Pinback’s “Penelope” Nominated for “Best Song About Goldfish Ownership” for 24th Year in a Row

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SAN DIEGO — Members of the indie rock group Pinback celebrated after their song “Penelope” was once again named the “Best Song About Goldfish Ownership” by the American Fishkeepers Federation, excited sources confirmed.

“Ecstatic is an understatement. I can’t believe we pulled it off again this year, but it turns out not a single other band on the planet is focusing their creative energy towards songs about goldfish. I’m running out of room in my trophy case,” said Armistead Burwell Smith IV, who briefly owned a goldfish named Penelope who inspired the song. “I remember the exact day we came up with the song. It was September 12th, 2001. The Twin Towers had just collapsed, America was on edge, and nobody knew what would happen next. That’s when I looked at my fishbowl and saw Penelope floating there, and I knew at that moment this was an even greater tragedy that we had to write about.”

Ted Rouse, the Director of the American Fishkeepers Federation, said the Pinback song is a valuable tool for goldfish owners.

“Dropsy is no laughing matter. Educating fish owners about this terrible affliction is the best way to keep tanks clean and fish healthy,” said Rouse. “‘Penelope’ is a tragic song about a fish cut down in its prime. Just thinking about poor Penelope makes me tear up a little. But thankfully she did not die in vain. It’s impossible to calculate how many goldfish have been saved because of that song, but I’d estimate it’s at least two dozen. I’ve been trying to convince the band to write a follow-up song that addresses polycystic kidney disease and they keep telling me they are working on it. I’ve been waiting 15 years already so I assume the song is going to be amazing once it’s done.”

Petco CEO Joel D. Anderson admits he has been trying to erase “Penelope” from streaming services.

“This song cuts into our bottom line. We don’t want fish owners to know about common afflictions that befall fish. We want them to buy fish, have them die, and then buy more fish. It might sound heartless, but that’s capitalism for you,” said Anderson while tapping on the glass of a fish tank with his pen. “I’ve lobbied Spotify and YouTube to get the song removed. I’ve bought up old copies of ‘Blue Screen Life’ and burnt them in a trash can in my backyard. Once ‘Penelope’ is gone then I expect Petco profits to skyrocket.”

At press time, Pinback hopes to piggyback off the success of “Penelope” by writing a song about a Red-Eyed Crocodile Skink a family friend received as a birthday gift.

Photo by Mackenzie Kosut

Producers of “Love Island” Announce Punk Spin-Off “Promiscuous Warehouse”

Posted on by Nick Conway

LOS ANGELES — The producers of the hit reality dating show “Love Island” announced a punk spin-off titled “Promiscuous Warehouse,” confirmed sources.

“Mario Lopez’s assistant and Jeff Probst’s stunt double will host the 78-episode season,” said producer Cheryl Lacy while casting solely based on how dirty peoples’ fingernails were. “We’ll have our contestants work 12-hour shifts six days a week in a dinghy warehouse where they can commingle, flirt, and make out in the utility closet if they advance to the next rounds. They will participate in physical challenges like lifting 30 pounds, standing on their feet for several minutes, and holding in their urine for eight hours at a time. Each week a couple will be laid off via internal deliberation process. The one couple left standing will get married and promptly have the marriage annulled 48 hours later after one of them is caught cheating with a former contestant. Just like in a real warehouse, we think.”

Fans of “Love Island” couldn’t be more excited for the new companion show.

“I cannot wait to binge watch this one during my nightly bed rotting sessions,” said reality TV fan Blaine Howard. “Shows like this are amazing because I get to see what it’s like to sleep around while working in a stockroom. That’s exactly why I like ‘The Great British Bake Off.’ I get to see what it’s like for pastry chefs to do hand stuff in the back of a bakery. Very enjoyable watch.”

Experts believe we may be nearing the end of this type of entertainment media format as a whole.

