Performative Ally Manages To Fail at Both Performance and Allyship

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

CHICAGO — Local performative ally Skylar Hargrove was seen failing at both performance and allyship during a local Pride celebration, confirmed sources.

“Yeah, there’s this dude here who keeps hitting on every woman he sees, but he’s also wearing a ‘Love is love’ tank top,” offered organizer Charlotte Jenkins. “He keeps running into the street to take selfies with people in drag even though it fucks up the flow of the parade, and then, like, immediately runs back behind the barrier and pretty conspicuously goes behind cops every time. While, of course, everyone is welcome at Pride, this event is here to celebrate the history of our community’s struggle and the ceaseless hard work of our visibility and liberation, and I’m pretty sure that’s just a straight, cis dude here to hook up with women- and literally nobody is buying it. He probably works at a fucking bank, too.”

Hargrove was quick to defend himself against the accusations of performative allyship.

“Um, excuse me? I’ll have you know I’ve had a rainbow filter on my profile picture for three months now,” said Hargrove. “There isn’t anyone who is a better ally to the queer community than me. I have a cousin who is bi, I think, and I check in on her at least once a year. I only go to Chick-Fil-A if I’m, like, really hungry, and I thought really hard about protesting with everyone last year, too, but I had a thing. I even tried to get the Chase branch I work at to sponsor this year’s Pride!”

Noted psychologist Emmanuel Garza offered valuable insight on how Hargrove’s behavior, while annoying, is by no means uncommon.

“There are countless instances of this behavior in society,” began Garza. “In a society that’s commodified and all but fetishized personal obstacles, those who have had comparatively few obstacles sometimes feel the need to glom on to those of others- primarily as attention seeking behavior, and largely to validate their own existence. These are usually qualities of Histrionic Personality Disorder, but I get the sense that this dude is just a douchebag.”

As of press time, Hargrove was last seen trying to rouse the crowd into a singalong of Macklemore’s “Same Love” but didn’t know any of the lyrics.

RFK Jr. To Throw Extravagant Memorial Day Barbecue Featuring Two of Every Animal

Posted on by Brett Olsen

WASHINGTON — A jovial Robert F. Kennedy Jr. shocked the nation by announcing an unprecedentedly grandiose, taxpayer-funded Memorial Day barbecue which would showcase two of every animal with access limited by invitation, confirmed sources. 

“I guess the cat’s out of the bag, and yes—we will be eating cats,” Kennedy began before gurgling on hunger pangs and coughing up the word “calico.” “I’ve caught a lot of flack for dismembering whales, raccoons, bears, and allegedly mice, but I was forced to bite my tongue—until now. Do you know how hard it is to transport a whale let alone determine which part of the whale is the tastiest? Turns out all whale is good whale, but still. Rats taste like ass, but ass is back on the menu, boys!”

“Hillbilly Elegy” author and Vice President of the United States JD Vance was spotted at the event double-fisting bloody, mystery-meat kebabs. 

“When RFK Jr. first announced his updated, meat-centric food pyramid, I thought the brain worm finally won, but now that I’ve tasted actual brain worms, I realize that we’re all winners—well, at least the VIPs who got invited,” Vance smugly chuckled while wiping his greasy hands against an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, leaving behind a trail of pinkish slime. “We’ve been so busy starting wars and spreading diseases, I thought for sure this summer was going to be a complete bust. Well, look at me now, Ma! I’m about to grind skunk and puffer fish down to a fine paste, then snort it.”

Disillusioned PETA President Tracy Reiman was disappointed to hear of the event.

“You spend your entire life trying to make a difference only to be humbled by a tweet sent at four in the morning,” said Reiman. “And for what? So Dr. Oz can taste the complete extermination of a species? Or to give Elon Musk the opportunity to dramatically cut a horse in half with the ‘chainsaw for bureaucracy’? I mean, what else is there to say? Fuck.” 

At press time, Kennedy was met with roaring applause after announcing the confirmation—and limited dessert options—of Sasquatch tallow and sucking sap directly from a nearby tree through a plastic straw.

How Many Fucking Beatles Documentaries Are Gonna Be Enough for You Goddamn Maniacs?

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

Have you all lost your fucking minds?

