It’s Christmas again, and your elderly family members still don’t understand how basic technology works. While you’re excited for free food, gifts, and general merriment, you’re not sure how many times you can hear ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ before absolutely losing your entire fucking mind. Fortunately, you know which button disconnects your Dad’s phone from the Bluetooth speaker, allowing you to sneak in and work your influence on the entire gathering.
You’re sure to be filled with an overwhelming sense of freedom, mischief, and anxiety when you finally have the ability to play whatever you want while your uncle asks how much you make in a year. As our gift to you, we’ve taken the time to compile some of our favorite fringe holiday tunes that have gotten us through each and every hectic holiday season. Here are ten of our tried and true classics that are sure to make your family ask things like “was this song always this loud?” and “why are they yelling so much?”
Ginger Root “Linus n’ Lucy (Theme From Peanuts)”
It can be hard to read a room and select a song that will appeal to everyone but you absolutely can’t go wrong with a bit of music from America’s sole treasure ‘Peanuts.’ The lo-fi blips that permeate indie-soul act Ginger Root’s excellent cover of ‘Linus n’ Lucy’ will immediately have your Mom asking if something’s wrong with the speaker. A welcome distraction from her constant inquiries into your ex’s life and your lack of prospective dating partners.
My Chemical Romance “All I Want For Christmas Is You”
By this point in the year, you’ve likely heard Mariah Carey’s saccharine Christmas blockbuster upwards of a billion times. While you claim to hate the song, we all know it is scientifically engineered to drill itself into your already crumbling skull. There’s no shame in enjoying it considering you’ve been brainwashed to do exactly that. Still, MCR has you covered it you want to embrace the earworm in a more esoteric way.
Me First And The Gimme Gimmes “Santa Baby”
There are a lot of horny ass Christmas songs out there, but ‘Santa Baby’ might take the fruitcake. Still, it’s a classic and your family loves it for some depraved reason. It’s only natural that you immediately get the ick when it comes on. Playing the Me First And The Gimme Gimmes version in its place is a surefire way to eliminate the raw, sexual power of the original. Finally, your Grandma will be able to sing along without grossing out the entire family in the process.
Charly Bliss, PUP “It’s Christmas and I Fucking Miss You”
You don’t want your family to think you’re a dweeb that’s behind the times do you? It’s bad enough that you’re ‘in between jobs’ at the moment. You don’t want to fall even further from grace here, so make sure you work in this modern Christmas classic from two of the hippest pop-punk bands of the era. Chances are your hip asshole cousin will finally make eye contact with you when this hits the queue.
Reel Big Fish “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”
If your family is anything like ours, they love polka music for some unknown reason. They also cannot for the life of them tell the difference between that genre and ska. For these reasons, Reel Big Fish’s cover of ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’ is sure to be a hit after a few egg nogs. Just resist the urge to teach your Grandpa how to skank. His hips aren’t what they used to be.
The Damned “There Ain’t No Sanity Clause”
Maybe it’s not the most Christmas-y song that ever existed, but let’s be real: family events are stressful and you’re gonna want to listen to the Damned at some point. When your uncle presses you on whether or not it’s actually a Christmas song, just tell him to go fuck himself and point out the second verse mentions the holiday by name.
Tenacious D/Sum 41 “Things I Want”
Last year your little brother remarked that there aren’t enough metal Christmas jams. You, unfortunately, were too stoned to remember this batshit crazy collaboration between Tenacious D and Sum 41 existed. It’s time to rectify past mistakes and toss this one on the playlist two, or maybe even three times. It’s been a hard year for your lil’ bro. He needs this.
Tyler, The Creator “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”
Perhaps one of the most brutal and unforgiving diss tracks ever written, ‘You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch,’ is an undisputed classic for a reason. If there’s anything people can appreciate over the holiday season, it’s kicking a man while he’s down over the course of three of the most insulting verses ever put to tape. Still, we’ve all heard the Tony The Tiger version (Google it) way too many times. Spice things up with the version by ‘that rap guy’ your Mom saw on the Grammy’s that one year.
100 Gecs “sympathy 4 the grinch”
Maybe you feel bad about putting on a track that calls a sad, lonely, man colder than a ‘seasick crocodile.’ Don’t worry. Your little sister’s all-time favorite hyper-pop group, 100 Gecs, has the perfect counter-argument. Maybe the Grinch was such a dick because nobody ever showered him with gifts? You ever think about that, you selfish fuck? It’s also the perfect song to make your parents feel like shit for not getting you a PlayStation in 1995.
