Member of Opening Band Now Standing in Audience Like Some Common Peasant

Posted on by Cory Cousins

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Following Ramming Speed’s opening set last night at Uncle Ditty’s Harmony Lounge, the drummer for the band was seen wallowing beneath the stage with the rest of local rabble during the headlining band’s set, staff at the venue confirmed.

“I was making my way through the crowd and all of a sudden I noticed a guy who was a bit sweatier than everyone else and I realized it was the drummer for the opening band,” said show attendee Maya Navarro, who was one of the less than three dozen people at the venue. “I couldn’t believe it, he was just standing there like a completely normal guy. He wasn’t in some super special VIP area, he was just standing next to the bar like any other loser that bought a ticket to the show. It blew my mind, I even saw him use a drink ticket and then leave a pretty decent tip. Rockstars really are just like us.”

The drummer for Ramming Speed, Jax Vincent, was all too eager to comment on his descent from the stage to the floor following their opening set.

“I know it was but mere minutes ago when it was I who was being worshiped on that stage,” remembered Vincent wistfully and perhaps with a sense of grandeur. “I was perched on the summit of Olympus, dispensing musical food to satiate the hunger of the creatively-starved audience. Then I descended down to the PBR-stained floors of the venue with everyone else to experience the moment with the common folk. Everyone kept their distance from me though. They were probably just intimidated.”

Local scene veteran and self-described “show etiquette expert” Caspian Lockwood was able to shed some light on the presence of the opener in the audience.

“This is not the end of a shift at the town factory where you can just simply punch out when you’re done,” explained Lockwood. “To rise through the ranks to become a headliner, the openers have to put in the hours in the audience with the rest of the paying fans as support. Not only do you have to be present, you have to make sure that the headlining band sees you watching them, lest they think you’re a dick who decided to fuck off early.”

At the conclusion of the show, Vincent was witnessed standing by his band’s merch table twirling his drumsticks and approaching people with a Sharpie unsolicited, offering to sign autographs.

If “A Clockwork Orange” Is So Disturbing Why Am I Letting My Sister’s Kids Watch It?

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I wish my sister would stop complaining about my babysitting skills and start thanking me for exposing her kids to classic cinema that students pay thousands of dollars to study at bullshit schools like NYU. If “A Clockwork Orange” is so damn disturbing why the hell would I let my beloved niece and nephew watch it?

Helicopter parents like Diane and her beta husband Glen are the absolute worst. Instead of just appreciating their much needed date night, they prefer to say hurtful things to me like “Stop feeding our kids so much beef jerky,” “Don’t let them pet your snake,” and, “What would possess you to let them watch a movie that was banned in the UK for decades because it depicted graphic violence?!” God, shut up already.

Alex and his droogs made a CGI cameo in Space Jam 2, so it’s fine.

I dunno, maybe I don’t want their twins to turn out to be a couple of losers whose only film knowledge is Chip ‘N Dale Rescue Rangers. Perhaps I’d rather hang out with a couple of dope ass kids who aren’t too chicken shit to try something outside their comfort zone because I think they’re more mature than their parents give them credit for. It’s not like they’re fucking babies anymore, they’re almost seven. Time to let them grow up.

They act as if I’m forcing their kids to do crazy shit like helping me roll my blunts. I already tried that and despite their tiny fingers, which you’d think would be perfect for this particular task, they had no aptitude for it.

I guess it’s easy for my sister to ignore the fact that because of me and this movie, her children are huge fans of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, but I’m not gonna hold my breath for an apology. At the end of the day it’s really just about me spending quality time with my two special little droogies, who I better go check on since it shouldn’t take that long for two kids to turn on a propane BBQ.

Punks React: Trump Found Liable for Sexual Abuse and Defamation

Posted on by Bobby Korec

A New York jury found former President Donald Trump liable for sexually abusing and defaming writer E. Jean Carroll. As a result, Trump has been ordered to pay Carroll $5 million in compensatory and punitive damages. We took to the streets to see what punks thought about the verdict.

Greg Steven, Bartender

“I don’t think the verdict went far enough. The only form of punishment I accept is complete castration.”

Shane McGovern, Mechanic

“There was always something about Trump I didn’t like, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I guess it was his pattern of abusive behavior that he openly admitted to multiple times.”

Hanna Fendie, Tattoo Artist

“Finally, the Mueller Report worked.”

Freddie Danvers, Unemployed Libertarian

“I bet the liberal media is going to spin this to make Trump somehow look bad.”

