Descendents are easily one of the most accomplished punk bands to come out of the 80’s. If you’ve ever listened to punk, you’ve probably heard Descendents at some point. You probably had a Milo tattoo. There is a good chance you listen to “Suburban Home” from your suburban home and think you yourself “What has my life come to?” Well, read these album rankings while you ponder life a bit.
8. Enjoy (1986)
It would be low hanging fruit to say that I didn’t enjoy this album all too much, so I won’t say that, but I’ll still let you know that I was clever enough to come up with it, and probably the first person to do so. This album is a very weird one for the band, they take their sound into some territories they hadn’t gone before, and, maybe for the best, wouldn’t ever again. Bathroom humor is turned up to 11 here, and the band even makes what sounds like an attempt at a metal-esque song with “Days Are Blood,” which tends to feel a tiny bit repetitive over it’s nearly 8 minute run time, making it about 7 minutes longer than what Descendents fans are used to. There are some gems here, but there’s a reason it’s one of the least talked about Descendents albums.
Play it again: “Get The Time”
Skip it: “Orgofart,” unless you’re into that, you sick fuck.
7. All (1987)
Descendents try to be a bit experimental with their sound on this one, and it doesn’t always land. The best songs on “All” are the ones that stick to the tried and true Descendents formula. It’s not a bad thing to experiment, but sometimes it’s just best to stick with the formula that works. Because if you mess with what works, you end up like new Coke, or any Simpsons episode after season 12. Actually, both of those things are still pretty successful. I guess that shows how much I know. Feel free to use that against me when you tell me how bad this ranking is and how your opinion is so much better.
Play it again: “Coolidge,” “Clean Sheets”
Skip it: “Schizophrenia”
6. 9th & Walnut (2021)
If you’re not already into Descendents, this album probably won’t be the one to change that, but if you’re already into them, then it’s definitely worth the listen. It’s a collection of songs that were written before “Milo Goes To College,” before Milo was even in the band, recorded with the lineup we all know and love. It’s definitely interesting to hear where the band came from and get a sense of how they became what they are now. It’s sort of like the Star Wars prequels, minus the whining fanbase that likes to argue whether or not it’s any good.
Play it again: “Nightage”
Skip it: “It’s My Hair”
5. Cool To Be You (2004)
“Cool To Be You” packs a lot of the same style of lyrics about farts, being bullied in school, and never making it with your crush that you heard from Descendents in the ‘80s. The problem with that is that the band was about two decades older this time around. Listen, no one’s above a good fart joke, but a handful of these songs still sound like they were written by a bitter high school kid. However, it’s only a small minority of songs that fall victim to this, and if you can look past those few rough spots, the album is pretty good, even if it sounds a bit too polished at times. The album’s namesake “Cool to Be You” feels more like a grown up Milo taking a more mature look at the feelings of not fitting in that he wrote about in previous albums, “One More Day” is a heartfelt and emotional song about the passing of drummer Bill Stephenson’s father, and “Nothing with You” is just a really fun song, as are most of the other songs on this album.
Play it again: “‘Merican,” a song that every dude with an American flag on the back of their wide body pickup truck really needs to hear at least once.
Skip it: “Dog and Pony Show”
4. I Don’t Want To Grow Up (1985)
If “Cool To Be You’s” sense of humor showed us anything, it’s that the band really took this album’s title to heart. This album features Descendents at the peak of their immature humor (which we here at The Hard Times are so clearly above), and while it doesn’t always land, sometimes it does. And regardless, the songs themselves are really good. They have the raw sound you’d expect from an LA punk band in the ‘80s, and Milo still manages to pull off many sincere moments throughout the album in its occasional step into a more melodic territory.
Play it again: “Good Good Things,” “Silly Girl”
Skip it: “No FB,” “Pervert” (Don’t put these on your “Descendents for kids” playlist)
3. Hypercaffium Spazzinate (2016)
After a 12 year gap following “Cool To Be You,” the band came back with their 7th studio album, and they came back swinging. While the band continues to venture into a more sincere side of their sound with songs like “Without Love” and “Smile,” they also pack in plenty of energy with songs that are reminiscent of their older albums like “Feel This” and “Testosterone,” showing that they’re not getting older, it’s just you. You’re old. You probably saw the headline of this article and thought “The Descendents? I remember seeing them back in the ‘80s,” didn’t you? Let’s get you to bed grandpa.
