We Ranked the Top 10 Lifetime Songs Because We’re Stuck in Traffic on The New Jersey Turnpike Again, and It Smells Like Crap

Posted on by Trevor Graham

If you ask the average lame-ass normie to name the best bands that have come from New Jersey they would inevitably say Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi (Fun Fact: If you play “Living on a Prayer” anywhere in NJ eight drunken women from Bergen County will magically appear to sing the chorus as loud as humanly possible directly into your ear canal) But if you ask someone cool they will say The Misfits, The Bouncing Souls, and Thursday and if they’re really down they will say Lifetime. Starting off more as an emo-type band in the early ‘90s and evolving into a sound of their own that mixed poppier punk elements (but NOT pop punk) with melodic hardcore sounds, they became a favorite of the aging, sarcastic punks who live in this God-forsaken state. And since we are on the turnpike moving slower than the plotline to season six of “The Sopranos” we decided to rank their ten best songs.

10. “Ghost”

So right off the bat, we’re going to piss people off with this one. Lifetime themselves have disavowed the entire album “Background” and on the rare occasion they play a show won’t do any of the songs from it. They even remastered (and possibly re-recorded parts?) to fix what they probably thought were bad decisions at the time. But this song sounds like a proto-“Hello Bastards” era jam to us.

9. “Northbound Breakdown”

After an almost ten-year hiatus Lifetime returned with their self-titled album in 2007. Their sound had been polished a bit more than most had remembered and ironically ended up sounding similar to bands they had directly influenced like Saves The Day and New Found Glory. The opening song though is a catchy sing-along toe-tapper. Ironically, we’re in this traffic jam because of a broken-down Honda Civic in the Northbound lane.

8. “Dwell”

This is from their first seven-inch and is their most teen-angsty emo phase. Wait, wait! Hear us out… it’s fucking adorable. “I cry / Open up the sky” EEK! Those are actual lyrics! This is another one from their back catalog you will never hear them play live but we love it. We can’t decide what our favorite part is – The gang vocals right before the emo-y mosh-y part at the end or the fact that their logo on the cover of the seven-inch was typed out in Papyrus. Aww, so cute! Don’t you just want to pinch their little cheeks?

7. “Isae Aldy Beausoleil”

This song is named after a French-Canadian mass murderer (don’t worry, we can search Wikipedia while driving because again – we’re barely moving) and if you say it out loud it sounds like nonsense which actually makes sense because singer Ari Katz sounds like he has marbles in his mouth.

6. “Theme Song For A New Brunswick Basement Show”

Originally released on the Antimatter Compilation and later on “Jersey’s Best Dancers” this song tells the tale of the excitement, boredom and drama of seeing your crush in a dank basement show in the sort-of city of New Brunswick. And hey, at the rate we’re moving we should be passing the exit for it in only four more hours!

5. “Starsixtynine”

First of all no, this is not some sexual innuendo so get your head out of the gutter, pervert. You see kids, when you had a landline phone and you missed a call if you hit *69 it would dial back the last number that called you. Anyway this was on their “Tinnitus” seven-inch which ironically some people probably have from listening to this too loud on their Walkman. Maybe even a talented, handsome, and possibly delusional geriatric The Hard Times writer.

4. “Ostrichsized”

For some reason there was a real fascination in the ‘90s hardcore scene with “The Outsiders.” We’re not here to decide whether or not it’s some kind of working-class Shakespearean tragedy or just overly simplistic drivel but bands sure did like to put samples from it in their songs.

3. “25 Cent Giraffes”

From this point on in this ranking we’re bouncing back and forth between two albums like what this fucknut with Pennsylvania plates in front of us is doing with the lanes. “Philly is in the other direction, fucking idiot!” Anyway this is another song about going to a show and if you close your eyes and pretend you’re not creeping along in a metal coffin you can almost hear the crowd sing along to that opening.

2. “Rodeo Clown”

If you thought we were done ranking Lifetime songs that are about going to a show you’re fucking stupid! Sorry, we’re irritable from being miles from the nearest rest stop and really have to pee, and maybe shit. My insides are so fucked up I can’t even tell anymore. It could probably be argued this is actually the best Lifetime song but again, we really have to go and are just trying to wrap this up before we piss ourselves.

