GAINESVILLE, Fla. — A new episode of the hit HGTV series “House Hunters” is being applauded for its realism after a millennial couple on the show had to choose between a home with deadly asbestos and one actively on fire, according to desperate sources excited to finally own property.
“Because of our stagnant wages and crippling debt, we never thought we’d ever be homeowners, but look at us now!” stated Laura Drysdale as she coughed up blood. “It was a tough choice between finalists because both had so much curb appeal, but in the end this turn-of-the-century Colonial with asbestos narrowly edged out the spacious Tudor burning to the ground, though it did have gorgeous wainscotting before the inferno turned it into ash. Caleb and I can’t wait to start entertaining here, although it will have to be mainly outside on the deck because this poison really does make breathing hurt. Can’t believe this place only cost half a million.”
Some loyal viewers like boomer Walter Cornelius were confused by the episode.
“What the fuck was that depressing shit?” stated the befuddled man. “Normally this series showcases really cool homes, but this time it was just a sad couple who weren’t turned off by the fact that one house was unfit for human habitation because of the presence of a known carcinogen, and the other was surrounded by firefighters. Not to mention that the third house they quickly eliminated from contention was the only one structurally sound and not a death trap, but it was 20 minutes from the city center which apparently was a deal breaker for them.”
Veteran TV producer Bryce Strider explained that shows are trying to more accurately reflect viewers’ economic realities.
“Millennials are thirsty for content that speaks to their everyday lives,” said Strider. “That’s why there’s a whole new slate of upcoming shows specifically geared to this generation. For example, since this demo rarely has disposable income to travel to exotic locations, the new season of ‘House Hunters International’ will just showcase homes from Staten Island. And the people behind ‘Million Dollar Listing’ will be spinning off an exciting new program called ‘Dollar Listing’ for homes that were built on toxic waste dumps and ancient burial grounds. Who said TV was dead!”
At press time, authorities were still searching for the couple after their home was swallowed up by a giant sinkhole which they weren’t aware of since they couldn’t afford a house inspection.
Dua Lipa is an all-around pop star and instant hit writer. Not many can say they wrote the songs “Levitating” and “New Rules” all while being under the age of 30. Still, despite Dua’s impressive rise to megastardom and classic good looks, she too will ultimately be forced to grapple with the unforgiving current of time which leaves you standing at the foot of your own grave, either to accept your fate and die in peace or have your life violently ripped from your tight, relentless grasp. We also caught her eating frozen yogurt one time. She is truly just like us!
Al Pacino is a charismatic, well-respected Hollywood star and a very talented actor. We’re big fans of his movies, especially the ones where he shows his chops playing a smooth-talking mafia boss. But what if we told you even this A-lister is subject to the deep suffering inherent to life, including illness, death, loss, pain, and longing for that which will never come to pass. Who knew we had so much in common with this Godfather icon?
This one came as a shocker to us too. Even Oprah—beloved TV personality and the only person alive with a book club that people care about— will one day find herself aged and alone and left wondering: was it all worth it? What does it all mean? It may have felt meaningful in the moment, and yet these moments pass. It all passes—the love, the anger, the wanting, even the loss. When it comes down to it, these things are all just toys we are playing with, and in the end we will have to put them all back. Is any of it worth it if we must put it all back? These daunting questions are ones that await us all, including Oprah. She’s just like us!
Gordon Ramsay has got to be the funniest TV chef on the air right now! We love it when he hits an amateur chef with that biting British sass. At the same time, this British sass won’t’ save Gordon Ramsay from one day falling to his knees at the cold face of reality, the reality that there is never a right time, that it all feels wrong and that is the very nature of death: it has no mercy, no reason, no vendetta, just the promise to come for all and stop for none. Thanks for staying relatable, Gordon!
Despite seeming like an invincible outgrowth of the Disney teen enterprise, Bella Thorne is—you guessed it—totally defenseless when it comes to the inevitable outcome of this mortal life. But what about her work on Disney’s hit show “Shake It Up” and her advocacy for the dyslexia community? These things may be impressive, but they ultimately will amount to very little in comparison to the feeling of watching everyone she was ever close to being lapped up in the jaws of time.
This “Deal or No Deal” host has had an illustrious career filled with entertainment accolades and cameos on various TV shows that make you go: “Hey, is that Howie Mandel?” Still, even Howie will eventually have to “deal or no deal” with the fact that nothing is promised but the end of consciousness as we know it, and if there is a God he may be cruel or he may be kind, but he will not spare you from robbing you of your blood, your beating heart, and all your earthly attachments.
Kylie Jenner’s Baby, otherwise known as Aire Webster, is one of the most famous babies online today. With an infant net-worth of more money than most people will ever see in their lifetimes, Aire already seems to live a life beyond relatability. Still, even this famous baby will one day grow up and pass through the ages, all the while inching closer to know grief and loss, wounds only to be healed by time and then reopened again as life runs its brutal course. Yes, even this rich baby is just like us!
Last but not least on this list—and a win for some LGBT representation—is uber-famous and now-problematic star Ellen DeGeneres. Little does Ellen know, the various controversies she faced in the past few years are nothing compared to life’s ultimate scandal: death and the fateful question of the manner in which it will be thrust upon you. Now here’s a scandal we can relate to! As it turns out, now-problematic Ellen is just like us. We’re not sure how we feel about this one!