Micah Jennings, Etsy Shop Owner

“I prefer Presidents who don’t sexually abuse people. One day I hope to get a president who doesn’t.”

April Truman, Office Assistant

“This is only going to make his base angrier and worse to be around at Thanksgiving. Something I didn’t think was possible.”

James Stedman, Applebee’s Server

“This makes me wonder how many other powerful rich white men are total shitheads.”

David Junie, Intern

“I’ve been saying this for a long time, we need to believe women. Unless it’s my ex-girlfriend, please don’t listen to anything she has to say.”

10 R.E.M. Songs to Have On While Shopping at Whole Foods

Posted on by Jonah Nink

No trip to Whole Foods is complete without a playlist filled with R.E.M. songs. Georgia’s jangle-pop troubadours have entertained the high-end grocer’s customer base of hippy accountants, animal lawyers, and music listicle writers for over forty years. While the band no longer tours, you can still get the full R.E.M. concert experience by listening to the following tracks on your next Whole Foods run.

“Begin The Begin”

Start your excursion to America’s favorite independent grocery store killer with an unusually hard-rocking track from the normally low-key group. Stipe and the boys kick off 1986’s “Life’s Rich Pageant” with the distorted guitar-driven track, which feels like a last-ditch attempt to remind people that Peter Buck can play guitar. The song’s vocals are a rallying cry for societal change, which is especially relevant as you prepare to buy $9 honey mustard.

“Radio Free Europe”

R.E.M.’s first big hit conjures the same naive youthful energy that led us to believe a chain of high-end grocery stores was a good idea. In a crazy coincidence, both Whole Foods and R.E.M. were both founded in 1980. Finally, two of Humanity’s age-old questions; “What if food were more expensive” and “What if The Smiths but less British.” Who knew that the answers to both would cost the human race its dignity?

“So. Central Rain”

This 1984 track is made up mostly of Michael Stipe yelling “I’m sorry” and screaming several times. Through some Nostradamus-level intuition, R.E.M. were able to write a song about how it feels to wander a Whole Foods for too long. Hope fades quickly with each passing second, followed closely by your sanity as your brain turns to mulch as you fruitlessly search for that keto ice cream brand that your sister likes.

“Man On The Moon”

Who else saw the ‘Jim and Andy” documentary on Netflix? What a fucking waste of 90 minutes. The people who enjoy watching Jim Carrey justify being mean to Grips are the same people who see the Whole Foods deli as a legitimate place to go out for lunch. If that nightmarish combination sounds like a great way to spend your mental health day, then you’ll like “Man On The Moon” because it’s the only good thing to come out of the movie it was written for.

“Orange Crush”

Whole Foods has a weird in-house brand of orange soda that it sells instead of Orange Crush. The design on the package insinuates that the soda is healthy in some way but like, it’s soda? What was the marketing team’s angle here? Healthy soda? Fuck out of here. Fucking scum. Anyway, R.E.M. has a song called “Orange Crush” you can listen to while buying the fake-ass Whole Foods orange soda.

“Maps And Legends”

It’s easy to get lost in Whole Foods, even without whippits. “Maps and Legends,” an underrated track off of 1985’s “Fables Of The Reconstruction,” is all about ill-fated expeditions through uncharted lands, making it perfect background noise for a desperate search for the Whole Foods bathroom. Is there even a bathroom in the store? Only paying customers get to find out. For a fun added challenge, bring your child to the store so you can immediately lose them because you needed a price check on guacamole.

“Losing My Religion”

Just like the old testament God, Whole Foods is an all-knowing, all-powerful entity with unclear motivations. Did you know that you can buy organic clothes at some locations? There are probably people in your neighborhood wearing Whole Foods-branded yoga pants and you are completely oblivious. One shudders to think what Whole Foods wants to accomplish by selling us clothes. As Stipe says himself, “Oh no, I’ve said too much!”

“E-Bow The Letter”

Thom Yorke is on this track, which deftly blends his and Stipe’s unique voices for genuinely great effect. Speaking of collaborations, did you know that Whole Foods is owned by Amazon? That’s right, every overpriced melon you buy from Whole Foods directly fills the bulging pockets of one Jeffery “Billion Dollar Bitch Baby” Bezos. Those eggs might be free-range, but the Amazon workers who packed them definitely aren’t motherfucker!

