So you’ve decided today is the day you knock off your neighborhood pawn shop in order to repay some debts you accrued while in prison. You’re going to need the help of your handsome neighbor (who is trying to bang your wife by the way) and you’re going to need the right tunes to get you excited. We have good news, they basically made a movie about this exact scenario, and that movie has a complete soundtrack we plan on ranking so you know which song to play right before you start busting some heads.
19. Cliff Martinez “Wrong Floor”
If this song gets you excited for armed robbery then you are far more psychotic than you realize. This sounds like the music they play in the lobby of some new-age place where you pay $65 for some hippie to put warm rocks on the back of your knees.
18. Cliff Martinez “I Drive”
Wait a second, this is basically the same exact song as before. This is not what you need right now. Fight the urge to fall asleep, take some of those pills you bought off that trucker last year and see if they get your heart racing, because this is a snoozer.
17. Cliff Martinez “He Had a Good Time”
Remember last year when the guys on the job site dared you to jump from the third floor of a building into a dumpster full of cardboard? You turned “Ride the Lightning” up to full blast and jumped. Yeah, you hurt your back, got addicted to painkillers, and now your life is screwed, but you need to return to that level of energy, not this somber background music.
16. Cliff Martinez “Where’s the Deluxe Version”
Hey Cliff, more like “Where the fuck is the fucking guitar?” Am I right? I’m starting to think this Cliff Martinez guy just sits at a keyboard all day thinking to himself “How can I write a song so boring that it makes you fall into a coma?” Mission accomplished. Not a single armed robbery has ever occurred while listening to this song.
15. Riz Ortolani “Oh My Love” feat. Katyna Ranieri
Ok, at least this song has lyrics, the problem is that this song seems like something a cartoon Ladybug would sing to a flower in a Disney movie from the 1940s. What we need right now is a song from one of the wolves inside of you sung to the other wolf inside of you about how much society sucks.
14. Cliff Martinez “See You in Four”
Nothing about this song makes me want to rob a business. You couldn’t even rob a liquor store to this song. Imagine you’re inside, screaming “Get down, get down, or I’ll blow your head off!” while this music played in the background. That’s unhinged behavior my friend.
13. Cliff Martinez “On the Beach”
I keep having to turn this song up louder and louder to even know it’s playing. If you are about to rob a pawn shop then chances are you were at Woodstock ‘99 and chances are you stood right in front of the speakers when Korn was playing, you’re hearing doesn’t recover from that so this song barely registers.
12. Cliff Martinez “Kick Your Teeth”
Judging by the song title, this should be akin to Limp Bizkit circa 2003. But unfortunately, Cliff Martinez doesn’t seem to write music for people who were dishonorably discharged from the Army for assaulting a caterer at a Christmas party. We could really use some Durst energy right about now.
11. Cliff Martinez “My Name on a Car”
I’m starting to think Cliff Martinez doesn’t know how to party. If he came to your party and someone said “Hey Cliff, play us something on the keyboard” you would want something that rocks, if he played this everyone would be like “Keep your cocaine, I’m going to make it an early night.”
10. Cliff Martinez “They Broke His Pelvis”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me for thinking ol’ Cliff would surprise me. If you told me you’re listening to a song called “They Broke His Pelvis” I’d assume it’s a song about a guy jumping the barrier at a Pantera concert and security putting the boots to him, instead we get audible Ambien.
9. Cliff Martinez “Rubber Head”
Remember when you stayed at that fancy hotel because you just won a settlement from Arby’s because you found a huge clump of hair in your roast beef sandwich? This was a lot like the music from the pornography pay per view screen. Simpler times.
8. Cliff Martinez “Skull Crushing”
If I ever see Cliff Martinez on the street I’m going to beat the crap out of him and his entire family. When Devourment wrote “Baby Killer” did they play a soft little ambient song with no lyrics? No, it was heavy and it was about killing babies. Cliff seems to take skull-crushing very lightly, and that’s a problem for me.
7. Cliff Martinez “After the Chase”
This song starts off heavier than any song before it, so for a brief shining instant you might think it’s time to kick in the door of the pawn shop, break the jaw of the guy behind the counter with your gun, and load your Jansport full of cash. But, then the song turns into another wimpy effort.
6. Cliff Martinez “Hammer”
I owe everyone reading this an apology. Based on the premise of the movie I thought this soundtrack would rock as hard as Oz Fest 2005. But not once have any of us been rocked. “Hammer” builds to something that almost resembles rocking and then cuts off. I’ve never been more upset in my life.
5. Cliff Martinez “Bride of Deluxe”
Holy crap, I think this song has a guitar in it. And it sort of has a fast tempo. With the right cocktail of alcohol and prescription medications you could get messed up enough to actually pull this off. But if you miscalculate the cocktail you might just end up dancing in the parking lot until the cops come.
