Door to Entry-Level Job Barred From Other Side

Posted on December 22, 2020 by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Local graphic designer Max Norman attempted to access an entry-level job this week, only to find that it was barred from the other side, and therefore inaccessible.

“I loaded up the job site and saw this position listed right in front of me, pretty much begging me to apply. But then I clicked it, and it turned out it was impossible to get in there,” said Norman, who had taken several courses in Photoshop but lacked work experience. “I threw everything I had at the thing—resume, cover letter, lots of samples—but it wouldn’t budge.”

Eventually, Norman realized he would need to find another way to access the job.

“I think I probably have to go around,” he said, changing the search from ‘entry-level’ to ‘unpaid’ and taking a deep breath. “I can already tell this is gonna be a grind.”

Managers at the company defended their hiring practices, claiming it was the best way for applicants to improve themselves.

“We can’t just let a newbie into an entry-level job. We need to make them jump through some hoops first, maybe fail a few times, take some damage to their health, before we give them even the slightest amount of compensation for it,” said senior marketing analyst Ted Reese. “Then we give them a tiny reward, and they do it all again, hoping we’ll eventually give them more.”

At press time, Norman had been rejected from a few internships, and was considering shelling out some money to boost his stats in grad school.

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2020’s Best Songs if We Weren’t 30 and Stopped Paying Attention To New Music

Posted on December 22, 2020 by Rob Steinberg

2020 has been one hell of a year for music. We heard, at least. We’ll be honest. After turning 30 this year we straight up fell off following new music, like our older sister and our other older sister before her. We heard it’s great though. Music in 2020, that is. Not the slow, creeping death that is the aging process. That sucks.

Of all the songs we heard (about) in 2020, here are the ones we think might’ve been the best:

“Steps” by HAIM – Okay, well we definitely know HAIM. They’re the sisters who are always cast in music mockumentaries. They’re hilarious! It’s sick they’re making music now. We heard this song was really good according to the lists we looked up to write this. We’ll definitely check it out soon.

“Dragonball Durag” by Thundercat – Hey, we recognize this guy! We once saw him playing bass for Suicidal Tendencies. He was great. We will definitely check this out when we’re home from work. No, really. We’re setting a reminder on our phone right now.

“Juice” by Lizzo – Our neighbors played this a lot through the walls. The mix is kind of muddy. Solid bass line.

“The Other Side” by Trolls 2: World Tour Soundtrack – A lot of us have kids now and we’ve had to endure the soundtrack to this movie nonstop. The kids keep asking us to play this song so it must be considered good by today’s youth.

“WAP (Wet Ass Pussy)” by Ben Shapiro – His politics may be awful but either way you shake it, WAP was a big hit. The lyrics are great but we feel he needs more flair in his voice. Are whiny vocals the new rap thing? We know mumble rap is a thing but don’t really know what that is either.

“Cactused” by Wire – Wire made a new album? Sweet!

“Murder Most Foul” by Bob Dylan – Who can forget Bob Dylan’s epic 17-minute song about JFK? Admittingly, we haven’t heard it yet but Bob Dylan is a talented guy. We mostly just know this came out because it was released while Last Podcast On The Left was in the middle of a deep dive on JFK assassination theories. Good to see those LPOTL boys inspired a legend like that.

“The World Is What You Make It” by Jimmy Buffet – Normally we listen to the harder stuff but after turning 30 last week, we’ve mellowed out. J Buff’s cool island vibes are growing on us. Besides, our kids love “Cheeseburger in Paradise.” We always play it in the drive-thru at McDonald’s and sing it as a family. Oh shit, are we lame?

“Losing My Religion” by R.E.M. on repeat- Look, we’ve been going through a lot. We’ve barely seen our friends, bills are stacking, people are getting sick, meanwhile nothing in the future of America looks promising. Maybe we just wanna regress and listen to songs that made us feel something in High School. Is that so much to ask?

