Every Screaming Females Album Ranked

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

Started and based in New Brunswick, New Jersey, Screaming Females is the best rock band to come from the Garden State since the Misfits, and perhaps the best thing from Jersey in general since Philip Roth or disco fries. The definition of a power trio, the lineup has been unchanged since their formation— Jarrett Dougherty on drums, Mike Abbate on bass, and Marissa Paternoster on guitar/vocals. The threesome are an almost constantly touring operation, so if you’re a punk about town, there’s a good chance you’ve caught them on the road without even hearing their records. If you haven’t caught a show yet, their eight albums manage to capture the bombast, excitement, and proficiency of their live sound better than most bands working, so dig into their discography while waiting for them to come to a town near you. Here is every Screaming Females album ranked.

8. Baby Teeth (2006)

Screaming Females came out swinging with their scrappy self-recorded and self-released debut. Paternoster cites some of her early musical heroes as Nirvana and Pearl Jam, but the influence of 90s alternative rock would be more apparent on later releases. Instead, “Baby Teeth” revels in its youthful exuberance with thrashy garage-pop, lots of silly lyrics, and even a few forays into ska. Paternoster’s terrific, distinct vocals get much stronger after “Baby Teeth,” though, which means it probably isn’t the album to start with. But if you can’t get enough of this band, it’s a great one to go back to.

Play it again: “Bus Driver Man”
Skip it: None. They all rip.

7. What If Someone Is Watching Their T.V.? (2007)

The band lives up to their name on their second LP, also self-recorded/released. Paternoster is shouting her head off on the excellent, Pixiesesque opener “Theme Song,” and the record doesn’t let up from there. The band itself sounds harder and meaner, but retains the charm of a group willing to try any song that’s fun to play. Will someone sign these kids already?

Play it again: “Humanity Arranged”
Skip it: None. They all rip.

6. Power Move (2009)

Someone did. “Power Move” is the first Screaming Females record to be released on a label— Don Giovanni Records, also based in their home scene of New Brunswick, N.J.— and gives the band the perfect amount of upgrade by improving the sound quality without changing the recipe. It’s the most punk-sounding of the albums listed so far, with loud-quiet-loud dynamics, major keys anchoring melt-your-face guitar riffs, and lyrics that will make your mom ask if you’re doing okay (“The curtains part/The shades are flesh/Second hands turn to knives/You are buried in the nude”). All of this rocking is still accomplished with little to no overdubbing, so good luck being mad that your favorite band is signed now.

Play it again: “Adult Army”
Skip it: None. They all rip.

5. Castle Talk (2010)

If you’re a Screaming Females superfan like I am (or a “Screamer” as I have just unfortunately dubbed us), you’ve probably noticed that so far we’re listing their albums in chronological order. That’s not happenstance or laziness, (we Screamers [this is going to catch on] are notoriously precise and hardworking!), but because for the first half-decade of their career, SF just got stronger with each release. On 2010’s “Castle Talk,” Paternoster’s voice has reached full power, effortlessly shifting from Stevie Nicks warble to wraith-like shriek mid-song. The drums, bass, and guitar are in lockstep with each other from years of sharing the same stage. Musically the songs are more adventurous here— with pretty, emo-ish chord progressions mixed into the record’s hardcore stew. The band started to gain some critical attention from this one, so time to get on the horse or be trampled underfoot. I truly apologize for naming us Screamers (no I don’t).

Play it again: “Wild”
Skip it: None. They all rip.

4. Desire Pathway (2023)

And now we exit the chronological and enter the preferential! The offerings in the latter half of Screaming Females’ discography are more diverse, so ranking them depends on what your favorite flavor is. Their most recent album is the band’s third with producer Matt Bayles, and though the production is the slickest it’s ever been it manages not to sacrifice the raw power of their sound or make a record that can’t be reproduced live. Paternoster is harmonizing with herself more on this one while taking fun departures into old-school punk (“Desert Train”), hooky radio-rock (“Ornament”) and power-pop that could turn Blondie green with envy (“Mourning Dove”). “Desire Pathway” isn’t afraid to be catchy, and serves as a perfect entry point to the band.

Play it again: “Brass Bell”
Skip it: None. They all rip.