4. Desire “Under Your Spell”
Ok, no more Cliff Martinez from here on out, unfortunately things don’t get much better. If you were hoping for blistering guitar, double bass, and growling vocals then this song isn’t for you. I’m pretty sure this was the song that was playing in American Apparel when you tried robbing that place in 2010
3. College “A Real Hero” feat. Electric Youth
Rounding into the top three and not a single note of this song should make you want to commit armed robbery. If anything it’s more likely you will end up texting your ex, finding out she’s married now. She has kids, she seems happy. You should let her go, you have more important things to focus on right now.
2. Chromatics “Tick of the Clock’
In all reality this just sounds like Cliff Martinez drank a strong cup of coffee and wrote a song in 15 minutes. This is only at number two because there isn’t a single Hatebreed song on this soundtrack. Why is that? Would it kill them to add a little Hatebreed?
1. Lovefoxxx, Kavinsky “Nightcall”
The only, and I mean only, reason this is number one is because a wolf howls at the beginning of the song. And you my friend are an alpha male, an apex predator, a man with nothing to lose. It’s time to stop sitting around thinking about it. Go rob this pawn shop, maybe they will have a few Slayer CDs for sale in there you can listen to after to wash the taste of the “Drive” soundtrack out of your mouth. That is if you survive of course.
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Sadly my editor wouldn’t let me put every album in a six-way tie for first, so here’s the band’s final album in last place. While it features all of the trademarks of a late-period Dillinger album – a mix of mathcore hissy fits, soaring rock choruses, and virtuosic instrumentation – it never truly shocks you with something you’ve never heard before from the band. Granted, with it being their final release, looking back into their two-decade history and mining it for inspiration makes it an apt swansong. There are some quirky left turns like Mahavishnu-esque strings and a trippy IDM detour that sounds like a rejected Aphex Twin B-side. There’s also that scream in “Honeysuckle.” You know the one.
Replacing a beloved frontman isn’t easy. However, when Dimitri Minikakis left the group after only one album, Dillinger knocked it out of the park with the addition of human bicep Greg Puciato. Not only could he deliver a deranged scream like his predecessor, the Italian stallion can croon like a lounge singer with a martini in his hand. His clean vocal chops are showcased most notably on “Setting Fire to Sleeping Giants” and “Unretrofied,” two tunes that have more in common with Faith No More and Nine Inch Nails than anything else in their catalog at that point. This pissed off a bunch of cranky metalcore dudes and set the precedent for future Dillinger material that would resemble actual music.
“One of Us is The Killer” answers the question “What if the Dillinger Escape Plan made another record that’s just really fucking good like their previous ones?” “Prancer” and “When I Lost My Bet” might be the best opening duo of the band’s career and the whole record masterfully blends their more melodic tendencies with the chaotic hardcore of their early days. Killer also features one of their better token instrumental songs in the wonderfully janky “CH 375 268 277 ARS” (rumor is that if you can guess what the title means, they must reunite). My money’s on Billy being the killer, by the way. It’s always the unassuming ones.
There are several dudes out there who smell like garbage and have Man Is the Bastard neck tattoos who will tell you that this is the only good Dillinger Escape Plan album because it’s the gnarliest. There’s no clean singing, no quasi-radio-rock bangers, and the instrumental interludes feature looped samples, squelching noise, and grinding machinery. Is it Dillinger’s best album? No, but is it their most important album? Absolutely. It kicked off a legendary career with one of the most deranged and unique debuts in the history of punk and metal. “43% Burnt” is also a great song to put on at a party when it’s 3:00 a.m. and the only people still there are three weird guys doing key bumps in the kitchen and you want them to leave.
While every Dillinger Escape Plan album is varying degrees of weird, this is the weirdest one by a significant margin. While Miss Machine introduced some new flavors to the Dillinger recipe, “Ire Works” swung the fridge open and started throwing everything into the pot (I shouldn’t write these when I’m hungry). There are straight-up pop-rock songs, Warp Records-style electronics, Indonesian gamelan bells, Latin percussion, and all sorts of other silliness. “Ire Works” can be a bit of a jumbled mess at times, but that’s what makes it so compelling considering it’s from a band known for its robotic precision. The promo cycle for this album also yielded Greg singing on Conan O’Brien’s desk which gives it substantial bonus cred.
Very fitting that this record is called “Option Paralysis” as that’s what I experienced when deciding what to put at number one. In revisiting the discography, it was this record that made me go “Wow, that was fucking cool” more than any other. While albums like “Ire Works” and “Miss Machine” tracks can be organized by the heavy songs, the pretty songs, and the weird songs, the bulk of “Option Paralysis” blends all three vibes seamlessly within the same compositions. It stuck a middle finger to the rearview and firmly told anyone hoping for a “Calculating Infinity” Pt. 2 that they would never get what they wanted. It’s the heaviest, catchiest, and most adventurous album by a band that does all three things better than anyone else.
