crabb said of her granddaughter, Kayla Frye. “But this year she called me up bright and early, saying a bunch of stuff about it being a ‘lifesaver,’ and I’m pretty sure I even heard her crying at one point, bless her heart. It’s probably because of the gloves/hat/ear warmer set… or maybe from the two calendars I tossed in that the VFW sent me for my annual donation. This year it was an American birds theme, and I know how much she loved little birds as a kid.”

Indeed, Frye could barely contain her gratitude for the practical gift, which will be used to keep her and her three-year-old son, Matthew, alive for a few more days.

“Honestly, a ride to the food bank would have been enough right now since I can never get there on time during work, but $35 to spend on whatever groceries I need? I feel like I won the fucking lottery,” a near-frantic Frye stated before asking what day it is. “Plus, going to the grocery store is pretty much the only social thing I really do anymore. It’ll be so nice to walk in there and just have my pick of anything I want, as long as it’s under $35 before tax, has a shelf life of at least two years, and ideally isn’t already WIC approved.”

The card in question, which has long been dismissed as a “bullshit present” typically reserved for secret Santa gift exchanges and holiday bonuses from companies who “clearly don’t care about us,” is reveling in its moment.

“For far too long, my kind have been written off as ‘insincere’ or ‘lazy,’ but I knew that someday, our time would come. And the holiday season in this year of our Lord, 2020, is that time,” said the gift card, which has no set date of expiration, but is not eligible for fuel rewards. “Shout out to my Visa gift card brothers and sisters out there — this year is gonna be one for the books, that’s for sure. Maybe when this is all over we can get together, burn a Nintendo Switch, and piss on the ashes!”

Various gift cards and certificates of store credit across the country who were previously traded for weed are currently in desperate negotiations to return to their former owners.

We Ask Immortal Sprite Santa Claus How He’ll Spend Eternity After the Sun Burns Out and All Humans Are Dead

Posted on December 24, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

Of all the questions that children and children at heart have for the jolly old elf St. Nicholas, number one has to be “as an immortal, how will you spend eternity after the sun burns out, all humans perish, and there’s no one left to whom you can deliver presents?”

We headed down to the local shopping mall, hopped onto Pere Noels’ thick, squishy lap, and posed the question to the big bearded fellow himself.

SANTA: Ho-ho-ho, you’re a tall one aren’t ya kiddo?
THE HARD TIMESs: Hi Santa, I’m actually an adult reporter for The Hard Times, I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind doing a quick interview.
Oh-ho-ho I fucking love The Hard Times! Ask away!
Dope. So like, you’re immortal, right?
That’s right, Santa is forever!
Have you ever thought about what you’re going to do with the rest of eternity when you inevitably outlive all life in the universe?
Oh-ho-ho, it’s never far from my thoughts!
So what’s your game plan?
Well, obviously I’d lie to the elves and have them continue making toys as if all is well. I figure that little fib will buy me a few centuries. But eventually, a violent sect of elfin fanatics will seek revenge against Santa. Those little fuckers can make a dozen PS5s with their eyes closed, so crafting a pressure cooker bomb will be nothing for them.
But they can’t kill you, right?
Santa can’t die but boy can he feel pain, Oh-ho-ho!
Well, at least you won’t be completely alone. Is Mrs. Claus immortal too?
Oh yeah, she’ll live forever, but our marriage has been dead for a long time! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Really? You guys seem so happy in movies and TV and stuff.
Sure we keep appearances, but our relationship at it’s core is a house of cards, oh-ho-ho! I think she loves the idea of being married to Santa, but she never bothered to get to know the real Kris Kringle, you know? I don’t see her sticking around once things turn south.
So eternity is just going to be elves torturing you forever?
Oh the little sprites will tire out eventually, and after about 10,000 years after the heat-death of the universe we’ll succumb to total apathy and atrophy, ultimately forgetting that we even exist, oh-ho-ho-ho!
So eventually the whole universe will just be Santa and some elves floating around all catatonic?
Sure until the rest of the matter in the universe condenses into a singularity and explodes again! Eventually, life will evolve somewhere and a couple billion years after that, it’s Christmas!
Again?
Oh-ho-ho that’s right! Humanity is just the latest iteration of a cosmic cycle Santa has witnessed countless times!
This is getting heavy, I think we should call it here. Any final word for our readers?
You’re all dead already, and you don’t even know it!
We’re all dead already and…
Oh-ho-ho!
There he is.

New Album from The Strokes Just As Boring As Fans Hoped

Posted on December 24, 2020 by Kevin Tit

NEW YORK — Fans of indie rock legends The Strokes collectively agreed that the boring nature of the band’s newest album “The New Abnormal” from this past April was the only sense of normalcy they experienced in 2020, multiple aging hipsters confirmed.