Legendary Emo Band Breaks Up After One Week

Posted on December 22, 2020 by Clara Endres

PHILADELPHIA — Highly influential emo band Crowquill reportedly split today after producing just 30 minutes of recorded music and playing two live shows over the course of one week.

“The energy during writing and practice sessions was enormous,” said former bassist Patricia Connolly. “It was even kind of contagious — my mom cried when I played the demo for her, although come to think of it, that might have been out of disappointment. After a few days in the band, though, I had to bail. Jamie’s our singer, but their passion was honestly overbearing. They’d have no problem filling my spot if they continued — there was a lot of excitement around the first demo and our two shows, so everybody with a four-string and some form of mental illness in Philly will be vying to take my place.”

Scene contemporaries Waking to Winter opined on Crowquill’s potential legacy, and what sharing a stage with the venerated outfit was like.

“I’m crushed Crowquill split,” bemoaned Waking to Winter guitarist Davonte Williams. “Opening for their second and final show on Tuesday was a huge honor, though — I’ve already seen some newer bands ripping off their stage presence and their trademark off-key vocals, but none of them have really nailed the despondency. They all always seemed hopeless onstage and off — they really lived the life, and I respect that.”

Bartender Kit Green at Gratuitous Lunch, the venue that hosted both of Crowquill’s shows, believes the short-lived band will have a lasting legacy.

“I’ve seen so many bands like Crowquill come and go, but this band had a certain allure. A lot of their fans post the photos of the gas station they use on the cover of their only EP,” said Green. “And people from all over the country come to the coffee shop their drummer manages just to get a glimpse of him. But I don’t know if they were cut out for the internet age. I mean, a lot of 90s emo bands only lasted like, two years, let alone less than two weeks. It was only a matter of time before message boards and then social media sped up the hype machine on them. Frankly, I’m surprised they lasted through a full weekend.”

The band is reportedly already negotiating a reunion tour, set to take place in 2040.

Want more legit emo in your life? Go check out washedupemo.com, listen to the podcast, and buy the book. It makes the perfect gift.

Top 5 Projects in 2020 You Wish You Had Finished Even Though You Had Literally Had All the Time in the Fucking World

Posted on December 22, 2020 by Nariko Ott

We’ve all been there. Feeling stuck at your job; maybe staring at your dumbass kid. Dreaming of the day when you’d finally have the time—with no distractions!—to finally finish all those things you’ve been putting off until “tomorrow.” Well, the moment you’ve been wishing for, albeit with a horrible monkey’s paw ironic twist, has already come and mostly went.

Since you decided to fall into new depraved levels of sloth, we figured we’d help you countdown the top 5 ways you’ve failed yourself.

Working out
For sale: protein powder, never opened. Remember this one, spaghetti arms? You should, because this one has been on your list since you were 13, but there was “never enough time.” Well, congratulations, now that Peloton is just a $2,000 cat tree.

Yes, sure, you couldn’t go to the gym because of the global pandemic but you could have done push-ups during the load screens on Skyrim. You could have walked to the bathroom instead of peeing into empty Doritos bags and laying them around your room, something! Now the sands of time have slipped through your skinny fingers like so much undrunk creatine.

Cleaning your house
Time to face facts, you’re gonna die in here. They will find your mummified corpse underneath a strata of old pizza boxes, flattened beer cans, and strangely stiff rare band t-shirts. You always had plans to make your place look so cute it would make Pinterest shit its pants. Now here you are, months and months later, and the only thing that shit its pants was you. Weeks ago.

And they’re right over there. On the floor. You can see them.

Art
Leonardo da Vinci once said, “Art is never finished, only abandoned” and boy, did you abandon it. You left it on the doorstep before it was born. Sure, you bought spray paint, you bought duct tape, you stole a banana, you got all the essentials but you never got around to pouring your soul into them, bleeding your heart onto the canvas so everyone who stepped into your apartment would know that you really, truly, “LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.”

