James Kineen, Author at HARDTIMES

Supreme Court Justices Make Pact to Always Be Friends and Never Forget This Wild and Crazy Summer

Posted on August 28, 2023 by J. Taylor Lee

WASHINGTON – Several members of the Supreme Court reportedly come together to form a pact, vowing to always be friends no matter what and to never, ever forget this crazy, epic summer, according to Chief Justice John Roberts.

“From totally dismantling affirmative action to blocking Biden’s student loan bill, to the time Alito jumped off the roof into Kavanaugh’s parents’ pool, it’s been a hell of a summer and an absolute blast to be with these guys,” said Roberts wistfully while sitting on the tailgate of his pickup truck. “The other night, at Clarence’s kegger, we were laughing about that one time we blew up the Clean Water Act, and it hit me: I fucking love these dudes, and I never want to forget all the great times we’ve had together. So we all spit on the ground, did the secret handshake, put our hands on a Bible, and swore to always be there for each other, no matter where life takes us.”

Members of the court who did not participate in the pact expressed bewilderment at the conservative Justices’ decision.

“They keep going on and on about how much they are going to miss each other and saying their bonds will never be broken, as if they aren’t all serving lifetime appointments,” said Justice Sonya Sotomayor. “Yesterday, Clarence came into my office and said, thanks to ‘the Law Dawgs,’ he’s finally worked up the nerve to tell his dad he’s not going to law school and is instead going to follow his dreams and attend NYU for film. Honestly, I’ve watched these guys do so much blow over the years – I think they’re starting to lose it, mentally speaking.”

Though many political commentators have expressed surprise at the conservative justices’ behavior, it is not without precedent.

“Over the years, countless other Courts have made similar pacts. The Burger Court was basically formed after a wild weekend at Woodstock in ‘69.” said legal historian Nora Evans. “And The Warren Court allegedly made a secret blood oath to never tell anyone about a custodian they accidentally murdered. Of course, as any student of history knows, in the ensuing months, a disembodied incarnation of Death killed off each judge through a series of violent, Rube Goldberg-like accidents.”

At press time, the Justices had reportedly formed an additional pact to help Justice Neil Gorsuch lose his virginity before spring break.

Hot and Bothered: Ten Underrated Albums From Ten Underrated Fueled by Ramen Records Bands

Posted on August 28, 2023 by Scott Waldman

Here we go again: Before we get to ranking ten underrated albums from ten underrated Fueled by Ramen Records bands, we have a few ground rules for you unabashedly public “indie” kids with shamefully private “mainstream” taste: No bands that are obviously too big to be underrated like Fall Out Boy or even The Academy Is…, and no acts who solely released music in the form of EPs, split-releases, and/or compilations via FBR will be mentioned below. We know, the self-titled Jimmy Eat World EP is perfect, but it’s not here on a technicality. The full-length LP may be dead to some, but not to us.

Also, alphabetical rankings are for idiots, so please enjoy this alphabetical list. In closing, our opinions are objectively/subjectively wrong, and we suck (and so do these ranking articles that you still keep reading).

Ann Beretta “Bitter Tongues” (1998)

If we would’ve left this gruff, pop punk adjacent 1998 release off the list, we would’ve gotten an amplitude of hate from your literally bitter tongues, as this selection is one of the most underrated of the bunch. It’s so underrated you probably haven’t even heard of it, which makes it cooler. Furthermore, you don’t have to read on if you don’t want more fuel sprayed on your ever-growing metaphorical fire, but we know that you and your masochistic and spiteful selves will!

Days Away “Mapping An Invisible World” (2005)

Days Away’s truly excellent 2005 LP “Mapping An Invisible World” is truly the one that truly got away. After releasing several EPs, Langhorne, Pennsylvania’s own favorite sons signed to Fueled by Ramen Records, and was poised to become huge like several labelmates before them. Sadly for the world, things just never panned out that way; it happens. Despite selling tens of copies, a lot of your favorite bands revered and took great influence from this particular full-length, and if you had a chance to catch the band two years prior on tour with Something Corporate, RX Bandits, and Mae, you’re much more than an analog boy in a digital world. FYI: Check out Good Old War if you haven’t done so, but knowing you punk rock princesses, you spin at least one of their LPs every morning.

Forgive Durden “Wonderland” (2006)

The difficult-to-pin-down-in-the-best-way band known as Forgive Durden justifiably gets a lot of flowers critically for their ambitious and final LP “Razia’s Shadow: A Musical.” However, the band’s debut studio album “Wonderland” deserves much, much more ears and much, much less words in its song titles, but we digress. Basically, if you’re in the mood for a combination of a Gatsby’s American Dream influence and a hearty dose of French Woods theater camp, this record is for you. In closing, like the first monkey shot into space, “Fight Club” jokes are knowingly and admittedly low hanging fruit, but maybe self-destruction is the answer.

The Friday Night Boys “Off The Deep End” (2009)

Easily the worst band name on this list, Fairfax, Virginia’s The Friday Night Boys somehow defied the odds of said moniker and made a banger of a full-length known as 2009’s “Off The Deep End.” If catchiness is your forte, the album is filled with hit after hit. If it isn’t, you probably don’t like Smash Mouth, and should stop listening to music altogether. Furthermore, lead vocalist/guitarist/songwriter Andrew Goldstein the Easter Egger has been writing and producing bangers from bangable artists since the band went defunct for such huge acts MGK, Katy Perry, and even the greatest of all time, Celine Dion.!