1. “Young, Loud, and Scotty”

Well, we did it, folks, we’ve arrived at our destination! Not us in this soul-killing parade of the bridge and tunnel crowd obviously but all of us on this list. Lifetime was a few years too early with this one. If it had come out in the early oughts it probably would’ve been a legit radio hit. But the kind hardcore kids would still admit to liking unlike the Sum41’s or whatever of the time.

Opinion: My Mom Says You’re Not Allowed to Make Fun of Me For Being a Libertarian Anymore

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

Alright butt-nuggets, listen up and listen good, a real man is talking. I know there have been a lotta laughs up to this point, but the mockery stops here. My name is Andrew Corliss, I’m twenty-seven years old, and my Mom says you’re not allowed to make fun of me for being a libertarian anymore.

That’s right, you heard me. For too long, I’ve had to suffer countless outrageous japes and jesteries from you mindless, group-thinking, Kool-Aid-drinking, jackboot-wearing bureaucrats, but the fun stops here. You all need to get over your addiction to big government and get over your addiction to making fun of my political views. You know why? Because my Mom said so.

Sorry, not sorry. If that offends you, deal with it.

Ever since I can remember, people have teased me for being a free-thinker. They made fun of my “Don’t Tred On Me” bumper stickers. They said that my idea to privatize every major American roadway was “idiotic” and “impractical.” They said that I was insane and paranoid when I told them I owned over twenty guns. But let me ask you this: When the socialist regime that Premier Bidenovich is trying to impose on us all comes knocking at your door to try and force you to sign up to be an organ donor and pay income tax, who are you pencil pushing pussies gonna call to defend you? That’s right. Me! I hate income tax. It takes away the money of good, hard-working Americans and redistributes it to junkies and losers. That’s why I’ve decided that the only job I’ll ever hold is moderating a very prominent Reddit board.

My Mom is one of the free thinkers. One of the only ones who gets it. Ever since I became aware of the limitless potentials of unfettered freedom and pure capitalism in high school, people have been teasing me. Like Jesus (who I don’t care for because he preached wealth redistribution) before me, I have been scorned, ridiculed and told by my dental hygienist that I smell badly. And my Mom is tired of it. She’s tired of you saying these things to me. She tells me so all the time. She tells me what a big, strong boy I’m becoming. That’s why she needs me to still live in her basement. To protect her. Because I’m her big, strong, free-thinking man. Her big, strong, free-thinking mommy man who owns over twenty guns.

Ultimately, I could spend more time, telling you dumb shits all the reasons why libertarianism is the only true political philosophy, how you can learn more from South Park than from the lies taught in our public school curriculum, how every report that I’ve seen shows that our economy would be better if we let children work factory jobs. But that’s not up to me to educate you. You’re an independent person. You can do your own research. As for me, I have to go pick up my girlfriend from school.

“No, YOU do a Kickflip, Eric Koston” Says Humiliated Longboarder to Self in Bathroom Mirror

Posted on by Trevor Graham

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Local longboarder Ben Gleekman is still recovering emotionally after he completed folded under pressure when pro skateboarder Eric Koston called out from his car to “do a kickflip,” confirmed sources who have had to listen to their friend think of comebacks for hours.

“I wish I had said something clever like ‘No, YOU do a kickflip, Eric Koston if that’s even you’re real name,’” said Gleekman as he angrily pointed a finger, recreating the conversion he had with himself in the mirror. “But instead I actually attempted to do one and only got the board a quarter way around, landed on the board sideways, and fell on my elbow really fucking hard. The worst part was I was outside the Puff N’ Stuff Vape Shop and everyone inside saw the whole thing. I can’t show my face there ever again — and it’s all Eric Koston’s fault!”

Gleekman’s girlfriend, Vanessa Burd, says even once he left the bathroom the odd behavior continued.