“Shiny Happy People”

Ever noticed that every Whole Foods looks like the fake town that North Korea puts up whenever a CNN reporter visits? Deceptively naturalistic colors, a manufactured sense of calm, and an ever-present oppressive vibe. “Shiny Happy People” carries a similar dystopian subtext, and there’s still some debate over whether the song is satire or not. It’s a thought to ponder as you pretend that you ‘totally don’t mind’ buying the Whole Foods brand knockoff Oreos instead of the real thing.

“It’s The End Of The World As We Know It”

Whole Foods is proof that the seventh seal has broken and the human race is doomed. There’s no justifying $10 strawberries, we are going straight to hell. But that doesn’t mean the apocalypse can’t be fun! R.E.M.’s end-of-the-world anthem encourages listeners to lighten up and enjoy humanity’s final days. Having a spoon and jar of chocolate Sunbutter close by is entirely optional.

Sound Guy Gives Thumbs up After Changing Nothing

Posted on by Cory Cousins

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Local sound guy Steve Underwood gave a firm thumbs up to band Corpulent Baby at the RagnaRock venue despite changing nothing on the board, sources who needed more guitar in the monitor confirmed.

“Yes yes, I saw the numerous irritating hand flaps from the band to adjust their music, if you want to call it that,” noted Underwood, veteran audio engineer and self-described “Kaiser of the Console.” “I set a perfect balance from the start. I don’t need a band of amateurs telling me how to do my job. I didn’t get hired for two weeks as a substitute mic stand tech for Winger in ‘89 because I’m some hayseed who fell off of the turnip truck! Plus, I’m pretty sure two-thirds of these knobs don’t even do anything anyway.”

People in the audience got mixed messages as they witnessed the band juggling multiple hand signals while also trying to perform their songs.

“Honestly, I couldn’t really tell what was going on up there,” admitted show attendee Lauren Hightower. “It started out as just a few motions from the vocalist, but quickly turned into a flurry of hand waves. I thought that maybe he was doing sign language for people who were hearing impaired. Also, what was up with the vocals? I could barely hear them.”

Corpulent Baby vocalist Axel Svendsen was furious at the sound guy’s unprofessionalism.

“For fuck’s sake, what does it take to get the vocals louder in the monitor?” asked an exasperated Svendsen. “It’s not like I was asking him to throw some auto-tune into the mix. All I could hear was bass drum and snare. I figured the ‘gesturing toward the mic then pointing upwards’ motion was pretty fucking clear. He just pretended to hit a bunch of buttons that weren’t there, gave me a big thumbs up, then went back to scrolling through pics of coaxial cables on his iPad.”

At press time, owners of the music venue revealed that they had a long conversation with Underwood about addressing the needs of the musicians performing, to which he responded with an immediate and reassuring thumbs up.

Wheelchair User Just Wants to Crowd Surf Once Without Inspirational Photo Being Taken of Him

Posted on by Amanda Russel

SEATTLE – Local punk and wheelchair user Brandon Spires expressed his desire to crowdsurf without it turning into a free for all of people taking photos and videos in hopes of turning it into a viral moment, fucking irritated sources report.

“Every fucking time I crowdsurf it feels like I’m being hounded by low level papparazzi,” Spires said. “I know it’s gonna get posted somewhere for clicks, because every time someone posts bullshit like this, it gets all the comments about what a beautiful moment it is, and how inspiring it is. Fucking whatever, I just puked down the front of my shirt right before this because I was getting fucked up drinking diesel gas in the parking lot. And if me covered in barf while a bunch of grown men try not to drop me is what inspires someone, that’s sad as hell. I don’t know why everyone is so horny for photos of me doing normal things. I should start an OnlyFans, but with my clothes on, just watching TV. Or going to get beer. I need a day rate, or an appearance fee.”

Fellow showgoer and photographer Amy Bunson is elated by the shot she captured on her iPhone 14 camera.

“When I saw him crowdsurfing I thought ‘this is a triumph of the human spirit.’ It was such an inspiring moment, what a beautiful life and amazing dude,” she said, with tears in her eyes. “I can’t imagine what he’s had to go through and how much it took to be here tonight. It’s pictures like this that remind me to appreciate what I have, because my life could be so much worse. I mean, not that his life is bad or anything. You know what I meant.”

Chester Jones, frontman of the headlining band Ignorant Squid that inspired the crowdsurf, feels blessed that he saw Spires lifted into the air during their set, due to recent events that left the band’s reputation tarnished (which Jones refused to elaborate on.)

