WARWICK, R.I. — Local alt-rock vocalist Philip Lincoln was reportedly hospitalized from sheer embarrassment shortly after listening to his own isolated vocal track, sources who sent a “get well soon” Edible Arrangement confirmed.
“Why didn’t anybody tell me that’s what my voice does when I’m singing? It was my first take! Ugh, you could hear my lips smacking together…nobody wants to hear that,” said the Electric Fence singer, as a nurse adjusted his I.V. “And not to mention all that labored breathing as I waited through the instrumental breaks! I sound like hurricane season in South fucking Carolina. Might be best to quit the band entirely to save on future medical bills during recording sessions. Somebody get a surgeon in here to extract my vocal cords, I don’t deserve them any longer.”
Recording engineer Lyle “L-Train” Greybar was reportedly confused over how a seasoned vocalist could have such a reaction to their own voice.
“I still don’t understand it. Wouldn’t you want to laser in on your craft, to get the best possible take? Usually the acts I work with are eager to hear how they’re doing. This has given me a lot to think about,” said Greybar, from the hospital waiting area. “Not only that, but I don’t think the studio has the budget for this trip to the emergency room, man. You see, some say autotune is ruining the entire industry, but it’s actually saving some singers from the harsh reality of hearing their own lackluster voice and losing consciousness as a result.”
Dr. Melanie Frith-Jensen of Kent County Hospital paints a foreboding picture of Lincoln’s possible outcome.
“We’re certainly not out of the woods yet, that’s certain. The patient’s high confidence level combined with the considerably low natural talent resulted in a particularly mortifying take. One of the worst I’ve ever seen in my entire medical history,” said Dr. Frith-Jensen. “Looking over his charts, I’d say if he makes it out of here, and that’s a big, big if, then I’d advise him to steer clear of any recording equipment for at least six to eight months. This span of time is recommended not only so he can recuperate physically, but it should give his bandmates some space for serious reflection, to really make sure they want someone like this fronting their group.”
At press time, the track had found its way to social media, leading teens on TikTok to clown Lincoln right onto life support.