There is ANOTHER Beatles documentary debuting this Autumn and a shit load of you are going to watch it. That’s going to bring the total of dedicated documentaries about the Beatles to thirty-four.

That’s right, you braindead psychos, thirty fucking four fucking documentaries about one band! Of course, they’re legends. That’s well established. But my GOD, what the fuck more can you possibly need to know about them? Do you need to exhume John’s corpse next, or fully remastered audio recordings of Ringo taking a shit?!

“But did you know that George was the first Beatle to visit the US!?” Yes, asshole, because I’ve been force-fed Beatles facts my entire fucking life.

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but you do realize there are other bands, right? It’s true! There’s a dizzying array of millions upon millions of other brilliant, immensely talented musicians that you could spend your time learning about instead of wondering what kind of underwear Paul was wearing when they recorded ‘Rocky Raccoon’. You could check out the discography of, get this, another band that you haven’t listened to!  You could even go see a local band that’s just getting its start! If it helps, you thumb suckers, you could imagine that they just might even be the next Beatles.

I realize that this is going to be a hot take, possibly too hot for some of you to safely ingest. But there are literally different bands that are just as good if not better than the Beatles, and just about all of them include black musicians whose work and legacy could benefit from the exploratory light of day even once, and not for the THIRTY FOURTH FUCKING TIME.

I’m almost hesitant to persist with the onslaught of name-calling that I’ve given in to on my tirade because if you are genuinely excited about yet another Beatles documentary, I think you need help. So, I’ll end with this: the next time that you catch yourself being excited about another studio producing a shameless, retrospective porn cash grab, just breathe, and reframe. Say to yourself: I do not need another Beatles documentary. What I need is to support new, living musicians, and actually pay for their goddamn music. And no, Spotify streams don’t count as support.

Kid Rock Sees His Shadow on Memorial Day Signaling Six More Weeks of War 

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — Musician and frequent Black Hawk helicopter ride recipient Kid Rock saw his shadow today, signaling six more weeks of international war, conflict, and skirmishes, confirmed sources on their ninth Bud Light Lime of the morning. 

“Some of our biggest wartime decisions are based on the status of Kid Rock’s shadow. Hell, we decided to capture Venezuela president Nicolas Maduro because KR saw his silhouette that day,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth while wearing a Make America War Again hat. “When he came out this morning, after the bender we went on last night, I mean the treaty meetings and peace talks last night, I knew his vibe would let me know what our next plan of attack is in Iran. If six more weeks of war is the move then that’s the move! I don’t make the rules. Looks like we’re cookin’ them the way I’m going to cook some burgs and dogs on the grill today. Can you grab me a beer?”

Rock, later seen with a fresh tall boy, grilling shirtless on a Big Green Egg, stated it felt right to keep the war going for six more weeks. 

“Look, I saw my shadow man, we keep fightin’ in Iran. Hey, that kinda rhymes. I’m sensing a new song of the summer with that lyric,” said Rock after a drag off of his cigar. “Last year I didn’t see my shadow at all on Memorial Day, which meant six more years of implementing Project 2025. However, I did see my shadow on Independece Day last year, which meant another billion dollars to ICE. Yup, me and my shadow have been quite busy during this administration.”

Energy Secretary Chris Wright, also in attendance for Rock’s Memorial Day weekend festivities, failed to see the connection between six more weeks of war and the impact it has on the American consumer. 

“Gas prices? Yeah, a lot of that has to do with whether Kid Rock and the sun are out at the same time. Nothing we can do about that,” said Wright. “Anyway, we’re trying to have a good time and…what do we do on this holiday? Is it something with the troops? I don’t know, just chill out man. Money isn’t real, gas isn’t real, but Kid Rock’s shadow is extremely real.” 

At press time, Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was seen grilling a groundhog’s esophageal cavity to “protein up” for the extended conflict.

Rebel Without a Cause Clearly Not Looking Very Hard

Posted on by Stephen Bell

WESTERVILLE, Ohio — Rebellious and jaded teenager Cory Hall reportedly can’t find a single cause to support despite the plethora of things to rebel against, stated several people familiar with Cory. 