3. All At Once (2018)

Way back in high school, Marissa Paternoster and Mike Abbate started playing music together under the tutelage of a math teacher who forced them to learn Phish songs and called it “Music Club.” The alternative/punk-leaning pair found themselves immune to the charms of the hippy jam band institution (but do yourself a favor and check out the Sugarbush 07/16/1994 rendition of “Run Like an Antelope.” Tell me your third eye doesn’t open a little bit!), but they would credit these early lessons with teaching them to improvise. Much later, in 2018, those skills show up big time on the weird and ambitious masterpiece “All At Once.” The band absolutely shreds on this one– their proggiest record by far. It starts with their best opener before or since (“Glass House”) and over its 15 tracks it leaves few stones unturned in its gleeful classic rock revelry (there’s even a Skynardesque, neo-soul ballad with “Bird In Space”). In less deft hands the result could be messy, but every Music Club indulgence yields beautiful results here.

Play it again: “Anges Martin”
Skip it: None. They all rip.

2. Ugly (2012)

With the heat of “Castle Talk” and years of touring behind them, Screaming Females finally got the Steve Albini Treatment. Since there wasn’t much frill here for Albini to trim, “Ugly” goes straight to the work of capturing the live feel of Screaming Females, and gives the listener the sense of hearing them play to a big room with a mosh pit for one. More than anything, “Ugly” sounds loud— Dougherty’s drums are more to the front of the mix than they’ve ever been, Abbate’s bass is rattling with fuzz, and Pasternator takes many gain-drenched, feedback-squealing guitar solos way into the red. The songs are the most abrasive of the band’s career, and it’s their longest album at 54 minutes, rewarding multiple plays through with the volume as loud as you can stand it.

Play it again: “Doom 84”
Skip it: None. They all rip.

1. Rose Mountain (2015)

For a songwriter who has said she doesn’t write songs that are about one thing in particular, “Rose Mountain” contains Marissa Paternoster’s most evocative lyrics yet. The record addresses dealing with chronic sickness and pain, after cutting the tour supporting “Ugly” short to deal with Paternoster’s initially undiagnosed illness of fibromyalgia. “Hopeless” is a break-up song addressed to one’s own body. “Ripe” practically dares an unnamed assailant to do their worst, with a repeated plea to “peel the skin raw,” and “pinch ‘til the feeling’s gone.” The only title track of the band’s career is named after Rose Mountain Care Center, a rehab in Paternoster’s native North Jersey that she saw as a child and dreamed of one day going to to get well. It’s not surprising that music so preoccupied with bodies and pain is among the band’s most visceral; it’s lean and direct at 35 minutes, only coming up for air long enough in a few spots to plunge you right back into its seething rage. Paternoster’s guitar work here pays homage to the ‘90s rock legends that inspired her to pick the instrument up as a teenager, and the album’s stellar closer “Criminal Image” wouldn’t sound out of place nestled with the best tracks on Siamese Dream. From the peak of “Rose Mountain” you can see everything the band has done before and after perfectly coalescing into their most cohesive, confident, and yearning collection of songs.

Play it again: “Triumph”
Skip it: Come on. They all rip!

The 10 Best Ska Music Videos That Will Inspire Your Summer Wardrobe and Get You Beat Up By Jocks

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

Ska music never made an impact in the music video world, since second wave was already dying down as MTV premiered. By the time of the 1990s ska revival, music videos were million-dollar showcases for beautiful people. Indie bands could not compete and most just slapped some show footage on VHS and sent it to “120 Minutes.” But some bands broke through with some creative and entertaining work.

Here are the 10 best ska music videos we could find and hopefully they also give you some style inspiration:

10. Voodoo Glow Skulls “Fat Randy”

For a band that slaps together so many genres and cultural influences, this video has a simple concept. They perform in a wrestling ring “taking on” the monster heel, “Randy El Gordo” interspersed with footage of wrestling moves. Combined with frantic horns, punk vocals, metal riffs, and poppy ska breakdowns, it’s a lot of fun. Hopefully all the wrestlers featured went on to become superstars and avoided CTE, “Dark Side of the Ring” features, and the advances of Vince McMahon.

9. Reel Big Fish “She Has A Girlfriend Now”

Reel Big Fish didn’t invent the Hawaiian shirt, checkerboard Vans, and cargo shorts style of goofy ska rock, they perfected it by going back to three main topics for their silly-ass videos:
1. Covers
2. “You can’t call us sellouts, only we can call ourselves sellouts”
3. “My ex-girlfriend is now ___”
RBF chose the latter bucket, donned 80s costumes, and produced a tribute to John Hughes movie gags and “Revenge of the Nerds” pranks. The lyrics barely manage to be on the right side of history, since this was made in the “Chasing Amy” era where queer people were “tolerated,” but somehow the straights are the victims because lesbians are somehow a threat to their sexuality (See also: “Friends”). “Stranger” still is the song features guest vocals from Monique Powell of Save Ferris, who isn’t in the video, which is awkward for a duet. Couldn’t they have thrown an actress in a Molly Ringwald wig and had her lip sync?