The Hippos “Forget the World” (1997)

Technology must be very far behind here, so we don’t have another answer as to why the hell this perfect ska-punk/third-wave LP from The Hippos called “Forget the World” isn’t on DSPs. PLEASE fix that John Janick and/or Vinnie Fiorello… Despite this release being the oldest mentioned here, 1997 wasn’t THAT long ago! Also, the alumni from this band is quite prodigious, so this particular album deserves so much more notoriety; Google the ninety-seven piece if you know how to do so, rudeboy/rudegirl. Anyway, the band eventually signed to a major label and added about 1999 keyboards to their lineup as ska was becoming less en vogue than a Salt-N-Pepa feature.

Powerspace “The Kicks Of Passion” (2007)

You should know that sadly passion isn’t always rewarded, and somehow Powerspace got lost in the shuffle with their more successful label peers Cobra Starship and Trace Cyrus’ not-so-surprisingly popular non-FBR band Public Transportation Stopping Place. Pity. As evidenced by our listings above and below, FBR had the power-pop/pop-rock/danceable but not like The BeeGees market covered in the late-90s/aughts, and 2007’s “The Kicks Of Passion” is somehow both the paradox of no exception and the only exception. Weird. Chicago is so two-plus years ago, and Powerspace certainly and unquestionably got the Windy City shaft.

Recover “Rodeo And Picasso” (2001)

Easily the most frenetic and heavy studio album mentioned here, Austin, Texas’ Recover released their debut LP “Rodeo And Picasso” via Fueled by Ramen Records in 2001 to a flurry of livejournal entries and at least one absoluteunk.net post from your mother’s deceptively heavy computer. Eventually signing with Strummer Recordings/Universal Records one full-length album later, the band sadly never rose to the heights of former tour mates My Chemical Romance and AFI, and imploded shortly after. Still, “Rodeo And Picasso” doesn’t get as much love as its Fiddler Records follow-up 2002 EP “Ceci N’est Pas Recover,” perhaps because of a combination of bad timing and its extremely pretentious-in-the-best-way album title. Young love is now old, so dust off your Kazaa mp3s for “Rodeo And Picasso,” and relisten twenty-two years later with noticeably hairier ears!

The Stereo “Three Hundred” (1999)

Imagine an early-aughts Patrick Stump (or Stumph if you’re feeling sinister and/or a stickler for accuracy) sang for Weezer for a song on the “Mallrats” soundtrack, and you’ve got The Stereo’s smart and succinct 1999 full-length “Three Hundred.” To add further credence to the Weezer love, this record opens with a song called “Devotion.” Mic drop for that deep cut and for us being smart enough to reference it. Yeah. Fun fact: This band formed in the wake of two ska-core bands Animal Chin and The Impossibles, and in an act of defiance against your acidic yet dulled senses, neither of which is mentioned any other time in this piece. You hate us so much everyday, so we might as well keep our priorities intact.

The Swellers “Good For Me” (2011)

Flint, Michigan’s The Swellers’ 2011 studio album “Good For Me” is the most recent FBR record listed, and had a minor hit in “The Best I Ever Had” (just look at its lofty amount of YouTube views and even larger Spotify stream count), but sadly the band only recorded one more full-length afterwards before hanging their hats, and it wasn’t for FBR. Bummer, but they’d do it all again. Produced by Bill Stevenson of Black Flag/Descendents/ ALL and Jason Livermore of Wretch Like Me, “Good For Me” sounds like it was made by four kids who grew up loving Fat Wreck Chords’ compilations in the best way and saved a bundle on insurance by switching to Geico. Like Days Away, a lot of bands you likely dig privately dug this band publicly. Bummer: The Sequel.

VersaEmerge “Fixed at Zero” (2010)

Along with the also-underrated-but-sadly-non-Fueled-By-Ramen band Gob, Port St. Lucie, Florida’s VersaEmerge is one of the better acts to record the oft-covered song “Paint It Black”. While the band’s lone studio LP “Fixed at Zero” does not contain said Stones cover, it is a front-to-back lush cinematic masterpiece that will appeal to fans of the two-part conflict of interest conundrum of both Circa Survive and Saosin; bury your head and act appalled.
Conspiracy theories aside, and we know that you neckbeards in the comments have many regarding them and a particularly unsuccessful singer known as Hayley Williams, this LP did not blow the band up, and that’s toxic/what you get!

Every Slipknot Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on August 28, 2023 by Scott Waldman

Des Moines, Iowa’s Slipknot has been rocking venues tattered and torn since 1995, and you gruff punk mockers need to stop acting like you are above pinch harmonics, frenetic percussion, metal bands in costumes, and pools of stinky sweat. Spoiler alert: You’re not, and we know your kind. Anyway, Slipknot has seven studio albums and we are ranking them in perfect order from worst to best. Thus, no EPs, live albums, compilations or demo albums (“Mate. Feed. Kill. Repeat.” we’re looking at you) are listed. You can take this up with Wikipedia and/or Ross Robinson if you disagree with a literal fact.