“He’s been walking around for the past couple of days muttering to himself,” said Burd. “At one point I think I heard him say ‘Eric Koston? More like… Barely Flossin’’ which sort of rhymes but definitely isn’t an insult,” said Burd. “The worst part though is that I caught him in the basement with that fucking longboard watching trick tip videos on YouTube. He was able to get the board to flip halfway around so I guess that’s a good start? But honestly, he is 34 and I’d like it if he’d just focus on getting a job.”

Koston, who does the “Do a kickflip” as a video series for The Berrics, says it’s all in good fun and he didn’t mean any harm.

“It’s really not a big deal that he couldn’t do one,” said Koston. “Honestly when I yell out to someone on a longboard it’s pretty much understood they’re not going to be able to do a kickflip. I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to do one on one of those things. And even though he didn’t do it I was still trying to give him a t-shirt and some stickers just to say it’s all good but he just stormed off. I’ll say this though about this guy — he may not be able to skate but damn that dude can run! He took off quick and left a trail of bubblegum-scented vape cloud for half a block.”

As of press time, Gleekman had still not been able to do a kickflip but says he is moving on from longboarding and is looking into getting “one of those sick ass OneWheels.”

Make-a-Wish Foundation Denies Child Bassist’s Wish to Play Guitar

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

MILWAUKEE — A child bass player with terminal cancer was denied her dying wish to play lead guitar by the Make-A-Wish Foundation as it interfered with long-held institutional policies and beliefs, apologetic sources confirmed.

“We strive to make every child’s wish come true, but, unfortunately, there are limitations,” said Make-A-Wish spokesman Charles Frante. “Limitations like playing starting point guard for the Miami Heat, riding a rocketship to Mars, or, in this case, allowing a lowly bassist to play lead guitar. I mean, say we were allow it this one time. What’s next? A child drummer gets granted residuals on a song they helped write? Never gonna happen. The slipperiest of slopes, frankly.”

Despite the Make-A-Wish Foundation’s justification, many have expressed their disappointment, including the patient herself, Micah Trumbholdt.

“It’s so easy, all anyone’s gotta do is hand me a freaking guitar,” demanded 13-year-old Trumbholdt. “I never even wanted to be a bass player, I wanted to play lead guitar. But when I was five, my dad bought me a bass for Christmas because his shit band needed a bass player and he told me ‘literally anyone will do.’ Now I’m stuck here, dying in bed with my fuckin’ Schecter. This is horseshit in the nth degree.”

Regardless of this setback, Trumbholdt’s medical team confirmed there is still hope.

“All she needs to do is pick up a hobby that would re-ignite circuits in the part of the brain that is typically associated with music and joy, like learning to play lead guitar. Which is just a shame, considering she’s a bassist,” empathetically noted Doctor Donald Wentworth. “As doctors, we aim to disrupt fate’s agency with modern science to prolong the health and wellness of an individual. But we’ll do everything we can for her, even if her status makes her one of our less desirable patients to treat. Maybe we can teach her piano!”

At press time, the Make-A-Wish Foundation announced they were able to pull some strings and would like to offer Trumbholdt a guided tour of the Mariana Trench by James Cameron in lieu of “the whole guitar idea.”

This Day In Music History June 7

Posted on by Tim Graham

Wow, a whole lot happened on this day in music’s past! Join us as we take a look back at some of the noteworthy events—and even some under-the-radar stories you may have missed—that occurred on this day in music history.

1968: Led Zeppelin Introduces the Blues to the United States

The long-haired British lads delighted US audiences when they brought their unique, new musical genre across the pond for their first stateside show.

 

1973: Kraftwerk’s Ralf Hütter Discovers the 58008 Trick With His Pocket Calculator

The remarkable finding would go on to thrill generations of middle schoolers.

 

1979: David Byrne Develops Trademark Erratic Dance

The Talking Heads frontman had a eureka moment on stage while trying to shake a spider out of his shirt.

 

1982: Alleged Fifth Ramone Sues Band for Songwriting Credits

Disgruntled former member Gary Ramone claims to have come up with shouting “1-2-3-4!” before songs during his brief tenure with the band.

 

1984: Would-Be Assassin Foiled By Bruce Dickinson’s Codpiece

The Iron Maiden singer was saved when his medieval crotch accessory blocked a sniper’s bullet. The deflected bullet then struck and killed an unlucky fan in the front row.

