Poly Woman Struggles to Find Different Group Chat to Bitch About Each Partner

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Polyamorous woman Leanne Farina is experiencing the struggle of finding a different group chat in which to bitch about each of her romantic partners, local reports confirmed.

“People always think being poly must be so hard. It’s really not much different than managing emotions in a monogamous relationship, where jealousy, triggers, and whose turn it is to wash the dishes are also something you have to navigate,” said Farina while doomscrolling her contacts list on her phone. “What is a struggle is not annoying the shit out of my friends every time one of my partners does something asinine. That’s truly the hardest part about the whole deal. You can’t overload one group chat with too much relationship talk. You’ve got to spread it out to avoid friendship fatigue.”

Matthew Fleming, friend of a poly person, shared what it’s like being in a group chat that fields complaints about multiple partners.

“It’s a real issue in the ‘friend of poly person’ community,” said Fleming. “It does get annoying and overwhelming, but, at the same time, I try to be sympathetic. We all deserve to complain about our boyfriends. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Not text people when he says he’s never heard of Steve Urkel? With whom are you to discuss what he could possibly have been doing with every ‘Did I do that?’ reference he’s encountered? So, as an ally, sometimes I pick up extra shifts and I’ll field complaints about Chris even though I’m a designated Nathan venter.”

Sandra Woods, an expert on Poly Sociology, spoke about how this issue arose and its wider implications.

“The research in this field continues to show that a struggle exists because while human romantic relationships have continued to evolve, group chats have stayed largely the same,” said Woods. “There are only group chat advancements every five years or so. The last, of course, being the Horny Chain Texts that go out on holidays and other special occasions. In order for a text-based support system to fulfill a person’s needs, there needs to be an evolution in the way group chats either operate or form. As it stands, you would need to be on bitching terms with 10-20 people just to satisfy group chat etiquette for five partners.”

As this issue continues to develop, reports say there is opportunity opening up for side gigs fielding relationship complaints as a poly person’s friend.

Crazy! This Divorced Dad Says His 16-Year-Old Daughter Is Too Young To Date, but His 20-Year-Old Girlfriend Is Mature Beyond Her Years

Posted on by Tyler Roland

Meet 56-year-old Don Harlow of Milford, Connecticut. In the wake of his divorce, Harlow has found solace in dating 20-year-old Jenna Fairmont. As his marriage crumbled, Harlow met the then 19-year-old Fairmont in Last Resort, a local bar popular with low-lifes and underage drinkers. It only took one drunken night of flirtation for him to know that she was the one.

“I saw her and her hot friend in the bar downtown, kinda twisted the bartender’s arm to accept her fake [I.D.],” Harlow told us. “But I admire Jenna for her brains, not just her beauty. She knows who Bob Dylan is! She was all excited, telling me that Kylie Jenner was dating him.”

“She’s mature beyond her years,” Harlow tells us. “I see a bit of [ex-wife] Christie in her. Every time Jenna and I have a date night, it’s like I’m back to when we first met, around ‘86…she takes me there, baby!”

Fairmont, whose father is three years younger than Harlow, concurs that she’s something of an old soul herself.

“Oh, yeah. I’m one of those BookTok girlies, for sure. Like, I listen to audiobooks at 2x speed. Donny is a sweetie. He totally gets me.”

But get this: Harlow’s 16-year-old daughter, Claire, is too young to date! “She’s my princess. A vessel of purity,” Harlow remarked. “I don’t know if I can ever see her dating anyone,” he added. “She’ll never go to prom. All boys are off the table.”

Harlow is careful to monitor any suspected interest Claire may have in the opposite sex. “I was suspicious when I saw her using Hinge, this app full of older men, but she told me it’s just used to find local door installers.”

While Harlow refuses to let any man, young or anywhere close to his age, near Claire, he has no such reservations about his son, Sam. “Sam is 12, but he’s turning 13 in a month,” Harlow says, eager to tell us his plans for the soon-to-be teenager.

“I’m gonna have the ‘start hooking up with 16-year-olds’ talk with him on his birthday…right after I give him the premium Brazzers subscription.”