Yourself
Wow, this did not go well. I mean, you had plans. You were going to read more, try yoga, maybe meditate, but the only thing you meditated on was rewatching every episode of Golden Girls. And unfortunately, much like Sophia, you proved to be adorably sassy and difficult when it comes to change. Next pandemic maybe aim small and just try to shower every other day?

Watch porn
Okay, credit where credits due, this one you knocked out of the park.

Forlorn Man Sends $18.50 to Ticketmaster Just to Feel Something Again

Posted on December 22, 2020 by Alex Falcone

RENO, Nev. — Local man Josh Stegman reportedly now prefers the worst part of the concert experience to no experience at all, sending Ticketmaster $18.50 yesterday just to feel connected to live events again after spending 10 months at home.

“None of it goes to artists anyway, so I figured I could skip everybody but the middleman,” said Stegman while using the confusing Ticketmaster App that sells his data without his consent to multiple third party aggregators. “The random fees used to send me into a rage, but I’m strangely nostalgic for them now. After I pressed ‘send,’ I found myself whispering, ‘These fucking pirates’ under my breath, and I felt alive for the first time since March.”

Stegman’s girlfriend Dee Lobalso couldn’t figure out why he was so upset looking at his phone, but when he calmed down long enough to explain, she was supportive.

“He was furious at how wasteful it all seemed, and how the ticket price is basically a fucking lie… and for that one beautiful moment, everything felt like it was back to normal again,” Lobalso said. “I haven’t seen him this happy since he looked up the price of a flight and saw that it was another $30 to carry on a bag.”

TicketMaster chairman Jared Smith confirmed these hate-payments have become more popular since the COVID-19 pandemic began, and assured people that if anger was the feeling you’re looking for, he could provide it.

“We don’t need your money. Hell, I already own like, six boats. I might sink one just to have something to look at when I go snorkeling off the other, bigger boats,” said Smith while grilling a panda steak over a bonfire of $100 bills. “I can’t tell you exactly what we’ll do with the money, but I can personally guarantee it will go towards some absolutely vile shit, like poking holes in condom packages or opening up 1,000-piece puzzles, throwing away a single piece from the middle of the sky, and sealing them back up. That’s the TicketMaster guarantee.”

As the idea spread, TicketMaster created a new app called TicketMaster Rage, where people can pay them directly for absolutely nothing. They charge an additional $7.50 convenience fee to use the service.

COVID Surge Pushes Local Medical Center Over Maximum Capacity of Six

Posted on December 21, 2020 by Andy Holt

KANTO — Recent surges of coronavirus have taxed local medical centers, pushing one facility to the edge of overflow by filling all six slots at once.

“It’s shocking because we built this facility to handle the worst of the worst. We calculated the maximum number of incapacitated patients this town could possibly produce, which is obviously six,” said Nurse Joy, a longtime medical professional in Lavender Town. “When that seventh patient came in, we could hardly believe our eyes. These are truly end times.”

Medical staff across the region reported similar issues with capacity, many claiming it was the worst they’d ever seen.

“Once, about twenty years back, a small child came in with six patients at the same time, all of them completely unconscious, many of them burned, others mangled beyond recognition. We were barely able to save them. I figured that would be the worst day of my career,” said Nurse Joy from Cerulean City, looking over a waiting room with eight people in it. “Until today.”

Some patients have even traveled to nearby towns looking for treatment.

“When you have a family member who’s sick, you’d do anything to help them, even venture through a dark forest packed with killer insects and strangers trying to fight you,” said a resident of Viridian City, whose longtime companion was running a fever. “But hey, I did find a flute on the ground, so that’s cool, I guess.”

To slow the spread of the virus, residents have been asked to stay inside their houses, sitting in a chair or standing, or maybe pacing back and forth over and over.

