Nice! This Private Equity Firm Accidentally Bought Itself and Immediately Went Bankrupt

Posted on by Ben Friedman

You’ll be hard-pressed to find a worse man-made blight on this planet than private equity firms. All they are good for is making obscenely wealthy investors even more wealthy while destroying companies in the name of “doing business”.

But in the case of Jones & Jones Capital, sometimes doing that business results in a deal closing so egregious that you accidentally purchase your own firm and go bankrupt. And man, is it a glorious sight to see.

We know it sounds confusing (and impossible), but here’s how it works: the firms buy these companies under the guise of “improving them”, then offload their debt onto said companies and then make them pay rent on the land until they can’t afford it anymore. And according to capitalism this is supposed to continue forever with zero consequences. But you know what they say: fuck around and find out.

Thanks to J&J’s bloodthirsty and unrelenting drive to buy every business they could get their hands on, it was only a matter of time before there would be nothing left but to purchase themselves, and begin instinctively making things more efficient by selling off their assets and firing employees. They probably should have listened to the nerds in accounting!

It’s like watching a real-life ouroboros finally swallow itself whole, with the added bonus of multi-millionaire vultures throwing themselves out of their Fifth Avenue penthouses. Red Lobster and the original Boeing engineers will be avenged!

You’re probably thinking what this means for you, the average American who doesn’t spend their waking hours being a cancer on the financial system. Honestly, not a whole lot since most of that money just disappeared into the ether. However, we have on good authority that a Midwest grocery store they bought and gutted is giving away free rotten eggs to throw at J&J’s recently laid-off finance bros as they walk out the building. Now that’s being efficient with your business.

It’s likely many 401k retirement funds, along with the stock market, may now be on the brink of irredeemable ruin. But watching a braintrust of overpaid, Harvard-educated daddy’s boys completely shit the bed with staggering incompetence is as beautiful a view as the Grand Canyon. Perhaps they should’ve paid attention in Econ 101 instead of harassing their female classmates.

So it looks like sometimes capitalism actually works the way it’s intended. Fingers crossed Blackrock accidentally deletes itself next!

Guy in Crowd with Tucked-In Polo Most Unsettling Part of Black Metal Show

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WORCESTER, Mass. — Black metal fan and Watain concert attendee Caleb Anderson’s choice of a tucked-in polo shirt was apparently the most disturbing part of the band’s controversial live show, disconcerted sources confirmed.

“Oh man, that guy was fucking creepy,” fellow concertgoer Jason Chen commented while scrubbing corpse paint from his forehead. “The lead singer had just unloaded several gallons of actual pig’s blood on the audience from these goat skulls that were adorning both sides of the stage, and I looked to my left and saw this guy in a Ralph Lauren polo that was actually tucked into his jeans. I was so weirded out. Especially since he paired the polo with argyle socks. Luckily, I kind of lost him in the crowd a few seconds later when the band started playing ‘Storm of the Antichrist.’ It was such a relief to get back into the normalcy of the show after that, because I was really shaken up.”

Frontman Erik Danielsson also noticed Anderson in the crowd.

“Watain is the musical embodiment of chaos, carnage, and damnation. Our live show is intended to corrupt the soul and drain the light from the eyes of all in attendance,” Danielsson noted as he loaded a gigantic inverted crucifix onto the band’s tour bus. “With that being said, however, there are some lines that should not be crossed. When I saw the collar on the shirt of that particular individual stay perfectly in place as he headbanged to ‘On Horns Impaled’ I honestly considered quitting the band and enrolling in Johannelund Theological Seminary back home in Uppsala. At the very least, I think it’s best that we avoid this town during our next North American tour.”

Anderson spoke excitedly about his time at the show, seemingly unaware of the effect he had on others in attendance.

“That show was awesome!” Anderson remarked, re-tucking a small part of his shirttail that had been jostled loose. “Being a fan of extreme music can be kind of isolating, and black metal shows are honestly one of the few places where I really feel like I belong and fit in. I just love being surrounded by my metal brothers and sisters while we bang our heads to the music we love. Hail Satan and chinos!”

