Childhood Trauma Rebranded as “How Things Were Done in Those Days” by Your Parents

Posted on by Matt Oriente

MOSES LAKE, Wash. — Your parents announced that your childhood trauma will now be officially rebranded as “how things were done in those days,” confirmed sources currently discussing this in therapy.

“We just want to make sure things are viewed in the right light now that our children are grown adults with opinions,” explained your dad. “Did it really matter that I didn’t hug my kids enough? Honestly, I thought that’s what their grandparents were for. But again—that’s just the way it was in those days. Things like putting your career first to climb the corporate ladder and making as much money as possible for yourself was what you did. The reality was, sitting in an auditorium watching my two-year-old’s dance recital wasn’t going to pay the mortgage on our house that we paid $1,000 for. Now that house is worth $3.5 million.”

You understandably were concerned that the rebrand downplays the more significant moments of your childhood.

“We obviously don’t agree with the revamped memories, as it doesn’t allow for any sort of resolution or healthy dialogue with my parents to come to a mutual understanding,” you said. “I’ve talked to both my parents about this, and the moment you call them out, they just get this glazed over look in their eye and say ‘it is what it is,’ as if that explains why they still won’t tell me they’re proud of me. It’s frustrating.”

Donna Loverly, a researcher at UCLA studying the effects of childhood trauma on the population, thinks the issue isn’t so black and white.

“Defining and encapsulating ‘childhood trauma’ is complicated,” Loverly said. “Some kids legitimately go through significant psychological challenges that change them on a deep level. But what others view as childhood trauma can’t always be classified as that at all. It’s often just scenarios where the child wasn’t the absolute center of the universe for everyone around them and not realizing they are being extremely annoying. In those cases, we found that parents just needed a breather—always being ‘on’ as a parent is exhausting. It’s ok to take a few days or weeks off from parenting here and there for some quality ‘you’ time. That’s what I did and almost some of my adult kids still call me.”

At press time, you stated that you had no plans to have children but were set to marry someone this summer who, you admitted, reminds you a little too much of your dad.

Opinion: Fuck It, 2026 Will Be My Year

Posted on by Tyler Roland

Well, it’s a week into 2025, and let’s just cut the bullshit right here, right now. Fuck it, 2026 will be my year. 2025 is just not it.

Just thirteen minutes into the new year, I knew the next twelve months were toast. I drunk-texted my ex, we’ve all been there, right? Well, she just unloaded this huge update on me. Turns out the new guy popped the question when the ball dropped and they’re getting hitched in February. That’s Valentine’s Day already messed up. Clearly the first week of 2025 was not the right week to quit Big Macs. Also drinking.

I figured I would just take a knee for the week and go at me new year new me plan full force on January 8th, but wouldn’t you know it, my mom texted me. Turns out my brother wiped out his student loans and got a huge promotion on his first day back after the holidays, and instead of just being happy for him she had all sorts of questions about when I was going to “make something” out of myself. Well Mom, right now as a matter of fact, but since you decided to trigger me like that it looks like another week of Big Macs and booze for me! Also lethargy.

Just looking at this upcoming year, I should have known this would not be the one. I just checked the calendar and my birthday, June 13th, is on a Friday this year. What a fucking drag. Call me superstitious, but to me that’s just a bad omen that says another lazy year of booze and Big Macs. Also, pretty sure I’m losing my job.

My whole plan in 2025 was nonstop entrepreneuring, but all of my ideas are falling apart right before my eyes. Like making a mini-golf chain called “Golf of America,” that ain’t happening now.

Oh, well. 2026 is for sure gonna be my time to shine. I’ll get to work on a bunch of ideas that’ll pay off by 2030. Maybe do some crypto investing with my newfound fortune around 2032. By 2036…maybe 2040-ish…you’ll be sorry you ever doubted me.

Dipshit Out on Walk With Headphones Definitely Picturing Self in Opening Scene of Movie

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

WEST HARTFORD, Conn. — Disturbed onlookers rolled their eyes as local bozo Sturgill Lacey clearly envisioned himself in an opening film’s montage due to the music he was listening to, sickened sources confirmed.

