Fellas, your secret carnage castle near the coast is drab and SCREAMS, “My wife decorates our nondescript house in the suburbs because I’m trying to keep a low profile!” Sure, your cabin is where you’ve dismembered dozens of hitchhikers and countless dock workers. Sure, it stinks to high hell of rotting flesh, but your human butcher shop needs a makeover. What fun is having a slay chalet if it isn’t aesthetic? The interior designers at the Hard Times HQ can give you a fresh look that says, “NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!” just as well as it says, “I have impeccable taste in music.”
So, sharpen your knives and arrange an alibi because today we’re carving 20 of our favorite Modest Mouse lyrics into the walls of your murder cabin! (Listen to the playlist, click here)
20. From Point A to Point B (Infinity)
“Point A to point B, oh, I know
Lots of points with no points in between for me
So lonely but never alone, I know
I’m at my house, but I wish that I were at home”
These lyrics from the fifth track on “Sad Sappy Sucker” will really bring out your explorer, growth-mindset vibes. Everyone is on a journey, and we should be open to wherever it takes us–like learning how to balance family, career, and a passion for slaughtering nameless human cattle. Slash these lines into the wall next to your tooth collection and watch your home absolutely radiate a churning sense of listlessness.
19. The World at Large
“I like songs about drifters, books about the same
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane
Walked on off to another spot
I still haven’t gotten anywhere that I want”
As a homicidal sociopath, your maniacal lust for power is only surpassed by your love of art. These “Good News for People That Love Bad News” lyrics perfectly express your lack of meaningful human connection, and they’ll look charming above your first-edition book collection. “The World At Large” will make your study the A24 nightmare palace you’ve always dreamed of! Imagine dismembering a stranger in the backyard and then, hands still shaking from the rush of extinguishing a human life, sitting down to read beneath Isaac Brock’s timeless wisdom. Positively TRAUMATIC!
18. Wild Packs of Family Dogs
“A wild pack of family dogs came runnin’ through the yard
As my little sister played, the dogs took her away
And I guess she was eaten up, okay, yeah, she was eaten up, okay”
Carving this passage from “Wild Pack of Family Dogs” beside a portrait of your own sister will remind you of the time she was dragged into the woods and eaten by a wild pack of dogs. Did you once train some dogs living near your childhood home to be hardened and cruel because you heard this song as a deranged youth? Sure. Did you become their alpha and entice them to creep ever closer to your family? Absolutely. Will these lyrics tastefully memorialize your first steps toward insanity? Stylistically.
17. 3rd Planet
“Well, outside, naked, shivering, looking blue
From the cold sunlight that’s reflecting off the moon
And baby cum angels, fly around you
Reminding you we used to be three and not just two
And that’s how the world began
And that’s how the world will end”
The lyrics to “3rd Planet” are a lot like your favorite steak: cold, blue, and naked which makes them the perfect addition to your patio! Put these lyrics somewhere near the grill because even bloodthirsty hellhounds like to entertain!
16. Dramamine
“Traveling, swallowing, Dramamine
Look at your face like you’re killed in a dream”
It’s toxic to believe that psychopaths don’t need inspirational quotes on their mirrors, too. The motivation to eliminate human vermin while remaining undetected is exhausting! But, what if you remember that you’re an angel with the face of 1,000 fistfights? What if the lyrics to “Dramamine” make you sneer a little harder today? What if we also told you that updating your cabin will increase the resale value when you’re inevitably caught and your slaughter castle is sold at auction?
15. Cowboy Dan
“Because Cowboy Dan’s a major player in the cowboy scene
He goes to the reservation, drinks and gets mean
He goes to the desert, fires his rifle in the sky
And says, ‘God, if I have to die, you will have to die’”
The only wet dream you ever had was the one where you killed God. Who hasn’t woken up in a puddle of their own goo after strangling the Alpha and Omega in their sleep? Slashing these “Cowboy Dan” lyrics into the ceiling above your mattress will look great and remind you to always chase your dreams.
14. Every Penny Fed Car
“So you spilled every last penny into the car
And it still won’t even barely leave your home
So you spilled every last penny into the car
And it still won’t take you where you need to go”
Even unhinged maniacs need a hobby, and restoring the Saab you committed your first hit-and-run with is yours! Gouging the lyrics to “Every Penny Fed Car” in your log cabin garage will remind you how chaotic and uncaring the universe really is. While rehabilitation is impossible because you’re too far gone, you might be a passable mechanic should you have to go on the run and assume a new identity!