8. Save Ferris “The World Is New”

Imagine an episode of later series X-Files where Scully fronts a ska-pop band that goes on a “The Wizard of Oz”-inspired cyclone ride during band practice and you’ll get both this video and my high school LiveJournal.

7. The Specials “Ghost Town”

Horns are the instruments most closely associated with ska, but the organ is the unsung hero of the genre. Not all bands use them, but it adds depth to the classically shallow art form. The organ sound brings both the sound and visuals of “Ghost Town” to a new level, combining the cliches of film noir, spy movies, and gangster biopics into something new. Guy Ritchie must have seen this video and made it his entire persona.

6. Lily Allen “Smile”

Between Amy Winehouse’s Ska EP and Lily Allen’s debut album “Alright, Still,” there was an attempt at a fourth wave of ska in the mid-2000s. It didn’t happen, but we got an amusing video of the British tabloid bad girl as a scorned lover hiring hooligans to ruin the life of her ex set to a loop of “Free Soul” by Jackie Mitto and The Soul Brothers. It makes you wonder what could come from crate-digging DJs exploring the “Miscellaneous – Ska” bins at the record store…

5. Sublime “Wrong Way”

Sublime took surf and stoner culture and combined it with hip-hop, ska, and punk influences played on an acoustic guitar which still appeals to frat bros to this day. The posthumous video soft pedals the scummy lyrics about the narrator justifying sleeping with a 14-year-old sex worker by using bright color filters, dutch angles, cameos, a plucky trombone solo, and clown makeup into a Bonnie and Clyde-style story starring Bijou Phillips. What elevates this video above Sublime’s other posthumous output? The archival footage of Bradley Nowell projected on billboards and buildings doesn’t look like complete shit.

4. Rancid “Red Hot Moon”

For a band that looks like caricatures of punk henchmen from a Canon Films action movie, Rancid did put out a lot of ska singles, “Red Hot Moon” being their best effort. The video and lyrics tell the story of a young woman named Casey taking an existential bus ride which serves as a metaphor for drugs. But the most notable aspect of the video is the way the director made the CBGBs of the early 2000s look somewhat presentable. I don’t know if it was a set, the lighting crew, or CG over a green screen, but Marvel needs to hire these people.

3. Madness “House of Fun”

For almost 50 years Madness created bouncy ska-influenced pop songs with lyrics about growing up delivered in indefinable Cockney slang. Their videos are like random sketches from “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” with references that never made sense to American audiences. The song is about a kid celebrating his 16th birthday by going to the Chemist (Pharmacy) to buy balloons and party hats (condoms), but the Chemist tells him to go to the House of Fun (a party supply shop). Even British people are confused by the Queen’s English, but fortunately, these lyrics are literally depicted for the Colonies to follow. The nutty boys are having a blast wearing costumes, riding amusement park rides, and doing herky-jerky dances, and blimey is it right brilliant.

2. Fishbone “Party At Ground Zero

At some point, society decided the best way to deal with Cold War atomic anxiety was through puppetry and mask work. Combine that with makeup, stock footage, politically charged lyrics, animation, stock footage, costumes, the plot of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Masque of The Red Death,” and the most-high energy band of all time and you have a 4:50-minute long representation of 1985. And in the truest representation of Reagan-era lies and greed, a song about nuclear armageddon lives on in the soundtracks of “Kids make their own rules” movies.

1. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones “Rascal King”

Between “The Impression That I Get” and Dicky Barrett tanking his legacy by composing anti-vax anthems for RFK, Jr., came this little gem. The video features the band auditioning to play a 1930s-era nightclub for the club’s mobbed-up owner, giving some context to having a band in suits with a full horn section. Combined with an “I think that guy’s been in stuff” character actor playing the owner and the faux-gangster schtick, it’s the perfect encapsulation of this brand of ska. Plus, providing the “Dancing Guy” with a conductor’s baton as a prop gives the most useless person in music some credibility.

Ego That Died on Mushroom Trip Resurrected by Cocaine Bender

Posted on by David Britton

BEDFORD, Ind. — Grocery store clerk Max Bryce recently experienced an ego death after ingesting over five grams of psychedelic mushrooms, regained said ego after a weekend of heavy cocaine usage, sources close to him report.