At press time, Anderson had been refused admission into a nearby nightclub due to his outfit being “a little too alternative.”

Top 30 Primus Songs to Make Your Blind Date Wish They Had Never Been Born

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Going on a first date can be rough. Going on a blind first date can be rougher. But going on a blind first date as a Primus fan can be absolutely brutal. Unfortunately, to weed out potential mates, you must present them with several Les Claypool bass licks first and foremost to see if they pass your arbitrary test for a romantic endeavor. This is why we’ve ranked the top 30 Primus songs that will make your blind date wish they had never been conceived by their parents. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. “Lacquer Head” (1999)

Playing “Lacquer Head” in its entirety is just going to make your date wish you had normal red flags, like the proclivity to gaslight or leave a bad tip after a meal. At this point, even toxic masculinity sounds refreshing. Anything but more thumpity and dirty bass sounds.

29. “The Scheme” (2017)

Nothing will give your date “the ick” faster than 2017-era Primus. This record is actually a concept album about a children’s book called “The Rainbow Goblins” that Les used to read to his kids. No one knows what to do with that information, especially your blind date.

28. “Pudding Time” (1990)

You took your blind date to the nicest combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell in town, and that still wasn’t enough to impress. Perhaps a song called “Pudding Time” will turn things around. Besides, you didn’t have enough money to buy your date those sweet cinnamon sticks anyway, but this is close enough.

27. “Bob’s Party Time Lounge” (1997)

Was it the line “been erect here now for 13 days?” specifically that made your date immediately check their phone for the next several minutes? Hard to tell for sure where you lost them.

26. “Those Damned Blue-Collar Tweekers” (1991)

This is one of only four or five Primus tracks where the guitar kicks off the song, which in theory makes it more approachable to the normies. It must be stressed though that this is “in theory.”

25. “Mary the Ice Cube” (2002)

At some point your date is just going to come out and say it: “Primus sucks.” But when you subsequently agree with that sentiment, it will only confuse the hell out of them. This is where you begin chanting “Primus sucks, Primus sucks.” Great, now you just look like a psychopath.

24. “Pure Imagination” (2014)

Putting on this song will just about ruin “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” for them, not to mention your chances at a second date and your friendship with the person who set you up on this date in the first place, and most importantly your ability to come back to the restaurant because you played this one over their PA and now you’re banned from three different Outback Steakhouse locations.

23. “The Air Is Getting Slippery” (1993)

Your date never once specified that they didn’t enjoy the sound of banjos. This one is more on them. Not you.

22. “Southbound Pachyderm” (1995)

If asking your date to split the check at dinner wasn’t enough to turn them off, certainly anything off “Tales From the Punchbowl” will put them over the edge. Plus, this will make your date wish they had never been born so much that they will begin to resent their otherwise loving parents for bringing them into this cruel, Primus-sympathizing world.

21. “Welcome To This World” (1993)

And to think, you actually dressed up for this date in your finest “Pork Soda” album cover t-shirt only for the person to suddenly “feel sick” during the Primus marathon portion of the evening. You just can’t seem to win.

20. “South Park Theme” (1997)

Nothing will turn off a first date quicker than playing them a theme song from a Comedy Central cartoon, even if Primus wrote and performed it. Only thing worse is playing them the “Malcolm in the Middle” theme song by They Might Be Giants. Actually, that might be equivalent.

19. “Here Come the Bastards” (1991)

Try to put yourself in your date’s shoes for just a minute here. You’re playing them music they’ve never even thought to seek out while you’re trying to get them to know you. A little slice of “Sailing the Seas of Cheese” should do the trick. Actually, on paper, this should work.

18. “Kalamazoo” (1997)

Dates are kind of like interviews, in that you really have to show that you are the right person for the job or at least that you’re qualified to make out a little at the end. Unfortunately, in both instances, you’ve played Primus to break the ice, which is poor etiquette. Wait until you’re hired or are exclusive before playing anything from the “Brown Album.”

