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Gay Edge Punk Makes Exception for Poppers

CHICAGO — Self-described “gay edge” punk Connor Hensley sparked controversy by abstaining from alcohol and recreational drugs with the notable exception of alkyl nitrites known as poppers, sources drinking sparkling water report.

“These old edge guys need to loosen up about poppers,” Hensley explained. “Don’t get me wrong, sniffing them for that brief euphoria is still a big no-no. I just think it’s a different story when someone hypothetically needs them in the bedroom with their boyfriend of 13 months. Not that it’s my story, but poppers have lots of functional uses that shouldn’t count against otherwise sober twinks. You don’t see straight edge bands firing their drummers for using room deodorizer.”

Hardcore guitarist Derek Stout, who founded vegan gay edge band Charli XVX with Hensley before kicking him out for the alleged edge break, interprets the “poppers clause” differently.

“True gay edge punks don’t sniff poppers, period. We use them exclusively for their advertised purposes as nail polish removers and VCR cleaners,” Stout said while designing “Drummer Wanted” flyers for Hensley’s replacement. “Connor can whine all he wants about how he needs them for his boyfriend, but that’s a skill issue on his part. I’ve been with my partner for three years and neither of us touch the stuff unless we’re restoring old copies of ‘Titanic’ we found at Goodwill. And don’t even get me started on what it’s done for our horror collection.”

Straight edge elder Dr. Rick Campos, who holds a Ph.D. in Edge Studies, hopes to pause the current discourse and focus on fostering scene unity.

“While my fellow straight edge scholars and I are still learning about gay edge’s unique rules, my recent studies indicate the hetero and homosexual edge lifestyles are more alike than different, ” Dr. Campos admitted during office hours. “Both communities have some members who frequently wear leather and others who exclusively eat plant-based. They also have a love for hardcore music and shared trauma from getting bullied in high school. Some of these kids likely ate lunch in the same English teacher’s classroom once upon a time. Both communities should remember that next time they argue about edge breaks.”

At press time, elders temporarily allowed the poppers exception after Hensley successfully cleaned everybody’s tape decks.