“I’m so ready to take down whatever it is that needs to be taken down,” said Hall, who was planning to throw a brick at no building in particular. “I mean I’d choose to go and vandalize something, but I just don’t know of any worthwhile targets. I live in America, the land of the free, everything is just too perfect to rebel as far as I’m aware. Plus I’m really busy with sleeping and catching up on my tv shows. I’d be so happy to rebel if only someone could tell me what to rebel against.” 

The teenager’s mother Linda Hall was befuddled about what to do with her son. 

“I did tell him what to rebel against! I’m a public defender and I’ve tried talking to Cory about how messed up the criminal justice system is,” said the mother of two while working through a giant stack of client sheets. “I’ve told him about how these people are victims of a violent system of capitalist exploitation and the prison industrial complex but it’s like he’s not even listening. He’ll just roll his eyes and then accuse me of being a part of something. This makes no sense though because who isn’t a part of something? Not this kid apparently.”

Queer, trans, Palestinian, feminist, cancer survivor, and friend Fatima Tabbaa had a more sympathetic tone for him. 

“I guess Cory has been going through a lot recently,” said Fatima, sorting through a pile of death threat letters she has received. “I have told Cory about a couple of rallies against ICE he could have attended or that we could’ve used help at the trans day of visibility event, but he told me he was too busy. Plus he couldn’t get this girl to like him so he was feeling pretty bummed, and that’s kind of like my situation where Israel blew up my house. I’m sure he’ll find something to rebel against though someday.”

At press time, it was confirmed that Cory Hall finally found a home with a group of libertarians and their fight against the capital gains tax.

5 Other Orifices You Can Get the Godsmack Sun Tattooed Around!

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Most people know the hard rock band Godsmack from action movie trailers and their mom’s boyfriend’s CD collection, but did you know those New England metalheads are also branding geniuses? 

With their innovation of the Godsmack Sun Tattoo in late 1999, the band offered a different spin on a tribal tattoo, one that said ‘I like Godsmack, here is my bellybutton’. As it turns out, this was a very popular sentiment, especially for white males who never attended college. However, contrary to popular belief, the Godsmack Sun is not only for belly buttons — its versatility and sleek design pair well with just about any fleshy hole! Don’t believe us? Check out this list of 5 alternate holes that will really make your Godsmack Sun tattoo pop this summer!

Mouth Hole — Since 95% of Godsmack fans already have goatees, the mechanics surrounding a successful Godsmack Sun mouth hole tattoo can admittedly get pretty tricky. You’ll want to be sure not to “cross streams” between your goat straps and the spindly, root-like rays of the Godsmack sun to avoid clashing. Ideally, the rays will appear to be emanating from the outer circumference of the goatee, with your mouth framed in the center of the sun, free to throw back some Sam Adams or talk about Godsmack at great length. And for the minority of Godsmack fans who don’t already have goatees, the Godsmack Sun serves as a perfect and permanent facial merkin to mask your otherwise bald face! 

Butt Hole — This is the rare orifice where a Godsmack tattoo can signify either extreme loyalty to the band or pure, unmitigated hatred. Talk about versatility! Getting something tattooed around your butthole takes courage and dedication, traits both hardcore fans and steadfast enemies possess in spades. And while it may be a borderline masochistic way to say that Godsmack’s music sounds like shit, you gotta admit it would be pretty legendary. Also, probably a cool ice breaker for colonoscopies.

Dick Hole/Vagina Hole — Godsmack are sensual by nature, in no small part thanks to sinewy frontman and Godsmack Sun Tattoo originator Sully Erna. These Godsmack Sun Tattoos would need to be pretty small and would likely be painful to endure, but once achieved, could make for a pretty impressive romantic experience. This could also make for an excellent his ‘n hers tattoo. Imagine, the Godsmack Suns interlocked in coitus, an eternal unity signaling the birth of the second coming, a prince of princes. Pretty sick, right!?

Penis Hole — Ah shit, we kinda already did this one. Well, let’s just say that for #4 we mean the urethra specifically. 

Make Your Own! — It’s true! You don’t have to let your biological hole placement dictate where you can or can’t get a Godsmack Sun Tattoo. This ain’t your dad’s Godsmack Sun Tattoo, capice? With the use of a simple household drill or scalpel, you can gouge pretty much any hole into existence through a method known as trepanation. New hole, who dis?     