17. “Professor Nutbutter’s House of Treats” (1995)

Hey, it’s not your fault your date has never heard of Primus before. This is going to be a teachable moment one or another. I promise you, your date will never forget Primus after this date. Or you. Just not in the way you were hoping for.

16. “Pork Soda” (1993)

This is technically a song, but the almost violent auditory assault will likely make your date put their fingers in their ears to avoid having to acknowledge the existence of the questionable instrumental arrangement. This probably doesn’t mean you’re getting a second date. So close though.

Pages: 1 2

Good News: Experts Claim Depressed People No Longer Have to Walk Into Ocean, It Will Now Come to Them

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON – Experts at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration recently claimed that depressed people will no longer have to make the lengthy trek to the ocean in order to end it all, pleased sources report.

“You heard that right, all you sad people. The ocean’s going to do your dirty work for you and come straight to your doorstep,” said lead researcher Robert Allen. “Amazon has inspired this change in more ways than one! But emissions aside, this was really because the public has been telling us they need more mental health services. And we, and the relentless march of climate change, listened. We’ve been learning a lot about how one of the main symptoms of depression is lack of motivation, so the thing about the ocean should come as a great relief for millions. They wouldn’t understand hard work, but hopefully they can appreciate it and maybe even thank us before they’re gone.”

Joan Ericson, a severely depressed resident of Kanas, shared her reaction to this groundbreaking report.

“You know I’ve never seen the ocean in my life, all I have a dirty lakes and ponds, and i’ll be damned if I make one of those bogs my eternal resting place. With work, family obligations, and my dog, I’m constantly struggling to fit suicide attempts into my schedule, so to hear that the rising ocean levels are coming my way really makes things easier for me,” said Ericson. “Seriously, I haven’t had such a glimmer of hope in almost a decade. This is going to be bigger than meal prep.”

Climate scientist Katie Saracina went into more depth on this life-changing and incredible discovery.

“I’ve never smiled during an interview before. It’s so rare we get to share good news,” said Saracina. “To be honest, I was confused by the reaction when we released the new sea level report. All my years of studying the effects of sea level rise told me this is catastrophic, but now everyone is talking about what a great thing this is for people who want to check out a bit early. I can see the silver lining, I guess.”

As of press time, experts are working on a report now about a massive meteor that’s likely to wipe out the whole Midwest.

7 Items You Can Use Instead of Toilet Paper Because, Fuck It, You Don’t Own This Place

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

Ruh-roh! Run out of toilet paper and wonder what else you can use? Luckily, you can’t afford to own a toilet let alone the sewer laterals that transport shit from a toilet to the waste treatment facility so what you flush down the pot really isn’t your problem. It’s your landlord’s. And fuck that guy.

Now’s your chance to revel in the freedom that is not owning a home while sticking it to the ruling class by clogging up their pipes in a fun and inventive way. Next time you find yourself reaching for an empty roll of toilet paper try these 7 alternatives for cleaning your behind.

Your ex’s Korn t-shirt
This is really a two birds, one porcelain throne kind of situation. You asked him to pick up his box of stuff many times and the worn-in softness makes it ideal for ass wiping while retaining pipe-clogging properties. Unleash that freak.

Kitty Litter
Do you have a cat? Of course not. Your lease says no pets. But it doesn’t specifically say you can’t flush cat litter down the toilet, now does it? Your landlord deprives you the joy of a fluffy companion. And for that you should shit in a litter box and flush it down his toilet.

Newspaper
Not the most comfortable material to clean your nethers but it does make a political statement. Sports section? Classifieds? Obituaries (weird but, we won’t judge)? Show the world how you really feel with the wipe of an ass.
Non-flushable baby wipes
It’s the luxury choice. Clean, comfortable, and refreshing with the power to build up over time and wreak havoc after you’ve already moved out.

The tube
We’ve all been there. When faced with nothing or the empty toilet roll sometimes you gotta make do with what you’ve got. It might take a couple tries to get it down but keep the faith and keep smashing that toilet flush handle.