Play it again: “Shameless Halo”
Skip it: All the songs are pretty solid honestly, just press play and enjoy (callback) this one.
2. Everything Sucks (1996)
Anyone who’s ever read a “top 10 punk facts you didn’t know” probably already knows that Milo took a break from Descendents to go do important science stuff. Well after 9 years, he came back, and much like on “Hypercaffium Spazzinate,” the band clearly wanted to make a statement with their comeback. And that they did. It keeps the Descendents tradition of balancing melody and energy and pulls it off extremely well. Give this one a spin and see why your cooler older cousin was always talking about this album.
Play it again: “Everything Sucks,” “Rotting Out”
Skip it: The little space between “Thank You” and the hidden track, “Grand Theme”, because “Grand Theme” is super fun to listen to, and my attention span just can’t take the wait.
1. Milo Goes To College (1982)
After clicking on this article, you probably went right to the end to make sure this is number one. It is, don’t worry, you can go back and start the article from the beginning now. This paragraph will still be here when you get back. This is considered their magnum opus for a reason. It never lacks energy, but it never feels too aggressive. It’s often credited as being the starting point for melodic hardcore, which is objectively the best punk genre, regardless of what your friend with a concerning interest for d-beat might insist. Aside from a few questionable lyrics that the band has now decided to leave out in live performances, the album doesn’t have any low moments. It’s an iconic punk album for a reason.
Play it again: “Catalina,” “Jean Is Dead,” “Suburban Home”… Actually, just keep the whole album on repeat.
Skip it: Don’t bother, the songs are so short that they’ll be over before you can hit the skip button.
This guy is lawful-evil incarnate. As a rule, never trip with someone who has had anyone lobotomized before, especially their own wife. He was a monstrous husband, even by the metric of ‘40s rich white guys, and not much better of a father. I would trip with my own Dad before I tripped with Beatrice’s.
This would be like eating shrooms with Jeff Bezos if Jeff Bezos had confirmed kills. The only reason he’s not dead last is because he’s voiced by Stephen Root, and isn’t that guy just a treasure?
Obviously a poor choice, he’s a narc and he loves entrapment. Even if he was going to be cool about it, the guy is a loose cannon.
Somehow on a show where most of the characters are animals, Vance is the one most likely to bite you. He starts as Mel Gibson and then somehow gets worse. Unless you like being in the background of TMZ celebrity meltdown videos or getting brought to sketchy parties and ditched, Vance is one of the last people you want to do drugs with or even be around.
Wow, 5 entries in and I am already regretting my decision to trip with one of these characters. Well, Butterscotch is a stone-cold bummer. Even the fact that he’s a talking horse won’t charm you out of being dragged down by his self-serious degenerate Jack Kerouac wannabe demeanor—another hard pass.
Tripping on mushrooms while an aged and bitter J.D. Salinger calls you a phony is literally something that happens when you go to hell.
One of the unwritten rules of tripping is “Never trip with a cult leader.” In fact, they really ought to write it down, it’s pretty important. It’s been proven that hallucinogenic drugs can put the user in a more suggestible state, and once I reached that state this dude would yes-and me out of house and home for sure.
Some research has suggested that mushrooms can actually help repair the brain, but probably not after your evil husband cuts a big piece of it out. Sorry, Honey. For, like, a lot.
I wouldn’t even buy mushrooms from Ritchie Osbourne let alone trip with him. This former child actor turned shady sleazeball drug lord pimp is one of the most despicable characters on the show, and on this show that’s saying a lot. Go home, Goober!
There’s only one news anchor I: would ever do shrooms with and Peter Jennings is dead.
If I wanted to spend my entire mushroom trip with an overly critical voice telling me I’m inadequate I would just do it alone.
Sure, Ralph is “nice,” but he’s a total square! He’s definitely never done mushrooms before, and I don’t want to have to babysit him after he peaks and realizes his privileged family is racist toward cats.
Best case scenario, Flip would spend the entire trip telling you how brilliant his latest project is. More likely, he’ll get insecure and violent and do whatever he can to get you naked.
I mean, hopefully, he’s sober again, right? Right?
He would be charming at first, but then your third eye would open and you would see right through him.
I feel like Gekko would find a way to make tripping a competition somehow. Like she would make a bunch of passive-aggressive brags about how the shrooms are hitting her harder and how much better her visuals are, and suggest I look into getting on her level.
“Hey, it’s not like we’re strung out on LSD!”