 

1987: The Fall’s Mark E. Smith Records Stop Announcements for London Underground

The unintelligible announcements quickly caused chaos and system-wide disruption, resulting in The Tube’s “Celebrity Stop Announcement” program being immediately scrapped.

 

1990: Fugazi’s Guy Picciotto Interrupts Washington Wizards Game by Running Onto Court and Dunking Himself

The singer was barred from attending future NBA games until he sought treatment for his self-dunking compulsion.

 

1991: Michael Winslow Saves The Day After Slash Falls Ill

The talented vocal artist was called in last-minute to replicate Slash’s guitar parts with his mouth for Guns N’ Roses’ Madison Square Garden concert.

 

1997: Iggy Pop Tries in Vain To Cut Himself With a Plastic Beer Bottle

The singer later complained that the increased use of plastic bottles was impacting his ability to perform.

 

2008: Lars Ulrich Reveals “The Unforgiven III” is About Napster Users

“Just remember: Metallica never forgives and never forgets,” warned the drummer in a Rolling Stone interview.

 

David Byrne photo by Craig Howell.

Every Mastodon Album Ranked

Posted on by John Danek

The members of Mastodon look like they smell pretty bad. In the world of sludgy prog metal, this is a good thing. You don’t want a bunch of daily showerin’ tools with 401(k)s attempting to send you into the depths of mountain tombs with crunchy guitars and bellowing lyrics of doom. You want dudes who sweat Shiner Bock and leave an oily residue on everything they touch. Mastodon has delivered the stank for over two decades now. So please hold your nose while we rank one of the biggest bands in metal this side of Y2K.

8. Hushed & Grim (2021)

Just like how I’m never going to watch a movie longer than 2.5 hours (fuck you Avatar), I don’t want to hunker down with an hour plus of any album no matter how good it is. And thus lies the biggest issue with Mastodon’s most recent album “Hushed & Grim.” This fucker comes in at a whopping 86 minutes long. That’s too long. In fact, it’s so long that I’ve never once made it to the end. I tried! But I keep getting distracted by Farmville. Am I the only one still playing Farmville?

Play It Again: “More Than I Could Chew” because I’m a sucker for Mellotron
Skip It: “Dagger”

7. Once More ‘Round the Sun (2014)

To my ears, “Once More ‘Round the Sun” is Mastodon’s poppiest attempt at a wider popularity (save for the single “Show Yourself” to come later in 2017). But keep in mind that my ears are barely functional after years of sonic abuse, so maybe I’m way off base here. A listenable but somewhat unmemorable experience, this 2014 LP is a solid half-hour shorter than “Hushed & Grim,” so I have to give it the edge.

Play It Again: “The Motherload”
Skip It: “Asleep in the Deep”

 

6. The Hunter (2011)

There’s nothing wrong with “The Hunter,” per se. But compared to the other albums on this list, it has a far less distinct identity. It’s a proper album with the feel of a B-sides collection. There are some decent songs here though. And the artwork is cool as fuck though. How many jaws does that thing have? Can it even close its mouth? I’m confused and scared.

Play It Again: “Spectrelight”
Skip It: “The Hunter”

 

 

5. Emperor of Sand (2017)

Maybe their most accessible album, “Emperor of Sand” distills Mastodon’s essence into a batch of kickass prog metal bangers. I mean “accessible” as a compliment here; I could listen to this album three times a day for months on end and never get sick of it. Give this album to every niece and nephew of yours when they turn 12; they’ll thank you in later decades for saving them from a life of shit music.

Play It Again: “Ancient Kingdom”
Skip It: “Show Yourself” feels like a blatant attempt to get played on KISS FM (which worked)

 

4. Blood Mountain (2006)

2006’s “Blood Mountain” sees Mastodon exploring the limits of combining their filthy metal sound with math-rock tendencies, and they succeed with impressive aplomb. Bet you didn’t think you were going to read the word “aplomb” today, well guess what? I used that word a lot now because I learned it in my court ordered anger management class. Guitarists Bill Kelliher and Brent Hinds intertwine their guitar lines in dizzying, intricate patterns. I do wonder what would happen if they continued down this path; maybe it would end in a mathy/reggae/deathcore fusion LP? But they went prog so I guess we’ll never know.