New Black Flag Members Mostly Just There to Help Greg Ginn Uninstall His Abundance of Browser Toolbars

Posted on by Noah Dominguez

AUSTIN, Texas — Aging Black Flag founder and lead guitarist Greg Ginn mainly hired a bunch of Zoomers to be his new bandmates so he’d have someone to help him get rid of the abundance of unnecessary browser toolbars he’s installed on his PC over the years, sources within SST Records confirmed.

“I’ll admit, I was a bit confused when my audition ended up being two minutes of singing followed by an hour of Greg grilling me about how good I am with computers,” new Black Flag vocalist Max Zanelly confessed. “It’s not a bad gig, though. I have to do the same thing for my grandpa all the time, so I figured I might as well get paid for it. Besides, purging Greg’s PC of malware definitely beats band practice. We usually only get a few songs in before he sits us all down in a circle and makes us listen to him play the theremin. He typically starts to nod off after that.”

Ginn himself explained that hiring bandmates who grew up in the internet age just made practical sense.

“Mike V used to handle all the AOL stuff when he wasn’t causing all that infernal racket with that skateboard of his, anyway. But he’s only 16 years younger than me, for goodness’ sake! These new kids really know a thing or two about browsing the information superhighway, let me tell you! I bet they can even help our next album go ‘viral’ on that ‘TikTok’ forum,” Ginn said as new drummer Bryce Weston and bassist David Rodriguez stared vacantly into the distance, seemingly already numb to this sort of thing. “That was my main reason for hiring them. The fact that they’re also musicians who can help me record the album was just a convenient bonus!”

Local music fan and social media manager Donny Gribbin says he can see how this problem arose, and where Ginn is coming from.

“Like many senior citizens, Greg tends to just click ‘yes’ on every prompt his computer gives him, then wonders why he suddenly has 37 toolbars and keeps getting redirected to scam sites that use comic sans,” Gribbin said. “Struggling with technology just kind of goes with the territory of getting older – and being a Ginn, for that matter. I mean, have you ever seen Raymond try to tweet? I can see why Greg would want some tech-savvy youths around. It certainly makes a lot more sense than him wanting every Black Flag show to look like he’s a high school janitor who got roped into filling in on guitar for the kid who got sick just before the battle of the bands.”

At press time, former Black Flag vocalist and “What The…” album cover artwork creator Ron Reyes was reportedly thinking about reaching out to Ginn’s new bandmates so they could teach him to be better at MS Paint.

Death Metal Guitarist Adds Beautifully Melodic, Neo-Classical Solo to Song About Necrophilia

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WATERVILLE, Maine — Lead guitarist Lloyd Weil of band Visceral Stench surprised his bandmates by adding an unbelievably intricate solo to their song “Molestation of Entrails,” sources report.

“I had written this solo a couple weeks ago, and this seems like the perfect song for it,” Weil mentioned. “I’m really influenced by guitarists like Andy LaRocque and Randy Rhoads, so I like to incorporate a lot of their style into my playing. I joined this band because I like to play metal, but I don’t pay much attention to what our songs are about. I leave things like lyrics and subject matter to the other guys, and will just idly noodle on my guitar while they’re writing them. I’m here to write sick riffs and solos, and let them handle the rest. Hopefully the song is about how love finds a way.”

Frontman and chief lyricist Calvin Hoffman reacted to Weil’s solo.

“I was really blown away, and befuddled, by Lloyd’s solo,” Hoffman admitted. “I knew he didn’t really care what our songs are about, but he definitely has to know how gruesome the lyrics are. I mean, he was in the room with me while I was writing lines about sneaking into a cemetery and digging up a corpse for, um, romantic purposes. We definitely appreciate how much thought he was putting into his solos, but man. It’s definitely not necessary. We’d be perfectly fine with just some short, whammy bar-heavy Kerry King solo, or even no solo at all. He’s doing a great job, but sooner or later he’s going to realize that he’s way out of our league and go audition for Megadeth or something.”

Heavy metal expert Rosalinda Cuevas provided her opinion on the matter.