“Reality shows are clearly running out of ideas, so they’re trying to set dating plot lines in curious places,” said pop culture blogger Jessie Jimenez. “We’ve seen bizarre shows like that one called ‘Laying Pipe’ that combined ‘Love Is Blind’ with plumbing where contestants were forced to get to know each other while installing toilets blindfolded. Then there was that one called ‘Change My Oil’ that took ‘The Bachelor’ format and set it in a Jiffy Lube. Contestants had to find love while figuring out why check battery lights suddenly switched on. Let’s just say dating shows are cooked.”

At press time, “Promiscuous Warehouse” was picked up for a second season after realizing warehouse workers were far hornier than initially anticipated.

Random Act of Kindness: The US Just Surprised Israel With A Larger Than Normal Arms Shipment!

Posted on by Amir Adan

Just when you thought international relations couldn’t get any sweeter, we’ve got a story of one long-term pals really showing up for another—the US and Israel! And it looks to me like the US State Department’s love language is giving gifts because we just surprised our closest ally in the Middle East with a shipment of arms double the size of what they asked for! So cool! I couldn’t possibly think of a better use of our money than helping out such a good and reliable friend like Israel.

If we know one thing, it’s that Israel is short on weapons, so it’s incredible that we could really show up for them in this time of need. As the richest nation in the entire history of the world, I can’t imagine a situation where we don’t help another nation out with its weapon stockpile. I mean, they’re using them so fast and so often! Our government would really hate to see their stash get too depleted, that’s why it’s so cool that this is something seemingly everyone in Congress can all agree on!

Of course, a cynic might look at this and caution that the bipartisan US foreign policy apparatus is only serving to enable a genocidal, fascist ethnostate to annihilate a civilian population—nearly 70% of which have been women and children since October 2023—to make room for more illegal settlement on stolen land, or that this entire house of cards that is the apartheid state of Israel is unviable because their society seemingly doesn’t even have the ability to reproduce itself in the long term due to deep internal tensions between the needs of the state’s Zionist military-industrial complex and the convisions of their fastest growing population, Haredi Jews, and that these massive outbursts of violence against Palestinians seek to only distract from their unstable foundation at the cost of countless lives, but as a counterpoint, where else are our military and defence contracting industries going to learn how to exercise even more brutality than they already do when the weapons get turned on us as our very own society starts to crumble thanks to a growing fascist movement that is seemingly entirely unchecked and cosigned by the entire ruling class??

If you ask me, nothing screams friendship on the international stage much like two countries raining unchecked horrors and death upon an entirely innocent group of people. It’s just such a huge relief that we’re the good guys in this situation and that nobody is doing anything to stop it!

Aging Beastie Boys Fan Fighting for His Right To Have CPAP Machine Covered by Insurance

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

NEW YORK – Nearly-retired Beastie Boys fan Seth Duffy is currently fighting for his right to get a CPAP machine declared medically necessary by health insurance megacorporation Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield, sources confirmed.

“When my doctor said I gotta pay outta pocket for some funky sleep hookah so I don’t die of snorin’, I was like, ‘LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT!’ I don’t got that kinda loot! So me, my horsie, and a quart of beer are gonna have-ta stick up a Fifth Third Bank to afford it,” Duffy shouted while slapping bongos in the waiting room of a sleep disorder clinic. “I’m in the prime of my late 50s! I should be out there mackin’ on girlies and drinkin’ brews! Besides, I’m still makin’ layaway payments on the ‘Paul’s Boutique’ anniversary edition, so I’m not in a position to absorb unexpected medical bills.”

When questioned about his roommate’s sleep apnea, Jason “J-Rock” Jacobs took a bong rip and laughed at a poster on the opposite wall.

“This whole CRAB machine changed Seth. We used to party after a hard day of gettin’ people to sign our petition to free Tibet. Now, he stops breathing in his sleep several times an hour,” Jacobs grumbled while lighting a stick of Nag Champa. “I’m usually a pacifist, but maybe Luigi Mangione had the right idea. If those insurance companies are so rich, why aren’t they payin’ for Seth’s thing? And while they’re at it, they should pick up our tab from Scores Gentlemen’s Club, too. I’ve never had insurance, but I’m sure Anthem is good for a couple-a ten, twelve trips to the boom-boom room.”