7. All Hope Is Gone (2008)

We heard that Juggalos are deceptively nice, but we know that Slipknot has influenced more bands than said ICP fans can count. One album legally had to be ranked last, and this 2008 Slipknot LP had to take the cold black cupcake. Still, even a “bad” Slipknot LP is good sans quotes, and “All Hope Is Gone,” despite being a disjointed listen with more figurative misses than literal hits contains one of their most beloved singles, “Psychosocial.” If you don’t know what psychosocial means, read on: According to Wikipedia, the gospel of truth, the psychosocial approach looks at individuals in the context of the combined influence that psychological factors and the surrounding social environment have on their physical and mental wellness and their ability to function. Say that three times fast; Slipknot = smart.

Play it again: “Psychosocial”
Skip it: “Wherein Lies Continue”

6. The End, So Far (2022)

At first glance, “The End, So Far” reads like it is going to be a combination of a farewell/hiatus/cash grab LP and a greatest hits/rarities/B-sides album. Once one views the actual track listing, the fact that the band ended the twelve-track record and their shortest LP altogether with a song “Finale” may confirm the initial first half of our posit but cancels out the second half. Still, regardless of what’s next for the band 2023-beyond, this acidic release is ambitious with a capital “A” for Adderall, but isn’t as memorable as the following five for fighting. We hear that “The End, So Far” is the band’s last for Roadrunner, but something tells us that Wile E. Coyote may have something else up his sleeve.

Play it again: “Yen”
Skip it: “Acidic”

5. .5: The Gray Chapter (2014)

Self-awareness alert: Album number five for the band is listed at number five here. Whoa. Hot take alert: If entries #7 or #6 contained the band’s best single of their career (this album’s “The Devil in I”) then our ranking list would’ve been different, and that’s NOT us being sarcastic. Yep. Furthermore, the gap between “.5: The Gray Chapter” and its predecessor “All Hope Is Gone” is the band’s longest between releases, and said delay was for the best, as heard in the songs here. However, we will likely be a devil to all of you skeptics and negative ones with this far-too-high or way-too-low ranking, as even if we listed these seven disasterpieces in the order that you agreed with, you’d still try to override and bitch, bitch, bitch. Tell us we’re wrong, but that will prove us right.

Play it again: “The Devil in I”
Skip it: “Be Prepared for Hell”

4. We Are Not Your Kind (2019)

Despite being the only Slipknot release to come out during the critical darling/cum dump/surprising-also-not-surpising-hero-to-Christians/former game show host known as Donald Trump’s first and hopefully only presidential term, 2019’s “We Are Not Your Kind” is the band’s best album to come out after 2004, and truly deserves more praise as an entity. We know that old-school phonies who claim to be Slipknot heads will likely scoff at this modern record’s high placement because what is new always sucks. Always.

Play it again: “Nero Forte”
Skip it: “Insert Coin”; the album should’ve started with “Unsainted” and you know we’re right unless you don’t

3. Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses) (2004)

Welcome: The famous or infamous trilogy starts now, and we’re kicking it off with its end, the bronze-medalist known as Slipknot’s monster LP “Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses). Self-awareness alert part deux: Album number three for the band is listed at number three here. Valid. Whoa and hot take alert part deux: Albums 3-1 have NO “skip it” section. Nil. Before we get into the specifics of “Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses), we’d like to remark that we’re still unsure why the “subliminal verses” verbiage in the (actual) album title is in parentheses. Anyway, the legendary Rick Rubin produced this specific Slipknot record, and his epic beard shows such brilliance in the songs! So, so good and so, so brutal. We’re likely going to shock/disappoint/cause a double take next, but that’s just par for the course.

Play it again: “Duality”
Skip it: This was already discussed

2. Self-Titled (1999)

The whole thing WE think is sick, the whole thing WE think is sick: We’ve been not-so-casually waiting to perish by bleeding out for this specific placement since the start of this article since none of you Slipknot-obsessed readers reading this surprisingly/unsurprisingly readable piece has a life. Still, this record is one of the finest metal/metal-adjacent. Slipknot stormed the gates of the aggressive music community with their self-titled debut LP in 1999 and twenty-four years later is still rocking your faces and masks off. All nine members of the band infected your ears from this album’s beginning at second one to the ending at sixty minutes and fifteen seconds, and it still holds up today. Wear your t-shirts with pride and get ready to scream “Are you reeeeeady” like the band’s peers in Trust Company.

Play it again: (sic)
Skip it: No thank you

1. Iowa (2001)

Last hot take here as there is no room for any more plague-inducing scorchers that will forever cause us to be hated: “Iowa,” as an album title but not as a state, should get slightly more love than “Slipknot,” as an album title but not as the band itself. That was truly a mouthful, but speaking of that region, we don’t envy Corey Taylor’s throat after recording this guttural, guttural studio album. Since 2001, the vocalist for Stone Sour’s voice has never sounded the same, and while we rightfully praise his pain and effort, we can’t legally vouch for others trying to do the same to their respective voices: Sing gently, singers, as everything ends. In closing, “Iowa” is the polar opposite of a sophomore slump and deserves a revisit twenty-two years later.

Play it again: The whole thing front-to-back or Clown will beat you senseless and eat you in front of your family
Skip it: Do not

Frontman Cuts Bangs After Breaking Up With Band

Posted on August 28, 2023 by Robert John Scucci

SEATTLE – Tyler Moss, the frontman of up-and-coming local grunge revival band Bent Angles raised quite a few eyebrows after suddenly exiting the band and self-administering a hack-job haircut by cutting off his bangs, sources confirmed through stifled laughter.