“Fuck yea. We’re giving that dude a free t-shirt for being the fucking man. I tried to position myself in the back throwing up devil horns and cheering him on because we could really use some…different kinds of people in photos on our Instagram grid,” Jones laughed nervously. “Alright, fuck it, we need to look like good people since the uh, accusations. No one will think we’re shitbags anymore if we’re hanging out with a guy like that.”

Spires was unable to be reached for further comment or a photo, as he had gotten into a fight in front of the venue and puked on himself again.

Help! Boycotting Bud Light Has Made Me Question My Sexuality Even More

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I have been a loyal Bud Light drinker since the 8th grade and let me tell you, this loyal customer is NOT happy. I’m sick and tired of these companies turning their backs on traditional values. Values like getting hammered at Hooters and screaming at my girlfriend when she talks during football. That’s why I decided to cut anything Bud Light or Anheuser-Busch out of my life until they cut out this woke bullshit. Unfortunately, in the cold light of sobriety, I’m questioning my sexuality even more. Help!

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing I love more than a big ol’ pair of titties in my face. But now that I’m no longer subjecting myself to an endless barrage of heteronormative beer ads, I’m starting to think that maybe it ain’t all about whatcha in your pants, but whatcha got in your heart. Gah! What the fuck am I saying? I’m straight as God intended me to be.

I know what Budweiser is up to with this Dylan Mulvany Instagram post. This has to be some liberal psyop to get us real Americans to stop drinking Bud Light and to look inwards and see that sexuality is a social construct imposed by a fascist, theocratic patriarchy to keep us in line. They almost got me but I know better.

All my favorite country songs are about trucks, light beer, women in tight jeans, more light beer, and did I mention the women in jeans? But without Bud, it all just sounds so shallow and repetitive. Just the other day I found myself emotionally resonating with Orville Peck lyrics and thinking about that one summer in 2003 when my best friend told me he loved me while we were shotgunning beers on my truck’s tailgate and I was too cowardly to say it back.

No, that’s in the past now. I know who I am: an unflinchingly straight man. No sir, not a single rainbow-clad beer can is going to touch these lips. That goes for Coors and Miller too. Of course, now I don’t know what I’m going to do when I visit my dad since drinking Bud Light and talking shit about liberals is pretty much the only thing we ever did.

What We’re Listening To This Week

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Here at the Hard Times, we believe that there is never a shortage of great new songs to be heard no matter how much we hate leaving our comfort zone to actually discover them. Because we also believe that you, our dear reader, shouldn’t be burdened with the task of broadening your horizons on your own, we’ve taken the time to compile a list of some of the newer sounds we’ve been consuming this week.

Rancid “Don’t Make Me Do It”

Look, we get it, listening to new music is intimidating and can make you feel out of your depth, so we’re going to ease you in here with this brand-new instant classic from Rancid. Does it sound like old Rancid? You bet it does. Does it have a kickass call-and-response chant like a million of your other favorite songs? You fucking know it. Is it under a minute long? Fuck. Yes. Does it feature any evolution of the band’s signature sound? Not even a little bit, which is why you’ll love it.

Wednesday “Quarry”

Chances are you’ve heard of this band, but you haven’t heard them. Quite frankly, we’re all disappointed in you and we hope you can find some time to take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself what the hell you’ve been doing with your life. This North Carolina quintet’s excellent sophomore record ‘Rat Saw God’ has been out for a month and some change now, but if you’re still looking for a way to actually start listening to it, we recommend dipping a toe into this heavily Pavement-influenced banger.

King Krule “Seaforth”

It’s rumored that lead songwriter and sole permanent member of King Krule, Archy Marshall, once turned down an opportunity to work with Kanye West because he ‘couldn’t be bothered.’ It’s not likely he knew the bullet he was ultimately dodging with that flippant act, but it should still be enough to put him on anyone’s radar. ‘Seaforth’ is the lead single from his upcoming fourth album ‘Space Heavy’ and it sounds exactly like what that title suggests. It’s a swirly sonic cocktail that is sure to help your next playlist sound more distinguished.

Mac DeMarco “20200817 Proud True Toyota”

In case you missed it, Mac DeMarco released a totally batshit 199-song album of throwaway tracks and demos called ‘One Wayne G’ a few weeks ago. Since there’s probably no way you’re ever going to be crazy enough to listen to the whole thing, just note that the best tracks are the ones with actual titles. ‘Proud True Toyota’ is a short and sweet ode to a refurbed beater car. It’s goofy as fuck, catchy as hell, and features some pretty great guitar licks. Essentially, it’s the exact recipe for a classic Mac track.

