Black Teenager Sentenced to Life Without Possibility of Parole After Making Hush Money Payments to Stormy Daniels

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK — Judge Juan Merchan made a second high-profile ruling earlier today when he gave 17-year-old Shawn Thomas, tried as an adult, life in prison without the possibility of parole after the teenager was found guilty of making hush money payments to adult film star Stormy Daniels.

“The nature of your crimes and abuse of power displayed in covering them up represents an unforgivable betrayal of the public trust and indicates a total impossibility of reform,” declared Merchan during the sentencing. “It has been proven beyond doubt that you offered Ms. Daniels $40 and some Burger King to keep your tryst ‘on the DL,’ so as not to jeopardize your chances of a shift supervisor promotion and $2 per hour raise at an Amazon warehouse. It is my hope that this sentencing will show the American people that such a lack of ethics will not be tolerated in the lower-mid echelons of our nation’s great privatized shipping and receiving companies, may God have mercy on your soul.”

Conservative media pundits were swift to praise the sentencing as a victory for the American Justice system.

“It’s good to know that a broken clock like Merchan can still be right once in a while,” said Tucker Carlson on social media moments after the sentencing. “The fact that Trump is entering his second Presidency with the stigma of a hollow conviction is one of the greatest miscarriages of justice in this or perhaps any century. We all know Trump should have been sentenced to receiving a medal with a bird on it representing freedom. I will, however, rest a little easier at night knowing that this 17-year-old thug is behind bars where he belongs.”

Despite being convicted of the exact same crime to a much lower degree and without any of the political implications that make the payment an actual crime in the first place, President-elect Trump was extremely short of sympathy for Thomas.

“This is why we need the death penalty,” said Trump during a rambling press conference. “Let this be a lesson to anyone out there even considering such a heinous trespass against our great nation without the Supreme Court in their back pocket. Especially if they wear hooded sweatshirts. ”

Thomas tried desperately to communicate with reporters as the gurney he was strapped to was wheeled from the courthouse to a prisoner transport vehicle, but the Hanibal Lecter-style face mask, unfortunately, muffled his words.

Hippie Names Dog Bowie After Phish Song “David Bowie”

Posted on by Tim Graham

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local jam band enthusiast Melody Meadows chose to name her new puppy Bowie as an homage to one of her favorite Phish songs, according to pungent sources.

“Phish is my favorite band, so it was only natural that I’d name my puppy after one of their greatest songs,” said Meadows while knitting a tiny rasta cap for her pug. “I thought really hard about it and finally narrowed it down to Nectar, Fee or Bowie, after their song ‘David Bowie.’ Of course, I ended up going with Bowie because that song is such a blast. It’s crazy how they just sing nonsense words like ‘David Bowie’ and ‘UB40.’ They’re so creative! How do they come up with this shit?”

Friends have had little success in trying to correct Meadows.

“The last time I saw her at a show I tried to explain that the Phish song was referencing a real dude who is one of the most accomplished musicians of all time, but she just couldn’t get it, man,” said friend and fellow Phishhead Lentil Quinoa. “It doesn’t help that we were on a shit-ton of mushrooms at the time, but still. It devolved into a real ‘who’s on first’ situation. I tried to prove it by showing her on my phone but it just wasn’t working. After 45 minutes I realized I was trying to do a Google search on a Nature Valley granola bar. Melody had already gotten bored and wandered off by then.”

Henry Stokes, author of several rock star biographies, worries that Meadows’ mistake is indicative of a generational music literacy problem.

“There’s an education crisis when it comes to rock music today,” said Stokes while applying a Misfits sticker to his CPAP machine. “There are kids out there who have never even heard of The Stooges or Joy Division! Just the other day, I mentioned Captain Beefheart to my nephew and he thought I was talking about a character in an upcoming Marvel movie. I’ll give Ms. Meadows a little bit of credit for being a Phish fan. While they are an objectively appalling band, at least they are well established and could be considered classic by some definitions.”

At press time, Meadows had changed her mind and renamed the puppy Dylan after Timothée Chalamet’s folk singer character in the film “A Complete Unknown” that she believed was entirely fictional.