Ramones “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”
It’s best to put this one on before your Aunt gets buzzed enough to remember that your Mom called her a bitch in 1987. She’s never let it go, and the holidays are seemingly always the best time to bring it up. If you don’t let Joey take the floor to espouse a message of unity and love, you might find yourself in an even bigger brawl than last year.
We hope you have a good holiday. If you want a completely unhinged playlist to put on during your family function you can check on out here:
Okay, you got us, it’s not the real L. Ron Hubbard, the REAL LRH shed his body years ago to combat an ancient thetan, but it is one of his helpers! Go to any American mall with a Santa Clause. Then go to the basement of said mall and you’ll find an LRH willing to interrogate your child and take a photo! Every L. Ron Helper has been meticulously modeled to resemble LRH right down to the contemptuous grin and the unmistakable smell of ketchup soup wafting on their breath!
Scientologist families have enjoyed this festive tradition since 2007, in which the children are encouraged to search all through the house for any tangible evidence that Shelly Miscavige is alive and well! They won’t succeed of course, but the hunt builds character, and in a way, it keeps Shelly alive!
Look kids, it’s our boy Tom Cruise! And he’s got a cool racecar! Look at the way he handles that thing! Those are the trademark reflexes of an Operating Thetan performing at peak efficiency if we’ve ever seen one!
Who needs Santa Claus when you’ve got the star of “Saturday Night Fever” and “Grease,” John Travolta?! Every year the Scientology celebrity center is flooded with letters from children telling John what gifts they want this year, and reminding him that they know a thing or two about certain sexual predilections he may or may not have that he definitely wants kept under wraps! How does John Travolta deliver gifts to all good Scientologist children in a single night? He has his own plane and a very shadowy past, that’s how!
So many ways to celebrate this tradition. You could make threatening phone calls to a psychiatrist. You could break into their home and just move stuff around so they know someone’s been there. You could make bogus complaints to the police about noise and spousal abuse. However you decide to celebrate, rest assured the psychiatrist deserves it. Their profession makes them an SP and a liar. We all know that mental illness only occurs when someone attempts to read “Excalibur” without the proper training!
May they complete you as you complete them! Whether it’s scrubbing the decks of the Sea Org, handing out pamphlets to susceptibles downtown or just volunteering to be the person David Miscavige eats sushi off of for a day, you can’t be an Operating Thetan without operating!
Sadly most acolytes of The Church Of Scientology are happy to just sign the one billion-year contract and call it a day, but real Scientologists understand that ridding yourself of alien volcano ghosts means total commitment! It’s the season of giving, so why not go ahead and pledge another billion years of servitude to the church?
As altruistic purveyors of truth, Scientologists have a lot of high-profile enemies, and attacking them all would be a full-time job! Instead, why not pick a personal top 5 and focus on them? No one expects you to goad Beck into hitting you at the airport, urinate on William S. Burroughs’s grave, and leave threatening voicemails on Katie Holmes’s phone all in one year! Just harass Beck and mess with a few lower lever/more accessible Suppressive Persons in your area.
Whether your child is playing the head Psychlo or just a desolate mountain, you’ll cherish watching them re-enact the most thrilling L. Ron Hubbard story ever to be called “Not merely bad, unpleasant in a hostile way” by known SP Roger Ebert!
Sure, the church has tax-exempt status for now, but a little insurance in the form of sensitive information goes a long way to keeping it for decades to come. Do you have hard evidence that an IRS employee has been unfaithful to their spouse or has a drinking problem? Send it Miscavige’s way!
Have you? You do need to tell us. It’s for your own good.
There’s our boy T.C. again! Boy, he looks good! Shredded! Even with his deformity makeup on the man is a specimen! Say it all together kids: “When you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not!” In other words, happy holidays!
It’s the season of giving, so why not give a naive person who thinks they’re happy the gift of hooking them up to a pseudo lie detector and informing them that their body is full of suppressive ghosts? Just make sure they’re “poor” in the sense that they are unfamiliar with the world of L. Ron Hubbard, not poor financially. We’re trying to run a church, not some charity!
You better be good all year kids or the voice of Bart Simpson will throw you in a burlap sack and volunteer you for Sea Org duty!
It’s the newest Scientology holiday tradition, sort of like our elf on a shelf!
Clearly more Coke than Jack. I downed this in about three gulps while Dale from AP (I think? Maybe AR) was talking to me about how “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie and then somehow transitioned into how he thinks his wife might be cheating on him with his brother. I needed to be way more buzzed to deal with this.