“I just felt like it was time for me to make a drastic change and get out of this toxic partnership before it’s too late,” said Moss, while compulsively trying to fix his bangs in the side mirror of a car. “I woke up one morning and realized that to truly let go and feel like a new person I needed to look like a new person. The shears were right there, and I just went to town. Now I feel lighter, flirtier, and more confident than I’ve felt in a very long time. You know the saying, ‘New you, new do.’ The other lead singers in town better watch out, I’m coming for your band.”

Former bassist Greg Stills can’t help but think that Moss’ new hairstyle is a desperate cry for help, but still can’t stop laughing.

“Tyler’s been acting like he was in some sort of abusive relationship, but things were going great before he suddenly flipped out and quit the band. We finished playing a sold-out show, and next thing you know he said it was just ‘too much pressure’ after we asked if we could park the van in his driveway for a few days.” said Stills. “A week later, he’s adding ‘moonbeam’ to all of his social media handles, and saying how he finally has room to grow after being unhappy for so many years. But we’ve only been a band for eight months.”

Scene stylist Herschel Bonaventure suggests that Moss is simply finding himself, and things could actually be much worse.

“By the looks of it, Tyler isn’t too far gone, and he can reverse the damage he subjected himself to. Bucket hats are coming back, and in six months’ time, nobody will even notice that he chopped all of his bangs off like an unsupervised 14-year-old after their first breakup,” said Bonaventure. “If he’s willing to bury the hatchet with his bandmates, they might welcome him back with open arms. It’s probably all just a misunderstanding. And it could be worse. At least he hasn’t dyed his hair red and taken up roller derby.”

At press time, Moss was spotted walking by his former bandmates, pretending to laugh into his cell phone in an attempt to make them jealous.

Oh No: My Blind Date Yelled “Next!” and Now MTV Producers Are Dragging Me Onto a Bus

Posted on August 28, 2023 by Jus Kaplan

For god sake, somebody help me! A minute ago I was sitting down at a cute cafe for a blind date my friend set me up on. Then out of nowhere, everything went to shit. My date Jessica randomly yelled “Next” as loud as she could while I was telling her about my impressive Star Wars LEGO collection.

Suddenly, a group of goons in Hurley board shorts and complimentary TRL polos started manhandling me! Then these dudes holding cameras with “MTV” written on the side ambushed me from the bushes. The next thing I knew, they were tossing me onto this dark bus where two guys named Thad were just hanging out on a couch waiting for me.

I’ve been stuck in this bus-shaped prison for what feels like hours now. I spent the first few minutes frantically slamming on the tinted windows and yelling at people passing by, but this thing is clearly soundproofed. I tried to text my “friend” who had set me up on this date from hell, but my phone reception was down. Did Jessica have a cell signal blocker set up? Was I going to die in here? I started to panic when I saw “LOVE WILL SET YOU FREE” smeared in blood on the back window. Then I noticed there were even more people sitting behind me in the shadows…

“It’s no use man, we’ve already tried everything,” said a quiet voice from the corner, sending shivers down my spine. “Once you’ve been Nexted, it’s over.” It turns out I wasn’t the only one who’d been kidnapped. In fact, there were three other guys on the bus, each with a story eerily similar to mine.

“17 years ago I was on a date with a girl named Kat who loved to boogie board. She yelled ‘Next’ after I accidentally knocked over my glass of water and I’ve been here ever since,” said the voice who identified himself as Tristen from Hermosa Beach.

After talking with everyone on the bus I realized this is an organized criminal enterprise. They use reasonably attractive women as “bait” and they determine whether or not unwitting men spend the rest of their days stuck on a dank bus with an overflowing toilet and way too many Sum 41 CDs.

Skyler from Venice, who has been on the bus since 2008 pointed out there is even a small screen up there livestreaming all the dates. He pointed to a tiny TV I hadn’t noticed in the corner. It appeared Jessica was on yet another date in the same place she’d met me. She had to be stopped, these people have to be stopped.

If anyone reads this please tell my manager at Sunglass Hut in the Century City mall that I won’t be in for my shift tomorrow or ever. This bus is my home now.

Rules for Driving to Los Angeles with Only 10 Dollars and a Dream

Posted on August 27, 2023 by Jeff Bender

Wanna make it in L.A., dude? It’s gonna cost ya—and we don’t mean money, honey. You have to strike out on your own in an ’85 Camaro or a one-way Greyhound from Indiana with next to nothing in your pocket and a singular dream. Or you could just follow these rules.

1. Start in the Midwest

All the best dreamers, from Jay Gatsby to Don Draper to Robert Zimmerman to Michael Jackson, got their start in the Midwest. You’ll do well to have been born here.

2. Read up on how Oprah got her start

Holy shit, it will inspire you—and get your ass on that no-other-option bus to Tinseltown. Of course, when you make it, you won’t cite “Oprah” as the reason you dropped forensic accounting to make it big in L.A. But that’s the reason. That’s the reason.

3. Check the name on your ticket

So many talents have squandered their shot to make it big because their ticket said “Albany” and not “Los Angeles.” Yes, they smashed the Albany scene, but have you heard of them?

4. Find Slash

Studies show that odds of making it in Hollywood decrease exponentially after failing to find Slash within the first 48 hours.