Efficient Friends Cancel Plans While Making Them

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

NEW YORK — A local group of friends who are extremely efficient decided to go ahead and cancel plans while making them, sources confirmed.

“Well, we realized that if one of us canceled, the cancelee felt great but the canceler was left feeling guilty,” said Erica Fiorelli, one of the efficient friends. “So we figured if we just canceled right away and at the same time, that would remove the icky feelings part and just leave the good parts of friendship, which means just shit-talking people who aren’t in the group chat. The truth is, we really love each other but don’t always love spending time together. Friendship is exhausting. I’m really looking forward to planning and canceling our lunch date next month as well as our friends trip to Italy.”

Amazed onlookers to the event shared the gravity of what they had witnessed.

“This is going to save everyone so much time, not to mention so many friendships,” shared Stephanie Jones, chronic late canceler. “We don’t have to waste several days of confirmation texts leading up to an event only to text that we’re ‘not feeling well’ on the day. We can just take care of it right at the start. I have truly never felt so seen by and inspired by something I just witnessed on the street. Normally it’s just rats trying to eat my footwear or men taking a shit on the sidewalk. This is a beautiful thing.”

Nicole Tran, a leading psychologist in the field of Flaky Friendships, shared her expert opinion on the event.

“People are seeking authenticity more than ever in their relationships. And in this case, people really want to be their authentic selves at home alone bingeing TV and not putting on makeup or having to find parking. I mean, who has the energy to go out in this world and in this economy?” said Tran. “It’s really just a natural progression of late stage capitalism if you ask me. I’m not an economist or anything, but I am a mental health professional who will be canceling all my plans for the next few weeks. And after that, I’m going to start canceling them while I make them, like these two brave ladies. This is a healthy step for humankind.”

Inspired by what’s sure to be a popular social movement, dating apps have started beta testing an option for men to reveal if they’re murderers before the date is even scheduled.

Quiznos Mascots From 2004 Still Looking for Forever Home

Posted on by Matthew Micheletti

APPLETON, Wis. — Quiznos mascots the Spongmonkeys have reportedly been looking for their forever home since the mid-2000s, confirmed sources who prefer to call them lemurs from Hell.

“All we’ve wanted all these years is a nice warm forever home to reopen our portal back to Hell after our contract ended,” said one of the Spongmonkeys. “You know who doesn’t have to sleep in garbage juice for years behind a Panda Express? The fuckin’ California Raisins! They get a nice place to live forever because they play the saxophone and wear sunglasses. What a load of crap! We will work for literally anyone. Jimmy Johns, a Buc-ee’s, it doesn’t matter as long as we get a permanent place to crash and mildly freak out customers.”

Bettie Salmonich, a volunteer at a local unemployed mascot center, explained the forever home crisis facing these symbols of capitalism. 

“You know, many Americans don’t consider what happens to these corporate mascots once they stop appearing in ads. Many are left struggling to find a nice forever home to take them in once they retire or get phased out,” said Salmonich. “A classic example is The Noid. He had it all: The pizza fame, the pizza money, the pizza women in little red rabbit suits. Eventually, he too was cast out on the streets and forgotten when he was caught fornicating with batches of pizza dough at multiple Domino’s locations. Unfortunately, that’s the way the pizza slices.”

Mascot legend Joe Camel knew all too well about forgotten colleagues. 

“You know what really happens to some of these mascots who don’t find a forever home, right? CEOs order them to be hunted down. No care, no love, just a bullet between the eyes, man. It’s hella sad, bro,” explained Mr. Camel while smoking a Marlboro. “We never really think about the Travelocity Gnome or the Burger King himself anymore. It’s getting so sad that even Microsoft’s Clippy stuck himself into a power outlet after 10 years on the streets. All they really wanted was a warm place to crash and the love of a caring corporate advertising family.”

At press time, the Spongmonkeys were heard to have a lead on a new forever home with 7-Up’s Cool Spot, but they were tragically run over outside in an Arby’s parking lot.

The Next Jordan Peterson? This Transphobic Twit Makes His Bed Before Getting Numb on Benzos

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

Few public figures have established their credentials as transphobic assholes more convincingly than Canadian professor and YouTuber Jordan Peterson. 