Play It Again: I need a cigarette after the middle section of “Capillarian Crest”
Skip It: “This Mortal Soil”

3. Remission (2002)

“Fuck yeah.” That’s what I say anytime I listen to this album. I don’t care if I’m sitting at my computer by myself or relaxing in the ballpit of a Chuck E. Cheese with my headphones on giving spoiled little kids the finger. Mastodon’s debut album has a youthful hardcore energy which would dissipate on subsequent albums. Bonus points must be awarded to “Crusher Destroyer” which has been scientifically proven to have the best name for a metal song ever.

Play It Again: “Mother Puncher”
Skip It: “Trilobite”

 

Honorable Mention: Call of the Mastodon (2006)

Apparently the band considers this compilation of re-recorded demos to be their first album. I didn’t know that before beginning to write this list so I’m listening to it at this very moment. It kicks all kinds of ass very similarly to “Remission,” so I’m just going to tie both of these for third place.

Play It Again: “Deep Sea Creature” (goddamn this band loves fish)
Skip It: “Thank You For This”

 

 

 

2. Crack the Skye (2009)

Not only one of Mastodon’s defining statements, but one of the best works of progressive metal ever, 2009’s “Crack the Skye” is everything Dream Theater wishes they could be (i.e. cool). The album contains wacky stories of magic and ghosts and Rasputin. But they never lose sight of the goal; to still bash you over the head with sick metal riffs and great songwriting. Bassist Troy Saunders’ full-throated roars pepper the songs with memorable hooks. The fact that this isn’t Mastodon’s number one album really says something.

Play It Again: “Oblivion”
Skip It: we’re not skipping anything from here on out

1. Leviathan (2004)

I never read “Moby-Dick.” I’m never going to read “Moby-Dick” because I think Herman Melville has a dorky name. But I’ve listened to Mastodon’s crowning achievement “Leviathan” like 200 times, so like, I get it. I bet this album is a better artistic experience than the book anyways. The dark guitars twist and wind into the depths of the sea with no light or hope. The bass provides an ever-shifting foundation of sediment for the band to float on. Drummer Brann Dailor pummels the drums without ever relying on a single stock drum beat. Hang this in the Louvre but also keep a copy in the car for fighting that guy who cut you off at the stoplight.

Play It Again: Yep
Skip It: see previous Skip It entry, dipshit

All of Minor Threat’s Songs Ranked From Least Best to Best Because We Want to Make Old Guys Angry

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Minor Threat remains the gold standard in hardcore even though they broke up 40 years ago. Some might say ranking their songs are a waste of time, that this is a pointless exercise, that we should “get a fucking life,” and guess what? We agree with you, but that’s not going to stop us. So put on your favorite beanie, grab your reading spectacles, and dig into our official rankings.

(Note: This list is based off of Minor Threat’s “Complete Discography,” and yes we know of the unreleased live song, but that’s not on the list. Also, we’re only counting “Out of Step” once. If you got a problem with that then go take your heart medication and calm yourself down.)

25. “Good Guys (Don’t Wear White)”

This should be no surprise. It’s dead last because it’s a cover song, it’s a stylistic departure, and the band that recorded the original, The Standells, also wrote that “Dirty Water” song which is annoying as hell to anyone from Massachusetts.

23. “12XU”

This is a cover of a song by Wire, and it has all the trademark Minor Threat aggressiveness, it’s just too bad the original song is complete shit. It sounds like a song that someone would play in American Apparel back in like 2006 and then if you asked for help finding something in a medium they would scoff and go make fun of you in the back room.

23. “Stepping Stone”

Look at that, another cover. This was originally recorded by Paul Revere and the Raiders. In case you forgot, Minor Threat were teenagers when they wrote most of their music, and teenagers like to cover songs. Teenagers also like to make fun of me when I go to the mall by myself to relax. Sorry if I find the atmosphere soothing you pricks. Anyway, this is easily the best cover they did, but come on, you can’t rank a cover song high up on the list.