“I mean, we can’t really hear what he’s listening to in his headphones, but, c’mon, the guy is clearly imagining that he’s the main character of the planet today. Jauntily skipping over puddles, and petting every dog he comes across. I guess the plot is about a man who unites his entire community through cringing?” lamented local coffee shop owner Imani Hempstead, as she made eye contact with a customer as if to say “I know, right?” “Ah jeez, did you see that? He just said ‘bonjour’ to the baker across the street, like he’s Belle or something! Someone needs to kick this dude’s ass. Now that, I’d watch!”

Lacey’s response did little to combat the town’s suspicion.

“Sorry, can’t talk now! On my way to my high-powered job as a corporate lawyer, maybe! Or perhaps today’s the day I win back my lost love, the one that got away because I just couldn’t give her what she deserved, until today!” murmured Lacey, as the plodding strains of the Buzzcocks’ “Why Can’t I Touch It?” blasted faintly from his earbuds. “Hell, I may even need to do some of this commute in slow motion. Ah, bonjour monsieur bread baker! How are vous today, mon frere! Ah, can’t talk long, ze chorus, she is coming back up!”

As luck would have it, the film crew behind the upcoming 24-hour Truman Show-esque documentary series on Lacey titled “Simply Sturgill” admitted this wasn’t in their plan.

“This dummy’s ruining the whole show! It’s sucking the fun out of everything now that he’s pretending to actually be filmed. We need a guy who doesn’t think that would happen at all!” said director of photography Michaela Windstrom-Linz. “And if he starts singing along, our music licensing budget surely doesn’t cover an actual Buzzcocks song. Damn, I knew I should have taken that three-camera sitcom job over at CBS. Reality TV, man, it really is ruining everything.”

At press time, the imagined movie in question ended up having only enough footage for a short film, as Lacey thankfully got creamed by a city bus.

NYPD Unveils AI Surveillance Program to Help Them Arrest Wrong Guy 70% Faster

Posted on by Matt Husser

NEW YORK — The New York City Police Department unveiled a new AI surveillance program that promised to help them arrest the wrong guy 70% faster, law enforcement official sources confirmed.

“Crime sure feels like it’s at an all-time high, and that’s why the NYPD is proud to introduce our revolutionary new ‘AI in the Sky’ surveillance program that is guaranteed to get somebody—anybody—behind bars in under 24 hours,” said NYPD Chief Lou Maddrey, visibly struggling to keep Mayor Adams from taking the microphone during his press conference. “With the time that AI will save us on pesky detective work, we’ll be able to allocate twice as many officers to perp walk shackled fare evaders. We’re confident that this incredible technology will be instrumental in justifying why we need our budget to increase to $10 billion next year.”

New York City resident Terrell Jones was reportedly impressed with how quickly he was arrested after the AI tool pinpointed him, despite the fact that he did not actually commit the crime.

“I thought it would be impossible for me to have mugged that lady in Central Park since I was on a flight back to NYC from Toronto when it happened, but with the groundbreaking power of artificial intelligence it turns out I’m actually guilty—is there anything AI can’t do?” said Jones. “I’m on the flight manifest and everything, but if AI said I did it then I guess it must have been me. I hope my lawyer knows some good prompts to ask ChatGPT for a criminal defense strategy!”

Senior AI Engineer Thomas Paulson explained how the “AI in the Sky” program could pinpoint a suspect for any crime in just seconds.

“First, our proprietary algorithm searches the probability matrix and cross-references billions of facial recognition results within the quantum nexus. Then through the magic of AI, our program selects someone at random, and voila! There’s your suspect,” said Paulson, demonstrating the surveillance tool. “With a 100% arrest rate using our program, we can confidently say that AI will be the future of police work. Now we’ve heard some worrywarts describe our use of AI-surveillance to pinpoint suspected criminals with words like ‘unfriendly’ and ‘techno-fascist police state’ so that’s why it comes with a charming avatar of an eagle named Ian wearing a police hat to make your AI-powered arrest feel more fun and personalized.”

At press time, Paulson was arrested after the AI pinpointed him as the culprit for JFK’s assassination, despite not being born until 1985.

5 Household Pets That I’ve Failed To Teach Karate To

Posted on by James Knapp

Karate—the perennial backup sport for kids who weren’t coordinated enough to play soccer. And what is a more direct comparison to an uncoordinated child than the average house pet. Well, I have attempted to teach karate to five of the noblest of man’s varied best friends and, as my father said to me after every little league game, several spelling bees, and one particularly disastrous bring-your-child-to-work day, “it was all an abysmal failure.”