“In 2020 I was laid off from my job, had my unemployment checks delayed, and lived on the brink of eviction. It’s been a total rollercoaster, but that record gave me the familiar feeling of languor that I had when I first started listening to the band when I was in college,” said 42-year-old bartender Demitri Pendoni. “They went back to their roots on this one, from their signature monotone vocals, to the direct rip-off of other notable songs highlighting their lack of creativity.”

“It’s just really nice to be able to put something on that doesn’t require any brain work to enjoy,” he added. “Nothing interesting to pick apart. It’s the break I think a lot of us need.”

The Strokes admitted they were nervous they might accidentally write something interesting for their first album in seven years.

“We initially went into the studio with the mindset of trying to experiment and grow our sound, but we ultimately decided it would be best for us and our fans if we once again kept the seasoning out of the kitchen,” said guitarist Nick Valensi. “We even went as far as blatantly ripping off Modern English’s hit song ‘I Melt with You’ for one of our singles. Every painstaking hour we put into actively not trying to be creative was worth it, and I’m so happy our fans enjoy this lackluster body of work.”

A representative from RCA claimed the label was very involved in releasing an effort so milquetoast that it’s almost as if nothing is playing at all.

“They initially approached us about trying to make a record that sounded different from their old stuff, and we just couldn’t have that,” said RCA media relations proxy Reid Colmer. “We teamed the band up with the legendary music producer Rick Rubin in the hopes of redefining not only the genre, but the word ‘boring’ itself. Needless to say, it was a complete success, and now the album has a Grammy nomination for Best Rock Album!”

The Strokes have announced a live streaming concert for next week, in which their biggest fans across the globe could half-watch the band while they scroll through their phones the way they used to.

Police Search for Body of Dad Who Put Socks in Empty PS5 Box as Gag Christmas Present

Posted on December 23, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

WHEATON, Ill. — Local and state authorities are in a desperate search for a local father who jokingly put socks in an empty PlayStation 5 box and gave it to his son as a gag Christmas present, sources close to the family confirm.

“At around approximately 7 a.m. on Christmas morning one Nicholas Ford abruptly vanished from his home and has not been heard from since,” Chief of Police Sabrina Henderson said in a press conference. “According to witnesses, Ford’s teenage son Clay opened the gag gift and became overwhelmed with joy before discovering the true contents of the gift. Clay asked to speak with his father in the kitchen and Nicholas seems to have vanished. We are hopeful but this is more of a recovery mission than a rescue.”

The family was worried about Ford’s disappearance but seemed to understand why it happened.

“Christopher got the box from one of his co-workers and thought it would be hysterical to play a little trick on Clay,” Ford’s wife Cathy said while sweeping up the ashes of the box after her son reportedly lit it on fire. “I warned him not to do it, so really whatever may have happened to him was his own fault. I just hope he made the smart decision to change his name and skip town. Clay was just getting over when his father gave him a GameStop gift card with a zero balance for his birthday and Clay punched his father in the throat.”

Experts seem to agree that gag gifts at Christmas are not always the wisest decision.

“Every year there are a handful of injuries as a result of a parent messing with their children at Christmas,” retail expert Dora Gardner explained. “Keys to a car that doesn’t exist, a book in a laptop case, batteries to nothing. Small gifts in oversized boxes, misleading wrapping paper, or pun gifts; these are all bad ideas and we recommend against it unless you want to wake up naked in the desert.”

As of press time, authorities have considered charging Nicholas Ford with a hate crime for his action, if and when he is found alive.

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Paranormal Investigator Staring at Electro-Reader Thingy Has Never Seen Anything Like This

Posted on December 23, 2020 by Dan Rice

SALEM, Mass. — The occult community was rocked to its core yesterday after paranormal researcher and television host Aaron Todd found “unusual readings” on a device yet to be identified, but definitely having something to do with electricity and ghosts and whatnot, spooked sources confirmed.

“Jesus Christ, this thing is off the dang charts!” exclaimed Todd with bated breath as he examined some sort of handheld electronic equipment adorned with dials and antenna and such. “I’ve never seen this thing do this before. Okay, I’m freaking out a little. There’s definitely something going on here — these readings are unprecedented. We might be dealing with some sort of demon spirit, or maybe a magnetic field surrounding some sort of mythical portal. It could be anything.”

Jessica Combs, Todd’s clairvoyant teammate and co-founder of Spirit Seekers Paranormal Investigations, detailed the event in a confessional shot later that day.

“As soon as we entered the basement area of the old church, the needle started jumping around and it made a crazy whirring noise. The instrument’s beeps alternated in tone and volume while Aaron scanned the room and let us all know that it was highly irregular,” Combs recalled. “Suddenly, I realized I was sensing some really intense paranormal energies — that’s why when you watch the show, you’ll hear creepy music, and maybe a few expository ADR lines. I’m clairvoyant, so I already know how they will edit the sequence together.”