How I Enhanced My Radiohead Listening Experience by Standing on the Edge of a 9-Story Building

Posted on by Malia Simon

What up Radiohead heads, I’m halfway through my fifteenth re-listen of the entire discography, and I just discovered a new way to seriously enhance the sonic experience: climbing to the top of a 9 story building and gazing longingly at the beckoning ground below.

Any serious fan is no stranger to the fact that you can’t just listen to OK Computer while strolling through the park or chilling at home with a friend—in other words, while enjoying your life. In my now tested experience, the best and only way to absorb the full meaning of a Yorkeian ballad is by standing motionless on the rooftop of a 9-story building and pulling a Kendall Roy-style full-body lean against the glass.

They say set and setting are important when consuming a piece of art, and I can attest that is very true. Whenever a Radiohead song shuffles to the front of my liked songs, in which it was admittedly quite recklessly interspersed, I immediately mount the nearest office or hotel building, shove my earpods deep inside my sockets, and inch my feet as close to the edge as the pesky barrier will allow. Instantly I am plunged into the full emotional depths of “Codex” and its lyrical mysteries. You’d be amazed at the new significance taken on by “Jump off the end, no one’s around” when that is a very real possibility created by your physical circumstances.

If you decide to try this method, just be warned that distractions may disrupt your meditative state. For instance, on my last 2 excursions, I had to calmly explain to the firemen sent by the crowd of people frantically waving their hands below that this is nothing to be concerned about and merely a classic listening ritual for Radiohead fans. People listen to smooth jazz while swirling wine and imagining caressing a lover, and people listen to Radiohead while staring out at the abyss and imagining ending it all so sweetly.

I’m not gonna do it. The fact that I’m standing atop a 9-story building overlooking the interstate highway doesn’t mean I’m gonna do it, nor does the fact that I’m shouting “I’m gonna fucking do it. Would any of you even care?” Like I said, this is merely part of the all-immersive experience I have created for myself as a Radiohead fan. Come to think of it, my entire life has been a series of enrichments I’ve made to get the full experience of the band’s masterworks. From failing to find a lasting and significant romantic relationship to working a soul-numbing job for two and a half decades to having an undiagnosed mood disorder since I was 16, I have been doing everything in my power to make the music sound fucking out-of-this-world, soul-wrenchingly incredible when it hits my eardrums. I like to think I am Thom Yorke’s palette and my excruciatingly painful life is his paintbrush. What’s next? Discovering I’m impotent? My dog dying? Who gives a shit! “High and Dry” is gonna slap.

Vegan Coworker Feels Obligated to Take Third Plate of Giant Uneaten Office Party Salad

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

BEND, Ore. — Vegan office employee Jackie Caplan felt compelled to eat more than her fair share of uneaten greens during a social gathering, confirmed sources who refused to even make eye contact with the salad.

“I mean, it was an ambitious mix of arugula, spinach, kale, shredded carrots, cucumbers, grape tomatoes, roasted red peppers, and sunflower seeds, but coworkers focused on roast beef sliders, shrimp cocktail, and an extravagant dessert bar featuring mini cheesecakes and chocolate mousse cups,” said Caplan. “Meanwhile, I’ve already had two salesmen ask me where I get protein while they both had brownie stains on their shirts. I feel almost like it’s my responsibility to consume these greens to be polite. I don’t even want more salad, but at this point, I feel like I have to prove something.”

Linda Palmer, the self-proclaimed “office mom” and party chairperson, expressed confusion over the salad’s rejection.

“I thought everyone likes salad! It’s healthy, it’s light—perfect for a party,” said Palmer, gesturing to the colorful but largely ignored platter. “I thought about taking a little bit but, you know, I had the baby back ribs and filet mignon instead. Jackie can have it. I asked if she would have some fish since she’s vegetarian or something, and she said no. Then I offered up chicken as a vegan option, but she won’t consume that either. Apparently, she can only eat salad and nothing else.”

Experts note that the phenomenon of uneaten salads at office parties is all too common.

“Fruits and vegetables are often bought out of obligation, not demand,” said Dr. Ruchi Moorjani, a sociologist specializing in workplace culture. “When no one eats it, vegans are left feeling guilted into overcompensating, as if they’re personally responsible for the salad’s existence. It’s like meat eaters don’t understand that vegans actually consume a variety of foods as part of their diets and if they just tried, they’d learn that they actually eat more than just iceberg lettuce. Sure, I’m not sure what else they exactly eat, but I have to imagine there are other foods out there for them.”

