Self-Described “Free Spirit” Gets Suspiciously Irritable When Asked How They Pay Rent

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

BOISE, Idaho — Independent thinker and free spirit Bodun Haze became mysteriously defensive when conversation at a house party shifted away from his latest yoga retreat and towards how exactly he financed his lifestyle, sources confirmed.

“That’s exactly the kind of superficial question society has us asking each other. Capitalism has destroyed our ability to connect with each other,” Haze, 34, real name Theodore Smithfield, said after brusquely leaving a group of his peers. “Step back and look at the bigger picture. I’m a human being not an ATM. Life’s about inner change, not small change. All of this focus on monetary matters indicates a profound lack of wellness in the human spirit. For those that insist on asking how I live: I like to think I live for my art.”

A witness to the exchange said things got rather heated when attendees continued to press Haze on how, exactly, he paid the bills while still having the time and money to travel most of the year.

“The whole zen vibe really started to go downhill at that point,” said Jane Rowe, who works two jobs and lives paycheck to paycheck. “We didn’t mean any harm. He was just so adamant about how we were wasting our lives being part of the ‘rat race’ that we were curious how it was possible to have such a nice apartment and a vacation home in Utah. Eventually he just burst into tears, saying we sounded just like his parents, pushing and pushing him to make something of himself. He wound up locking himself in the bathroom to call his ‘guru.’ We still didn’t get an answer. Maybe he got hit by a city bus when he was a kid and he’s still getting paid out for that.”

The wellness guru in question, Cthulo Remar, said people ought to be more conscientious of people’s auras when discussing personal finances.

“It really messes with one’s energy when people fixate on trivial things like trust funds or allowances or stock portfolios. I like to believe that one’s true value lies within” said Remar. “These things don’t define my clien– I mean my brothers and sisters in love. There is so much more to them than their exorbitant wealth. It’s just a happy coincidence that the most beautiful souls I’ve met also have the biggest bank accounts.”

At press time, Haze’s state has mellowed after drinking some ayahuasca and booking a trip to Cambodia.

5 Keys to a Successful Marriage That Are All Just Eating Burger King in Your Car at 3 p.m. Because You Just Just Fucking Can’t Right Now

Posted on by James Knapp

As anyone who has been married for any span of time knows, there are some days when you just gotta get the fuck outta there. Call it self-care or relationship maintenance or just plain survival, whatever you want—it all just means that in order to continue being in love with your partner you need to be anywhere away from them for a couple of hours.

A great way to get some much-needed alone time and improve your overall physical and mental health is to go on a refreshing nature walk! But, since you’re not going to do that, here are our tips for cramming copious amounts of Burger King into your food hole.

5. Don’t Savour It. This Is Not Something That You Enjoy, It’s Just Something You Have To Do.
In many ways getting through a marriage-stress-related BK binge is a lot like getting through a marriage itself. Just keep your head down, don’t make eye contact with anyone, and barrel your way through that second Bacon King burger with zero emotion left behind your glazed-over, soulless eyes.

4. Always Get a Milkshake.
If you’re gonna go, go hard. There is no point in moderation right now. You don’t want to go back to deal with your soul-crushing sham of a marriage AND deal with the fact that you haven’t had a milkshake in like, forever. Get the damn milkshake.

3. Fuck Napkins! For the Next 20 Minutes, You’re a Goddamn Wild Animal.
That’s right! No gods, no masters! Just excessive amounts of honey mustard sauce coating every surface of your shitty Camry. If your spouse tries to call you out on the stains, just tell them it’s lipstick from a sex worker.

2. Eat Everything. Every Last Fry. Leave No Evidence That This Is How You Spent Your Afternoon.
At a certain point the inherent shame you feel from this activity will urge you to attempt to eradicate all signs that you’ve been inhaling chicken fries in broad daylight. Do not resist this urge, it is all a part of the process.

1. Never mind. Get an Extra Milkshake To Bring Home.
Much like the clarity that often follows a successful ejaculation, consuming enough calories to kill most equine species alone in a parking lot can help give you some perspective. Now that you’ve put in the work you need to do for yourself, go back for another milkshake to bring home to your partner. You’ll be amazed by their gratitude, lack of follow-up questions, and willingness to ignore your many, many flaws for the rest of the day.

Sadistic Dom Doesn’t Let Sub Finish Season Finale

Posted on by Tim Sheard

EUGENE, Ore. — Local dominant Lucille Bellweather didn’t allow her submissive Craig Walters to finish the season finale of the show he was watching, confirmed sources who were sexually aroused just thinking about that scenario.

“He said he liked things rough,” said Bellweather while stepping as hard as she could with her eight-inch black heels on the Roku remote. “The usual stuff, like whips and everyday bondage, wasn’t getting him horned up, so I had no choice but to step it up a notch. That’s why I forbade him from watching the season finale of his all-time favorite show ‘Ghosts.’ Sure, he was a little behind on the program, but that just made things all the more sexually pleasing for him. It’s like he was edging primetime CBS television, which is how it’s intended to be consumed.”