22. “Cashing In”

This is another stylistic departure. Lyrically it’s as close to “funny” as Minor Threat will ever get. There is even one spot where they state that charging $4 for a show is ripping someone off. You hear that Taylor Swift? Anything more than $4 for a live performance is price gouging.

21. “Stumped”

“Stumped” was released two years after Minor Threat broke up, and it has hints of the direction Ian MacKaye was going to head musically, it’s like proto-Fugazi. But the fact of the matter is if I wanted to listen to Fugazi then I would go listen to Fugazi.

20. “Small Man Big Mouth”

We all know the short dudes with bad ‘tudes. The guys who are 5’4″ and decide they need to start lifting weights so they end up looking like a bowling ball. Then they buy a lifted truck where they need a little step ladder in order to get in. Yeah, these guys suck, but I want a little more lyrically from Minor Threat,

19. “Stand Up”

This is by no means a bad song, but it’s average in the world of Minor Threat. The lyrics are fun though, basically Ian is saying “fuck with me and I got an entire crew that’s going to light you up.” I could picture Ian as a Krang-type figure, he crawls into the stomach of a much bigger dude and controls him while he fights a gang of ninja turtles that go cause trouble at shows.

18. “Guilty of Being White”

The fact this song hasn’t been completely co-opted by the right is a modern miracle. Don’t play this song for anyone that says “White men are actually the most persecuted people in society right now” because then the chorus will become the soundtrack of their life.

17. “I Don’t Wanna Hear It”

I could spend this entry saying “Don’t like where this song is listed? Well, I don’t wanna hear it.” But I’m not going to sink that low. That level of hack writing should be left for clickbait content farms, and that is definitely not what we are going for with this sort of article. Got it?

16. “It Follows”

If your band wrote this song it would be the one you close out every set with. The crowd would love it and you would be hailed as geniuses, unfortunately it was written by Minor Threat and they have so many other songs that are somehow even better that it gets ranked this low.

15. “Sob Story”

Play this song for that entitled person in your life that thinks the world owes them something. You know the type. They have no talent, no drive, they refuse to learn anything new, but they still feel like it’s outside forces holding them back. Fuck those people. Anyway, this song comes in at 15.

14. “Minor Threat”

This song really encapsulates teenage angst without it being about lost love or overbearing parents like so many hacky pop punk bands over the years. It’s about having to grow up despite still feeling like a kid, something I’m sure we can all relate to. I play this song for the employees at Chuck E. Cheese every time they kick me out because I’m there alone, I just wanted to play the pop-a-shot hoop game.

13. “Think Again”

We a firmly in the territory where you could scramble the next few songs and nobody would actually be like “Wait, you put “Think Again” at 13? Your entire family should be murdered in front of you. What a fucking moron.” Great bass work on this song.

12. “Little Friend”

The first minute of this song is pretty average, in fact if the song stayed at that pace it would be ranked a lot lower. But then Minor Threat slows it down a bit and welcomes you to sing along with every word. Tough to say who the titular “little friend” actually is, so we are going to assume it was some sort of gecko or something.

11. “No Reason”

The singalong part in this song was probably really fun to see live. Go find a 55-year-old right now and ask them if they ever saw Minor Threat live, if they haven’t then call them a loser and shove them down a flight of stairs. Great song, but just outside the top 10.

10. “Bottled Violence”

Top 10 baby here we go. If that glass-breaking sound effect doesn’t get your blood pumping than see a doctor immediately. This 53 seconds of pure aggression. Put this song on next time you get in a bar brawl and then throw yourself through the plate glass window out front.

9. “Betray”

Imagine you were a Minor Threat fan back in the ’80s and you put on “Out of Step” on your turntable, as soon as you hear the song kick in you know you are about to tear your parents’ rumpus room to shreds. That’s why Dad should let you have a record player in your bedroom.

8. “Look Back and Laugh”

411 Video Magazine used this song for a Tum Yeto Canada Road Trip and if you’re a skateboarder of a certain age you know exactly how this song makes you feel. And it clocks in at over three minutes in length, basically Minor Threat’s version of “Dopesmoker.”