13. Coyotes
“And we say, we’re in love with all of it
And we say, we’re in love with everything
And we say, what can we say?
And we say, we’re in love with all of it
And we say, we’re in love with everything
And we lie, we love to lie”
Making your guests feel welcome and at ease is an important element of hosting. They should believe that you’re honest, trustworthy, and generous. But you’re a human butcher with no values or redeeming qualities! So they’ll be surprised once you flip the coffee table and shout, “YOU’RE GONNA DIE TONIGHT, AND NO ONE’S GONNA FIND THE BODY! YOU’LL BE JUST ANOTHER RED SMEAR ON MY BASEMENT WALL!!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!” When that happens, just point to these, and they’ll get it. It’s just the polite thing to do.
12. Lampshades on Fire
“Our eyes light up, we have no shame at all
Well, you all know what I’m talking about
Shaved off my eyebrows, let ’em fall to the ground
So I can’t look surprised right now”
Remember in “Silence of the Lambs” when Buffalo Bill was a freak for putting on makeup? Well, the world has evolved, and it’s okay for men to groom themselves like the golden gods they are now. Grab your most flexible blade and get your swoop on because these lines are going to look almost as good as you look standing in front of the mirror naked, hairless, and caked in the bloody entrails of what used to be your family’s cat.
11. Classy Plastic Lumber
“Cause I’m a bastard bastard bastard
In my lipstick I’m so much fun”
Who doesn’t love a photo booth? It’s always fun to put a sassy little phrase in the background so everyone knows it’s the last picture they’ll ever take and that they had better smile if they know what’s good for them!
10. Gravity Rides Everything
“When we die some sink and some lay
But at least I don’t see you float away
And on spilt milk, sex and weight
It all will fall, fall right into place”
These perfect lines from “Gravity Rides Everything” will look great on the dinghy you hang from your ceiling. The words will remind you to always be sure you weigh down remains before you drop them in the lake or those pesky little buggers will come back to the surface! No one was upset that the prep cook in the local restaurant died, but they were pretty pissed that his corpse burned out their trolling motor. Keeping these words around is as practical as it is insane!
9. Never Ending Math Equation
“Infinity spirals out creation
We’re on the tip of its tongue, and it is saying
“Well, we ain’t sure where you stand
You ain’t machines and you ain’t land
And the plants and the animals, they are linked
And the plants and the animals eat each other”
What cabin in the woods would be complete without something cute in the laundry room?! This is where you spend so much time burning off your fingertips, making bleach buckets to wipe down the prison cell, and burning bloody clothes in the incinerator hidden in the wall! If you don’t have enough space to gouge the timber, try putting these lyrics on a cute little canvas.
8. Doin’ the Cockroach
“One year
Twenty years
Forty years
Fifty years
Down the road in your life
You’ll look in the mirror
And say, ‘My parents are still alive.’”
Every home should celebrate family which is why you have a sepia portrait of your great, great grandparents where a television should be. Their cold, dead eyes bring you waves of agony and joy. Their disapproving glares make you writhe in misery and ejaculate without warning. The fact that your own parents–such sad, forgettable creatures–still exist is proof of your magnificence and mercy.
7. Paper Thin Walls
“These walls are paper thin and everyone hears every little sound
Everyone’s a voyeurist, they’re watching me watch them watch me right now”
The only thing that’s paper-thin in your cabin are the remnants of human leather you use to make wallets, and your Etsy store is getting orders day and night. So pound this paranoid wisdom into the wall directly beside the secret window that looks straight into the fish cleaning station on a nearby dock. Plus, this will really pair so well with your antique binocular collection.
6. Ocean Breathes Salty
“Well, that is that and this is this
You tell me what you want and I’ll tell you what you get
You get away from me (you get away from me)
You get away from me”
Clearly, this is the perfect thing to put on your porch to keep those pesky solicitors away. You don’t want nosy, magazine-sellin’ interlopers to smell the putrid stench of decay and ruin all your fun. This is the perfect way to say, “As a disenchanted former young person, I have made cranky-ass music my personality,” while also saying, “Please respect the privacy of my home.” If they still ask if you’d like to subscribe to “Sports Illustrated” or sign a petition that gives fish the right to vote, just tell them your checkbook is in the basement. You tried to warn them.
