Alright butt-nuggets, listen up and listen good, a real man is talking. I know there have been a lotta laughs up to this point, but the mockery stops here. My name is Andrew Corliss, I’m twenty-seven years old, and my Mom says you’re not allowed to make fun of me for being a libertarian anymore.
That’s right, you heard me. For too long, I’ve had to suffer countless outrageous japes and jesteries from you mindless, group-thinking, Kool-Aid-drinking, jackboot-wearing bureaucrats, but the fun stops here. You all need to get over your addiction to big government and get over your addiction to making fun of my political views. You know why? Because my Mom said so.
Sorry, not sorry. If that offends you, deal with it.
Ever since I can remember, people have teased me for being a free-thinker. They made fun of my “Don’t Tred On Me” bumper stickers. They said that my idea to privatize every major American roadway was “idiotic” and “impractical.” They said that I was insane and paranoid when I told them I owned over twenty guns. But let me ask you this: When the socialist regime that Premier Bidenovich is trying to impose on us all comes knocking at your door to try and force you to sign up to be an organ donor and pay income tax, who are you pencil pushing pussies gonna call to defend you? That’s right. Me! I hate income tax. It takes away the money of good, hard-working Americans and redistributes it to junkies and losers. That’s why I’ve decided that the only job I’ll ever hold is moderating a very prominent Reddit board.
My Mom is one of the free thinkers. One of the only ones who gets it. Ever since I became aware of the limitless potentials of unfettered freedom and pure capitalism in high school, people have been teasing me. Like Jesus (who I don’t care for because he preached wealth redistribution) before me, I have been scorned, ridiculed and told by my dental hygienist that I smell badly. And my Mom is tired of it. She’s tired of you saying these things to me. She tells me so all the time. She tells me what a big, strong boy I’m becoming. That’s why she needs me to still live in her basement. To protect her. Because I’m her big, strong, free-thinking man. Her big, strong, free-thinking mommy man who owns over twenty guns.
Ultimately, I could spend more time, telling you dumb shits all the reasons why libertarianism is the only true political philosophy, how you can learn more from South Park than from the lies taught in our public school curriculum, how every report that I’ve seen shows that our economy would be better if we let children work factory jobs. But that’s not up to me to educate you. You’re an independent person. You can do your own research. As for me, I have to go pick up my girlfriend from school.