5. Have a notebook full of songs you don’t think are any good but that many people—Slash and industry execs alike—think are great

Pretty simple when you get right down to it. This town rewards talent, so if you have 30 chart toppers ready to go then everyone will welcome you with open arms.

6. Have family in Orange County

You’ll need Uncle Ned and Aunt Sheila’s house on weekends when you’re out of laundry and money for CVS-brand Zoloft. Jeez, dude. Ten dollars really was a pretty silly idea, wasn’t it? You can’t even buy a sandwich for 10 fucking dollars.

7. Consider selling your body like in “Pretty Woman”

At least while you get back on your feet. A lot of record moguls will hire you, and it’s not impolite to slip them a demo on your way out.

8. Live in a one-room apartment with no bathroom, no kitchen, and Duff McKagan.

Sure, you can afford better with your new gig as a high end escort. But come on, dude! All your faves roughed it like this before they cut a deal with Geffen.

9. Get kicked out of the apartment for “boozing,” “driving your motorcycle through the hallway” or “leaving squid in the bathtub”

Badass, right? Plus, whoever sticks with you through this vagabond stage—that’s your band. Shuffle instruments accordingly.

10. Be good looking

Shit—this probably shoulda been number 1. If you’re ugly you’re going to want to stay away from L.A. altogether. Consider staying in the midwest, all the ugliest people on the world already live there so you might even be considered somewhat attractive there.

Uh Oh: Hardcore Vocalist Just Unfurled Scroll

Posted on August 27, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

SOUTH CENTERVILLE, N.Y. — Stunned audience members of a recent Ripped Hymnal set were understandably fidgety after realizing the vocalist prepared for a between song rant by unfurling a massive scroll, impatient sources confirmed.

“I mean, he let the bottom of that parchment drop and it started rolling at least a few dozen feet. It’s cool that clearly some sort of very serious, very long-winded decree was about to be made, but we were already getting pretty antsy from the lack of air conditioning,” said show promoter Paola Gruyere. “So when a pair of footmen pulled up a horse-drawn carriage to the stage and handed the scroll over as they knelt in reverence, we all pretty much knew it was time to hit the bar. If it was anything important, we’d hear about it from the town crier ‘on the morrow’ or some shit.”

Ripped Hymnal frontman Ruben “Pep” Goldpepper firmly held down his belief that the regal, performative act was far from unnecessary.

“Look dude, sometimes speaking from the heart simply doesn’t cut it, and you have to speak instead from a finely composed proclamation on the finest papyrus parchment, written with a mighty raven’s feather,” said Goldpepper, while gazing out into the horizon. “Not to mention ink made from a slain boar’s bile. I’m just lucky the buglers I use for the prelude, who frame my body within the robust arch of their horns, weren’t scheduled to deliver at Domino’s that night.”

Clearly shaken by the proclamation was scene mainstay, and leader of the small sovereign nation of Wriffensley’s Realm, King Gadabout Wriffensley the IVth.

“Oh, I’m crestfallen over my bit being pilfered, to be certain. Most people know how easy it is to get a ‘yay, verily’ out of me, but this fucker stealing my bit had me giving one of my very first ‘nay, narilies’, it saddens me to say. I will say, I’m green with envy over the rapt attention this ‘Pep’ has over his dominion,” said his majesty, stroking his beard while waiting in line for the can. “Receiving such undivided attention from even the lowliest paupers of my province is always something I’ve struggled with. Oh, confound it, am I going to have to go to war with this asshole?”

After the initial eye-roll, the audience was relieved to find out that the scroll simply contained information on a double-parked 2009 red Hyundai Elantra outside that was in danger of being towed.

Take A Break From Making Mugshot Memes and Check Out What We’re Listening To This Week Instead

Posted on August 27, 2023 by Corey Montgomery

Right now, your social media feeds are likely entirely filled with Trump’s dumb face. While you’re happy to see even a shred of justice being served, you’re getting a little tired of seeing his weirdly small, cold, dead eyes every time you open up Instagram or whatever. All you want to do is dissociate for a little while and binge-watch power-washing videos for hours on end – which, no judgement, they’re super satisfying for some reason – but instead you’re just constantly reminded that one of the worst people to ever live is still able to demand constant media attention.

What if you didn’t need to scroll at all? What if there was something that just required you to sit on your ass and use your ears to be entertained? Enter: music. You’ve always heard about it, but you’ve never given it a shot for yourself. Here’s a handful of some hot new tracks and classics that our staff has been listening to recently to get you started.

Brian Damage “Miserable Schemes”

Columbus, Ohio’s Brian Damage – not to be confused with the Misfits incredibly short-lived drummer – have just announced their third LP ‘Previous Episodes.’ Judging by the first single ‘Miserable Schemes,’ the release is promising to be yet another power-pop masterpiece from the Heartland’s favorite off-the-radar weirdo, Brian Baker (not to be confused with the longtime guitarist of Bad Religion). Imagine you got hit in the head with a hammer. We won’t go into details as to why, but let’s say it was a pretty good hit and you went unconscious for several days. In your coma, you lived an entire life in the ’90s. You were happy, successful, and your fashion sense finally made sense. Needless to say, you became mortifyingly depressed upon waking up in this present day hellscape. This song may as well be the only balm that can soothe you.