7.  “Seeing Red”

This song is just over a minute long but it takes you on a wild, pissed-off ride the entire time. This is a fun one to slip onto the playlist at kid’s birthday party. The song is short so by the time someone says “What the hell is this music?” it will basically be over and the kids will be exposed to something cool for once.

6. “Screaming At a Wall”

Musically and lyrically Minor Threat is still developing, but “Screaming At a Wall” really shows everything they are capable of, and it’s one of the only Minor Threat songs that isn’t a band name at this point.

5. “Salad Days”

This is more or less Minor Threat’s swan song and you can tell because they utilize a bell. That’s right, a fucking bell. Any song with a bell is instantly better. Go ahead and listen to “Disarm” by The Smashing Pumpkins and tell me I’m wrong.

4. “Filler”

This opening guitar ring out has been ripped off, copied, or inspired so many other hardcore bands it’s tough to count. There was a recent National Highway Traffic Safety Administration report that said 99.99% of car accidents are caused by people losing their fucking minds with excitement as soon as they hear this song which causes them to ignore red lights, stomp on the gas, or just jerk the wheel around like a fucking maniac.

3. “Straight Edge”

The song that was never meant to start a movement. It holds a special place in the hearts of every straight edge person, and strikes dread in the people that used to be straight edge as they listen and think “I used to stand for something, I haven’t laughed at the thought of eating ludes since my first week of college.”

2. “Out of Step”

This biggest knock against this song is the “don’t fuck” line. If you are straight edge then you have had some bozo ask “oh, so are you waiting for marriage to have sex?” I went back and listened to this song at least three times and I must have missed the line about “saving your purity for your spouse” anywhere. Get the hell out of here. Most straight edge people don’t fuck simply because nobody wants to hang out with them. (Both versions of the song are great, the second version is just slightly better. And the Cynthia Connolly designed sheep is legendary.)

1. “In My Eyes”

I mean come on. This song right here has it all. Slow parts, mosh parts, recognizable lyrics, and a message that all straight edge people hang on to like that little goblin holds onto the shiny round thing in “Lord of the Rings.” Try not to lose your fucking mind if a band covers this song at a show, you can’t. You have to go completely nuts. Those are the rules.

Sad! Meet the 38-Year-Old Still Referencing His College Radio Show as His “Fun Fact” in Office Icebreakers

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

By their late thirties, most adults have done something that’s at least sort of interesting with their lives. Even something as basic as having a baby niece or a whitewater rafting hobby. Hell, even just a large collection of rare paper clips. Something, anything, that they can use as an icebreaker at work.

Not Greg Heffernon. This pathetic 38-year-old finance manager at AvocadoPrism Software apparently has nothing going for him. For 23 consecutive office icebreaker games across the eight companies he’s worked, he’s turned to a single “fun fact.” He hosted a radio show called “Spiky Biscuit Riot” for two years in college. Oh cool, we guess.

Worse, the aging dork continues to believe his colleagues consider Spiky Biscuit Riot, named after a drunken inside joke with his freshman roommate, to be genuinely impressive. In reality, the show, broadcast from a damp empty basement in the student union building, averaged 1.5 on-campus listeners, plus his mom on the rare occasion the primitive webcasting equipment wasn’t broken.

“I just played whatever I wanted for two hours,” Heffernon now tells each round of cringing coworkers. Sure, Greg. If by “playing whatever” you mean “generic heavy-rotation tracks and then legally mandated public service announcements about electrical safety and pediatric dental decay every half hour.”

“Yeah, I had to load the CDs and everything. It was pretty hardcore,” the nearly-40-year-old predictably continues his pitiful anecdote. “I bet I can even still do the call letters and whole station ID in my ‘radio voice’ for you. Hold on a second.”

“Can we anonymously drop a rescue dog on Greg’s porch or something so he can have a real interest?” said fellow finance manager Sam DeVito. “Actually, no. He’d probably make the poor dog listen to the old tapes of him doing the show, which would definitely be animal abuse. I’m going to just send him a model airplane kit.”