Turns out inviting that old lawyer to one of your sex-and-cocaine afterparties isn’t such a bad idea after all.
If your current singer is a hard-working team player who can sing really well, you could save yourself a lot of time by just letting them continue in their current role.
Whether mailing the news, sending a singing telegram (via your new singer), or breaking up in person, you’re going to want to know where they’re holing up these days.
Sure, you’re a grind band with only guttural vocals, but we recommend having “Oh Sherrie” twinkling somewhere in the background anyway.
This could also be step #1. A simple internet search will indicate if you have to go through the stress of a breakup or if you can just save face by calling them a hero in the media before finding a replacement. (See: AC/DC.)
Is it possible your frontman already knows, and you don’t have to tell them? That would be so great!
And be thorough. You don’t want them wandering back to your next rehearsal claiming they forgot their Nirvana poster.
Soften the blow by easing them into obscurity. Maybe see them off with a gift basket and a card signed by the band.
It worked for Van Halen in 1985.
We know it’s a one-in-a-million shot.
As a concept, Collins’ long-awaited foray into Archies/Partridge Family turf is a fantastic one, but if my editors caught me giving this bubblegum pop album anything but the bottom spot, I’d be put in punk-satire-website solitary confinement with the folks trying to get Captain Beefheart headlines approved. This album seems to exist as an exercise in “how many different ways can we deconstruct “Yummy Yummy Yummy” (in fact “Hot Sour Salty Sweet” straight up pilfers its chorus!) That said, every song on “Ka-Blooey” paints a fluorescent vision of the Dirtbombs leaving a high school dance gig to go solve an animated mystery with their talking pet, and that’s pretty cool. Plus, we love a title with a “Calvin & Hobbes” reference, don’t we folks? Take this ranking with a grain of salt and a few dozen truckloads of Pixi-Stix.
The Dirtbombs’ first full-length LP is probably their least focused offering…but since the Dirtbombs started as a “single releases only” experiment, this is something you just gotta embrace. Hot ‘n heavy live tracks like “She Blinded Me with Playtex” and “Shake!! Shivaree” provide a shambolic looseness that most echoes the type of thing Collins perfected in the Gories (although the Gories themselves are PROUD imperfectionists, they’d be the first to admit.) It’ll definitely leave you pumped and wanting more, and puzzled over why these guys weren’t bigger than the White Stripes. But be forewarned: the album cover may have your parents asking you some invasive questions.
As the album title may give away, this is the Dirtbombs at their most lyrically paranoid…And justifiably so! Have you gotten a load of this planet lately? Woof! Here we have a collection of songs about the downfall of society that are as relevant today as they ever were (folks, we gotta stop this society thing from downfalling, and SOON!) Collins’ vocals are in fine form (when are they not, this guy could croon circles around you with laryngitis) and he even puts the echo effects to good use, amplifying the anxiety factor. Throw in both a Sparks and Dead Moon cover and we’re happy…still upset about that whole “world collapsing” stuff, but, y’know, may as well crank up those guitars while we still have a power grid.
The sheer feat of covering deep Detroit techno tracks and turning them into heavy, driving rock songs is something NASA scientists were probably hard at work on, but lucky for us, the Dirtbombs beat ‘em to it. Their take on pulsating house slabs like Inner City’s “Good Life” are somehow more hypnotic than the originals, letting you get lost in a groove while still never letting you suffer withdrawal from those screeching fuzz guitars we know you kids can’t get enough of. It sounds exactly like a rave is happening after hours at the Ford assembly line. The ‘bombs are always taking the time to salute others’ music, we hope they don’t mind us using this opportunity to salute THEM for once.
This album doesn’t just want you to feel the steady pour of sweat drip down your face, it wants you to wring it out into a highball glass and chug it for more fuel. A straightforward ripper of a record, this one’s all about fun. Highlights include the “rolling down a never-ending cartoon freeway” vibe of “F.I.D.O” and the “how have these guys not written a song about being stuck in the garage yet?” pounder “Stuck in Thee Garage.” Throw this on the next time your head’s in need of a proper banging. “Dangerous?” Yes. “Magical”? Oh hell yeah. “Noise”? No way, baby, this is MUSIC!!!
A masterpiece through and through. Collins valiantly leads his roving team through an endlessly impressive gauntlet of soul and R&B covers that work insanely well when peered at through garage-punk shades. Throw a dart at the tracklist and any one you hit will have your speakers, and your ears, eating good for the next three minutes. From songs everyone knows off the top of their heads like Stevie Wonder’s “Living For the City,” to songs everyone SHOULD know off the top of their heads like “Ode to a Black Man” (off Thin Lizzy frontman Phil Lynott’s second solo album), Ultraglide is the perfect showcase for Mick’s velvet vocal cords. An absolute crash course on some of the finest American music ever made…and we do put the emphasis on “crash,” since this will undoubtedly have you running red lights from singing along.