At press time, Jackie was seen awkwardly maneuvering a full platter of carrots, broccoli, and celery onto her bus home out of obligation.

Biden Takes Immediate Action On Los Angeles Wildfires By Sending New Weapons Package to Israel

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Biden launched into immediate action to supply federal aid to the raging Los Angeles wildfire by sending a new $5 billion weapons package to Israel.

“Listen Jack, what’s happening in the beautiful city of Los Angeles right now is devastating. I remember the first time I visited LA. I was 26 and I met this really cool cat named Charlie down by the PCH but that’s a story for a different day. We need to focus on helping the people of Los Angeles recover, and to do that properly we need to make sure Israel can defend itself,” said Biden after the funeral service for former president Jimmy Carter. “If this fire continues to grow it could hop the Pacific Ocean, span across Asia, and cause immediate damage to our allies. With these weapons, they will be able to bomb the fire, and engage in tactical strikes in order to make sure the wildfire does not reach their border.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu applauded President Biden for his innovative approach to fighting wildfires contained in the continental United States.

“Our intelligence agency reports there is good evidence that Hamas is responsible for the brutal Santa Ana winds that caused this disaster. We are more than willing to bomb every hospital and school in the great Los Angeles area to help neutralize the threat,” said Netanyahu. “If we do not put an end to the threat of Hamas immediately they might be able to cause more natural disasters. Tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes, and even brutally cold winters are all the handiwork of Hamas leadership. We believe we can exterminate that threat if only we had a few billion more dollars given to us with no oversight on how it is spent.”

California Governor Gavin Newsom also supported President Biden’s plan for federal funds, but will be taking additional action as well.

“We need to pray for Los Angeles right now. These fires are a direct threat to many communities, but we also have to remember that unhoused individuals are often as dangerous as wildfires. That is why I’ll be redirecting resources to help law enforcement officials break up large encampments across the city,” said Newsom while posing in front of some smoldering brush. “I’ve spoken with the largest donors in the city and they all agree that we need to eradicate the homeless population as soon as possible, I think now is the perfect time to make that happen.”

At press time, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass was entering her 16th hour of staring blankly without saying a word after being asked how she will handle the wildfire emergency.

Audiophile Prefers Crackle, Imperfections of Cigarette to Glossy Frequency of Vape

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

SEQUIM, Wash. — Local audiophile and longtime smoker Dale McGovern preferred the crackling sound and imperfections of cigarettes to the glossy frequency of a vape, confirmed sources who immediately tried to get out of a conversation with him.

“Nothing compares to the imaging response tonality and balanced output resolution of a Parliament Light,” said McGovern before asking his friend to turn off the vinyl record they were playing so that he could listen to his lit cigarette. “It just has a much warmer and richer sound than a Juul. Plus, it’s how nicotine was meant to be inhaled. Vapes are just mass-produced bullshit that normies always fall for. They’re too clean, too crisp, and too bright. It’s just like people who stream their music on their iPhones instead of bringing their record player and entire vinyl collection everywhere they go so that they can listen to the best quality music anywhere. Even on the bus.”

Friends of McGovern had just about enough of his elitist disposition.

“This guy actually thinks his lungs can tell the difference between a Marlboro and rosemary banana-flavored smoke. How foolish,” said friend and vape store employee Jace Prodder. “E-cigarettes just allow me to get my nicotine more conveniently. I don’t really care how it sounds or feels. It’s all going to the same place in my body, which is then exhaled out of my lungs and into the faces of everyone around me within an eight-foot radius. And as a bonus, I never smell like I just took a bath in an ashtray in 1974. Clearly a superior carcinogenic product.”

Experts were well aware of these kinds of people’s proclivities.

“Audiophiles are surprisingly all the same,” said pop culture analyst Gracie Braxton. “First, they develop a stubborn preference about how they intake their music. Second, they move onto their nicotine consumption. Next, it’s anyone’s guess how the common audiophile will evolve. They could start preferring horse-drawn carriages to cars. Or they’ll start riding a penny-farthing instead of a bicycle. Some even start to prefer the ‘smooth feel’ of Bing instead of Google. These people are borderline psychopaths.”

At press time, McGovern also revealed that he preferred the warm, crisp taste of chewing tobacco to that of Zyn.