For what it’s worth, Walters was all about the erotic form of punishment.

“It was borderline inhumane and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I had such a raging boner. In the end, that’s all that matters,” said Walters. “My former dom never got that creative. It was always ‘tie me up this’ and ‘strap me to a pole that.’ It’s like she was just going through the motions of being my sexual master. At some point, you have to bring me carnal pain or at least a little bit of humiliation. That’s why Lucille also forced me to confess to my friends that I regularly watched ‘Young Sheldon’ when it aired on Thursdays. It was embarrassing as hell, albeit hot.”

Experts have noted an increase in extremely particular sexual proclivities.

“Fetishes and kinks are getting rather specific as we evolve beyond the limitations of the missionary position and butt stuff,” said sex counselor Julianne Bowstar. “Some doms are not allowing their subs to watch television shows they love. Others are forcing them to watch TV they hate. For example, one dom recently forced their sub to watch 24 consecutive hours of ‘Ridiculousness.’ That’s why MTV plays it literally all the time. Their only viewership demographic is doms and subs nowadays.”

At press time, Bellweather finally allowed Walters to watch the season finale but only through a streaming app that had a subscription with commercials.

Opinion: The Next Champion of the Working Class Needs To Take Out Whoever or Whatever Is Keeping Jimmy Fallon on My TV

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Working people unite! Now is the time to seize the moment! Now is the time to stand up against the wealthy elites who have dictated our lives, dictated our endless struggles, and worst of all, have been enabling that asshole Jimmy Fallon to continue being on TV after all these years!

Talking over guests, breaking character during skits, that fucking fake laugh, etc. The working people of this country don’t deserve this, and we are fed up. NBC pays him $16 million annually to further tarnish the sanctity of the “Tonight Show” night after night, while a single mother of 3 in Detroit busts her ass on an assembly line just to barely afford a slice of whatever they consider to be “pizza” in Detroit on her lunch break. And that same woman should be able to enjoy the “Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade” with her children without being subjected to his phony ass lip-synching to Mariah Carey songs. Alas, she among millions of other hard-working Americans fell victim and continues to fall, victim, to his vile charade.

By all accounts, Fallon is a scourge on everyone around him. He’s abusive to his staff, a drunkard. Given the opportunity, I’m willing to wager he’d most certainly rely on child labor to hold his cue cards, and to write jokes just to have him butcher the delivery if he thought it would improve his “I’m just a cutesy giggly sensitive guy” image.

Sure, he “apologized” for creating a toxic work environment for several former staff members, but what he didn’t do was the right thing and step down from “The Tonight Show.” He didn’t because his bottom line is more important than your well-being. You’re just a number to Jimmy, don’t you forget it.

I’m not trying to say the over-saturation of a comedian I don’t like is on par with wage theft or election tampering. I’m saying it’s directly under those things in terms of importance. Besides, unlike those other two problems, all we need to do to fix it is get a TV show canceled, this is one we can win people!

Just imagine a world in which there were no more Sunday afternoon TV broadcasts of “Fever Pitch,” no more furiously bad celebrity impressions, or a world free of any more “oh my god, that’s sooooooo crazy!”s during interviews. Can you picture a world in which a place like, I’ll say, Peoria can be free of the shackles of wage slavery AND having to see that giddy class traitor trying desperately to play to them? This is the future we owe to ourselves, our children, and to Johnny Carson’s legacy. Move on over Jimmy, or we’ll move on over you.

Local Baker Watches in Horror as Steve Aoki Throws Cake They Worked on For Hours at Influencer

Posted on by Evan Vest

LAS VEGAS — Local baker Phillip Throgmorton watched in horror as a beautiful cake he had worked on for hours was carelessly thrown into the face of a popular influencer by renown DJ Steve Aoki, sources close to the incident report.

“I just can’t believe I worked three hours on that masterpiece,” said a devastated Throgmorton, who was standing outside of Omnia Nightclub in Caesars Palace. “When I received the order, I had figured it was the birthday of one of the nightclub employees or something. The manager included a free pass to get in tonight, and I was so excited to see my work lit up with candles and enjoyed by the staff. Instead, I see this doofus on stage pick up the damn thing and throw it like a football into the face of some poor girl who probably had her night ruined. His precision was highly impressive though.”

Social media influencer Savannah Desmond couldn’t be more excited to be covered in sugary ingredients.

“Best night of my life! Vegas, baby!” said Desmond, in between selfies and scooping cake out of her bikini top. “I spent hours making a sign asking Steve to throw a cake my way and I’m so stoked he saw it. The engagement on my post is at an all-time high and this is a huge moment for my personal brand! Steve even put my post in his Instagram story too. The only thing that could’ve made this night better is if this cake was less dry. It’s going to take weeks to get this fully out of my hair.”

