Local Man Enters Involuntary-Groan-While-Sitting-Down Phase

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local 43-year-old Craig Peterson entered a new phase of life where he lets out an involuntary groan any time he sits down, sources who want to know where the Aleve is confirmed.

“I don’t really know what’s happening or why but it seems like whenever I go to take a load off this noise comes out of me that is somewhere between a sigh and a wince and it seems to be completely out of my control,” said Peterson. “And not only does that happen but if I sit down after standing for a long time I’ll let out the groan and follow it with a breathy ‘ahh boy.’ What is that? What does it even mean? For some reason I can’t stop saying it. Ahh boy.”

Peterson’s wife says she has noticed the groaning and can hear him doing it from every room in the house.

“The first time I heard him make that sound I ran to the living room to see if he was alright but he was just lounging on the couch. I asked him if something hurt and he said yes but that he honestly couldn’t say which area on his body it was,” says Jennifer Peterson. “It’s really the worst when I’m working from home and I’m on a call and in the background you can hear Craig letting out this utterance just because he settled into a chair. I try to cover for it by telling my coworkers that I just live in a haunted house but that only works some of the time. Can’t believe this is now my life for the next several decades. ”

Primary care physician Dr. Jane Berman says this is a common symptom she sees with patients of a certain age and that it may lead to further complications.

“We see this a lot where a patient enters into the middle years of their life and begins to exhibit odd new behaviors such as letting out a reflexive vocalization of discomfort from simply moving around or existing,” Dr. Berman said. “Other signs that patients have begun the slow descent after just passing the apex of life include starting to forget the names of actors from their favorite movies or using the flashlight on their phone to see the menu at a restaurant. These are clear signs that their long path of decline has just begun.”

At press time, Peterson was heard asking the barista at his local coffee shop if they wouldn’t mind turning the music down just a bit.

We Sat Down With the Wrong Flogging Molly and Now We Owe $600 to an Irish Dominatrix

Posted on by Alex Salcido

OK, so apparently our new intern Caleb is completely full of shit. We hired him because he said he could make an interview happen with legendary Celtic punkers Flogging Molly, but it quickly became obvious that he didn’t expect to have to fulfill this promise when we brought him on. Is this at least partially on us for having hired him on sight simply because we liked his Samhain shirt when we met him at Jersey Mike’s? Possibly, but he had to have foreseen this whole ordeal ending poorly when he used Craigslist personals to set up the interview.

So there we were, tablets in hand with questions at the ready, nervously awaiting Flogging Molly’s arrival. We’ve been fans since “Swagger,” so this was a really big opportunity for us. Suffice it to say we were taken aback when a red-haired woman dressed exclusively in black leather arrived at our offices in lieu of Dave King, and we immediately knew something had gone awry when we saw that she had brought with her ball gags, posture collars, whips, and something called a “fisting swing.”

It turns out she, too, adopted the entirely appropriate moniker “Flogging Molly” for her work as a dominatrix for hire, and she had driven to our Los Angeles offices all the way from Fullerton at Caleb’s behest. We tried to make the best of the situation by asking if she happened to know anyone in Flogging Molly, but she didn’t, and in fact had never even heard of them. Any pretenses of this session even remotely resembling an interview then went out the window when she rather rudely instructed us to don one of her gimp suits.

While this certainly wasn’t how we expected the afternoon to go, we’re never ones to turn down a new experience, so we acquiesced to Molly’s demands and endured the entire three-hour long session that Caleb had apparently scheduled. We won’t go into the details, but if you happen to be looking for a dominatrix in Southern California, we definitely recommend Flogging Molly.

Unfortunately, it never occurred to us during our painful and eye-opening time with Molly that she would be expecting recompense for her services, so we were a little dismayed upon receiving the $600 bill. There is currently no money in the Hard Times bank account after we drained it to pay Caleb’s sign-on bonus (really, really stupid of us, we know, but you should’ve seen how cool his Samhain shirt was) so we’ve now found ourselves in a bit of a financial quandary.

We definitely need to honor this outstanding payment, so please don’t be surprised when you see The Hard Times become a pay-per-article news site. It’s just until we can pay this debt to Flogging Molly, we promise.

Black Metal Band Maintains Their Dark Atmosphere While Playing Sparsely Populated Bowling Alley

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CAMILLUS, N.Y. — Local black metal band Bügnorkvlt shrouded a crowd with their evil, mystifying atmosphere, despite playing at a barely attended bowling alley, corpse-painted sources report.