Tony Robbins Life Force
Your insufferable roommate won’t stop quoting it and left it right there on the toilet tank. Take charge of your life in a meaningful way. Wipe your ass with Tony.

All 30+ pages of your rental agreement
From limiting overnight guests to forbidding ukuleles on the property your asshole landlord has micromanaged every aspect of your life. He failed, however, to put a clause in there regarding damage to plumbing. So Doordash yourself some Taco Bell, cozy up with your lease, and let ‘er rip.

Power-Mad NPR Announces Giant Desk Concerts

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

WASHINGTON — National Public Radio, drunk on its own power over hordes of tea-drinking listeners, announced a new series of mandatory-viewing Giant Desk Concerts, according to a press release.

“Listen up, you fucking plebeians,” said wild-eyed NPR Music spokesperson Jessica Hanover while munching grapes from a bunch held above her head by an intern. “The Giant Desk Concerts, which will be held on a desk the size of a football field, are going to make The Eras Tour look like a goddamn child’s puppet show. We’re going to bring in Sturgill Simpson and turn him into a cosmic country cyborg, Esperanza Spalding is going to be shot into space, and Clairo will execute every fifth person in the audience on a jumbotron, just because.”

“Truly, all who witness a Giant Desk Concert shall love it and despair,” added Hanover.

Longtime NPR listener Marissa Torres was conflicted by the popular non-profit video series’ abrupt turn into bacchanalian excess.

“I love the Tiny Desk Concerts,” said Torres. “The way that we get to see Chappell Roan do a gentle acoustic version of ‘Pink Pony Club’ so straights will feel comfortable or how Justin Timberlake performs an indie classic like ‘Pusher Love Girl,’ that’s what it’s all about. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with my tax-deductible NPR donations going to what was described as a ‘stage that will pierce the very Heavens themselves and affront God on His weak-ass throne.’ That’s not what I thought my $15 was funding.”

Folk singer Laura Gibson, the inaugural performer of the Tiny Desk Concert series, was upset to hear about the upcoming new variation of the NPR staple.

“What the fuck?” said Gibson. “When I did TDC, I had to do it at [former ‘All Songs Considered’ host Bob Boilen’s] actual desk, and they wouldn’t even validate my parking. Charli XCX is apparently going to do an acoustic set with the entire Supreme Court on backing vocals, and all I got was [NPR editor] Stephen Thompson forgetting to take his coffee mug out of the shot. I may be an acclaimed singer-songwriter whose work fuses contemporary Americana, pop stylings, and rock to examine my Oregonian roots, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to chug wine excavated from the Great Pyramid of Giza onstage while the Blue Angels scream over a crowd of 500,000 people. Everyone wants that.”

As of press time, National Public Radio had further announced that ‘All Things Considered’ had been cut due to lack of funding.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Waiting For Beyoncé To Perform At The DNC

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week has passed you by, and you’ve done nothing to expand your worldview. Namely, in the field of new music. Your friends are worried about you, and have been blasting your record collection behind your back for years. It’s time for a change. New music is so easy to find these days that it’s actually a herculean task to stay stuck in your old ways. You shouldn’t have to suffer like this, so here are six new songs to get you on your way.

Less Than Jake ‘Not My Problem’

The summer of 2024 is nearly over. It was speculated that a ska revival – comparable to that one year in the nineties where everyone inexplicably liked the genre – would flourish, but that didn’t quite turn out to be true. But before you throw your checkered vans in the trash you can take solace in the fact that the skacore legends like Less Than Jake are still holding up their end of the bargain.

Blink-182 ‘No Fun’ & ‘All In My Head’

After their massively successful reunion album, ‘One More Time,’ Blink-182 is set to release a sequel in the form of eight new songs culled from the original sessions. The first two to be released, ‘No Fun’ and ‘All In My Head’ pick up right where ‘One More Time’ left off, delivering stadium-ready hooks with maxed out production value. They’re almost good enough to convince you to get your old band back together, but please be advised that is a terrible idea.

