ROBBINSDALE, Minn. — Recovering Morrissey apologist David Franklin tragically relapsed and once again defended the artist’s music and politics after watching “500 Days of Summer,” helpless friends and family have reported.
“I’ve been going through a rough patch lately and needed a depressing indie movie to cheer me up. Was I expecting The Smiths to perfectly accentuate the film’s themes of self-deprecation, longing, and loneliness to a degree few other soundtracks can achieve? Obviously not,” said Franklin. “Yes, he’s said some pretty reprehensible things about minorities and is a miserable prick in real life. But I identified with Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character so much the next thing I knew, I was giving Moz’s thinly veiled criticism of black musicians a free pass. I think I’ve even blacked out a few times while defending him recently. God, I need help.”
Franklin’s friends were dismayed that he had fallen off the wagon again, after all the hard work he put into distancing himself from the controversial singer.
“David isn’t a bad guy, and we were proud of him when he cut the Moz grandstanding out of his life completely. It just goes to show how fragile his sobriety truly is if an offbeat rom-com can knock him off the wagon. The only thing worse than him blaring ‘Hatful of Hollow’ on repeat is listening to him defend Brexit on Morrissey’s behalf,” said Carlos Arrez. “It’s like trying to deprogram someone who’s been in a cult for 20 years. I’ve tried weaning him off with other 80s alt-rock bands like Echo & the Bunnymen, but it might be quicker to just beat the crap out of him.”
Self-help group Moz Anon has helped thousands of people like Franklin on the road to denouncing the outspoken British singer.
“MA isn’t about denying the quality of his work, but rather the fact that he’s devolved into an indefensible asshole with comically bad takes on politics and race. But there are no fair weather Morrissey fans, and I’ve unfortunately seen people with three-year chips relapse after accidentally resonating with his music,” said organization president Millie Stoffer. “We’ve identified ‘500 Days of Summer’ as ‘indie-guy bait’ and can be a big trigger, but we tell everyone that comes through here that in the real world, Zooey Deschanel’s character would absolutely hate the Smiths and so should you.”
As of press time, Franklin’s friends were relieved to see him on the road to recovery after his scathing review of Morrissey’s novel “List of the Lost” on Goodreads.