“This genre of music has a myriad of examples of uncharacteristically beautiful passages incorporated into otherwise heavy songs or albums,” Cuevas offered. “Take the intro to ‘Into the Coven’ by Mercyful Fate or the acoustic interlude ‘Desolate Ways’ off Morbid Angel’s ‘Blessed Are the Sick’ album. It can be quite jarring for listeners to hear such disparate styles of music presented together, but metalheads can be much more eclectic than people expect them to be. With that being said, I’ve never heard a solo this majestic put to a song about having sex with a corpse, but I suppose there’s a first time for everything.”

At press time, Weil added a touching and thoughtful acoustic outro to a song about being disemboweled through the anus.

Opinion: We Need To End the Impossible Happiness Standards Perpetuated by People in Taco Bell Commercials

Posted on by Chris Bowen

How many times have you been watching TV when a Taco Bell commercial comes on showing hot, smiling twenty-somethings “chilling” and “laughing” and you think to yourself, “How are these people made so happy, with so many horrendous things going on around them, by a simple Nachos Bell Grande?” I like the Bell as much as anyone, but it sure as hell doesn’t make me want to constantly wear a smile on my creamy jalapeño sauce-covered face.

Sure, maybe good-looking young people occasionally make a border run here and there, but what about the large portion of Bell fans that go there because it’s just convenient? The partner who needs something decent to scarf down before going to their in-laws who are god-awful at cooking? Or the construction worker who needs a quick bite to eat that will also give them an excuse to sit on the toilet 80% of the day, leaving the job up to the rest of the crew? These people aren’t happy, they are desperate. Desperate like you and I.

Instead, I always see young people, full of life, without one single care in the world, lounging around and partying on beach chairs to fun ska music, eating perfectly designed 7-Layer Burritos without dropping so much as one piece of cheese on the ground (a piece of cheese that will undoubtedly never melt, even in 90 degree heat). Just once I’d like to see an ad showing someone running five minutes late to their doctor’s appointment, attempting to stuff their face while in traffic, struggling to fight back the rage of dumping nacho cheese sauce all over the interior of their car and themselves. You know, like every other person

These commercials are fanning the flames of bizarre, fast-food-related happiness standards that I believe need to be toned down a notch. They don’t necessarily have to show sad folks all the time, because Taco Bell can provide a small sense of joy in a world that oftentimes gives a person no reason to be happy. I just want to see the real folks who hoof down their cravings box with a furrowed brow, tears, or a look of pure rage in their eyes. Maybe chicken nuggets at Taco Bell are enough to make Gen Z forget about their big term paper due, or the inevitable nuclear apocalypse, but let’s not confuse that for the majority of us. Oh, and please no more “Nuggative Nelly” ads.

Heroic Millennial Goes to Show On a Monday Night Despite Being a Little Tired

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Local 41-year-old Teddy Moore is being hailed as a hero after multiple witnesses confirmed he attended a local punk show on a Monday night despite being a little tired.

“I don’t know what’s come over me, but I am absolutely crushing being out and awake on a Monday. I made a split-second decision to go out tonight, and I must be running on pure adrenaline because I’m three beers and eight songs into the main act and I haven’t even glanced at my watch once. I feel like I could stand on the outskirts of the pit all night,” said Moore. “Somebody has to stand up against their own aging bodies and pointless 8 a.m. Tuesday morning meetings, so why not me? I’m going to make it until the end of the show even if it means taking a nap in my car during lunch tomorrow. I have to prove to myself, and the scene, that I’m not boring and lame.”

Show attendees were astonished by Moore’s heroism.

“A few of us clocked that guy when he walked in and figured there was no way in hell he was making it past the first opener. When you see someone stretching before the show and joking that they’re ‘out on a school night,’ you’d assume they’re DOA. I wouldn’t believe it unless I saw it with my own eyes, but it’s 9:45 and he only yawned once. This dude might be the most locked in 40-something in history,” said Jeff Thompson. “The crowd is completely in awe of Ted right now. If he can power through the headliner’s set without nodding off or eyeing the exit, this place is going to go crazy.”

Local emergency services workers at the venue recalled similar acts of heroism at shows.