Buck Meek “Undae Dunes”

You might know Buck Meek as the lead guitarist and backing vocalist for indie-rock darlings Big Thief. The latter’s output is as impressive as it is expansive, so it’s no surprise that Meek’s third solo album ‘Haunted Mansion’ is a complex and stirring collection. Mixing the twang of his hometown of Waverly, Texas, with the genre-pushing indie inclinations of his band, Meek manages to build a sound that is uniquely his own. While album highlight ‘Undae Dunes’ may falter in the form of an almost repeated melody from a previous album, it soars in terms of fascinating new production trickery. Not unlike your last news-cycle-related public meltdown.

Twin Temple “Burn Your Bible”

Halloween may be two long months away, but according to our managing editor, ‘spooky season’ started way back in January and we’ve been really slow to catch up. In fact, she said that if we don’t start putting up some fake skeletons and shit in the office ASAP that it will be our skulls decorating her desk. Yikes. In an attempt to keep our brains and bones safe within our skin suits where they belong, we’ve been scrambling to put on Twin Temple every time she walks by. We’re not sure if it’s working considering all the knives that have been stuck into our desks. It’s not a total loss, though, as the single they released a couple weeks ago, ‘Burn Your Bible,’ is a total fucking ripper. If you’ve been searching for some sixties-style pop music a la Ronnie Spector, but with more Satanic imagery, look no further.

BABYMETAL “METAL!! ft. Tom Morello”

Now that you’re becoming an expert in music having just discovered it, it won’t take long until you’re weirdly into J-Pop. It’s likely you’ll feel compelled to hide this new adoration from your friends who tend to prefer heavier music. We’re pleased to tell you, that there’s now a wonderful way to blend both worlds together in the most disorienting way possible. This track has riffs a plenty thanks to a stellar guest spot from Tom Morello. It should also be noted that two of BABYMETAL’s members are listed as contributing ‘scream’ and ‘dance’ in the credits of this one. Since those are two things you do semi-regularly, you should feel right at home here.

Fiddlehead “Welcome to the Situation”

Fiddlehead is back again, and the ‘situation’ we are being welcomed to is one of the classic post-hardcore realm. When this supergroup featuring members of Have Heart and Basement (just to name a few) released their first album in 2018, many expected it to be a one off. It makes sense considering the fact that typically when something this good comes out it’s quickly taken away. Life is unfair and meaningless, and nothing pure can last for long. Fortunately for us, those assumptions were wrong. The band has just released their aptly titled third LP, ‘Death Means Nothing To Us.’ Every song on the record is a certified hit, but since we know your attention span is likely shot from modern media, we’ll do you a favor and recommend the shortest track on the album.

Mitski “Heaven”

Sometimes you just wish everything could stop so you could find a little quiet time in your day. While you’ve been enjoying your recent discovery of melodic expression, you might be thinking that all of it is abrasive and heart-pumping. Don’t worry, there are chill songs too and almost no one does them better than Mitski, who just renounced her retirement from music. ‘Heaven’ from her forthcoming LP ‘The Land Is Inhospitable And So Are We’ continues her flirtation with weepy alt-country soundscapes. The result is a rather pleasant wash of sonic joy not unlike the song’s namesake. While it won’t solve all of your mounting problems and existential dread, it will certainly allow you to push your impending panic attack further down the line. It’s been a long week, you deserve to relax.

Even though music is a new concept to you, our staff has been listening to it for years and years. The great thing about this form of media is that it can be listened to again and again, no matter how old or irrelevant it is within pop culture. Here are a few tracks our esteemed writing staff can’t seem to forget, despite multiple interventions and strongly worded letters from state officials.

Weezer “I Am The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn)”

Weezer’s ‘Red Album’ was marked as a lopsided yet triumphant return to form when it was released, thanks largely in part to Rivers Cuomo’s large cowboy hat and mustache. The absolute balls and class it takes to pull off such a look is no more prevalent than it is on ‘I Am The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived.’ The writer who sings this one’s praises has been attempting to pull off a similar vibe, but to less carnal success.

Alex G “Thorns”

Recently, we correctly ranked Alex G’s album ‘Beach Music’ as his number-one effort. Many argued, but all were absolutely wrong. We don’t typically care about the naysayers, but it really concerned our writer that so many people have such terrible taste. His anguish became palpable when he locked himself in his office and played Alex G’s somber cut, ‘Thorns’ on a loop for several hours.

Blonde Redhead “23”

Blonde Redhead’s earlier work is often noted for its edgy and rough sound, but one of our writers prefers the more pristine edge of their 2007 album, ‘23,’ and more notably the album’s opening and title track. According to him, music doesn’t have to sound shitty to be cool. While we’re not sure we agree 100%, this song has been adding a dreamy atmosphere to the break room whenever he’s annoyingly playing music from his phone speaker in there.

Cro-Mags “Hard Times”

The intern that’s been playing this one on repeat claims they’re only doing so to be cheeky, but considering how often they come into the office hungover, we’re pretty sure they’re literally listening to it to remind them of where they are. We imagine the scenario is like this: After a heavy night of partying, their dreaded alarm comes on and they can’t remember who they are or what they were supposed to be doing in the cold light of morning. When they put this one on, they hear “HARD TIMES, COMIN’ YOUR WAY!” and slowly start to put things together.