When asked about Duffy’s claim, pro-bono lawyer Jamie Johnson rolled her eyes and pulled out a large, marijuana-scented case file.

“My client may be living in 1996, but that doesn’t mean Anthem can deny the CPAP machine Mr. Duffy recently purchased at an army surplus store. Sure, Mr. Duffy’s voicemail is full, he doesn’t reply to emails sent to illcommunication69@hotmail.com, and every medical form is covered in Funyun dust,” Ms. Johnson said while sanitizing the folder. “But Anthem is legally-bound to cover $39.67 of the $112.32 he spent at Ralph’s Military Surplus and Smoke Shop for medical expenses. I believe the company is discriminating against my client because his name is legally spelled in bubble graffiti letters.”

At press time, Mr. Duffy is also involved in a separate fight for his right to be prescribed mushrooms and free tickets to Bonaroo with his general practitioner.

Pervert Masturbating in Zine Library Inadvertently Develops Interest in Fourth Wave Feminism, Bike Repair

Posted on by Tim Graham

AMHERST, Mass. — Serial public masturbator Aaron Goddard received an unexpected education in progressive politics when he wandered into a zine library, according to the volunteer staff.

“I’m not welcome at most local libraries for obvious reasons,” said Goddard. “So when I found this other kind of library I was excited for a new venue in which to ply my trade. However, I was immediately put off by the lack of computers. I was about to leave when I spotted a copy of something called ‘Lezzie Smut,’ which seemed promising. It wasn’t titillating in the usual sense, but I did find the content to be intellectually stimulating. I wound up forgetting all about beating off as I read zines on many subjects like civil disobedience and the bicycle as an instrument of revolution. I learned a lot about consent, the male gaze and my own role in the patriarchy.”

Zine librarian Clara Smith was pleasantly surprised by Goddard’s visit.

“I pegged him right off the bat as a creep,” said Smith. “He was your typical perv. I nearly kicked him out when I saw him hovering around the sex-positive zines, but he actually sat down and read a few cover-to-cover. We had a nice discussion regarding intersectionality and representation. I gave him a list of ethical porn he could peruse on his own time, and he even agreed to attend our weekly mutual aid cohort. He walked in as a pervert but left as an ally.”

Similarly, an activist group called The Marxxxists was known to be leading an effort to surreptitiously integrate leftist ideas into mainstream porn.

“Our group produces what appear to be normal pornographic clips at first glance,” said founder Annie Maddox. “However, we’ll take a common trope and then segue to leftist philosophy. For example, in one film, a scantily clad woman answers the door for a pizza delivery man, only to deliver a scathing critique of gig-work and modern day wage slavery before the inevitable sex scene. Another features a stepmom getting stuck in a dryer, which soon becomes a polemic on the elimination of social classes and the abolishment of private property.”

At press time, Goddard was spotted handing out leftist pamphlets to other local sweaty sickos in an effort to spread his newfound political enlightenment.

Weird! This ICE Agent’s Dates Never Return From the Bathroom Right After He Explains What He Does for Work

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Modern dating is hard, even hellish a majority of the time. The emotional labor of countless swiping and dead ends on dating apps is already spirit crushing, but worse still is actually procuring a date only for it to flame out within 30 minutes the moment the vibes are off.

Such is the case of Liam Wright, who has been questioning how every single one of his dates in the past two months has ended with women excusing themselves to the bathroom and never returning. While he can’t fully explain why it’s happening, the one common thread is that it only seems to happen immediately after he explains the ins and outs of his job as an ICE Agent.

“It’s the same thing with every woman! We meet up for dinner and find out we like all the same music and quote pop culture references from 2006, but the second I mention I round up migrant workers for ICE because I believe immigrants are animals, they suddenly get diarrhea and never return. I can’t prove it just yet, but I think my job might be a turn off. That or it somehow gives women diarrhea?”