Gay Edge Punk Makes Exception for Poppers

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

CHICAGO — Self-described “gay edge” punk Connor Hensley sparked controversy by abstaining from alcohol and recreational drugs with the notable exception of alkyl nitrites known as poppers, sources drinking sparkling water report.

“These old edge guys need to loosen up about poppers,” Hensley explained. “Don’t get me wrong, sniffing them for that brief euphoria is still a big no-no. I just think it’s a different story when someone hypothetically needs them in the bedroom with their boyfriend of 13 months. Not that it’s my story, but poppers have lots of functional uses that shouldn’t count against otherwise sober twinks. You don’t see straight edge bands firing their drummers for using room deodorizer.”

Hardcore guitarist Derek Stout, who founded vegan gay edge band Charli XVX with Hensley before kicking him out for the alleged edge break, interprets the “poppers clause” differently.

“True gay edge punks don’t sniff poppers, period. We use them exclusively for their advertised purposes as nail polish removers and VCR cleaners,” Stout said while designing “Drummer Wanted” flyers for Hensley’s replacement. “Connor can whine all he wants about how he needs them for his boyfriend, but that’s a skill issue on his part. I’ve been with my partner for three years and neither of us touch the stuff unless we’re restoring old copies of ‘Titanic’ we found at Goodwill. And don’t even get me started on what it’s done for our horror collection.”

Straight edge elder Dr. Rick Campos, who holds a Ph.D. in Edge Studies, hopes to pause the current discourse and focus on fostering scene unity.

“While my fellow straight edge scholars and I are still learning about gay edge’s unique rules, my recent studies indicate the hetero and homosexual edge lifestyles are more alike than different, ” Dr. Campos admitted during office hours. “Both communities have some members who frequently wear leather and others who exclusively eat plant-based. They also have a love for hardcore music and shared trauma from getting bullied in high school. Some of these kids likely ate lunch in the same English teacher’s classroom once upon a time. Both communities should remember that next time they argue about edge breaks.”

At press time, elders temporarily allowed the poppers exception after Hensley successfully cleaned everybody’s tape decks.

Singer in Critical Condition After Hearing Own Isolated Vocal Track

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

WARWICK, R.I. — Local alt-rock vocalist Philip Lincoln was reportedly hospitalized from sheer embarrassment shortly after listening to his own isolated vocal track, sources who sent a “get well soon” Edible Arrangement confirmed.

“Why didn’t anybody tell me that’s what my voice does when I’m singing? It was my first take! Ugh, you could hear my lips smacking together…nobody wants to hear that,” said the Electric Fence singer, as a nurse adjusted his I.V. “And not to mention all that labored breathing as I waited through the instrumental breaks! I sound like hurricane season in South fucking Carolina. Might be best to quit the band entirely to save on future medical bills during recording sessions. Somebody get a surgeon in here to extract my vocal cords, I don’t deserve them any longer.”

Recording engineer Lyle “L-Train” Greybar was reportedly confused over how a seasoned vocalist could have such a reaction to their own voice.

“I still don’t understand it. Wouldn’t you want to laser in on your craft, to get the best possible take? Usually the acts I work with are eager to hear how they’re doing. This has given me a lot to think about,” said Greybar, from the hospital waiting area. “Not only that, but I don’t think the studio has the budget for this trip to the emergency room, man. You see, some say autotune is ruining the entire industry, but it’s actually saving some singers from the harsh reality of hearing their own lackluster voice and losing consciousness as a result.”

Dr. Melanie Frith-Jensen of Kent County Hospital paints a foreboding picture of Lincoln’s possible outcome.

“We’re certainly not out of the woods yet, that’s certain. The patient’s high confidence level combined with the considerably low natural talent resulted in a particularly mortifying take. One of the worst I’ve ever seen in my entire medical history,” said Dr. Frith-Jensen. “Looking over his charts, I’d say if he makes it out of here, and that’s a big, big if, then I’d advise him to steer clear of any recording equipment for at least six to eight months. This span of time is recommended not only so he can recuperate physically, but it should give his bandmates some space for serious reflection, to really make sure they want someone like this fronting their group.”

At press time, the track had found its way to social media, leading teens on TikTok to clown Lincoln right onto life support.