5. Satin in a Coffin
“Often times you know our laughter
Is your coffin ever after”
“Satin in a Coffin” really understands that being a Millenial murder-fiend means connecting senseless acts of violence to your greater sense of detachment. We kill, but outside of the thrill of inflicting pain, do we ever really feel alive? After you chisel this helpful reminder to turn your frown upside down into the wall, you’ll never stop smiling. Ever. No matter how uncomfortable it makes anyone that can see your hardened, leathery face.
4. The Stars Are Projectors
“God is a woman and the woman is
An animal, that animal’s man, and that’s you
Was there a need for creation?
That was hidden in a math equation, and that’s this
Where do circles begin?
Where do circles begin?”
Honestly, are these lines from a song on “The Moon and Antarctica” or something you said after snorting a line of Ketamine? Because they are–like you, a God-King among insects–perfect and flawless. This holy scripture belongs somewhere near your stainless steel dissection table that you sometimes do Sudoku on.
3. Tundra/Desert
“Get too creative ordering our drinks
And mine stinks, mine stinks
Get too creative ordering our drinks
And yours stinks, yours stinks, yours stinks”
What your cabin’s wet bar really needs are the lyrics to a song that sounds like demonic disco. If you’re feeling extra vibey, display them in custom pink neon lights. You can find those online without posting a cryptic Craigslist ad meant to lure an unsuspecting simpleton into a 4 foot cell. Resist all urges to ask the artist what their greatest fear is and simply mention that you like Modest Mouse and want to make your single plastic gallon of vodka less depressing. Please don’t kill the artist.
2. Bukowski
“If God controls the land and disease,
Keeps a watchful eye on me,
If he’s really so damn mighty,
My problem is I can’t see,
Well who would want to be?
Who would want to be such a control freak?
Well who would want to be?
Who would want to be such a control freak?”
Can anyone really define what insanity is? Probably not–which is why you should slap Isaac Brock’s most important questions up in your home gym! Let these words wash over you as you train to become nature’s most perfect killing machine. You don’t need motivation or discipline because you are a fit, agile, and absolutely gorgeous instrument of the natural order. Bench press hundreds of pounds while you listen to this solemn, accordion-driven song and remember that you are a wildfire. You will cleanse the forest so a new, more perfect one may grow in your likeness.
1. Secret Agent X-9
“Got a race car grin and a calculation
An elegant gun for a secret agent
Defunct that time bomb
At the space station”
Honestly, we’re not even sure we can pretend to know what the fuck this means or where it would look cute in your cozy murder hut. Just throw it up on the wall somew–”HEY! YOU DID IT ALREADY?! IT LOOKS SO GOOD NEXT TO ALL THAT BLOOD! YOU WERE REALLY LISTENING!”
“YES!!!!! WE WOULD LOVE TO SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE IN THE SHED! WE DIDN’T EVEN THINK OF THAT!!!”
“Tales from the Crypt” is known for its puns, but you gotta respect putting one right there in the title of the episode. That being said, this one was a letdown, brief nudity-wise. You know there were boobs on set. Bill Paxton and Brad Dourif? They were probably beating off boobies left and right just to get to and fro. I bet they even had a cool nickname for themselves, like the Boobie Brothers or something. Would it have killed you to put just one of those boobs on camera HBO? Our free weekend ends tonight, thanks for nothing!
No boobs. Superman is in it, but he doesn’t fly or anything. Zero stars.
If you’re gonna have a horror anthology show, you gotta have a couple creepy doll episodes. This particular one features an embarrassment of riches when it comes to talent. Directed by Richard Donner, co-written by “The Shawshank Redemption” scribe Frank Darabont, and starring legendary insult comic Don Rickles playing against Bobcat Goldthwait. It’s a stacked episode, except when it comes to stacks. Not a single boob in the whole damn thing. I stayed up past 11 on a school night for this?!
This was Tom Hanks’ directorial debut, and we have just one note: boobs! Come on man, you were in “Bachelor Party,” you know how this works! It’s a satisfying ‘con-man meets macabre demise’ tale, but since it revolves around a black widower targeting rich old women, it’s almost impossible to masturbate to. 2 stars.