“Most millennials I’ve seen can’t make it halfway through all these 20th anniversary tours without leaving before the melatonin kicks in. But people can do amazing things when they’re in a ‘fight or flight’ situation,” said paramedic Chris Langley. “There’s something about seeing a mother of three crowdsurfing at a show on only 7 hours of sleep or a married couple slamming shots with only 45 minutes until their kid’s babysitter has to go home. It is inspiring.”

As of press time, it was announced that Moore has been awarded the key to the city after making it through two encore songs before calling his Uber.

How To Tell if Rick Rubin Is Producing Your Album or Just Simply Napping

Posted on by Kyle Donley

So Rick Rubin is producing your next album. Fantastic news! He’s a musical genius known for unconventional production methods such as transcendental snacking and recumbent unconscious listening. But how can you tell if he’s actively producing your album in a deep meditative trance or if he’s just sleepy after a big lunch?

Don’t worry, The Hard Times has got you covered! Please refer to our comprehensive guide below to help you identify the proper context clues and navigate this challenging scenario like a pro!

Did Rick just have lunch or a large snack?

If the answer is yes, chances are Rick is napping. If you are unsure, survey the area for clues (Are there crumbs in his beard? Is he using a half-eaten bag of Sun Chips as a pillow? Et cetera)

Is Rick wrapped in a blanket?

He’s probably sleeping. If you notice he’s brought his own blanket, he’s definitely sleeping. If it’s more of a throw blanket that was already on the couch, take note of the room’s temperature and use your best judgement.

Is the couch pushed all the way up to the mixing console?

He’s almost certainly producing. Don’t worry, he knows not to touch the faders.

Is Rick muttering, and if yes, what is he muttering?

Muttering is normally a good sign that Rick is semi-conscious or at the very least in a fugue-like state. However, it is essential to pay close attention to what he is muttering, as well. If it’s more along the lines of “Hell yeah” and “Now we’re getting somewhere”, he is almost certainly producing. However, if he’s saying stuff like “Nana, they don’t make shoes that small, it’s no use” he may very well be sleeping.

Are the lights turned off?

This is a tricky one. If the lights are turned off he could be sleeping or he might just be trying to set the vibe. Take note of the vibe. Is there a hookah in the room? Is he wearing a cool hat? Proceed with caution.

Is Rick hooked up to a CPAP machine?

He’s sleeping.

Overall he’s sleeping most of the time, but sometimes he’s producing, and in one very specific case he did both, producing Stadium Arcadium entirely in his sleep “Weekend At Bernies” style. We hope this informative guide has been helpful for aspiring musicians everywhere looking for Rick Rubin to take credit for their work.

New ICE Recruitment Ad Just “Click Click Boom” Playing Over Video of Mexican Kid’s Birthday Party

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — ICE unveiled a new recruitment ad today that was just Saliva’s “Click, Click, Boom” playing at an insanely loud volume over a video of a Mexican kid’s birthday party, sources confirmed.

“Look at little Guillermo smugly enjoying his birthday party, not a care in the world—that should be your cake, your nine-year old friends, your loving family singing you happy birthday, but instead this border hopping piece of shit took all that from you,” said ICE recruiter Clark Gibson, shouting over the Saliva soundtrack. “So what are we gonna do about it, huh? Sit back and let violent hordes of nine-year old illegals steal our birthday presents? Or are we gonna raid this Chuck E. Cheese, kick some grade school ass, and break up some motherfuckin’ families?”

Clint Hendricks, director of the recruitment video, broke down the artistic decisions that brought his vision to life.

“When I was conceptualizing this video I really wanted to show that the ICE agency is radical law enforcement for the Trump era, coming down with the new style, and you know it’s buck wild,” said Hendricks, stroking his soul patch. “See the pinata represents the American dream, which the foreign children beat with sticks until they can steal everything for themselves. And here you’ll notice the tasteful use of crosshairs over the kid’s pregnant aunt. Now some critics have complained that the use of ‘Click, Click, Boom’ might suggest we’re promoting violence towards children, and to those people I would say: we originally wanted ‘Seek and Destroy,’ but getting the rights from Metallica was way too expensive.”

ICE Director Todd Lyons hinted that future recruitment videos would be coming soon to boost enrollment.