10 Billy Joel Songs To Request Next Time He Crashes His Car Into Your House

Posted on by Steve Packosky

To this day, you vividly remember that Sunday evening twenty years ago. You were out to dinner when your Motorola RAZR V3 rang. You politely excused yourself and answered, only to be greeted by your neighbor Cheryl breathlessly exclaiming “Somebody crashed his car into your house, and I swear to God it’s Billy Joel!” You dropped the phone and ran out of the restaurant, leaving your friends behind as you sped through the streets back to Bayville. You got there in record time, but sonofabitch! The unofficial God of Boomer Rock had already left the scene, leaving you to deal with countless lawyers over the next several months as you tried to patch up the foundation damage (and subsequent drainage issues) resulting from his reckless little late-April stroll.

And what are you going to do, get mad? Fuck no. You’re going to get prepared. We all know lightning can strike twice, so The Hard Times is going to ensure you’re ready when Mr. Long Island decides to give your domicile another kiss on the cheek with his 1967 Citroen. After all, the dude might be a shitty driver, but goddamn is he a great performer. So shell out the dough to get that old Steinway tuned and park your ass by the window, as we give you a guide with 10 songs spanning Billy’s esteemed career (that for the love of Christ does NOT include “We Didn’t Start the Fire”) you can request he play for you the next time he drives his car into your house.

10. Temptation
Alright, let’s get things started! You want to begin with a song that eases you into the night while also building excitement and matching the energy of a freshly demolished living room, and we can’t think of a better opener than 1986’s “Temptation.” So settle in and enjoy this private show courtesy of a very reluctant, uncomfortable, and visibly drunk performer. Isn’t this great?

9. Summer, Highland Falls
This one might be a toughie for ole Billy. He hasn’t played it in a while and those arpeggios are quick. Not to mention he may still be cold and shaken up from the crash just having occurred outside. These are his problems, though. You’ve earned this concert, and you are fully entitled to this song if it’s what you want to hear. Go ahead and look up the sheet music if he requests it, but don’t go caving in to all of his demands. This is your night, after all.

8. The Downeaster ‘Alexa’
You might not possess all the resources Billy needs to perform his iconic ode to the plight of the Long Island fisherman, but whatever. This ain’t Madison Square Garden, so he can cope with the absence of his accordion for one goddamn set. Fuck it, you don’t even need to know barre chords to play this on guitar, so grab your old acoustic off the wall and join in with him. Artists love when their fans impulsively do stuff like that.

7. Stop in Nevada
This is going great! At this stage in his career, he’s just got to be sick of the idiot fan who constantly shouts “Piano Man” during his shows, so you’re definitely a step ahead of that guy. You had to have impressed him with this request, and there will definitely be an appraising nod thrown in with his constant furtive glances at the door. Looks like someone will become his new number-one fan!

6. Los Angelenos
The initial wave of adrenaline from having Billy Joel in your house will likely start to fade by this point, and you’ll start to realize that he’s actually kind of banged up from that wreck. He’ll have definitely earned himself a glass of water (and any bandages he may need) during this song. Best to err on the side of caution and make sure you’ve locked the door while you’re up, though. We’d hate for the concert to get cut short.

5. Sleeping With the Television On
This song is a personal favorite of ours, and definitely has more of an upbeat tone than the last couple, which is good because he’ll definitely have had enough. It’s impossible to not tap your toe to this one, though, so we’re hoping it’ll be an energy boost for him.

4. Rosalinda’s Eyes
This song is absolutely gorgeous, and frankly, we’ve been surprised that it was never a huge hit ever since we first heard it on an episode of “Freaks and Geeks” 25 years ago. We’d love to hear whatever backstory may have inspired the lyrics, but Billy may be more interested in getting out of the house and having his wounds tended to, which is a fine preoccupation so long as it doesn’t affect his performance.

3. Surprises
We’ll take it easy for these last few songs, because Billy definitely will be ready to rest. Let him slow the pace down a bit and do his best Paul McCartney impersonation with 1982’s “Surprises.” We predict that he’ll be absolutely nailing it despite being out of practice and in a completely new and frightening environment. What a pro!

2. Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel)
You can tell him this is the last song, so he’ll really be pouring his heart, soul, and maybe even some actual blood into it (depending on the severity of the accident that brought him here.) The heartfelt lyrics he wrote for his daughter should bring a tear to your eye, which may increase the resentment he’ll have felt for you since you convinced him to play these songs. Oh well, he can tough it out for a few more minutes.

1. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
We know this is an Elton John song, but you really like it, and he crashed his car into your house, for fuck’s sake! If he wanted to avail himself of the privilege of picking and choosing the songs he plays live, he would’ve brushed up on his driving skills before setting out. Remind him that he can for sure leave after this and enjoy the unique rendition. We sincerely doubt he’ll be open to any encore requests, so bravo, Mr. Joel! Bravo!

Aging Millennial Instinctively Still Hides Eminem CDs From Parents

Posted on by Tim Sheard

PONCA CITY, Okla. — Local 36-year-old Shane McThomason recently admitted he still instinctively hides his Eminem CDs whenever his parents visit him, confirmed sources who impulsively did the same.

“‘The Marshall Mathers LP’ is the first of many Eminem CDs that I shove in the back of my personal safe whenever mom and dad stop by,” said McThomason while clearing his Spotify search history in case his parents check. “I just can’t risk having them hear Eminem threaten the life of Moby or even casually utter the name Carson Daly via song. They’d have a meltdown and send me to my room in my own house that I paid for. It’s times like these I wish I just bought the censored versions from Walmart. That way, in the event they found my safe, cracked the code, and played my stash of Eminem, they’d at least think my sources of entertainment didn’t include homophobic slurs and a few F-bombs.”

McThomason’s parents were well aware of their son’s proclivity to hide his interests from them.

“We know he’s been concealing those compact discs from us for years,” said Joseph McThomason. “I guess he’s trying to protect us. We don’t have the heart to tell him that his mother and I actually love Eminem. In fact, we don’t think his vulgar lyrics go far enough. We also know that Shane hides his pot use from us. Little does he know that we steal his weed stash all the time. In fact, that’s why we’re here right now. No one ever suspects the Slim Shady-loving parents.”

Experts sensed a pattern among this generation.

“We are seeing more and more Millennials instinctively hide things from their parents in their adulthood as if they were still teenagers,” said pop culture analyst Michelle Greenway. “Drugs, alcohol, saying the word ‘damn,’ Mortal Kombat, 2 Girls 1 Cup, and 2000s hip hop. Millennials are constantly afraid of imaginary repercussions. It’s not their fault though. Like everything, we can blame this on Boomer parenting. They pummeled their children with excess guilt and they kept that going into adulthood. Eminem is only the tip of the Millennial iceberg.”

At press time, McThomason was also seen hiding his Marilyn Manson CDs from his parents.

“Malcolm In the Middle” Characters Ranked by How Good of a Punk House Roommate They Would Be

Posted on by James Knapp

Finding the perfect punk house roommate is an imperfect process to be sure. Though it should always be implied from the Craigslist posting that the potential roommate should be comfortable living in abject squalor with an ever-rotating cast of unemployed animals who call themselves “activists,” it can still be difficult to find the perfect match.

Fortunately, abject squalor and unemployed animals describe the vast majority of “Malcolm In the Middle” characters, so we decided to host some interviews for potential roommates and ranked some of these characters based on how well they’d be able to handle living in our punk house.

30. Kitty Kenarban

Known colloquially as “Stevie’s mom,” Kitty is an overbearing control freak and, when pushed to it, an absolute explosive asshole. She would keep everyone in line, but at what cost?

29. Craig Feldspar

Craig is exactly the worst kind of nerd. Inviting this dick into your punk house is a fast track to him throwing away half of your record collection because they’re the wrong pressing.

28. Commandant Spangler

Though eyepatches and hook hands are pretty commonplace in punk house living situations, this dude is basically a cop, so don’t even bother opening the door for him.

27. Ida

Ida is a horrible, racist sociopath – and while being a sociopath doesn’t exclude someone from being a punk house roommate out of hand, being a racist piece of shit surely does at that.

26. Mr. Herkabe

Herkabe is the kind of nerd whose behavior actually makes you empathize with bullies. We don’t know which wedgie is the one who finally drove this manipulative bitch over the edge, but we’re confident in saying that even then he definitely deserved it.

25. Lois

Lois’s explosive temper and utter pettiness would be one thing if any of it was actually effective. But after years of screaming demands and doling out corporal punishments her household is still an unlivable hell.