Over the years we’ve come to respect the hell out of character actor M Emmet Walsh’s work. At the age of 12, staying up past bedtime with HBO on mute literally praying to see breasts, we hated him. One look at him and we thought “Great, another boobless episode of “Tales from the Crypt,” why do they even do these?!”
There was a time in this country when hard-hitting shock-journalists dominated the media landscape. In this episode, we meet reporter Horton Rivers, who is filming on location at a supposedly haunted house. What does his crew find? Not a single goddamn boob that’s what. Big points for incorporating the found footage horror style years before “The Blair Witch Project” but if there’s one thing a sleazy early ’90s journalist should understand it’s “sex sells.”
Another Richard Donner/Frank Darabont collaboration sees an old west gunslinger confronted by the ghosts of his past. Well, apparently no one in this dude’s past had big ol’ titties. Negative 4 stars.
We had high hopes that “top billing” was a trademark Crypt Keeper pun of some kind, and that the episode would feature lots of babes tops. As soon as the name Jon Lovitz came on the screen we knew that could not be the case. Jon plays an annoying actor who can’t get a part because of his looks (big stretch) and decides to murder his competition. We turned it off halfway through to see if we could make out any action from the static on the Spice channel.
A rich elderly man undergoes an experimental procedure to make himself young again in order to satisfy his much younger girlfriend. Okay, we get that not all of these can have boobs in them, even at 12 we understood it’s a roll of the dice, but this one was directed by Arnold Schwarzenegger! The guy who gave us 3 breasted women in “Total Recall!” Thanks a lot, Governator, how am I supposed to pump my iron to some young bodybuilder with William Hickey’s voice?
This might be the first thing Traci Lords was in where she doesn’t show her boobs. This one hurt.
Ugh, I don’t know, this one looked like it was gonna have boobs like there was this hot lady on top of this lumberjack guy and they were doing sex stuff in their underwear, but then I heard my mom come down the stairs so I had to change the channel and pretend to be asleep. Thanks mom. Lame.
A tale of jealousy and murder set in the modeling world that somehow manages to lack even the briefest of nudity. Really dropped the ball here Mr. Crypt Keeper.
Tim Roth stars as Jack Craig, a struggling artist who can still afford a huge studio space because it’s a TV show. When Jack finds that only his most macabre paintings sell he realizes he has no choice but to kill for inspiration. It’s an interesting commentary on our obsession with death and the role of the artist, which raises a lot of questions. Questions like “Why couldn’t he just paint boobies?” This episode could be wall-to-wall boobs, and then like a ghost or whatever, but sadly they went a different way. There is a sex scene where you do see a lady’s butt which is super cool, but her nips stay just out of frame. 2 stars.
A farmer tries to sleep with a blackmailed semi-captive girl on his farm by exploiting her mental illness. It’s a pretty messed up plot, but when it first aired and we were in middle school we thought the plot was just “Patricia Arquette is in a wet tank top.” Anyway, he gets what’s coming to him.
A miserly and abusive funeral home owner takes in his nephew after his parents are killed in an accident. The boy clashes with his uncle over his miserly habits, like stealing the corpse’s gold teeth and embalming them with tap water. When he threatens to go to the police the mortician murders him, which is a big mistake in “Tales from the Crypt” and sure enough his nephew’s ghost comes back for revenge. It’s a thrilling episode and the parts where we weren’t frantically scanning the screen for a nipple had us on the edge of our seat. In other words, at no point were we on the edge of our seats.
Sorry to any “Hymns” truthers out there, but one of these has to rank last. This one is the clear winner of the categorically worst. It’s not the most inferior piece of music you’ve ever heard. It’s just that when you’re listening to it you’re reminded that you could be spending your time with other more satisfying Bloc Party releases that made you fall in love with them in the first place. Life is too short to listen to a band’s sixth-best album.
“Alpha Games” may be their latest full-length album but, perhaps surprisingly, it contains some legitimate classics from the band. All you have to do to identify them is listen to more than the 10 seconds of each track that you did when you first perused this album. How dare you skim a Bloc Party album. Show some damn respect.