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Scrooge Exposed To Covid After Visit From Ghost Of Christmas Future

Posted on December 21, 2020 by Kevin Tit

LONDON — Elderly miser Ebenezer Scrooge is recovering in his palatial estate today after being exposed to COVID-19 following a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Future, multiple holiday spirits confirmed.

“I really don’t know how this could have happened,” the ominous spirit of Christmas Yet-to-Come said through several coughing fits. “I must be one of those asymptomatic carriers, because I feel fine. Maybe I got it after I visited that cruel, greedy bastard Tom Hanks? Ugh. Now all the other ghosts are forcing me to self-isolate in purgatory for the next week and a half. Worst of all is the new mask mandates — there goes our rights in the afterlife. The real virus is all the freedoms we’re just willingly giving up.”

Although still likely contagious, Scrooge’s symptoms were more on the mild side.

“After some minor body aches, I feel fine,” a recovering Scrooge explained. “I’m not sure if those ghosts I saw were real or a symptom of my illness, but I woke up today feeling like a changed man — for once in my life, I feel overwhelmed with holiday cheer. I want to run outside and hug and kiss everyone I see on the street. I also sent my faithful clerk Bob Cratchit and his family a nice Turkey dinner that I helped stuff with my own two hands. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get ready for a Christmas party at my nephew’s house, which will be packed with revelers.”

While most throughout Victorian England celebrated Christmas, others were panicked by the sudden onslaught of this very contagious disease.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” admitted Dr. Edgar Hillthrow. “It seems as if people began just dropping dead all across London Town. It’s too early to say for sure what it is, but we suspect a possible second coming of the black plague, a new form of hysteria or, most likely, demons confined within the skull. We’ve begun a number of trial treatments for different patients, ranging from medical vibrators to surgically separating the chest cavity to relieve pressure.”

At press time, Scrooge was generously helping the Cratchit family make financial arrangements for Tiny Tim’s funeral.

Wiccan Insists There’s a War on Solstice

Posted on December 21, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

ALLSTON, Mass. — Local goth and recent convert to Wicca Willow Bates is insisting to anyone who will listen that there is a “war on Yule,” also known as Winter Solstice, and all those who celebrate it.

“Anti-Wiccan bigotry is everywhere, but it’s especially bad near Solstice. Just the other day I was at Starbucks, and they had the nerve to wish me ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of, ‘May the turning of the wheel this blessed Yule bring you peace.’ How insulting is that?” said Bates. “And my high school wouldn’t even let me perform a Pagan chant during the holiday concert, because somehow lighting a ceremonial fire on the auditorium stage is ‘dangerous’ — plus they didn’t want me smearing mud all over my naked body for some reason. But if you ask me, I think it’s just a plot to destroy my people’s beliefs.”

Cousin Ophelia Lawrence explained how Bates’ newfound faith has dampened the family’s holiday cheer.

“What’s most frustrating is, you can’t talk about anything Christmas related without Willow ranting about how it was stolen from the Pagans. Mistletoe, yule logs, Christmas trees… even if you try to stick to seemingly safe topics like favorite Christmas toys from childhood, she’ll come up with some bullshit about how Pagans had ‘rudimentary Furbies’ centuries ago before Christians stole the idea,” said Lawrence. “I try to be respectful and inclusive during the holiday season, but if I have to hear again how holly is not a symbol of Jesus but instead the Pagan ‘King of Winter,’ I’m going to shove a candy cane up her polytheistic, heathen ass.”

Still others, like Pagan warlock Eoin Reeves, believe the “war on Solstice” is blown out of proportion.

“If anything, Solstice has become far too commercialized in recent years. I mean, when did the holiday become all about posting blurry pics of the moon on Instagram and not about honoring the agricultural god, Saturn?” Reeves stated. “Plus, it feels like the crystal boutiques and feminist bookstores are putting out their yule altars right after Samhain each year, and I saw a ‘solstice meditation circle’ thing at a yoga studio on Groupon for like, $39 last year. [Bates] should just be happy she won’t be the ‘weird aunt at Thanksgiving’ when she’s older.”