“Max was pretty chill for a couple weeks there,” said long-time friend Greg Creft. “He used to get so mad when I beat his ass at ‘Mortal Kombat,’ like especially when I performed a Babalitie. But last time he just called it ‘cute’ and said something about how we were all babies of the universe or whatever. Sadly, all that personal growth and stuff went out the window when he went on a three-day cocaine bender that ended with him driving a moped into a public pool. ”

Local lifeguard Megan Gilbert was on duty when this incident occurred.

“Honestly it was kinda cool,” said Gilbert while scrolling through her camera roll for video footage. “I mean this guy came out of nowhere screaming ‘USA! USA!,’ then rammed through a rusted-out section of the chainlink fence, and went right into the deep end. I jumped in and pulled him out thinking he was probably dead, but before I even got him out of the water he asked me if I wanted to make out and if I could get him something to eat at the concession stand. If I live to be 100 I’ll still never know why I bought him that snowcone.”

This kind of ego reincarnation is far more prevalent than most people think, according to Dr. Alex Landfert, Professor of Psychology at Hartford College.

“Ingesting large quantities of psilocybin can often lead to a person feeling strongly connected to the whole of the universe and less occupied by their own personal desires and sense of self-identity,” explained Landfert. “This causes them to be more open to new experiences and more in tune with the present moment. So basically the exact kind of guy who would say yes when someone asks him to snort coke in an Applebee’s bathroom. Coke, as a rule, tends to turn the user into the most impressively narcissistic version of themselves possible. It’s a vicious cycle.”

Bryce was last seen still in the grips of his high defecating on an air hockey table at Dave and Buster’s after declaring himself “the long dong daddy of this tight butt town.”

Watching “Home Improvement” Reruns on a Saturday Night Is So Much Better than Going to Your Show in Every Conceivable Way

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

I saw your flyer. You know, the one for the show that’s three towns over with the vague set time that can be anywhere from eight to midnight. As great as it sounds to witness the same exact setlist I’ve seen several times when you frequently played at the club down the street from my apartment, I’ve found a better way to spend my Saturday night. I can buy an entire case of beer for the same price as the cover charge and a single drink, and be half in the bag while watching reruns of Home Improvement on Hulu before the opening act even loads in.

I get that you think branching out and taking your show to different locales is a great way to grow your band. Unfortunately for you, there’s only one band that I care about these days: K&B and the Boys, who frequently appear on Tool Time with their unique brand of industrial working class noise-rock.

Listen, I know that Home Improvement hasn’t been relevant for like 20 years but at least it’s contrived in a way that has charm. Why would I bother looking at a bunch of thirty-somethings attempting to coordinate outfits while trying to bring back shoegaze when Al Borland rocking a flannel is a sure thing every time? What’s more, Tim’s neighbor Wilson is the only guy who could truly pull off a bucket hat. It’s just embarrassing when hardcore kids try to emulate such an iconic look without imparting a bit of folksy wisdom.

Most importantly, I don’t care about your pedals and your gear. You keep talking my ear off about BOSS this, or MXR that. Seriously, what the hell is a Big Muff? That’s a cool Orange amp you’ve got and all, but I’m always gonna be repping the blue. That’s right, I’m a Binford man through and through, ARGGGH ARRRRGHH ARGGGGH!

Guitar Center Employee Crushed to Death by Avalanche of Squier Starter Packs

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

DANBURRY, Conn. — Guitar Center employee Cody Simmons was recently crushed to death by an avalanche of Squier starter packs that came loose after a customer played a particularly face-melting solo, sources that now have to work overtime to cover his shifts confirmed.

“Cody was one of my best sales associates,” mourned assistant manager Howard Clark. “Incidents like this tell me that we still have a long way to go when it comes to the safety of our merchandise displays. My staff is still referring to the President’s Day AmpStravaganza incident from this past February as the ‘hail to the grief’ sale, and now I’ve gotta deal with this. It’s bad enough that corporate wants us to push these shitty Affinity Precision Basses, but it only adds insult to injury when you catch the corner of a 15 watt Fender Rumble amp to the small of your back when the entire structure collapses, which it does frequently.”

Simmons’ parents Gale and Peter Simmons are devastated by the loss of their son, and demand that better safe measures are put in place to avoid future occurrences of Fender fatalities on the sales floor.

“If anything good could come out of Cody’s death, it would be a safer workplace for everybody,” lamented Mr. Simmons. “Our boy is gone, and for what? So some little shit can practice guitar for three months before quitting? Mr. Clark doesn’t even seem to care. He thinks wrapping those novelty caution tape guitar straps around the display is a suitable warning to patrons and employees, but it seems like a sick joke considering how often this kind of thing happens.”