Frankie Cosmos “must be nice (single tear)”

As if the band’s latest and fantastic album ‘Inner World Peace’ wasn’t already enough, lead singer and songwriter, Greta Kline, decided to release a collection of rough drafts and previously unheard tracks from the sessions in which the album came to life. This new-to-us handful of songs provides an intimate look at Kline’s delicate songwriting process. ‘must be nice (single tear)’ is a previously discarded cut that would top most indie artists’ best work. We don’t want to get your hopes up, but it might even inspire you to finish that bedroom EP you started three summers ago.

Sum 41 Disbanding Proves Fact That All Things We Didn’t Know Still Existed Must Come to an End

Posted on by Chris Bowen

With the recent news of pop-punk band Sum 41 calling it quits after decades of apparently still being a band, there comes a stark reminder that the things we once loved and gradually forgot about must ultimately meet their demise.

Yes, much like the Choco Taco, Sierra Mist, and the Mighty Mighty Bosstones before them, Sum 41 are just another casualty in the world of stuff that we assumed called it a day years ago, finally actually calling it a day.

Think about how impactful this band was when you were younger. Many people like you may have been introduced to punk rock at an early age by bands like Sum 41. But now you’re a bit older, and your tastes are much more “mature,” and somewhere along the way you thought to yourself, “I loved them when I was young, but I’m not a poser so fuck that band.” All while wearing your favorite crusty old obscure d-beat band t-shirt.

Until you found out it was all over.

Now you’re shocked. You’re crippled by the thought of a band you once loved and cherished at one point but haven’t thought of in 15 years is kaput. You blame yourself for not keeping up with them. Hell, you probably think they only have like two albums or something. And now that they’re gone, it’s too late.

But when these things happen, we can’t totally beat ourselves up over it. Life can get in the way sometimes. And besides, things don’t necessarily have to be gone forever. Take something like the Ringling Brothers circus for example. They went under in 2018 when everyone thought they were done literally 50 years ago. And now they’re coming back for some stupid, god awful reason. Point being, it’s always worth holding out for a triumphant return.

So I say let the breaking up of Sum 41 be a lesson to us all. Cherish the formerly-beloved things we have, because we don’t know what we have until we thought it was already gone, and then it actually is.

Recovering Morrissey Apologist Relapses After Watching “500 Days of Summer”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ROBBINSDALE, Minn. — Recovering Morrissey apologist David Franklin tragically relapsed and once again defended the artist’s music and politics after watching “500 Days of Summer,” helpless friends and family have reported.

“I’ve been going through a rough patch lately and needed a depressing indie movie to cheer me up. Was I expecting The Smiths to perfectly accentuate the film’s themes of self-deprecation, longing, and loneliness to a degree few other soundtracks can achieve? Obviously not,” said Franklin. “Yes, he’s said some pretty reprehensible things about minorities and is a miserable prick in real life. But I identified with Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character so much the next thing I knew, I was giving Moz’s thinly veiled criticism of black musicians a free pass. I think I’ve even blacked out a few times while defending him recently. God, I need help.”

Franklin’s friends were dismayed that he had fallen off the wagon again, after all the hard work he put into distancing himself from the controversial singer.

“David isn’t a bad guy, and we were proud of him when he cut the Moz grandstanding out of his life completely. It just goes to show how fragile his sobriety truly is if an offbeat rom-com can knock him off the wagon. The only thing worse than him blaring ‘Hatful of Hollow’ on repeat is listening to him defend Brexit on Morrissey’s behalf,” said Carlos Arrez. “It’s like trying to deprogram someone who’s been in a cult for 20 years. I’ve tried weaning him off with other 80s alt-rock bands like Echo & the Bunnymen, but it might be quicker to just beat the crap out of him.”

Self-help group Moz Anon has helped thousands of people like Franklin on the road to denouncing the outspoken British singer.

“MA isn’t about denying the quality of his work, but rather the fact that he’s devolved into an indefensible asshole with comically bad takes on politics and race. But there are no fair weather Morrissey fans, and I’ve unfortunately seen people with three-year chips relapse after accidentally resonating with his music,” said organization president Millie Stoffer. “We’ve identified ‘500 Days of Summer’ as ‘indie-guy bait’ and can be a big trigger, but we tell everyone that comes through here that in the real world, Zooey Deschanel’s character would absolutely hate the Smiths and so should you.”

As of press time, Franklin’s friends were relieved to see him on the road to recovery after his scathing review of Morrissey’s novel “List of the Lost” on Goodreads.