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Help! Boycotting Bud Light Has Made Me Question My Sexuality Even More

I have been a loyal Bud Light drinker since the 8th grade and let me tell you, this loyal customer is NOT happy. I’m sick and tired of these companies turning their backs on traditional values. Values like getting hammered at Hooters and screaming at my girlfriend when she talks during football. That’s why I decided to cut anything Bud Light or Anheuser-Busch out of my life until they cut out this woke bullshit. Unfortunately, in the cold light of sobriety, I’m questioning my sexuality even more. Help!

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing I love more than a big ol’ pair of titties in my face. But now that I’m no longer subjecting myself to an endless barrage of heteronormative beer ads, I’m starting to think that maybe it ain’t all about whatcha in your pants, but whatcha got in your heart. Gah! What the fuck am I saying? I’m straight as God intended me to be.

I know what Budweiser is up to with this Dylan Mulvany Instagram post. This has to be some liberal psyop to get us real Americans to stop drinking Bud Light and to look inwards and see that sexuality is a social construct imposed by a fascist, theocratic patriarchy to keep us in line. They almost got me but I know better.

All my favorite country songs are about trucks, light beer, women in tight jeans, more light beer, and did I mention the women in jeans? But without Bud, it all just sounds so shallow and repetitive. Just the other day I found myself emotionally resonating with Orville Peck lyrics and thinking about that one summer in 2003 when my best friend told me he loved me while we were shotgunning beers on my truck’s tailgate and I was too cowardly to say it back.

No, that’s in the past now. I know who I am: an unflinchingly straight man. No sir, not a single rainbow-clad beer can is going to touch these lips. That goes for Coors and Miller too. Of course, now I don’t know what I’m going to do when I visit my dad since drinking Bud Light and talking shit about liberals is pretty much the only thing we ever did.