“After waging trench warfare against the immigrant hordes in Los Angeles, we knew we were going to need to boost our recruitment numbers if we had any chance of eradicating this foreign contagion. Thankfully, we’ve got some new recruitment videos that make ‘Birth of a Nation’ look like ‘In the Heights,'” said Lyons. “We’re in contact with Drowning Pool to use ‘Bodies’ in a new community outreach campaign, but we’ve also got something special planned for the beginning of football season. Remember those Terry Tate: Office Linebacker commercials on ESPN? Picture that but with ICE agents brutalizing Venezuelan grandmas in a nursing home, pure cinema.”

At press time, Lyons had reportedly commissioned a new ICE training video that was just the first half of “American History X.”

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Determining The Viability Of Fleeing To Canada

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another week filled with devastating heat, threats of World War III, and even worse, a new Benson Boone album. You might be wondering how to escape. While we don’t have any concrete plans outside of staring directly at the sun while violently screaming, we do have some new music for you. Here are six songs our staff listened to this week while fighting off a constant and collective low-grade panic attack.

Motion City Soundtrack ‘She Is Afraid’

It’s been nearly a decade since Motion City Soundtrack called it quits before promptly going on more tours than most indie bands do in their entire careers. The band’s last uttering of new music occurred in 2015 with their album ‘Panic Stations.’ This all changed last week with the announcement of a new record ‘The Same Old Wasted Wonderful World’ and lead single ‘She Is Afraid,’ leading to all of your English major friends letting out muted but unmistakable screams of unbridled joy.

The Beths ‘No Joy’

New Zealand indie rock quartet The Beths continue to tease their upcoming full-length ‘Straight Line Was a Lie’ with the new single ‘No Joy.’ For a song with such heavy subject matter, it’s one of the more upbeat tracks we’ve heard from the indie rockers. If you make a point to not listen to the lyrics at all you might even start doing that weird little dance at your desk that your coworkers can totally see despite your concealment efforts.

Between the Buried And Me ‘Things We Tell Ourselves In The Dark’

For a song titled ‘Things We Tell Ourselves In The Dark,’ Between the Buried And Me’s first new track in nearly half a decade could be a lot more depraved by our staff’s horrifying standards. Not to say that the band’s blend of prog, metal, and avant-garde rock isn’t shocking in its own right, it’s just that a lot of our interns are concerningly morbid people. Regardless, the track is a total trip and maybe the first song we’ve heard in a while that makes a bass solo sound tolerable.

The Armed ‘Kingbreaker’

You might be tempted to start shopping for new headphones, stereo equipment, or an ENT doctor within a few seconds of The Armed’s new single ‘Kingbreaker.’ We’re here to save you money, time, and sanity by assuring you the song just sounds like that. The Detroit punk collective has been known to push stylistic bounds, but this track takes things up a notch. Imagine being in a perfectly triangulated position that allows you to hear every stage at a noise festival simultaneously and you’ll be in the ballpark here.

Sanguisugabogg ‘Abhorrent Contraception’

The great thing about the written medium is that we don’t even have to attempt to pronounce Sangis… wait… Shishke… no… wait we got this… Sanguisugabogg! Nailed it. Anyway, the overnight death metal sensations announced ‘Hideous Aftermath’ their highly anticipated follow-up album to 2023’s instant classic ‘Homicidal Ecstasy.’ The lead single ‘Abhorrent Contraception’ continues to cement their status as genre toppers while proving they actually do know how to think of titles that are pronounceable and easy to read.

Wednesday ‘Wound Up Here (By Holdin On)’

It wouldn’t quite feel like summer without some sludgy guitars that seem to evoke both a cool breeze and smothering humidity at the same time. Fortunately, Wednesday has us covered with their latest, ‘Wound Up Here (By Holdin On).’ In true Wednesday fashion, the song features earnest and vulnerable lyricism that sits on top of a wall of guitars seemingly fighting to be the first to break out of your speakers. It’s crunchy as hell, and woozier than you were after mowing the lawn this week.

Need more? Well, fuck off. Sorry, it’s really hot out still and we’re kind of cranky about it. Here’s a playlist that has every song we’ve listened to this year. It pairs well with stuffing a bunch of ice cubes under your hat and dousing your body with cooler water.