Guitar Center higher-up Sally Roethfeld weighed in on the necessity of the monolithic starter pack display, and how it’s absolutely vital for the continuity of their business.

“There will always be collateral damage in the form of staff casualties when you get down to brass tacks. But unfortunately, the bad press and insurance payouts don’t outweigh the staggering amount of sales that we make to parents who have absolutely no fucking clue what to buy for their kids when they step into one of our 304 locations. It’s heartbreaking that we lost yet another top selling associate under a pile of basswood and cardboard, but if we don’t sling these things by the dozen, then we’ll have to close up shop for good.”

At press time, Simmons’ coworkers were found standing on top of a Mesa Boogie Dual Rectifier trying to change a lightbulb.

Punks React: Apple’s New Vision Pro Headset

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Apple recently announced a new augmented reality headset called Vision Pro, which will be driven by a first-ever spatial operating system. The headset will launch in 2024 and cost $3,499. We took to the streets to get punks’ thoughts on the new exciting product.

Guy Clark, Chef

“As long as it doesn’t come pre-loaded with a U2 album I’ll be happy.”

Jenn Newman, Cashier

“I can’t wait. The Vision Pro is about to revolutionize the way I stare at a screen all day.”

Gary Daniels, Office Assistant

“No thanks. I’m happy with my Google Glass.”

Craig Singleton, Hotel Bellhop

“This is really going to be an upgrade from my iPod Nano.”

Hayley Carrol, Server

“Great, now I’ll be subject to a 360-degree panoramic view of unsolicited dick pics.”

Noreen Mckee, Social Worker

“And yet no word on whether I can get mine with prescription lenses.”

Jerry Blanchard, Blogger

“I’ll wait for the refurbished ones to come out, so I can save 80 bucks.”

Eddie Weldin, Unemployed

“But how will this upgrade my PornHub experience?”

Chuck Angule, Janitor

“For $3500, I can look like the dorkiest passenger on an American Airlines flight.”

Joanne Tremens, Restaurant Host

“Finally, a screen that is two inches away from my face and covers my eyes entirely.”

Sasha Solomon, Barista

“Your move, Android.”

Every Butthole Surfers Album Ranked

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

The Butthole Surfers started off by performing shows that involved naked people with sideways mohawks, two identical androgynous drummers, barely controlled fires, disturbing film reel projections, and various other acts while Gibby Haynes shouted through a megaphone about Elvis’s toenails to chopped up classic rock. It’s the typical act that is witnessed only by Butthole Surfer fans or people who were tortured under MK Ultra experiments. How the hell you channel all that into sellable records is no easy task. The end result is something that is probably not enjoyable for people who have things like “families” or “stable careers.” Since we are unemployable and our family disowned us years ago we decided to rank every Butthole Surfers albums, so dig in.

8. Weird Revolution (2001)

Bands rarely get to leave on a high note and Weird Revolution is sadly another example. There are some good tracks but overall it feels way too easy for radio play. The biggest song on here, “The Shame of Life,” (written in collaboration with uh… Kid Rock) belongs in a sleazy nightclub run by a guy who brags about his investments in Crypto. “Dracula From Houston” meanwhile feels like it was written by Smash Mouth. At the same time however, this is a band where nothing feels too drastic a choice.

Play it again: “Last Astronaut”
Skip it: “Dracula From Houston”

7. Piouhgd (1991)

This is the first album to contain only one drummer which sadly brings them too close to becoming a normal band. Still, if any other band had produced this album, people would have that band either honored or given medication. “Revolution Part 2” ends with a hypnotic chant of the name Garry Shandling. It can only be assumed that Garry struck a deal with the Surfers to seep his name into the subconscious of America in order to get “The Larry Sanders Show” picked up.

Play it again: “Revolution Part 1 + 2”
Skip it: “Lonesome Bulldog”

6. Electriclarryland (1996)

If Gibby Haynes has a sister-in-law, it would be fascinating to hear her thoughts on the track “My Brother’s Wife.’ Their biggest single, “Pepper,” shows that the Anus Skaters know how to write a good normal song if they want to. A much easier to digest record than previous ones which is good or bad depending on who’s listening. Despite being their most commercial record at the moment, it doesn’t stop them from including four minutes of French people talking about cars.

Play it again: “The Lord Is a Monkey”
Skip it: “TV Star”

5. Independent Worm Saloon (1993)

This one’s still got plenty of Butthole Surfers energy but the songs have less genre jumping and tape sampling. “Tongue” has the classic distorted Hippie vibe of previous albums. Lots of good sludge metal vibes throughout. Worst thing about the album is that there’s seventeen songs so after a while it’s harder for some tracks to stand out. The album is produced by Led Zeppelin’s John Paul Jones, possibly because he wanted to prevent any more titles like “Hairway To Steven.”

