Press "Enter" to skip to content

Wheelchair User Just Wants to Crowd Surf Once Without Inspirational Photo Being Taken of Him

SEATTLE – Local punk and wheelchair user Brandon Spires expressed his desire to crowdsurf without it turning into a free for all of people taking photos and videos in hopes of turning it into a viral moment, fucking irritated sources report.

“Every fucking time I crowdsurf it feels like I’m being hounded by low level papparazzi,” Spires said. “I know it’s gonna get posted somewhere for clicks, because every time someone posts bullshit like this, it gets all the comments about what a beautiful moment it is, and how inspiring it is. Fucking whatever, I just puked down the front of my shirt right before this because I was getting fucked up drinking diesel gas in the parking lot. And if me covered in barf while a bunch of grown men try not to drop me is what inspires someone, that’s sad as hell. I don’t know why everyone is so horny for photos of me doing normal things. I should start an OnlyFans, but with my clothes on, just watching TV. Or going to get beer. I need a day rate, or an appearance fee.”

Fellow showgoer and photographer Amy Bunson is elated by the shot she captured on her iPhone 14 camera.

“When I saw him crowdsurfing I thought ‘this is a triumph of the human spirit.’ It was such an inspiring moment, what a beautiful life and amazing dude,” she said, with tears in her eyes. “I can’t imagine what he’s had to go through and how much it took to be here tonight. It’s pictures like this that remind me to appreciate what I have, because my life could be so much worse. I mean, not that his life is bad or anything. You know what I meant.”

Chester Jones, frontman of the headlining band Ignorant Squid that inspired the crowdsurf, feels blessed that he saw Spires lifted into the air during their set, due to recent events that left the band’s reputation tarnished (which Jones refused to elaborate on.)

“Fuck yea. We’re giving that dude a free t-shirt for being the fucking man. I tried to position myself in the back throwing up devil horns and cheering him on because we could really use some…different kinds of people in photos on our Instagram grid,” Jones laughed nervously. “Alright, fuck it, we need to look like good people since the uh, accusations. No one will think we’re shitbags anymore if we’re hanging out with a guy like that.”

Spires was unable to be reached for further comment or a photo, as he had gotten into a fight in front of the venue and puked on himself again.