Listen to the ever-evolving and completely scattered playlist while you zone out at work:

Every Russian Circles Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on August 27, 2023 by Jason Clemence

Russian Circles is one of the most reliable workhorse bands in all of indie metal. They’re 99.9% instrumental, they eschew gimmickry of any sort, and, despite being a three-piece, they consistently create absolute tidal waves of reverb- and delay-drenched sound. This is a “there are no bad albums” sort of situation if there ever was one, but pointless hierarchies are the meat and potatoes of music appreciation, so let’s go ahead and rank all eight of their studio albums anyway.

8. Enter (2006)

This is a solid debut, and the band shows off their aptitude for the good old loud-quiet-loud formula right out of the gate, as well as drummer Dave Turncrantz’ ability to incorporate understated syncopation into unexpected moments in almost every song. This album sounds like exactly what it is: an entirely enjoyable proof-of-concept for what the band will go on to do. It’s just that they’ll go on to do it even better.

Play It Again: “Death Rides a Horse” and “Macabre” – Colin DeKuiper didn’t last long in Russian Circles, but his bass playing on these two tracks is especially cool and interesting
Skip It: “You Already Did” – No no, that’s the title of the track, I’m not accusing you of already skipping something. Anyway, it’s fine, but it sort of feels like copy/paste post-metal

7. Memorial (2013)

This record went in two directions at once: The soft parts got softer and the heavy parts got heavier. That’s a great concept in theory, and there are some absolute ragers on here, not to mention a few moments where you might be tempted to dig your lava lamp out of the attic. The album’s structure was allegedly inspired by Pink Floyd’s “Animals,” right down to the bookending tracks “Memoriam” and “Memorial.” For any band aspiring to play eclectic instrumental metal, this might be a masterpiece. Russian Circles’ discography is so close to flawless that we’ve somehow put it at #7.

Play it Again: “Deficit” – This one kicks off with some brutal dissonance that feels especially potent coming off of the dreamy opening track; the juxtaposition works perfectly.
Skip It: “Cheyenne” – It’s not even bad, but we have to pick something.

6. Blood Year (2019)

The production on this record shows just how hot Russian Circles was at this point. Not only was Kurt Fucking Ballou handling the engineering, but much of the tracking was done at Steve Goddamn Albini’s Electrical Audio studio. And unsurprisingly, as with just about everything Ballou touches, the sound is just absolutely impeccable, especially the drums. That man just knows exactly how to mic a kit, and it helps that the drumwork on this record is just dynamite. Exhibit A: track #2, “Arluck.” Ballou puts the drums just a notch higher in the mix than you might expect, and the outcome is magical. The band also does more with transitions between songs than in the past, creating a seamlessness that is fairly common in the genre, but that reaches its apex here. The segue from the gentle “Ghost on High” to the crushing “Sinaia” is so perfectly-executed that it might as well be a single track. The end of the record starts to feel a little more generic – the chuggy riffs in “Quartered” are a little uninspired – but again, “generic” Russian Circles is better than a whole lot of other stuff you could be listening to.

Play It Again: “Arluck” and “Sinaia” – Check out the live Audiotree version of the latter on YouTube too for a nice glimpse of how the band’s sound translates to live performance.
Skip It: We asked, and our editor said we can’t stop choosing skippable songs until the second half of the list, so yeah, go ahead and skip “Quartered” – It’s the last track, so just pull off the needle after “Sinaia” and pretend it’s the closer.

5. Geneva (2009)

Adding a strings section to a metal record is always a dicey proposition. You risk sounding too soft or too pretentious or too much like you’re trying to hang with bands whose genre tags include words like “symphonic.” But unsurprisingly, Russian Circles nails it, adding cello by Allison Chesley and violin by Susan Voelz. Their contributions don’t change the fundamental shape of the band’s sound; they just add depth and nuance, which is pretty much exactly what you should expect from these sorts of collaborations. Bassist Brian Cook showcases his ability to shift on a dime from reliable rhythm section journeyman to standout virtuoso. This album feels like a bleak but oddly pretty winter afternoon between Christmas and New Year’s, and we cannot more highly recommend having it in your ears while you take a long walk in the woods.

Play It Again: “Hexed All” – Damn is this thing beautiful, a perfect example of a softer side of metal that still hits really hard
Skip It: “When the Mountain Comes to Muhammed” – Like “Hexed All,” this is another relatively chill track, just not as good or affecting.

4. Station (2008)

Now that we’ve hit the top half of the list, we could easily and happily put the remaining records in almost any order and be happy with it. First off, this album is NOT a recording of all those dudes on the cover singing a metal version of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” so be careful about gifting this to your veteran grandfather. We learned that one the hard way. No, “Station” is an outstanding introduction to Russian Circles’ unique sound, which is to say – though this is generally the kiss of death in underground and heavy music – it’s pretty accessible. It also includes “Harper Lewis,” perhaps Russian Circles’ signature song, an immaculately-constructed piece of post-metal that features guitarist Mike Sullivan’s understated virtuosity at finger-tapping and knowing exactly how and when to use his loop pedals. Speaking of, it’s kinda odd that we’ve gotten this far in the list without even mentioning Sullivan, who, as guitarist, has a sort of de facto leadership role in the band. But his ability to do exactly what each song needs, which often means stepping back and letting Cook and Turncrantz run the show, is a big part of what makes this band great.