“Being one of the only seven people there to watch them play their set, I must say I was impressed at how well they pulled it off,” show attendee Jill Crossgrove explained. “I felt like I was fully immersed in the cold, dark atmosphere they were presenting despite the fact there was a child’s birthday party happening in the lanes directly next to me. The kids didn’t seem to enjoy the fog machine or amateur pyrotechnics. The father of one of the children even complained about missing a 7-10 split because of the band. There’s just no way that was the reason.”

Bügnorkvlt’s bass player and founding member Todd “Goathammer” Snee admits he was a bit reluctant going into the gig.

“I didn’t think we had enough to convey the overwhelming dread we were going for, but I think we easily achieved total dominance over all that is light through our 20-minute set,” Snee said. “We weren’t allowed to wear our usual combat boots on the floor, so we had to rent shoes there. But the fact half the lights were already dimmed or out completely, plus how cool it looked with our hair blowing around from the hand driers, we pulled it off quite nicely, I attest.”

Owner of Pinnsbury Lanes, Randy Martinez, revealed that most bands actually do quite well there.

“Some might say having your band play at a bowling alley is ‘uncool’ or ‘embarrassing’ or ‘lacks integrity’ or whatever. But if you remove the bumpers and tune out the sound of the bowling balls rolling down the lane and striking the pins, it’s just like a real music venue,” Martinez explained. “Some of the best sets I’ve ever seen were played right here underneath the Coors Light ‘Beerwolf’ overhead lights. I still keep the bowling pin GG Allin tried shoving up his ass when he played here in the early ‘90s behind a glass case. Lotta great memories made here!”

At press time, Bügnorkvlt embarked on their three-date weekend “tour” consisting of bringing black metal to local arcades and Chuck-E-Cheese establishments within a 25-mile radius.

Trump Pays Tribute to David Lynch with 80-Minute Speech About How Deeply He Identifies with Frank Booth from “Blue Velvet”

Posted on by Jason Clemence

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump recently paid his respects to filmmaker David Lynch with a drawn out speech primarily focusing on his deep admiration of “Blue Velvet” antagonist Frank Booth, confirmed sources who sort of already suspected this was the case.

“Look, this David Lynch guy? Pretty interesting director. ‘Blue Velvet’? Very tremendous movie,” Trump said. “Fantastic guy, this Frank Booth. He knows what he wants and he just goes for it. Nobody’s going to get in his way. When he has that encounter with Dorothy at her apartment? Very nice, very romantic. I don’t know why that Jeffrey thought he had any right to try to stop it. Dorothy obviously loved Frank very much. It was all very consensual. Perfectly consensual. And meanwhile, he’s so nice to his friends. When he toasts his good friend Ben and Jeffrey doesn’t say ‘Here’s to Ben’ with enough enthusiasm? Frank immediately calls him out for not being polite. Good old-fashioned manners. I modeled my administration just like Frank’s close circle of friends.”

MAGA voter Jim Hudson immediately shaped his own opinion based on Trump’s.

“I don’t know anything about David Lynch—wait, actually, did he make ‘Fight Club’? Now that’s a movie that understands the modern man right there,” said Hudson. “But if Trump says this Frank Booth guy is great, I know he’s right. He’s always correct. I just checked out Frank’s Wikipedia page and it says he’s a crazed psychopathic gangster. I’m sure he’s just misunderstood. I mean, how bad could he be? Seems like he would’ve been against the mask mandates, so clearly he’s my kind of guy.”

Film scholar Jon Waterson expressed amusement at Trump’s enthusiasm.

“Frank Booth is obviously a representation of all of the worst characteristics of the American male in the Reagan era. He’s unhinged and violent, and coerces sexual favors through psychological torture. I’d be very concerned about anybody who claims to identify with him,” said Waterson. “But then again, Trump once said his favorite film of all time is ‘Citizen Kane,’ and anyone who’s seen it knows perfectly well that Kane is the bad guy, so who knows. At least I think so. I’ve never seen it.”

At press time, Trump was fielding a question about his administration’s policies on food safety and regulation by urging reporters to “check out the chicken dinner scene in ‘Eraserhead.’”