Play it again: “Wooden Song”
Skip it: “Leave Me Alone”

4. Psychic… Powerless… Another Man’s Sac (1984)

Their first official album starts the record with enough psychotic noises for turning off anyone who might be expecting another “Pepper” track. “Another Man’s Sac” jumps from noise to psychedelic to punk to country so fast that you are either on board or you’re not. “Lady Sniff” uses sound effects in a musical manner that can only be compared to Weird Al’s “Smells Like Nirvana.” Only 35 minutes long so never has a moment to get stale.

Play it again: “Dum Dum”
Skip it: “Eye Of The Chicken” ain’t bad but might scare away some people.

3. Rembrandt Pussyhorse (1986)

Nearly every track on “Rembrandt Pussyhorse” creeps in the mind like a haunting entity luring you to die of dehydration in the middle of the desert. The band treats the song “American Woman” like their fellow Texan alumni Leatherface by cutting it up and wearing its skin poorly over their own. The album comes attached with the EP “Cream Corn From The Socket of Davis” which includes the must-hear track “To Parter.”

Play it again: “Hall of Whirling Knives”
Skip it: Skip to your local desert to get lost and have the haunting entity dehydrate you with mirages.

2. Hairway to Steven (1988)

The second “Jimi” starts playing with headphones, it allows the dual drums to play tug of war with your eardrums like two dogs fighting over a steak. Some great occasional rockabilly vibes in Paul Leary’s psychedelic guitars and Gibby’s rambling nonsense works perfectly. Very few bands can make a song called “I Saw An X-ray Of A Girl Passing Gas” sound so beautiful. The best way to listen to this is while having a staring contest with the album cover.

Play it again: “Jimi”
Skip it: none

 

1. Locust Abortion Technician (1987)

Many burnouts in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot will claim this is the peak of Butthole Surfers. It’s hard to argue against this when the album kicks off with a maniacal regurgitated cover of Black Sabbath’s “Sweet Leaf” known as “Sweat Loaf.” Daniel Johnston had such a reaction to that song he regurgitated the regurgitated version with “Sweat Loafed.” The album is riddled with heavy doom and speed perfect for blasting while your enemies are experiencing a panic attack.

Play it again: “Human Cannonball”
Skip it: if you haven’t heard “Sweat Loaf,” skip it and instead listen to only the Sabbath version and the Daniel Johnston version then use your imagination to figure out what the Buttholes possibly created in between those two.

6 Times Snapping Into a Slim Jim Had Dire Consequences for My Career

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

We all love Slim Jims, the intensely salted tubular meat snack promoted by the dearly departed Macho Man Randy Savage and very much not by our cardiologist. I, for one, know that I love Slim Jims a little bit too much, considering how much I have compromised my once-thriving career as an executive for Anderson Bevel Smith, the third-largest advertising firm in Idaho, for even just a bite of those savory, delicious, incredibly addictive pieces of mechanically-separated chicken and miscellaneous beef.

1. The first terrifying, career-destroying incident happened one previously ordinary afternoon. My healthy lunch of a chef salad with low-calorie French dressing on the side had not sustained the necessary energy for a hard day of pitching risky ad concepts to my boss, ABS Vice President Oliver Bevel. Thinking quickly, I pulled a Slim Jim out of my emergency snack drawer and snapped into it. Before I know it, a grotesque figure reminiscent of a giant Slim Jim slammed open the door of my office, slapped me twice, hard, threw the papers off my desk, and screamed “EAT ME” before leaving as quickly as he had come.

Unfortunately, he apparently also slapped ABS Vice President Oliver Bevel on the way out, which was blamed on me.

2. The next time, I had a big presentation for Grover Bits, Sesame Street’s latest hit branded breakfast, and I was nailing it. I could see it in the eyes of those fat cats from the Children’s Television Workshop, I had them. To punctuate my closing line of “those kids won’t know what Grovered them,” I pulled out a Slim Jim and snapped into it. Immediately, that grotesque figure smashed through the boardroom window, raining glass everywhere across the clients, many of whom suffered minor injuries, and landed on the table. After he kicked the President of the Children’s Television Workshop in the balls, he rappelled out the window, screaming “EAT ME.”

