WASHINGTON — Local man Michael Korey spent the last couple of days frantically searching for a second job after seeing multiple Goldendoodles around his neighborhood, sources who checked their bank account to see if they could weather the storm confirmed.
“I really thought I’d have security in this part of town for like two, maybe three more years. But then all of these young, affluent white couples came out of nowhere with these designer dogs,” said Korey. “I can’t afford to pay more in rent, not when the price of literally everything goes up by like ten bucks a day. I could maybe swing a $50 month increase, but by the looks of these people and their stupid dogs moving into my building, I’m going to need to take out a loan just to get a scoop of ice cream. I already had to move from my last place due to the influx of French Bulldogs. Can’t seem to catch a break.”
Korey’s landlord Scott Manchester confirmed his suspicions that rent would be going up.
“Oh, we are absolutely raising Michael’s rent by as much as legally possible,” said Manchester while shooting pictures of his tenants with a paintball gun to pass the time. “The average income of our tenants is going way up and, as a landlord, I want in on that. All we have to do is put a few cheap chairs on the roof, call it a ‘community lounge’ or some bullshit, and we can easily charge these losers another $150 a month as well as first and last month’s pet rent. Now I have to go lobby the city to let me raise the pet deposit to $500.”
Local Goldendoodle breeder Susan Hart does not understand why the demand is so high, but she is happy to keep breeding them.
“Sales have been through the roof, but personally I have no idea why anyone would want one of these things,” said Hart. “They’re not good dogs. Most of them are riddled with health problems, they have bad tempers, and they aren’t even really hypoallergenic. I’ll keep doing it as long as people keep buying them though. Right now there’s a waitlist. You could literally go to the shelter right now and get a dog for like 15 bucks, but if people want to wait two years and drop four grand on one of these things, be my guest.”
At press time, Korey’s concern was even more intensified after seeing a couple walking one of those brown Corgis with a tail.