Humiliation Kink? This Band is Playing Three Ohio Dates on Their Upcoming Tour

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

At first glance, Bagel Bytes might just seem like your average, ordinary, everyday post-electroclash trio. But the Greenpoint outfit has also been revealed as one that takes certain – some might say perverse – pleasure in having their shame on display for all to see. This was evidenced by their recent announcement of a lengthy upcoming spring tour, one which includes three dates in Ohio.

“Playing Ohio is an experience that just about every band will have to endure at least once in their careers,” record store owner Doug Milch said. “But there was an unspoken understanding that you don’t draw attention to it. Like, when my band Nylon Mylar was active back in the early aughts, we’d deliberately make any Ohio dates as small as our tour manager would let us. And there was an iron-clad clause in our contract that we would only do two per tour, before we renegotiated it to just one every five years. Meanwhile, these guys are playing three Ohio dates and posting it across social media for anyone to see. They realize their names and photos are public, right?”

Sexologist Dr. Michele Snowden argues that Bagel Bytes apparent lack of self-mortification regarding their upcoming trio of Ohio shows likely speaks to the cognitive dissonance that thrills humiliation enthusiasts in ways that outsiders to the lifestyle struggle to process.

“The very thought of you or I broadcasting to the world that we’ll be in Ohio for any amount of time, naturally triggers our sympathetic nervous system, often leading to a full-body sense of tension and disgust,” Snowden said. “The members of Bagel Bytes all but certain had this happen to them, and playing three shows indicates they felt the need to heighten the sensation to an even greater extent. While this kind of behavior isn’t ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ on its own, it is important not to go too far in self-debasement. Like, they’re only playing one actual city, Cleveland. The other two dates are in Youngstown and Chillicothe. They’re coming dangerously close to what’s considered the ultimate humiliation: actually living in Ohio.”

Mercedes Fischetti, an early fan of Bagel Bytes who regularly attends their shows, admitted that this news has changed how she sees the band.

“I hate to ‘yuck anyone’s yum’, as the saying goes,” FIschetti said. ‘But I don’t know if I can look at them the same way after knowing they’re…like that. Oh, God, I bought a shirt from them last year. I would’ve never given them money had I known this is what they’d be using it for.”

Bagel Bytes continues to show their unapologetic self-masochism to this day evidenced by an Instagram post containing the phrase “Stoked to explore the Buckeye state!”

Middle-Aged Metal Fan Prepares Elaborate Story for Record Store Clerk About Why He’s Just Now Purchasing “Reign in Blood”

Posted on by Jason Clemence

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 46-year-old metalhead Rich Dresden nervously concocted a complex narrative to explain to the clerk at Urgent Breakdown Records why he was only now purchasing a physical copy of Slayer’s classic 1986 album “Reign in Blood,” disinterested sources confirmed.

“I used to have a cassette copy that I dubbed from my buddy’s CD in 10th grade,” Dresden muttered in preparation as he paced the aisles with the seminal thrash album tucked under his arm. “Then that got stuck in the tape deck of my car, but that was around the time that Napster really took off, so I was able to download all the tracks, even though half of them said they were Anthrax songs. But yeah, I burned a CD made up of those downloads and had that until it got too scratched, and then I was going to buy the vinyl but I could never find it at my local Target, and I refuse to buy records from Amazon, so yeah, you know. Let’s just hope the cashier doesn’t find any plotholes in my story.”

Urgent Breakdown Records clerk Ashley Browning said that listening to such tales is totally routine in her line of work.

“Yeah, I could see [Dresden] psyching himself up as he fidgeted in the checkout line,” Browning explained while yawning. “And since he was wearing a battle vest with a bunch of metal band patches, I knew exactly what was coming. A few weeks ago, this guy who was probably in his early 50s and was dressed like he was in Williamsburg in 2001 came in to buy the first Arcade Fire record, and I was treated to a soliloquy about how his ex took his original copy when she moved out, and so he had to replace it with this inferior re-press. Weird that all Arcade Fire fans use this identical story.”

Musicologist Fred Erikson, PhD, confirmed that this is a common occurrence.

“People who attach their own sense of identity to music fandom can get caught in a catch-22: They don’t yet own a classic album of their preferred genre, but to obtain one, they have to implicitly admit that they don’t already have it,” said Erikson. “In my last article, I refer to it as The Poser’s Dilemma. To be an expert in a genre, you must know the classics, but unfortunately, to look like an expert you actually can’t purchase the iconic ones publicly. You simply can’t win.”