3. After my inevitable demotion, I was understandably depressed and indulged in a number of vices. Eventually, my near-constant huffing of model airplane glue drove my wife and children to leave me; when I was informed that Jake’s Hobby Depot would no longer be seeling me glue, the fumes finally cleared and I knew I had to get them back. But before I could do that, I indulged in a little Slim Jim snap, and wouldn’t you know it, that motherfucker popped out of a garbage can behind Jake’s Hobby Depot and stabbed me with a Bic pen.

4. This one was a dream, so I don’t know if it counts. But I was in the office, but it wasn’t really the office, you know? Anyway, I snapped into a Slim Jim, and then the Slim Jim became him and he became everything around me and I was in Hell and I woke up screaming “EAT ME.”

5. At this point, I had fallen apart. I was wandering the halls of my office at Anderson Bevel Smith like a ghost, reduced to delivering the interoffice mail, like an animal. People avoided me. Slim Jims were my only friend. Snapping into them was my only respite. At my lowest, I snapped into one and he smashed through a wall and I burst into tears just at the thought that at least he was there for me. But when he saw me sobbing, he slowly backed out of the room without a word. Even he was freaked out.

6. However, I’m happy to report things have improved. The last time I snapped into a Slim Jim, I was ready. He burst through the ceiling tile of Anderson Bevel Smith and was about to scream in my face, his eyes filled with the malicious fire of the damned. I grabbed him and snapped his neck with the strength of a thousand righteous men. I may never be the same and I will never be welcome in the offices of Anderson Bevel Smith again, not least of which because I am currently scheduled to be executed by the State of Idaho in three days.

But I did what I had to, and I pray God has mercy on me for the Slim Jims I have snapped.

Propagandhi Stop Concert Mid-Set to Give Pop Quiz

Posted on by John Danek

WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Political punk thrashers Propagandhi paused a hometown show in the middle of their set to administer a pop quiz which evaluated the audience’s understanding of their lyrical themes, panicked fans reported.

“Propagandhi had just finished melting our faces with the solo at the end of ‘Purina Hall of Fame’ when merch and sound guys started scurrying around the crowd giving out paper and pencils,” recounted a scarred Elaine Motts, who dropped out of high school precisely to avoid situations like this. “Chris Hannah then asked ten questions, while Sulynn walked around the crowd watching for cheating and Todd screamed at people for talking. There were questions about Moby Dick, the FBI’s COINTELPRO program, and Ethiopian emperors. I definitely failed. Fuck, I’m going to have to retake remedial punk at the NOFX farewell tour before I can attempt to pass Propgandhi again.”

Members of the band admitted frustration at their audiences’ ignorance pertaining to the subject matter of their catalog.

“I can only listen to someone butcher the phrase ‘Mate Ka Moris Ukun Rasik An’ before I wonder if our messages are sinking in,” explained drummer Jord Samolesky, who devised the evaluation method. “We’re calling it No Punk Left Behind, and I think it’s really starting to show results. We’ve always been about more than just sick riffs and insane drum fills, we are edutainment à la the Oregon Trail. People complain that the tests are too hard, but we recently added extra credit like listing hosts of Hockey Night in Canada.”

Educators praised the Manitoba band for their insistence on combining education with art.

“It appears to already have an influence on other bands. The Lawrence Arms stopped a show last night to administer a class on taste pairing cigarettes with well whiskeys,” said Dr. Orin Marklard, dean of the Department of Education at The University of Winnipeg. “Propagandhi’s subject matter is astonishingly difficult. I could only answer one or two questions, but admittedly I’m more of a ‘How to Clean Everything’ fan than any of their later work.”

Reports indicate Propagandhi’s sellout show the following night was sparsely attended with the band receiving over 800 emails about the sudden deaths of audience members’ grandmothers.

What We’re Listening to This Week

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

New music is the singular thread that keeps society from tearing apart like your last good pair of jorts. If you think we’re being hyperbolic, it’s because this concept requires everyone’s participation to work properly and you haven’t been pulling your weight. Because we want to save the world and you keep fucking it up for everyone, we’ve compiled a list of songs that have come out while you were listening to ‘Static Age’ or some shit for the hundredth time this week.

Lektron “She’s A War”

Matt Skiba has had a lot more free time on his hands now that Tom DeLonge has rejoined Blink-182. To celebrate he has assembled one of the best supergroups we’ve heard in recent memory, Lektron. Featuring members of AFI and Against Me!, ‘She’s A War’ plucks the most exciting aspects of each player’s sound. While that ultimately creates a fresher sound than we’re used to, Alkaline Trio fans will be especially excited to hear that this track finds Skiba still tinkering with the formula that brought us classics like ‘Private Eye’ and ‘We’ve Had Enough.’

