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We Ranked the Top 10 Lifetime Songs Because We’re Stuck in Traffic on The New Jersey Turnpike Again, and It Smells Like Crap

If you ask the average lame-ass normie to name the best bands that have come from New Jersey they would inevitably say Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi (Fun Fact: If you play “Living on a Prayer” anywhere in NJ eight drunken women from Bergen County will magically appear to sing the chorus as loud as humanly possible directly into your ear canal) But if you ask someone cool they will say The Misfits, The Bouncing Souls, and Thursday and if they’re really down they will say Lifetime. Starting off more as an emo-type band in the early ‘90s and evolving into a sound of their own that mixed poppier punk elements (but NOT pop punk) with melodic hardcore sounds, they became a favorite of the aging, sarcastic punks who live in this God-forsaken state. And since we are on the turnpike moving slower than the plotline to season six of “The Sopranos” we decided to rank their ten best songs.

10. “Ghost”

So right off the bat, we’re going to piss people off with this one. Lifetime themselves have disavowed the entire album “Background” and on the rare occasion they play a show won’t do any of the songs from it. They even remastered (and possibly re-recorded parts?) to fix what they probably thought were bad decisions at the time. But this song sounds like a proto-“Hello Bastards” era jam to us.

9. “Northbound Breakdown”

After an almost ten-year hiatus Lifetime returned with their self-titled album in 2007. Their sound had been polished a bit more than most had remembered and ironically ended up sounding similar to bands they had directly influenced like Saves The Day and New Found Glory. The opening song though is a catchy sing-along toe-tapper. Ironically, we’re in this traffic jam because of a broken-down Honda Civic in the Northbound lane.

8. “Dwell”

This is from their first seven-inch and is their most teen-angsty emo phase. Wait, wait! Hear us out… it’s fucking adorable. “I cry / Open up the sky” EEK! Those are actual lyrics! This is another one from their back catalog you will never hear them play live but we love it. We can’t decide what our favorite part is – The gang vocals right before the emo-y mosh-y part at the end or the fact that their logo on the cover of the seven-inch was typed out in Papyrus. Aww, so cute! Don’t you just want to pinch their little cheeks?

7. “Isae Aldy Beausoleil”

This song is named after a French-Canadian mass murderer (don’t worry, we can search Wikipedia while driving because again – we’re barely moving) and if you say it out loud it sounds like nonsense which actually makes sense because singer Ari Katz sounds like he has marbles in his mouth.

6. “Theme Song For A New Brunswick Basement Show”

Originally released on the Antimatter Compilation and later on “Jersey’s Best Dancers” this song tells the tale of the excitement, boredom and drama of seeing your crush in a dank basement show in the sort-of city of New Brunswick. And hey, at the rate we’re moving we should be passing the exit for it in only four more hours!

5. “Starsixtynine”

First of all no, this is not some sexual innuendo so get your head out of the gutter, pervert. You see kids, when you had a landline phone and you missed a call if you hit *69 it would dial back the last number that called you. Anyway this was on their “Tinnitus” seven-inch which ironically some people probably have from listening to this too loud on their Walkman. Maybe even a talented, handsome, and possibly delusional geriatric The Hard Times writer.

4. “Ostrichsized”

For some reason there was a real fascination in the ‘90s hardcore scene with “The Outsiders.” We’re not here to decide whether or not it’s some kind of working-class Shakespearean tragedy or just overly simplistic drivel but bands sure did like to put samples from it in their songs.

3. “25 Cent Giraffes”

From this point on in this ranking we’re bouncing back and forth between two albums like what this fucknut with Pennsylvania plates in front of us is doing with the lanes. “Philly is in the other direction, fucking idiot!” Anyway this is another song about going to a show and if you close your eyes and pretend you’re not creeping along in a metal coffin you can almost hear the crowd sing along to that opening.

2. “Rodeo Clown”

If you thought we were done ranking Lifetime songs that are about going to a show you’re fucking stupid! Sorry, we’re irritable from being miles from the nearest rest stop and really have to pee, and maybe shit. My insides are so fucked up I can’t even tell anymore. It could probably be argued this is actually the best Lifetime song but again, we really have to go and are just trying to wrap this up before we piss ourselves.

1. “Young, Loud, and Scotty”

Well, we did it, folks, we’ve arrived at our destination! Not us in this soul-killing parade of the bridge and tunnel crowd obviously but all of us on this list. Lifetime was a few years too early with this one. If it had come out in the early oughts it probably would’ve been a legit radio hit. But the kind hardcore kids would still admit to liking unlike the Sum41’s or whatever of the time.