At press time, Dresden further embarrassed himself by also deciding to buy a copy of Kerry King’s 2024 solo album “From Hell I Rise.”

Punk Suggests Cigarettes to Friend Trying to Quit Zyn

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

EDMONDS, Wash. — Local punk Joe Solomon suggested his friend Donald Dell ditch his crippling Zyn addiction by switching to cigarettes, confirmed sources who were still entertaining the idea.

“Donald needs to face his nicotine addiction head-on and what better way to do that by swapping out the Zyns with Marlboros,” Solomon said while lighting a new cigarette. “There are just so many benefits to smoking. For one, everyone is disgusted by you. You smell terrible, have to go outside, and get dirty looks from strangers. It’s way more punk than hiding a Zyn under your lip like some corporate stooge. Plus, we don’t even know the long-term effects of Zyn. For all we know you could die of cancer after a lifetime of abusing it. I don’t think there’s any evidence to suggest Parliament Lights are harmful. Not to mention, just think of all the smoke breaks you are missing out on!”

Dell was skeptical of Solomon’s advice, albeit hopeful.

“I never even smoked before, but now I’ve got a Zyn lodged in my gums all the time,” said Dell, a sales associate who spiraled into nicotine pouch dependency after hearing a sponsored segment about them on a podcast. “I can’t even sit through a meeting without one. My stomach’s all messed up, my gums are wrecked, and I’ve started ordering stronger ones from Sweden off the internet. However, I recently bought a pack of American Spirits and can’t wait to use them to finally kick the nicotine habit.”

Experts, however, aren’t sold on the punk-approved detox plan.

“I’ll admit, there is a strange logic here,” said Dr. Angela Lu, an addiction expert carefully choosing her words. “In theory, switching to cigarettes could help someone wean off Zyn. But you’re essentially trading one bad habit for another. Still, it might be easier to control your nicotine consumption due to the social stigma surrounding smoking. Regardless, quitting nicotine is going to cause some uncomfortable withdrawals, so I would suggest it is better to go cold turkey. Whatever you do, just do not start using a vape. If you’re going to have an addiction to nicotine, at least look cool while you’re doing it.”

At press time, Dell was seen outside a bar smoking a cigarette while slipping a nicotine pouch under his lip.

5 Reasons Why I’ve Vowed to Never Compliment a Random Person’s Metal Shirt in Public Ever Again

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Spotting someone in public wearing a shirt of a metal band you also like can immediately trigger a camaraderie that is seldom seen in other subcultures, but unfortunately, it just isn’t worth the risk.

Here are a few reasons why I will never make the mistake of acknowledging someone in public for their metal shirt ever again for as long as I live.

1.) Being Sued.
One time when I was in elementary school, I noticed a kid wearing a Metallica shirt. “Nice! Is that an original ‘Pushead’ shirt, or a bootleg?” I said. Next thing I knew, I was slapped with a defamation lawsuit. I had no idea what that even meant being a 12-year-old, but apparently his parents had friends in high places close to the Metallica camp. $50,000 dollars and one long arduous court battle later, I agreed to never publicly disparage the name Metallica again, but that was obviously physically impossible.

2.) Getting My Feelings Hurt from Being Called a “Poser.”
Once I told a random dude I thought his Bathory shirt was badass. Not only did he immediately call me “fake” and a “poser,” he proceeded to tell me he only wears the shirt just to fish for compliments, then call those people posers for liking Bathory. If you see someone who looks like the war metal or “kvlt” type, it’s best to just act like any of their potential mates, and pretend they just don’t exist.

3.) Batshit Right-Wing Political Tirades.
First you idiotically compliment a Slayer shirt, then they talk about Pantera, then Five Finger Death Punch, then you realize you’ve made a huge mistake and you’re listening to him go on about how he was there on January 6th and took a shit inside Pelosi’s desk. Now you’re an accomplice, and regretting that you ever liked “Show No Mercy” in the first place.

4.) Nearly Being Framed for Murder.
You rarely see people wearing shirts of more extreme bands like Cannibal Corpse out in public. Last time I gave the old “nice shirt!” to a guy in a Corpse’ shirt, he wouldn’t stop trying to get me to hold his ball peen hammer. I think he wanted to get my prints on it or something. I guess I should have considered the fact that he was wielding a hammer in a public park before telling him how cool his shirt was.

