GREATER UPPER MARLBORO, Md. — All future pressings of American death metal institution Dying Fetus’s 2023 album “Make Them Beg for Death” will feature a “Prenatal Advisory: Explicit Content” warning, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced.
“We have been warning parents for decades about objectionable content on albums, but we are finally providing necessary guidance to music-loving fetuses, embryos, and zygotes,” declared RIAA chairman Mitch Glazier, who is rumored to have been pressured into this change by the Trump administration. “The number of Evangelical Christians buying Dying Fetus albums under the impression they contain pro-life messages of worship is bigger than you think. As much as I love to throw down in the pit to some brutal tech-death, I don’t think it’s quite suitable for our in utero music fans.”
Dying Fetus’s founding guitarist and vocalist John Gallagher expressed indifference towards the unusual warning.
“I don’t give a fuck. If anything, those warnings make our albums look cooler and signify to fans that this is the real shit,” said Gallagher, who has threatened to punch or dox any interviewer who asks him about the politics surrounding abortion. “I’m just disappointed that we live in a world where people are so dumb that one could see an album named ‘Make Them Beg for Death’ by a band named ‘Dying Fetus’ showing someone getting their throat slit and wonder what the content inside may be like. It ain’t exactly the Bluey soundtrack. How much more hand-holding do you need?”
Obstetrics researchers have confirmed that any music consumed by a fetus during pregnancy can have powerful effects on the person’s subsequent life.
“We’ve known for decades that playing classical music for a child in the womb can lead to anxiety and unrealistic expectations on math scores in their childhood and teen years,” stated Dr. Laurie Englund, lead researcher at Johns Hopkins Medicine. “But the effects of death metal, grindcore, powerviolence, and related genres are woefully understudied. In an informal study, I played heaps of pageninetynine for my son Gary while he was in the womb, and other than having obsessive-compulsive disorder around the naming of documents, he turned out fine.”
The RIAA has also recently announced that any new albums by controversial ambient musicians will contain a warning of “Parental Advisory: Implicit Content.”