Bates is hiding her beliefs from her grandmother, however, until she forks over her presents and a batch of her highly sought after Christmas cookies.

Help! ICE Just Took Baby Jesus From Our Nativity Scene

Posted on December 21, 2020 by Zac Townsend

This has to be some type of miscommunication. ICE just showed up at our front door. We allowed them in, of course, as we assumed they were here for the maid. We’ve been meaning to let her go anyway because of the financial strains on our bank account from foolishly betting against Jake Paul. We figured this whole ICE thing would be more dignified for all of us. But nope. They took freaking baby Jesus from our nativity scene! Help!

They do know baby Jesus is white, right? Is that not easily accessible information? It’s so obvious: fair skin, abs from just being skinny… Hell, he was born in Nazareth for Christ’s sake. Never been? It’s the Tulsa of Israel.

I don’t understand how ICE could rip baby Jesus away from his family like this. It’s really out of character for them.

There must have been some confusion on behalf of the U.S Immigration and Customs Enforcement, that’s all. That said, out of everyone they could have taken in our nativity scene, why go for my main man in the middle? There were angels, which are technically immigrants, and I’m pretty sure none of the three Wisemen would make it through a TSA checkpoint without some questions. Hell, there was even a camel. When’s the last time you saw a camel in America? We don’t make those here. Those are the Toyotas of the middle east.

I knew a lot of changes were going to happen with a new president and all. I just thought they would begin after January 20th. The real dilemma here is that it’s mere weeks before Christmas and now we have no baby in our nativity scene. I’ve searched everywhere for a stand-in baby. The black market is too expensive and renting a child is just bad financial sense in today’s market. Won’t someone help? Where is everyone’s Christmas spirit?

Trump Adds “No Fat Chicks” Addendum to COVID Relief Bill

Posted on December 21, 2020 by Steve Esparra

WASHINGTON — President Trump added a new addendum to the COVID-19 relief bill passed by Congress yesterday, prohibiting American women who he feels are “carrying too much junk in the trunk” from receiving federal funds.

“Huge win today! Proud to say taxpayer money will now take on the burden of battling obesity in this country,” tweeted the lame-duck President. “I love women, everyone knows I love women. But some of them, let’s be honest, maybe they need to lay off the ice cream when it’s that time of the month, if you catch my drift.”

“I’m trying to do them a favor — no relief money means less money for soda and candy,” Trump later clarified in another tweet. “I’ve never seen a fat poor person. Of course, I will never get a thank you from the slovenly, slob-like haters!”

Trump supporter Kelly Cramphold is skeptical of the initiative, wondering whether or not she qualifies for federal compensation.

“I’m a mother of two, so I could really use that money. I just haven’t been able to drop the baby weight… especially since gyms aren’t allowed to be open right now in my state,” said Cramphold. “Are they going off of BMI? Or is there a different way the government is going to judge who qualifies? I still support Trump, because he tells it like it is and he’s destroying the Democrats, but if I don’t get these benefits, I might lose my apartment.”

Rep. Nancy Pelosi admonished Trump for the addition to the bill, claiming that he himself isn’t in the best of shape to be making these types of judgment calls.

“The President thinks he can withhold federal funds from taxpaying Americans just because of their size. If he had to play by those rules, he’d have to pay about $1,000 a day just to stay in power. When President Trump sits around the Oval Office, he sits around the Oval Office, if you catch my drift,” said Pelosi. “Mark my words: will not let this hypocritical piece of body-shaming legislation go forward.”

Meanwhile, President-Elect Biden also came out in opposition of the bill.

“Listen, the fat ones always smell the best,” said Biden. “I am directly opposed to the President playing partisan politics with these jolly ladies’ lives. When I take office in January, cushion for the pushin’ will be something to be celebrated, not punished.”

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