Even before Peterson started deadnaming trans celebrities and throwing tantrums about being asked to refer to his students by their preferred pronouns, I couldn’t see him as anything more than a smug mediocrity with a punchable face. But for a time, he was a media darling, and he still attracts a cult following in Incel-adjacent circles of the Manosphere.

And now, in a horrifyingly cruel twist of fate, I share my apartment with just the sort of pill-popping transphobic twit who may be the next Jordan Peterson!

When budget constraints forced me to solicit a new roommate on Craigslist, I knew there was a chance I’d end up cohabitating with someone of questionable moral fibre. I never imagined, however, that I’d get stuck living with a benzo-addled cis-supremacist who has declared a dietary jihad on fiber.

Admittedly, the red flags were there from the start, but I guess I was too cash-strapped to notice: when Troy came by to check out my apartment’s spare bedroom and assured me he’s a bit of a ‘neat freak’ who makes his bed every morning, I thought he was just trying to make a good first impression. Sadly, I didn’t pick up on his not-so-cryptic signalling that he’s the kind of asswipe who swears by Jordan Peterson’s ‘12 Rules For Life.’ 

Next thing I know, he was moving his meat fridge into my spare bedroom. Even then, I just naively assumed he had an iron deficiency. I figured that would explain why he needed a short lie down after every item he moved into the room. 

Only after his check for his first month’s rent cleared did I find out that he wasn’t knackered because of a shortage of iron in his diet, but because he also emulates his intellectual hero by popping Xannies until he’s more anaesthetised than an elephant getting a root canal. 

If he just stayed in his room when he numbs himself on benzos, maybe we could make things work. But his religious adherence to Peterson’s carnivore diet — eating chuck-eye steaks for breakfast, lunch and dinner — means the whole apartment constantly reeks of cheap cuts of beef. And when I confront him about it, I get called an enemy of Western Civilisation!

Cutting my rent in half just isn’t worth having him hog our only couch while he gets teary-eyed during a diatribe defending some new anti-trans post by JK Rowling. And if he’s gonna keep berating me for having the eating habits of a cultural Marxist and throwing away my bread and vegetables when I’m at work, I’m gonna have to kick his Jordan Peterson-wannabe ass out.

Dying Fetus Album Features World’s First ‘Prenatal Advisory’ Warning

Posted on by John Danek

GREATER UPPER MARLBORO, Md. — All future pressings of American death metal institution Dying Fetus’s 2023 album “Make Them Beg for Death” will feature a “Prenatal Advisory: Explicit Content” warning, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced.

“We have been warning parents for decades about objectionable content on albums, but we are finally providing necessary guidance to music-loving fetuses, embryos, and zygotes,” declared RIAA chairman Mitch Glazier, who is rumored to have been pressured into this change by the Trump administration. “The number of Evangelical Christians buying Dying Fetus albums under the impression they contain pro-life messages of worship is bigger than you think. As much as I love to throw down in the pit to some brutal tech-death, I don’t think it’s quite suitable for our in utero music fans.”

Dying Fetus’s founding guitarist and vocalist John Gallagher expressed indifference towards the unusual warning.

“I don’t give a fuck. If anything, those warnings make our albums look cooler and signify to fans that this is the real shit,” said Gallagher, who has threatened to punch or dox any interviewer who asks him about the politics surrounding abortion. “I’m just disappointed that we live in a world where people are so dumb that one could see an album named ‘Make Them Beg for Death’ by a band named ‘Dying Fetus’ showing someone getting their throat slit and wonder what the content inside may be like. It ain’t exactly the Bluey soundtrack. How much more hand-holding do you need?”

Obstetrics researchers have confirmed that any music consumed by a fetus during pregnancy can have powerful effects on the person’s subsequent life.

“We’ve known for decades that playing classical music for a child in the womb can lead to anxiety and unrealistic expectations on math scores in their childhood and teen years,” stated Dr. Laurie Englund, lead researcher at Johns Hopkins Medicine. “But the effects of death metal, grindcore, powerviolence, and related genres are woefully understudied. In an informal study, I played heaps of pageninetynine for my son Gary while he was in the womb, and other than having obsessive-compulsive disorder around the naming of documents, he turned out fine.”

The RIAA has also recently announced that any new albums by controversial ambient musicians will contain a warning of “Parental Advisory: Implicit Content.”

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