24. Lavernia

Lavernia barely edges out Lois because at least her brand of unnecessary cruelty gets results. She runs a hell of an Alaskan company store, but certainly not one we’d ever want to live in.

23. The girl versions of Reese, Malcolm and Dewey

We only ever see enough of these characters to know that they’re manipulative, irresponsible jerks. But still, you’d probably be able to have some fun doing each other’s nails together before having to kick them out for fucking your boyfriend with the door open for the thousandth time this week.

22. Piama Tananahaakna

Like a lot of these assholes towards the bottom of the list, Piama has some serious anger problems. What she has in her corner though is a pretty consistent track record of trying to make things work out for the best – just when they don’t work out, hide the power tools and make sure she doesn’t change the WiFi password on you.

21. Eric Hansen

This fucking frat boy is gonna talk a big game and then immediately fall to shit when the slightest bit of adversity heads his way. Considering that any punk house living situation is wall to wall adversity, let him buy a keg or two for the party and then kick his whiny ass to the curb.

20. Reese

He’s a dumbass, he’s a bully, and that early 2000s gelled hairdo makes his head look like stale paintbrush. He may be alright for a laugh or two at first, but there are only so many belching contests you can have in one afternoon before the charm is lost entirely. For all his bullying, the man cannot make anyone pay rent.

19. Dabney

This fucker is secretly a jock in nerd’s clothing. Would be barred from entering a basement show. Pass!

18. Lloyd

This fucker is secretly a goth – otherwise known as the jocks of the undercrust. Would kill the vibe of a basement show. Pass!

17. Abe Kenarban

Abe has a good heart, and in general seems like a pretty fun dude. But when the chips are down, we don’t trust him not to call the cops because someone accidentally put their leftover mozzarella sticks on his designated corner of the fridge.

16. Finley

We don’t know much about Finley except that he’s in military school and is kind of a wuss. Still, an affable goon who blends into the background is fine to live with as long as he pays his share of the rent on time.

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Punk Sells Soul to Devil to Get Worse at Guitar

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

U.S. ROUTE 49, Miss. — Local punk and guitar virtuoso Drennen Boydell decided to sell his soul to the Devil in exchange for getting worse at his instrument, sources confirmed as a tumbleweed ambled by, as if on cue.

“I know it’s not something you hear too many people complaining about, but everyone’s always giving me shit for being too good at guitar. Punks in my scene telling me I oughta start a symphonic metal band left and right. A guy can only get roasted so much before he’s gotta look at himself long and hard in the mirror, take stock in what’s really important, and make a pact with Satan, y’know?” said Boydell. “So, I took a page out of Robert Johnson’s book, and headed down to the crossroads to get rid of this pesky soul in exchange for superhuman sloppiness. The only thing I used the soul for was crying at the end of movies anyway, so I figure I’ll save a lot on tissues too, as a bonus.”

The Devil was less than enthused about participating in yet another tired rehash of soul collecting.

“Man, I don’t know how the rumor got started that I was mainly interested in taking ‘souls’ as my main barter, but I’ll rue that day for all eternity. What I could really use is a couple hundred bucks every now and then, I’ll tell you that! Rent down in the fiery depths of Hell ain’t cheap, buddy. I should know, I made it that way!” said the Devil, with a pleasant laugh that betrayed his reputation. “The soul-to-cash exchange rate down here is just getting more and more meager. Things are tough all over, sure, but they’re especially tough in the land of eternal damnation, in my humble opinion.”

Angrier still is the man who owns the house facing the crossroads, the local crank known as Old Man Mahoney.

“You’d think owning crossroads-adjacent property would be a total dream, but take into consideration how often Beelzebub himself shows up in your front yard. That’ll take your resale value down a pretty penny, I tell ya what. The realtor who sold it to me made sure to mention all the natural sunlight and proximity to nightlife, but somehow forgot to say ‘Lucifer may appear frequently while you’re out mowing your lawn,’” said Mahoney, on one of his many rocking chairs. “Plus, to make matters even worse, I’m miles from the nearest hospital or airport. But the devil thing, that’s like, definitely toward the top of my gripes here.”

At press time, Boydell reportedly ended up so bad at the guitar that he’s since switched to being the scene’s best bass player.