Venue security appeared to side with Aoki.

“I’ve worked this show in the past, but tonight was definitely different,” explained Head of Omnia Security Kevin Stolz. “We knew it was about time for him to start throwing the desserts, which is when you really need all hands on deck. Everybody starts swarming to the front to hopefully get a piece of the action, no pun intended. But all of a sudden we saw this man in a baker’s apron hop the security rail, storming the stage and talking about his hard work going down the drain. We decided it was in the best interest if we removed him from the show and roughed him up a bit in the meantime. No one stops Steve from hurling delicious treats at the audience. No one.”

At press time, Throgmorton revealed that he was also a former watermelon farmer, who switched careers after watching a Gallagher special from the ‘80s.

Black Teenager Sentenced to Life Without Possibility of Parole After Making Hush Money Payments to Stormy Daniels

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK — Judge Juan Merchan made a second high-profile ruling earlier today when he gave 17-year-old Shawn Thomas, tried as an adult, life in prison without the possibility of parole after the teenager was found guilty of making hush money payments to adult film star Stormy Daniels.

“The nature of your crimes and abuse of power displayed in covering them up represents an unforgivable betrayal of the public trust and indicates a total impossibility of reform,” declared Merchan during the sentencing. “It has been proven beyond doubt that you offered Ms. Daniels $40 and some Burger King to keep your tryst ‘on the DL,’ so as not to jeopardize your chances of a shift supervisor promotion and $2 per hour raise at an Amazon warehouse. It is my hope that this sentencing will show the American people that such a lack of ethics will not be tolerated in the lower-mid echelons of our nation’s great privatized shipping and receiving companies, may God have mercy on your soul.”

Conservative media pundits were swift to praise the sentencing as a victory for the American Justice system.

“It’s good to know that a broken clock like Merchan can still be right once in a while,” said Tucker Carlson on social media moments after the sentencing. “The fact that Trump is entering his second Presidency with the stigma of a hollow conviction is one of the greatest miscarriages of justice in this or perhaps any century. We all know Trump should have been sentenced to receiving a medal with a bird on it representing freedom. I will, however, rest a little easier at night knowing that this 17-year-old thug is behind bars where he belongs.”

Despite being convicted of the exact same crime to a much lower degree and without any of the political implications that make the payment an actual crime in the first place, President-elect Trump was extremely short of sympathy for Thomas.

“This is why we need the death penalty,” said Trump during a rambling press conference. “Let this be a lesson to anyone out there even considering such a heinous trespass against our great nation without the Supreme Court in their back pocket. Especially if they wear hooded sweatshirts. ”

Thomas tried desperately to communicate with reporters as the gurney he was strapped to was wheeled from the courthouse to a prisoner transport vehicle, but the Hanibal Lecter-style face mask, unfortunately, muffled his words.

Hippie Names Dog Bowie After Phish Song “David Bowie”

Posted on by Tim Graham

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local jam band enthusiast Melody Meadows chose to name her new puppy Bowie as an homage to one of her favorite Phish songs, according to pungent sources.

“Phish is my favorite band, so it was only natural that I’d name my puppy after one of their greatest songs,” said Meadows while knitting a tiny rasta cap for her pug. “I thought really hard about it and finally narrowed it down to Nectar, Fee or Bowie, after their song ‘David Bowie.’ Of course, I ended up going with Bowie because that song is such a blast. It’s crazy how they just sing nonsense words like ‘David Bowie’ and ‘UB40.’ They’re so creative! How do they come up with this shit?”

Friends have had little success in trying to correct Meadows.

“The last time I saw her at a show I tried to explain that the Phish song was referencing a real dude who is one of the most accomplished musicians of all time, but she just couldn’t get it, man,” said friend and fellow Phishhead Lentil Quinoa. “It doesn’t help that we were on a shit-ton of mushrooms at the time, but still. It devolved into a real ‘who’s on first’ situation. I tried to prove it by showing her on my phone but it just wasn’t working. After 45 minutes I realized I was trying to do a Google search on a Nature Valley granola bar. Melody had already gotten bored and wandered off by then.”

Henry Stokes, author of several rock star biographies, worries that Meadows’ mistake is indicative of a generational music literacy problem.

“There’s an education crisis when it comes to rock music today,” said Stokes while applying a Misfits sticker to his CPAP machine. “There are kids out there who have never even heard of The Stooges or Joy Division! Just the other day, I mentioned Captain Beefheart to my nephew and he thought I was talking about a character in an upcoming Marvel movie. I’ll give Ms. Meadows a little bit of credit for being a Phish fan. While they are an objectively appalling band, at least they are well established and could be considered classic by some definitions.”

