WESTERVILLE, Ohio — Rebellious and jaded teenager Cory Hall reportedly can’t find a single cause to support despite the plethora of things to rebel against, stated several people familiar with Cory.
“I’m so ready to take down whatever it is that needs to be taken down,” said Hall, who was planning to throw a brick at no building in particular. “I mean I’d choose to go and vandalize something, but I just don’t know of any worthwhile targets. I live in America, the land of the free, everything is just too perfect to rebel as far as I’m aware. Plus I’m really busy with sleeping and catching up on my tv shows. I’d be so happy to rebel if only someone could tell me what to rebel against.”
The teenager’s mother Linda Hall was befuddled about what to do with her son.
“I did tell him what to rebel against! I’m a public defender and I’ve tried talking to Cory about how messed up the criminal justice system is,” said the mother of two while working through a giant stack of client sheets. “I’ve told him about how these people are victims of a violent system of capitalist exploitation and the prison industrial complex but it’s like he’s not even listening. He’ll just roll his eyes and then accuse me of being a part of something. This makes no sense though because who isn’t a part of something? Not this kid apparently.”
Queer, trans, Palestinian, feminist, cancer survivor, and friend Fatima Tabbaa had a more sympathetic tone for him.
“I guess Cory has been going through a lot recently,” said Fatima, sorting through a pile of death threat letters she has received. “I have told Cory about a couple of rallies against ICE he could have attended or that we could’ve used help at the trans day of visibility event, but he told me he was too busy. Plus he couldn’t get this girl to like him so he was feeling pretty bummed, and that’s kind of like my situation where Israel blew up my house. I’m sure he’ll find something to rebel against though someday.”
At press time, it was confirmed that Cory Hall finally found a home with a group of libertarians and their fight against the capital gains tax.