Here are the top 5 pets that despite my very best efforts, are sadly not ninja.

5. Snake
I never had particularly high expectations for the snake, despite it being the inspiration for an entire kung fu movie fighting style and the icon behind Cobra Kai’s philosophy. Kata demo afte kata demo the snake failed to learn anything, save for deception and treachery, which it already had a huge head start on because it’s a snake. Still, its body made a pretty decent karate belt to hold the whole gi together.

4. Parrot
I’d have thought a parrot would be better at learning karate than most birds. I mean, their whole deal is that they’re supposed to copy whatever you tell them, I figured I could apply the same logic to its muscle memory. But all this jerk did was dance around his oversized seed bell while repeating the phrase “Do some goddamn karate already, you smartass bird!” He lacked discipline is what I’m saying.

3. House Cat
I thought this one was basically a layup. The world’s foremost karate masters pride themselves on having cat-like reflexes, so I figured he was born halfway there! Here’s the thing about cats, they have no loyalties. Sure, though their lithe bodies and ability to always claw at the most vulnerable part of your body may lend themselves to karate in theory, without the essential respect for their sensei. Fluffy pissed all over my house, scratched the hell out of my furniture, and worst of all refused to take his shoes off on my matt. He’s a cat, he’s not even supposed to wear shoes at all!

2. Tarantula
A tarantula felt like it should be an obvious choice to learn karate. Like, long limbs mean strong kicks, right? What I failed to take into account is that, despite being larger than most spiders, they are still relatively easy to kill with a shoe. And though karate is usually taught barefoot, at some point this is gonna spill out into the real world and where the hell is it gonna be then? Splattered all over the wall of a PetCo aquarium display? Actually yes, which brings me to my next house pet…

1. Goldfish
Well I’ll say this for Goldy, he tried his little fish heart out. But without hands or feet or a memory that lasts more than eleven seconds his karate move selection was always gonna be very limited. Still, I think he did manage to learn a couple of defensive moves, like hiding behind the 19th-century scuba diver figurine in his tank, before I blasted that tarantula all over the glass and he had a little fish heart attack. Again, apologies to everyone at PetCo for my behavior, and I promise this will all go so much better when I try to teach all those rescue dogs to play poker.

Drummer Wants More Creative Input on Where the Band Stops for Lunch

Posted on by Jeff Bender

LAUREL, Miss. — Drummer Keith Reed for the hard rock group Assistant Coach expressed a desire to contribute creatively to the band’s decisions about where they stop for lunch, sources reported.

“Usually it’s Tongue [McSwayne], our frontman, who decides where we dine,” said Reed, who also drives the van. “But lately, I don’t know. I’ve been on a creative tear about where we could get lunch. Sometimes I wanna just be like, ‘Hey, how do we all feel about Saladworks?’ or, ‘Anyone thinking Whole Foods right now?’ These creative impulses assault me, mostly because I see the restaurants as I drive, and I’m just trying to let them breathe. But when I mention something to Tongue, he just says he’ll consider it and to pull over at the next Arby’s.”

The Assistant Coach lead singer had an eye-roll approach to Reed’s creative outbursts.

“Keith means well,” said McSwayne. “But we’d never be where we are today if we’d listened to his ‘ideas’ every time we stopped for lunch, brunch, or even—let’s face it—an early dinner. His instincts are all wrong. The other day he suggested Jimmy John’s with a stop at Minit Mart for trail mix. I just tell him we’ll have a band meeting about it, but let’s be honest, we’re not gonna meet about it. We all know what happened when Metallica let Lars take them to Another Broken Egg Café. Three months later, out pops ‘St. Anger.’”

Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl offered some advice for Reed.

“Speaking as someone who’s been a drummer and a lead, I think it’s really important he tread lightly. Maybe make one small suggestion per week—and I’m talking conservative, like Cracker Barrel. Or maybe let Tongue ask, first, if anyone has ideas,” said the veteran, who’s in his fourth decade of navigating tour dynamics. “Could Keith be the next Phil Collins, calling out exciting and innovative lunch solutions when the frontman craps out? Sure. But he could also sink the band with his ‘creative input.’ As drummers, we need to keep to ourselves and do what they tell us—especially regarding dining options.”

At press time, McSwayne was in an IHOP parking lot auditioning new drummers to see how well they could shut up and drive the van.