Yes, it’s truly a mystery as to why at least three women have abandoned Liam via a restaurant bathroom window minutes after he explains that most of his work day is spent stalking Hispanic children outside of their schools. Could it be that he hasn’t had enough time to explain the complicated intricacies of our country’s immigration policies, or is it simply that he’s a heartless thug who willingly went into an inhumane profession?

“Even when I randomly meet someone at a bar, it’s the same shit. Why the hell does everyone I meet order an angel shot from the bartender right after I explain why zip ties are the best method of restraining immigrants? I’d like to think I’m defined by my personal qualities, like being a great listener and following orders. I’m totally down for doing whatever anyone wants me to do, no questions asked.”

Perhaps he should try avoiding the topic of work until the second date, or perhaps find a new career altogether. Right now though, mentioning having the one Fed job that’s DOGE-proof might the be the common thread as to why nobody in their right mind would fuck him.

“Maybe I should start saying I’m unemployed or ‘working on myself’ so I come off as someone they can try to fix.”

Goth and Metalhead Fight Over Who Gets to Shit on New Deafheaven Album

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

MILWAUKEE, Wisc. — Local metalhead Zach Schmidt and goth Brandon Cleary got into a heated slap-fight over who was entitled to whine about the upcoming Deafheaven album, “Lonely People With Power,” perpetually-bitter sources confirmed.

“I was at Up-Down Arcade playing pinball and talking to a friend about what garbage-ass circle-jerk bullshit the new Deafheaven single is,” said Schmidt. “They broke all the rules, so they’re not metal anymore. They’re gothy shoegaze whatever now, and I said so. And then this jackass with a bad dye-job came up and said I didn’t have any right to bitch because the goths own them now. Needless to say, shit was on. Just because I disowned a band for an arbitrary reason doesn’t mean I can’t still loudly fucking complain about them. After all, I knew them first.”

First-responding officer Randy Pruss was baffled by the situation.

“When I arrived at the scene, the two were arguing about something called Deathhaven,” said Pruss. “This is actually the first time I’ve had to write out a police report where the two sides got into a physical altercation because they were in agreement with each other. If only these kids listened to real music, like the Nuge or Kid Rock, then this kind of stuff wouldn’t happen. Those artists are peaceful and bring people together. I mean, Kid Rock’s never lashed out like a petulant teenager at pointless stuff, because that’s beneath him.”

Music journalist Tyler Wild discussed the displeasure among music fans regarding Deafheaven.

“This was bound to happen,” explained Wild. “Metalheads and goths strive for joylessness, and thus tend to hate their own bands for not being the violence-obsessed or the black-drenched ideals in their respective camps. And being a blackgaze band, Deafheaven is particularly divisive, so of course a scuffle broke out. If you’re a metalhead, you hate everything besides their 2010 demo, because everything after is poser nonsense when real production and singing start to appear. If you’re a goth, ‘Infinite Granite’ is your only option because they sound like a My Bloody Valentine cover band doing a second-rate Depeche Mode impression.”

At press time, both Schmidt and Cleary pre-ordered the Daydream Variant vinyl, despite being sure it’ll suck an insane amount of ass.

Sports Fans and Metalheads Find Common Ground Around Drinking in Parking Lots

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Local baseball fans and metalheads discovered that they shared an affinity to drink in parking lots, while one group was pregaming for death metal band Sepcis at the historic music venue The Metro and the other at a nearby baseball game at Wrigley Field, sources from both sides confirm.

“These guys rolled up and I thought we were going to have a problem, but then we realized, holy shit, they’re just like us—trying to get as much booze in our system as possible before we go inside and have to pay fourteen bucks for a Coors Light,” said local metalhead Jake Mallory after doing a beer bong brought by a Cubs fan. “They also had a full grill setup and a tent, and we were like, ‘Okay, this is new.’ It makes sense to get some food in your stomach and not get heat stroke before having to stand for three hours. I don’t think I’m going to puke today!”

The sports fans, who were initially wary of the long-haired, black-clad figures chugging whiskey from innocuous apple juice bottles, quickly embraced the opportunity to learn.