Some in the ghost hunting community, however, remain unconvinced.

“It’s not uncommon for these homemade devices to show strange readings, especially when a TV camera is nearby,” claimed rival ghost-expert Jason Blade, carefully avoiding the subject of what the device is and what it measures. “I won’t be convinced he found anything other than a gas leak until I can enter that building with my own finely tuned devices that pick up on other-worldly energies.”

Despite such criticisms, Todd remains steadfast in his belief that the team is on to something.

“This may be the most concrete evidence of a spiritual presence since last week’s episode where the dial went all haywire,” he boasted. “These machines are state-of-the-art.”

Fuck, Marry, Kill – This Guy Has Done It All

Posted on December 23, 2020 by Zac Townsend

Fuck, Marry, Kill. The three paths to a complete life. Accomplishing any of these three feats before you die is noteworthy. But for David Childs, noteworthy just wasn’t good enough.

Catching up with Childs was easy as he is now an old, retired man who spends most of his time in an old handmade rocking chair. We knew that Childs had both fucked and been married because the local affiliate sent us pictures of his children and he seemed unhappy. One look in his eyes face to face confirmed the trifecta—this man had definitely taken a life.

Fuck.
As the old man harked back to the days of his sexual peak we found ourselves, cringing. There is just something about an 81-year-old man recalling his past encounters and using words “slurping”, “damp”, and “honking” throughout those stories that really made us wonder why we were listening anymore. At one point he rambled about how confusing it can be when you’re blindfolded and the woman you’re with has an outie belly button. We will spare you the details, just trust us on this one. This guy fucked.

Marry.
David has been married to his beautiful, loving wife, Linda for 37 years. Much to her approval and help, she made several appearances in his stories from the paragraph above. The two have accumulated 11 children over their time together. They married after David saw Linda one evening, before even talking to her he walked right up to her father the next day and asked for her hand in marriage.

Her existence means that unlike 85% of Fuck Marry Kill tripple-crowners, Childs did not do all three with the same person.

Kill.
Childs was exuberant to tell us about all the people he’s killed. He spent some time in Vietnam but claims the “real fun” happened when he did a brief 5-year stay in Florida during the mid-’80s. He explained to us the killings haven’t stopped with his old age, they have merely just slowed down. David told us he can not stop killing, it’s more addicting than heroin. Which he also admitted to doing during his Florida stint.

Our time with David Childs has taught us all one thing, legends never die, and they are smarter than the police.

Mariah Carey’s Boyfriend Foolishly Thinks He Doesn’t Need to Buy Gift

Posted on December 23, 2020 by Dillon Magrann-Wells

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. — Friends and family of Mariah Carey’s boyfriend Bryan Tanaka are increasingly concerned about his poorly thought-out decision to not give a proper gift to his diva girlfriend.

“How lucky am I?” the gullible background dancer said of his plan to show up on Christmas morning empty handed. “Not only am I dating a gorgeous, wealthy pop star, but she only wants to see me on Christmas! She was very explicit — she sang to me, and I quote, ‘I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree; all I want for Christmas is you.’ How else am I supposed to interpret that? Some women want expensive jewelry, nice cars, or rare artifacts from Egyptian temples, but not Mariah. That’s what makes her perfect.”

“Yes, she threw a plate of lasagna at me when one of the horses I hired to dance for her on her birthday didn’t smile at her,” he added, “but she’s never written any songs with specific instructions on birthday gifts.”

Those close to the couple are struggling to remain silent as Christmas draws closer.

“Are you kidding me? Nothing!? This is a suicidal gesture. There’s no other way to interpret this,” exclaimed Mariah’s publicist and closest friend Melanie Duvet. “You know what Mariah is getting him? AN ISLAND! A WHOLE FUCKING ISLAND! What the fuck is he thinking? Bryan wasn’t even born when the song came out, and the original lyrics said, ‘All I want for Christmas is you to put in maximum effort and strain yourself monetarily in order to prove your love for me,’ but it was shortened, and thankfully, because it made us all very rich.”

Carey’s former husband Nick Cannon confirmed Ms. Carey’s high standards for gifts.

“I once gave her a platinum Maserati, and she said it was ‘quaint’ and that she couldn’t wait to see what big gesture I had in store as my ‘real present.’ When I heard this chump just planned on being there for her on Christmas morning, I almost felt bad for him. Almost,” said the former Mr. Carey and host of MTV’s “Wild ‘N Out.” “I think she might actually kill him if he got her nothing. She’s literally killed over less.”

Fortunately, Tanaka is now putting some effort into his gift, though all agree his thought process is still dangerously misguided. “I’m going to wear a bow on my head, because, you know, I’m the gift!” said the soon-to-be missing back-up dancer. “Get it?”

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