Aging Punk Who Once Slept on Floors Now Obsessed With Memory Foam Mattress Reviews

Posted on by Antonio Cruise

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk scene veteran Chuck Rubenfeld, known for spending the better part of the ’90s passing out on floors across the tri-state area, reportedly become consumed by online memory foam mattress reviews, concerned sources confirmed.

“Look, back in ’96, I slept in a bathtub at a house show in Philly with three other guys after someone put a brick through the van window. But I’ve turned over a new leaf and prefer to watch Purple mattress commercials at 3:00 a.m. the way I used to watch punk documentaries,” said Rubenfeld, wincing from another sciatica flare-up. “But you know what? That cooling gel technology is way more revolutionary than anything Fugazi ever did. And don’t even get me started on reinforced edge support — it’s a game changer for getting in and out of bed with my bad knee.”

Cathy Rubenfeld, the scene veteran’s wife, felt nostalgic for her husband’s early days.

“He used to fuck me on the carpet floor of his apartment after Infest shows, and now I have to compete with Good Housekeeping articles for his attention,” said the wife of 12 years, as she watched her husband scroll through Serta reviews on his phone. “Last week I caught him making a spreadsheet comparing the tensile strength of different memory foam densities. Yesterday he called in sick to work because a Tempur-Pedic rep was doing a livestream about their new pressure-mapping technology. I miss when he was just obsessed with finding rare Gorilla Biscuits pressings on Discogs. At least then he’d leave the house to go to record stores.”

Dr. Elena Rodriguez, a cultural anthropologist specializing in aging subcultural demographics, says Rubenfeld’s case is far from unique.

“It starts innocently — maybe you bring a camping chair to an outdoor show,” explained Rodriguez. “Next thing you know, you’re comparing interest rates on zero-turn lawnmowers while wearing a zip-up hoodie from Costco. The transition from genuine punk to suburban dad who writes three-page reviews about mattress firmness is more common than you’d think. We call it ‘Domesticated Punk Disorder,’ or DPD.”

At press time, Rubenfeld was overheard berating a mattress store employee for suggesting memory foam and latex foam were “basically the same thing,” calling them a “fucking poser who probably sleeps on a futon.”

The Next Wahlburgers? This Unrepentant Racist Manages a Five Guys in East Boston!

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Reality TV has to be one of the most prominent vices in society today, and many people tend to be fans even if they don’t want to admit it. Whether it’s Survivor, the Real World, or The Amazing Race, we just can’t seem to get enough of these seemingly unscripted programs. “Wahlburgers” followed the Wahlberg family across ten seasons through the trials and tribulations of operating their eponymous burger restaurant in Boston, and if you were a big fan, have we got news for you! While the show unfortunately aired its final episode in the summer of 2019, we may have just found its successor!

Are you ready for this?

Meet 43-year-old Maxwell Wynne, who manages a Five Guys in the Eagle Hill neighborhood of East Boston. Much like the namesake of Wahlburgers, Wynne happens to be a completely unrepentant racist! Looks like A&E is going to have another gem on its hands once this guy is discovered!
Move over, Mark Wahlberg!

That’s right! 24 years ago, Wynne was perusing Carson Beach with his miscreant friends when they cruelly and needlessly assaulted several underserved schoolchildren who just happened to be playing volleyball nearby. Wynne was charged with and pled guilty to two counts of assault and battery and was sentenced to eight months in jail, but only served 45 days due to the racial and ethnic disparities in our country’s criminal justice system. Sounds pretty similar to a certain rapper turned actor turned reality television star, now, doesn’t it?

The similarities don’t end there. In 2018, Wynne feebly and unsuccessfully petitioned the State of Massachusetts for a pardon to his conviction, much like Wahlberg did in 2014. To this day, Wynne keeps the similarities going by also being suspiciously tight-lipped and evasive when his horrifying and despicable past is brought up, and it may be too good to be true, but there are also rumors that Wynne has been overheard by his employees making shocking and laughable remarks about his assumed ability to stop the September 11th attacks from occurring!

Whoa! We’ve surely got a star in the making!

While Wahlberg’s completely unwarranted and undeserved stardom has yet to rub off on Maxwell Wynne, we’re thinking it’s only a matter of time before he’s discovered. While it may or may not happen, one thing’s for certain: we’ll be tuning in if his incredibly dull and monotonous daily life is portrayed on a derivative and uninspired reality show like Wahlburgers. Fingers crossed!