Laura Jane Grace ‘Baby, Baby’ (The Sidekicks Cover)

Famed Chicago punk label, Red Scare Records, is set to release a new compilation record in celebration of their 20th year in operation. The comp is set to feature new songs and covers from an absolutely stacked lineup of bands that have peppered the label’s storied roster. Among the tracklist is Laura Jane Grace’s excellent cover of Red Scare alumni The Sidekicks’ 2012 track, ‘Baby, Baby,’ which Grace has deemed her favorite of the Ohio band’s beloved discography.

Amyl and the Sniffers ‘Chewing Gum’

Drop what you’re doing and shut the fuck up. Amyl and the Sniffers have a new album coming out and literally nothing else is as important as that. The Aussie quartet’s third full length, ‘Cartoon Darkness,’ is set to drop at the end of October. Because the band knows that is a ridiculously long time to wait for more of their high octane magic, they’ve released the single ‘Chewing Gum.’ Unlike your favorite brand, this one will maintain its flavor for unlimited spins.

Balance and Composure ‘any means’

Your saddest, most lethargic friend has had a noticeable pep in their step lately. That’s probably because a reunion album from indie mainstays Balance and Composure is rapidly approaching. ‘With You In Spirit’ will mark the band’s first new album in nearly a decade, and based on the lead singles, it will be well worth the wait. The latest teaser, ‘Any Means,’ is lush as hell and filled to the brim with lyrics that will soon become your aforementioned friend’s vague Facebook posts for weeks to come.

Because we know you can never go back to your hideously boring old life, we’ve compiled these and a fuckton more songs into a handy playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

You Couldn’t Make ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ in Today’s Woke Culture

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

In a world where everyone claims to be triggered and everyone is offended by something, it’s clear that the glorious, unfiltered masterpiece that the 2024 film ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ could never survive the fragile sensibilities of today’s “woke” culture. This cinematic tour de force, where two antiheroes carve up baddies while exchanging black-humored quips sharper than their weapons, would undoubtedly face the wrath of a hyper-sensitive public, leading to a box office flop and all those involved to be canceled.

There is no ‘safe space’ when it comes to Deadpool’s humor – something today’s snowflakes couldn’t handle. The Merc with a Mouth is known for his no-holds-barred approach to comedy, much of which would be immediately flagged as problematic by the internet. Deadpool doesn’t care about your feelings when it comes to his humor; profanity-laced dialogue, gay jokes, promoting drug use, and taking aim at the disabled. Audiences would riot and demand a more “empathetic” Deadpool. No studio would be willing to even take a chance on such an offensive movie like this anymore, except maybe NEON or A24.

And then there’s Wolverine. The gritty, cigar-chomping mutant with claws to match his gruff demeanor. His very existence is an affront to modern sensibilities. Once the epitome of rugged, take-no-prisoners masculinity, Wolverine embodies a now-endangered species… the alpha male. A man with a past so tortured, he’s become the poster child for toxic masculinity. Today’s culture warriors would argue that Logan needs to put down the claws and pick up a glass of soy milk on his way to yoga. Or perhaps he could channel his rage into a community garden, because heaven forbid he actually confronts his problems by slicing through them.

Remember that scene where Deadpool fights Wolverine in the minivan? That would be nixed immediately. The violence, they’d say, is glorified. The bloodshed, excessive. Not to mention the weird undertone that I can’t quite put my finger on but made me feel both titillated and confused. Today’s woke filmmakers would insist on a heartfelt conversation instead. Maybe a seminar on conflict resolution, where Deadpool and Wolverine could talk out their differences over a cup of fair-trade coffee.

In this brave new world, there’s no room for the likes of Deadpool and Wolverine—unless, of course, they’re willing to trade in their bravado for a subscription to a meditation app. This film represents a bygone era where shock and irreverence were celebrated, not censored. A time when heroes could be flawed and unfiltered without having to attend a sensitivity workshop. But alas, in today’s cinematic climate, such a film would never make it past the MPAA, let alone the millennial Tweetstorm.

So, ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ will have to be kept safe in the vault with other classics like “Blazing Saddles,” “Airplane!,” and “Song of the South.” Here’s to the good old days, when sarcasm reigned supreme, people had thicker skin, and the only thing getting canceled was the villain’s plan for world domination.

Person Horribly Embarrassed at How Drunk and Fun They Were Last Night

Posted on by Charles Bill

TOPEKA, Kan. – Local boring millennial Harley Shun admitted that he is horribly embarrassed by his drunken antics which made him enjoyable to be around for the first time in nearly 15 years, hungover sources report.

“Oh man, I crushed so many drinks and had such a great time last night, it was so mortifying,” said the ashamed party animal. “I have almost no memory of what happened. I showed up to the party and ripped four shots and everybody thought I was a great hang. It hurts to even think about how cool I was last night. Then apparently I downed a boot of beer and did The Humpty Dance on the table like a total badass while everyone chanted my name. I’m cringing right now thinking about how each person at that party now thinks of me as that drunk idiot who rules and parties hard. I promise that isn’t me!”

An attendant of the party attested to how wildly crunk and disorderly Shun was.

“Harley was raging like an absolute maniac,” explained Shun’s ride and friend Freddie Priat. “Normally Harley is a total square, you can ask them any Excel hotkey and they know it off the top of their head. But last night. Wow. It was a virtuoso party performance. At one point he was smoking 15 cigarettes because people kept handing him more, and it was a hit. I hope I always remain the same boring asshole so I don’t end up beloved and cool like Harley is. The moment where they jumped over the beer pong table to block a shot, and everyone hoisted them up on their shoulders, so unlike them. I think Harley has a serious problem with being awesome.”

Leading experts on partying subcultures say that this is not only embarrassing, but dangerous.

“There’s a lot of risks from binge-drinking and becoming the life of the party,” said NYU sociologist David Smith. “Drinking four or more drinks an hour can lead to liver disease, brain damage, and absolutely crushing pussy or smashing wang. Studies also have shown that drinking to the point of insensibility, also known as ‘blacking out,’ might result in making lifelong friends that you have to awkwardly call every few months. They’ll say you’re an absolute legend, but you’ll have to explain that you actually kind of suck when you’re not twelve brewskis deep.”

At press time, Shun was going out to a party and promising themselves they would only smoke weed and become a competent conversationalist.

Help! We Turned the Political Discourse Way Down but Now We Can Hear Our Neighbor Learning to Play Guitar

Posted on by Doug Kolic

The political divide in this country has never been more extreme. Americans have been siloed into two opposing groups with no seemingly little hope to ever bridge that gap. Our family, like many others, have spent the last few years at each other’s throats while debating every aspect of domestic politics. For our own sanity, we made a conscious decision to collectively ban its discussion inside our sacred home as it was destroying the fabric of our lives. But the disadvantage of turning down that discourse is our house is so quiet we can hear our lame neighbor Glen attempting to play guitar and it makes me want to jam a fork into my ear drums.

There’s only one thing more frightening than reading about the possibility that voting for one political party will lead us into World War III, while voting for the other will usher in an elected dictator who’ll strip us of our rights, and that’s Glen trying to play “Smoke on the Water” for the millionth time. Like dude, music isn’t for everyone, please stop. We beg you. At least with total nuclear annihilation, we can hope for a quick death which is more than we can say having to listen to Glen.

Our kids finally convinced us to stop obsessing over party politics because they claimed we spent more time fighting than “taking care of their essential needs.” If that’s what they want, fine—but now I guess we’ll just have to spend each night silently sitting around the dinner table with nothing to say to each other, while being forced to listen to Fuckface next door, absolutely murdering his Gibson.

As we approach what many experts are saying will be the most important election of our lifetime, it’s important to filter out the voices who are hellbent on dividing us as a nation and try to unify, otherwise everything we hold dear may crumble and disappear.

But hey, if our worst fears are realized and 2024 becomes known as the year fascism finally takes hold in this country, maybe they’ll outlaw supposed artists like Glen and send him to a re-education camp in North Dakota, which might be a reasonable concession to never having to hear to his so-called power chords again.