Play It Again: “Harper Lewis” and the title track
Skip It: “Xavii” – It’s actually pretty good, but it’s also a really similar vibe as “Hexed All” (see #5), just not quite as good.

Honorable Mention: Live at Dunk! Fest (2017)

It’s easy to think of Russian Circles primarily as a studio band because, well, they make kick-ass records. But also because their sound is dense and layered and they only have three full-time members, so they obviously have to rely pretty substantially on multitracking. But they are still crushingly heavy live, thanks largely to how well Sullivan knows his way around a pedalboard. This live set from Belgium captures that brilliantly.

Play It Again: The whole shebang. Their live sets are so thoughtfully constructed and effectively pulled off that they should be listened to straight through, without so much as a bathroom break.

3. Guidance (2016)

There was a critical consensus when this album came out that the songs felt a little more feral than fussed-over, and that rough-around-the-edges quality will be pretty apparent by the time the album is halfway over. The chuggy bass works perfectly on tracks like “Vorel,” coming across more as an organic outgrowth of the songwriting than like a post-metal take on “Kill ‘Em All,” which is sometimes more the case on their earliest work. There are also some really intense mid-song tempo shifts that briefly make us think of technical death metal, a genre that we can imagine these guys listen to, but would never ever describe them as. We wouldn’t argue with anyone who made this their #1 or #2 pick.

Play It Again: “Asa” and “Vorel,” which essentially form a two-movement suite and are entirely inseparable from one another. Also “Overboard,” which again shows the band’s ability to slow things down without sacrificing intensity.
Skip It: There’s nothing skippable at this point in the ranking.

2. Gnosis (2022)

Holy HELL, did they ever go hard on this one. This was Russian Circles’ pandemic album, and it shows in every single note. It’s the sound of a creative mind in isolation scratching ferociously at the walls. We have to imagine that, at some point, they were tempted to title it “Quarantine” because that’s the best possible description of its aesthetic. The YouTuber critics at Thralls of Metal put it best with two perfect encapsulations of “Gnosis’” whole deal: “The riffs in half of these songs are out to hurt you” and (paraphrased): “I never thought I’d stank-face to Russian Circles.” We couldn’t put it better. The one outlier, “O Braonáin,” a dreamy 105-second lullaby, sounds like something you could play at an Irish funeral, but shouldn’t, because when the first notes of “Betrayal” hit without warning, the deceased’s family would be very upset with you. This record is awesome, and a legitimate contender for #1.

Play It Again: “Betrayal” and “Vlastimil” – and yeah, prepare to stank-face
Skip It: What are you, high?

1. Empros (2011)

This was probably Russian Circles’ heaviest work before “Gnosis” dropped over a decade later, and it is just about perfect. The songwriting is top-notch. The see-sawing dynamics – loud and soft, abrasive and sonorous, grandiose and modest – are cohesive and organically intertwined. And album opener “309” is an unassailable masterpiece, a twisty and complex 9-minute scorcher that brings together thrash, doom, ambient, and an overarching apocalyptic sensibility that carries throughout the whole record.

Play It Again: Whenever you can.
Skip It: Why? Why would you do that?

Goo Goo Dolls Voted Third Best Band With “Goo Goo” in the Name

Posted on August 27, 2023 by Max Barth

CLEVELAND, Ohio. — Pop rock band Goo Goo Dolls were once again voted “Third Best Band With ‘Goo Goo’ in the Name” for the twentieth year in a row, sources who had differing opinions confirmed.

“We’re proud to once again be recognized for our contributions but to be fair, only one of the bands on this list wrote a song that was once in a Nicolas Cage movie,” said singer John Rzeznik. “Our journey from Buffalo, New York to international stardom a decade into our careers was nothing short of amazing and we remain so grateful to all the Gooheads out there who made it possible. Shout out to Goo Goo Hah Hah and Slash A-Goo-Goo for taking first and second place, respectively. Even though literally no one has heard of these groups, we’re totally fine with continually being beaten by bands with 100 monthly Spotify listeners. Really makes us feel good. Not pissed about it at all. Nope.”

Megafan Keith Buster has been following the band across the country and lingering outside their homes and recording studios for two decades.

“I’ve seen so many other ‘goo goo’ acts come and go go, but nothing beats the original,” said Buster. “To be honest, I’m surprised Goo Goo Dolls never won first place in their career. Last year, Mega Goo Goo Bomb and Goo Goo Destroyer won the top two spots. Plus, there were like four other bands on that list ahead of them. Goo Goo Dolls were actually ranked seventh best last year. But hey, I guess they’re making progress. Maybe next year will be the year they’re seen as the best ‘goo goo’ based band in the world.”

Industry insider and music historian Jamie Brockenburg was keen to note the unprecedented nature of the Dolls’ repeat selection.

“No one has been on the ‘goo goo’ shortlist for quite so long, nor has any group so patiently waited their turn at the brass ring,” said Brockenburg. “It’s an industry-wide lack of respect, like when Hoobastank got second best ‘stank’ band last year and fourth best band with ‘hooba’ in their name three years ago. Any honest critic will tell you that the Hooba boys are by far the stankiest. It’s almost like the judges have no idea what the word ‘hoobastank’ even means.”

As of press time, the Goo Goo Dolls were genuinely shocked to win “Best Band With ‘Dolls’ in the Name,” barely beating out the New York Dolls, Pussycat Dolls, and Dresden Dolls.