At press time, Meadows had changed her mind and renamed the puppy Dylan after Timothée Chalamet’s folk singer character in the film “A Complete Unknown” that she believed was entirely fictional.

How I Enhanced My Radiohead Listening Experience by Standing on the Edge of a 9-Story Building

Posted on by Malia Simon

What up Radiohead heads, I’m halfway through my fifteenth re-listen of the entire discography, and I just discovered a new way to seriously enhance the sonic experience: climbing to the top of a 9 story building and gazing longingly at the beckoning ground below.

Any serious fan is no stranger to the fact that you can’t just listen to OK Computer while strolling through the park or chilling at home with a friend—in other words, while enjoying your life. In my now tested experience, the best and only way to absorb the full meaning of a Yorkeian ballad is by standing motionless on the rooftop of a 9-story building and pulling a Kendall Roy-style full-body lean against the glass.

They say set and setting are important when consuming a piece of art, and I can attest that is very true. Whenever a Radiohead song shuffles to the front of my liked songs, in which it was admittedly quite recklessly interspersed, I immediately mount the nearest office or hotel building, shove my earpods deep inside my sockets, and inch my feet as close to the edge as the pesky barrier will allow. Instantly I am plunged into the full emotional depths of “Codex” and its lyrical mysteries. You’d be amazed at the new significance taken on by “Jump off the end, no one’s around” when that is a very real possibility created by your physical circumstances.

If you decide to try this method, just be warned that distractions may disrupt your meditative state. For instance, on my last 2 excursions, I had to calmly explain to the firemen sent by the crowd of people frantically waving their hands below that this is nothing to be concerned about and merely a classic listening ritual for Radiohead fans. People listen to smooth jazz while swirling wine and imagining caressing a lover, and people listen to Radiohead while staring out at the abyss and imagining ending it all so sweetly.

I’m not gonna do it. The fact that I’m standing atop a 9-story building overlooking the interstate highway doesn’t mean I’m gonna do it, nor does the fact that I’m shouting “I’m gonna fucking do it. Would any of you even care?” Like I said, this is merely part of the all-immersive experience I have created for myself as a Radiohead fan. Come to think of it, my entire life has been a series of enrichments I’ve made to get the full experience of the band’s masterworks. From failing to find a lasting and significant romantic relationship to working a soul-numbing job for two and a half decades to having an undiagnosed mood disorder since I was 16, I have been doing everything in my power to make the music sound fucking out-of-this-world, soul-wrenchingly incredible when it hits my eardrums. I like to think I am Thom Yorke’s palette and my excruciatingly painful life is his paintbrush. What’s next? Discovering I’m impotent? My dog dying? Who gives a shit! “High and Dry” is gonna slap.

Vegan Coworker Feels Obligated to Take Third Plate of Giant Uneaten Office Party Salad

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

BEND, Ore. — Vegan office employee Jackie Caplan felt compelled to eat more than her fair share of uneaten greens during a social gathering, confirmed sources who refused to even make eye contact with the salad.

“I mean, it was an ambitious mix of arugula, spinach, kale, shredded carrots, cucumbers, grape tomatoes, roasted red peppers, and sunflower seeds, but coworkers focused on roast beef sliders, shrimp cocktail, and an extravagant dessert bar featuring mini cheesecakes and chocolate mousse cups,” said Caplan. “Meanwhile, I’ve already had two salesmen ask me where I get protein while they both had brownie stains on their shirts. I feel almost like it’s my responsibility to consume these greens to be polite. I don’t even want more salad, but at this point, I feel like I have to prove something.”

Linda Palmer, the self-proclaimed “office mom” and party chairperson, expressed confusion over the salad’s rejection.

“I thought everyone likes salad! It’s healthy, it’s light—perfect for a party,” said Palmer, gesturing to the colorful but largely ignored platter. “I thought about taking a little bit but, you know, I had the baby back ribs and filet mignon instead. Jackie can have it. I asked if she would have some fish since she’s vegetarian or something, and she said no. Then I offered up chicken as a vegan option, but she won’t consume that either. Apparently, she can only eat salad and nothing else.”

Experts note that the phenomenon of uneaten salads at office parties is all too common.

“Fruits and vegetables are often bought out of obligation, not demand,” said Dr. Ruchi Moorjani, a sociologist specializing in workplace culture. “When no one eats it, vegans are left feeling guilted into overcompensating, as if they’re personally responsible for the salad’s existence. It’s like meat eaters don’t understand that vegans actually consume a variety of foods as part of their diets and if they just tried, they’d learn that they actually eat more than just iceberg lettuce. Sure, I’m not sure what else they exactly eat, but I have to imagine there are other foods out there for them.”

At press time, Jackie was seen awkwardly maneuvering a full platter of carrots, broccoli, and celery onto her bus home out of obligation.