Sylvan Esso “How Did You Know – Live At Electric Lady”

Last year Sylvan Esso released their fifth studio album, ‘No Rules Sandy.’ Its purpose was to strip down the duo to its more live roots. If you, like many of us, were underwhelmed by the effort, their new EP ‘Live At Electric Lady’ is dead set on rectifying that. Don’t believe us? Give this live version of the ‘No Rules’ cut, ‘How Did You Know,’ a spin. Just make sure you’re alone if you don’t want your friends to see your sob face when the Attaca String Quartet comes in to obliterate the album version’s original samples.

Speedy Ortiz “You S02”

Following a five-year dry spell, Speedy Ortiz are back with a new single from their forthcoming album, ‘Rabbit Rabbit.’ ‘You S02’ finds lead singer and songwriter Sadie Dupuis delivering her acerbic lines with a confidence not quite heard as of yet in this project. Much like the band’s previous work, this track brilliantly rides the line between outright pop and moody dissonance, wonderfully underpinning its themes of inauthenticity in Hollywood. The chorus wouldn’t sound out of place on the soundtrack of ‘Clueless’ had it been directed by David Lynch. That’s a compliment in case you were wondering.

Diners “The Power”

You would be forgiven for thinking this song was an unearthed recording of a Television song written by Paul McCartney. The wonderful guitar-play and retro production could whisk anyone away to a late-seventies power-pop show in some hip NYC nightclub. Fortunately for us, Diners, the stage name of songwriter Blue Broderick, is crafting this incredible music today. The excellent lead single from her forthcoming LP ‘Domino’ proves that in the eleventh year spent as a recording artist, she is still capable of cranking out some of the catchiest tunes we’ve heard since the last time she released a record.

Radiator Hospital “Cartoon Logic”

Radiator Hospital’s fantastic new record ‘Can’t Make Any Promises’ finds the band ready to get fuzzy again after 2019’s notable, but incredible, detour ‘Music to Daydream To.’ ‘Cartoon Logic’ sounds like it could have been lifted from Built to Spill’s early catalog, but manages to sound fresher than anything the band has released in recent memory. This track places Sam Cook-Parrot’s inimitable voice and lyrical stylings dead center while cradling both in a wall of overdriven guitar and dazzling harmonies. The best part is, this track clocks in at just two minutes and sixteen seconds, so you might actually be fully engaged for the entirety of the song before scrolling through Instagram in silence for hours on end.

Bring Me the Horizon “AmEN! (feat. Lil Uzi Vert and Daryl Palumbo of Glassjaw)

In ‘What the actual fuck?’ news, Bring Me the Horizon is back with their first single in three years, and… Lil Uzi Vert has a verse on it? It’s also, like, kind of a good verse. If you’re concerned that lead singer Oliver Sykes’ recent spiritual retreat might have dulled some of his lyrical leanings, don’t worry. This track is an apocalyptic jam with all its fury pointed directly at fundamentalist Christians. Though the line ‘suck a dick, heretic’ had us equally amused and worried, Lil Uzi Vert ties the message together stating ‘you fanatics prey on me, hate on me… get your head out of my ass, got me feeling like a human centipede.’ Here’s hoping he’s on every goddamn track when the full-length drops.

MSPAINT “Hardwired”

Okay, so this one came out about three months ago, but it’s been a pretty busy season and free time is hard to find. Also, let’s not pretend we weren’t all too busy listening to Turnstile to notice this one slip into the zeitgeist here. There’s no two ways about it, MSPAINT is fun as fuck. Infusing elements of hardcore, synth-punk, pop, hip-hop, and a fuckton of other genres, the band doesn’t seem to be interested in falling into a distinct category. That’s what makes their debut album, ‘Post-American,’ so exciting. If that all sounds a bit too heady for you, don’t worry. One of the album’s highlights, ‘Hardwired,’ basically only has four words, so you won’t have to think too hard when you’re blasting it in your car.

Bowling For Soup “Trucker Hat”

We’ll be honest, we kinda didn’t notice that Bowling For Soup was on this year’s Riot Fest lineup. Partly because they’re on the ninth line of the tiny font part of the flier, and mostly because we forgot they were a band. Now that we know, though, we’re definitely going to try to see their set. While the band just released a new album in April, we couldn’t help but revisit their classic back catalog, particularly the blast from the past that is ‘Trucker Hat.’ Here’s hoping they play it or literally any song to which we kind of remember the words. Riot Fest is quite the nostalgia trap this year, after all.