5.) Unknowingly Giving Dave Mustaine a Compliment.
I let a guy know I thought his Megadeth shirt was cool, and it was immediately clear he was unimpressed. He told me his washer and dryer were on the fritz, and it was the last shirt he had. He then told me how much he hated Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield and that it was all their fault that Lowes sold him defective appliances. That’s when I noticed the weird angry lips and realized it was actually Dave Mustaine. It’s a pain I will never forget.

Chrysler Building Admits It Would Have Been Nice to Have Been Thought of as Possible Target on 9/11

Posted on by Doug Kolic

NEW YORK — The Chrysler Building was recently overheard complaining that it wasn’t one of the buildings targeted by terrorists on 9/11, a close source with knowledge alleged.

“As a born and raised Manhattanite, I obviously love this place,” stated the aging Art Deco style building. “But if those terrorists wanted to give this city a real gut punch, why didn’t they target what used to be the tallest building in the world, specifically from November 1929 to May 1931? Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to suffer the same fate as my pals down at One World Trade Center, but deep down not being thought of highly enough to be on those baddies’ hit list does hurt a little. Maybe people would appreciate me more if someone finally tried to take me out. Then they’d be sorry.”

The Empire State Building, which eclipsed the Chrysler Building as the world’s tallest when it opened in 1931, was tired of hearing it whine for so many years.

“Oh boy, here comes the trauma dump,” said the eighth current tallest building in NYC. “He fails to realize that if he were a target on that infamous day, he’d be a pile of dust by now. He’s like that annoying coworker who you don’t invite to your wedding because they always go on about how much they hate weddings, only for them to gripe when you don’t invite them. Honestly, I’d love to spend more time being a sounding board for his insecurities, but if you couldn’t tell by the lineup for my observation deck, I’m kind of busy here.”

Architect Guy Denis explained that it’s not uncommon for buildings to wish they were more popular.

“Just because these buildings are made of brick and mortar, doesn’t mean their hearts are,” said Denis. “Big cities change quickly. What was once a popular tourist destination over time loses its luster and gets overshadowed by something newer, taller, shiner. But oftentimes this insecurity is simply jealousy. Before he started rambling on about 9/11, Chrysler’s main axe to grind for years was not being chosen to be climbed by the titular beast in 1933’s ‘King Kong.’ That’s what we in the architectural world call a straight up petty little bitch.”

At press time, the Chrysler Building was evacuated after receiving an anonymous threat that many close acquaintances suspect it had made itself.

Tiny Cops Hassle Fingerboarding Teens

Posted on by Tim Graham

NORTH ATTLEBORO, Mass. — Several youths were ordered to stop playing with miniature skateboards by very small police officers outside the Emerald Square Mall, according to regular-sized witnesses.

“We were just innocently messing around with our fingerboards outside the movie theater. I was grinding a concrete planter when I heard this little siren,” said 14-year-old Andrew Slotnick as he fastened new trucks to his scaled-down skateboard. “I looked down and saw that a couple of little cops had pulled up in what looked like a toy police car. They were yelling at me and my friends to stop skateboarding. We thought they were joking at first, but then they brought out this tiny German Shepherd and we ran off. I’ve been bitten by a hamster before, which really hurt—and this dog was like guinea pig-sized.”

Officer Devin McCulloch was one of the diminutive patrolmen who rousted Slotnick and his friends.

“There was a clearly posted sign that read, ‘No Skateboarding’ and these kids were blatantly flouting the law,” said Officer McCulloch as he sipped coffee from a thimble. “That applies to skateboarding of any size. The NAPD Micro-Crimes Division faces a lot of unique challenges, but we don’t let our size prevent us from meting out the law. Don’t let our Lilliputian stature fool you—if a suspect tries anything funny, you better believe I’ll whip out my taser and give them the worst static shock they’ve ever felt.”

Leonard Panis, spokesman for the International Union of Police Associations, says recent influxes of funds have led to some remarkable advancements in law enforcement.

“Police departments across the country are seeing huge budget increases as cuts are made to less important social programs,” said Panis. “We’re putting that money toward groundbreaking technology like shrink rays, AR goggles that can tell us who a suspect voted for and autonomous robots that shoot pepper spray at sleeping homeless people until they leave. We’re currently working with a military contractor to develop decoy copies of leftist books containing dye packs that explode when opened so we can easily identify commies.”

At press time, spectators were seen recording a pair of tiny cops beating a homeless man on the shins with cute little nightsticks.