If you think the titular character belongs at the top of this list you haven’t watched the show. Sure he can be fun if you catch him on a good day, but the wind never stays just right for BoJack very long does it? One minute he’s the life of the party buying restaurants on a whim just to show off, the next he’s calling himself from your phone to make it look like he wasn’t there when you overdosed.
He’s part Quentin Tarantino, part spider, two creatures whose work I respect (making cool movies and controlling fly populations respectively) but never want to be alone in a room with. Especially on drugs.
I’m as pro-choice as the next guy but Sextina’s celebratory views on abortion might be a little heavy to handle on shrooms.
Hollyhock can’t handle her high, and if she winds up panicking and going to the hospital you’ve got eight pissed-off dads to answer to.
Let’s open the allegorical door right from the get-go: Silverchair truly doesn’t have a bad album, and their sophomore LP “Freak Show” still shines brighter than most ‘90s records and a carefully cultivated combination of blue-green petrol and piss yellow-green chlorine. Still, one entry had to be listed last, so we encourage you to start freaking out both your body and soul right now and for the rest of your lives. 1997’s “Freak Show” is the equivalent of Green Day’s underrated “Insomniac,” which came out just two years before. Why? Well, “Insomniac” is also a second major label release, and both “Freak Show” and “Insomniac” are angry follow-ups to breakout studio albums with better production but slightly worse songs. Another note worth mentioning is that all of the pieces but one listed here’s “play it again” sections highlight said album’s opening tracks; Silverchair sure knows how to start a party.
While Silverchair obsessors low, high, down yonder, and up above clamor for more and more records, we sadly still think that it’s good that they never had a chance to make a universally known stinker like several post-“Pinkerton” Weezer LPs and every single album and song from Lil Xan. Silverchair’s as-of-now 2007 studio album finale “Young Modern” is their version of Title Fight’s third and also final-as-of-now studio album “Hyperview” in that it was a total divergence record that was both unique and cool, but not as enjoyable as the album that came before it. We’re not sorry at all for saying this, and we know that that previous sentence’s opinion that doubles as a fact will cause you to keep losing sleep; insomnia is for the birds… Swan songs are also literally for the birds.
There are happily no “skip it” tracks for the rest of these album rankings, but we sadly know that this specific sticky slot is going to ruffle some frog feathers. However, you’re always going to be wrong yesterday, today, and tomorrow. In a potentially or kinetically strong take, 1995’s multi-platinum Silverchair effort “Frogstomp” is the band’s “In Utero”. Basically, it isn’t clean enough to be quite like “Nevermind,” but it’s dirty and melodic enough to be mainstream like the previously referenced Seattle three-piece Blissful Heavenly Awakenings Of Ecstasy could only be. Power trios can truly rock hard, and this teenage dirtbag effort deservedly gets its flowers, even if Daniel Johns publicly disavows much of it. Oh well. Bassist Chris Joannou and drummer Ben Gillies probably still privately rock this and find a way to do so with the rest of the band’s extensive and brilliant catalog!
Our point of view: 1999’s “Neon Ballroom” is Silverchair’s “Revolver” in terms of a sound sonic progression that still keeps much of the band’s character, but is far more complex, and, dare we say it, adult. Gasp! Do you feel the same? Regardless, said puberty maturation changes completely make sense as the band were literally not old enough to register for the American military during the release of their previous two albums, but could now legally harm foreigners like all members of the Fab Four. Fun fact: The actual pianist who inspired “Shine,” David Helfgott, for lack of a better word, absolutely freaking shines on “Emotion Sickness” in a haunting and powerful fashion. Don’t Geoffrey Rush through this LP, do not pass go, do not collect $1999 Australian dollars, and please build it up in the year 2023.
After all these years, 2002’s “Diorama” still holds up, and is the band’s “Pet Sounds.” Bold posit? Yes. True? Well you don’t know the truth and Jack Nicholson’s iconic character in “A Few Good Men” knows! Anyway, The Beach Boys, and particularly Brian Wilson, would be honored that a post-grunge band not only also worked with Van Dyke Parks, but created a timeless album filled with a constant flow of good vibrations. Also, it doesn’t get mentioned enough that Silverchair absolutely crushed live, as evidenced by the epic tour on this LP’s album cycle. Still, wouldn’t it be nice if this record received as much love stateside as it did globally? Don’t answer that, as God only knows why. In closing, despite not spelling the word “favorite” with a “u,” it’s clear that a majority of U.S. Americans are idiots, and “Diorama” should have been much more revered here.