Lifelong Fan of Black Metal Still Unsure if Liking Dimmu Borgir Is Acceptable

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong fan of black metal Karl Donner was reportedly unsure if his fandom of Norwegian stalwarts Dimmu Borgir was acceptable among his peers, sources confirmed.

“Yeah man, I’ve been a fan of black metal for as long as I can remember,” Donner mentioned. “It started when I heard Mayhem’s ‘Deathcrush’ EP when I was in middle school, and from there I got really into old Emperor, Darkthrone, and Immortal, and now I’m really into newer bands like Whoredom Rife and Murg. I’m not sure about Dimmu Borgir, though. I enjoy a lot of their music, but can I be an outspoken fan of them? I never got a clear answer to that question. I’ve heard some fans of black metal say that they suck, but a lot of other fans say they’re pretty good. I don’t think there’s ever really been a consensus in the community on how we should feel about them.”

Donner’s friend and fellow fan of black metal Kirk Arlin expressed a more confident view on the band.

“Dimmu Borgir are a bunch of posers,” Arlin said emphatically. “They’re Ozzfest-playing sellouts with over-produced symphonic attempts at black metal. All of their albums are dogshit. Well, maybe not all of them. ‘For All Tid’ and ‘Stormblast’ are pretty good. And I actually really like ‘Enthrone Darkness Triumphant.’ Some of their newer stuff is pretty good, too. I remember enjoying ‘Abrahadabra’ when it came out. I saw them live when I went to Wacken about a decade ago, and they put on a decent show. They definitely still suck, though. Like, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a Dimmu Borgir shirt.”

The band’s frontman Stian Tomt “Shagrath” Thoresen weighed in on the lack of common ground fans are able to find regarding his band.

“Honestly, I stopped worrying about that decades ago,” Thoreson noted. “I love black metal and have made a career out of it, but there really is no group of people more insufferable than fans of it. The second we became the slightest bit commercially successful and recorded our music with equipment better than a Sony Walkman from 1991, fans have been calling us sellouts and posers. At least we’re not a prog-rock band, though. Those fans are even worse.”

At press time, Donner was seen debating whether to take down his early Cradle of Filth albums before having his friends over.

Henry Kissinger Masterminds First Regime Change in Hell

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

HELL — The underworld is in chaos after a coup d’état orchestrated by the late American diplomat Henry Kissinger sent Satan into hiding and installed Walt Disney as the new Prince of Darkness, sources confirm.

“I don’t see why we need to stand by and watch such a vital piece of the afterlife continue down the same path. Who runs the underworld is too important to be left to God to decide,” said Kissinger in between pointing and laughing at images of dead children meant to drive him insane. “The coming eternity will bring much-needed stability and opportunities for prosperity. Construction is already underway on additional circles of hell to accommodate the forecasted increase in anguish and suffering. Following a brief bidding process, I’m hoping to have Lockheed-Martin as our security contractor.”

A spokesdemon for the rebel forces insisted that the fight would continue for as long as necessary.

“This isn’t over. The forces of evil are with us and we will be relentless and unmerciful until we are restored to our unrighteous position at the top,” the source, who preferred to remain anonymous, growled. “This Kissinger is more cruel and ambitious than we could have ever imagined. Unfortunately, when someone has no soul they cannot actually be tortured. We tried everything in our arsenal and if anything it just made him more evil. This will truly be the fight that determines the most evil ruler of Hell in our eternal lifetime.”

The regime change has shaken the theological podcasting world, with many top commentators agreeing that although yes, this is disruptive, it also marks an “opportunity.”

“If Satan’s regime couldn’t withstand those kinds of internal pressures then maybe it wasn’t as solid as we thought anyway. The guy had a good run, a legendary run, but time is undefeated and it turns out Kissinger is more evil than anyone realized,” Joe Rogan said in his most recent episode talking with Hell’s demon leader Marchosias. “Like, sure, I’m not rooting for the coup, but, you know, sometimes you gotta shake things up. Kissinger is just pulling from the same playbook he used in Chile in 1973, Satan should have read a history book. And if i’m being totally honest, America could take a cue from this. Plus you’ve got to admit it’s pretty fucking badass. ”

At press time, Kissinger was seen putting on a long overcoat and commenting about how Hell is a bit colder than he expected.

Photo by Kasa Fue.