With Bloc Party’s fourth official release, we see the band evolve yet again, despite some fans’ desire to keep them in a little box that just has the year “2005” written on it. The album still contains energetic and eloquent songs like they always do, but this release also gets heavier at times with songs like “Kettling,” “We Are Not Good People,” and “So He Begins to Lie.” At this point, it’s almost like Bloc Party is showing off how much they can evolve in a single lifetime. Stop making us all feel bad for not changing our ways or trying new things in decades.
If we were ranking Bloc Party album covers by horniness, this one would easily win. Unfortunately, we’re judging on musicianship here. With “Intimacy,” Bloc Party seemed to have combined the raw energy of “Silent Alarm” with the technological advances of “A Weekend in the City.” The result is a nice compromise of what Bloc Party fans want (more “Silent Alarm”) and what Bloc Party actually wants (I have no idea. Something with electronics maybe?). Either way, this one is more enjoyable than what some curmudgeons might have you believe.
The further you dig into Bloc Party’s discography, the more you realize their B-side game is one of the strongest in music history. And one of the greatest parts about “A Weekend in the City” is the tracks they recorded that didn’t even make the cut. It’s almost like the band has a terrible gauge of which of their songs actually belong on the main album. Finally, we figured out something Bloc Party is bad at and a weakness in their process.
Good lord no. Beard or no beard any threesome involving First Officer Riker would be a nightmare. Best case scenario he rebukes your advances and reminds you “On this ship we do sex by the book!” Worse case, he’s all horned up and agrees. You walk into his quarters and he greets you in a silk robe that is way, way too short, even for sex. Riker is definitely the kind of guy who serves raw oysters to people he’s about to fuck, so there’s that to deal with. Then when you think he’s finally going to get down to business, out comes the “seductive” jazz trombone. How this lame hack ever wound up with Deanna Troi we’ll never know, but don’t make her mistake!
Well, first off, we’re pretty sure Wesley is underage during the entire run of TNG, so that’s a hard no. Even if he wasn’t though, he would still be a bit too uh, you know… Wesleyish. This character basically existed as a way for Gene Roddenberry to insert himself into Star Trek, do you really want to let him insert himself into your relationship? A quick Google search into Roddenberry’s personal life and attitude towards women will tell you no, hell no you do not.
You don’t want your first threeway to be with a know-it-all, especially one who cuts your hair.
Anyone who can’t see the basic humanity in Data is not emotionally equipped for healthy group sex.
Sex with any Klingon carries certain risks, both due to their temperament and, probably, their anatomy. You’ve seen their foreheads, imagine what they’re working with down there! Add to that the fact that Gowron is a politician through and through, with, presumably, the deviant appetites of the elite, the rewards here are just not worth the risks.
She slept with Riker despite being the only character to adequately hate them, and while both parties suffered memory loss at the time, you just can’t trust those instincts.
Reginald acts out self-aggrandizing sexual fantasies with copies of his co-workers on the holodeck, and that’s just the part of his depravity they allowed on television in the early ’90s. You don’t want to know how far Reg’s rabbit hole goes.
Half Klingon, half human, all woman. Talk about a total K.I.L.F. K’Ehleyr identifies more with her human side and tries hard to keep those explosive klingon tendancies in check, until she finds herself in a combat situation or, presumably, the bedroom.
The main difference between Romulans and Vulcans is that Romulans fucking FUCK. None of that life of quiet meditation and mate every seven years nonsense. While undoubtedly a skilled cocksman, Tomalak can be duplicitous and deceitful. Don’t just take his word that he’s tested and had a vasectomy in college.
Geordi is the kind of guy who would talk a big game leading up to the threesome but at the end of the day, he’s a try-hard clingy mess who has no idea what he’s doing romantically. Get a few more at-bats under your belt and we’ll talk, okay Geordie? No, holodeck girls don’t count.
Well, he did win Counselor Troi over, so he must be doing something right in the bedroom. Then again, so did Riker. As a Klingon raised by Russian humans, Worf is out of place wherever he goes, and even the most basic emotional situations can make him flush with awkwardness. Get a few Romulan ales in him and he might be fun, but the breakfast would be excruciating.
While presumably equipped with the same sexual functionality and flawless mechanical stroke as his brother Data, Lore’s unstable emotional matrix makes him a selfish lover.
Miles is a great guy and probably a fine lover, but we have a hard time believing that the most Irish man in space is open-minded toward things like group sex.