“These metal dudes had it down to a science,” said Cubs season ticket holder Mike Taglieri, who had been pre-gaming since 9 a.m. with Bud Light and bratwursts. “I thought I knew how to drink in a parking lot, but man, they took it to another level. They taught us about sneaking flasks past security, how to run back to your car to do shots, and how to hide a bottle behind a dumpster by the exit. Honestly, I’m never paying stadium prices again.”

Experts say this rare moment of camaraderie shows how even groups that often seem opposed can find common ground.

“Historically, sports fans and metalheads have been at odds—one group idolizes the thrill of competition, the other worships musicians who sound like they’re gargling nails,” explained Dr. Karen Holtz, a sociologist at Northwestern University. “But what we see here is a classic example of how shared rituals—like aggressively consuming alcohol in an acre of asphalt—can bridge cultural divides. Sure, the sports fans can’t name the lead singer of Slayer and the metalheads have no clue who plays first base for the Cubs, but at least they have each other’s company.”

At press time, the peace was shattered when one sports fan attempted to bond further by declaring their love for metal bands like Linkin Park.

Opinion: If Drag Is So Harmless Then Why Do I Have This Terrifying Erection

Posted on by Ryan Clark

Dear America. I know that this country is supposed to be a melting pot where different nationalities and cultures can coexist as one. But sometimes I come across some people that give me strange feelings, which is obviously their fault! Drag Queens in particular make me feel weird and for that they need to go back to where they came from! We need to keep drag queens out of my country and out of my dreams!

I don’t care what the woke liberal media tries to convince you! I’m sick and tired of seeing all these drag queens in areas I’m actively seeking them out! All these drag queens with their sinful behavior and perfect asses go against the ways of our lord and savior Jesus Christ!

But I’m not going to fall for their devious ways. I have God and my wife who’s name escapes me at the moment on my side! Every night I have my wife pray for me while I relentlessly search every episode of Ru Paul’s Drag Race for demonic messages! If it wasn’t for the power of prayer I don’t know if I could ever escape from Ru Paul’s dreamlike gaze and flirtatious laugh. I would probably sashay away straight to hell!

But I must remember that behind all those pouting lips and tantalizing hips are lost sheep who have lost their way. So I must do what any good Christian would do and force my religion down their throats… Right past those soft, tantalizing, beautiful lips of theirs! So three times a week I go down to Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood and put Christian pamphlets in the bra strap, thong, or brassiere of every drag queen performing that night. You gotta get it deep in there otherwise, they may never know what the love of Christ feels like.

I pray that I am able to reach as many drag queens as I can with my personal favorite bible verse Ezekiel 23:20. “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” Amen.

Man Only Attending Music Festival for the $25 Chicken Tenders

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

AUSTIN, Texas — Local festivalgoer Kyle Garrison confessed to buying ACL Music Festival tickets not for the lineup, but for his favorite $25 chicken tenders from the concessions stand, sources who smuggled their own snacks inside report.

“Lineups come and go, but I can always rely on these tenders to be there for me,” Garrison said while waiting in line at the concession stand. “The dudes here make them just the way I like them — perfectly lukewarm, with a tiny cold spot in the middle to beat that festival heat. Sometimes I even treat myself to a side of honey mustard for a few extra bucks. I don’t know how they make it the exact same temperature as the chicken, but I don’t ask chefs to reveal their secrets.”

Connor Hutchins, Garrison’s friend and fellow festivalgoer, was less enthusiastic about the pricey tenders.

“Look, I’m not going to judge Kyle for liking lukewarm chicken, but I am going to judge him for paying $25 for it when we could be getting a good spot for Magdalena Bay,” Hutchins said while trying to get a better look at the stage from his place in line. “There are plenty of other places that serve mediocre chicken tenders without charging hundreds of dollars to get in the door. The hospital cafeteria serves these exact same tenders for like $3 a plate if you look like you’re visiting someone. Hell, I’m pretty sure you can get them for free if you pass out and get sent to a medical tent.”

Live Nation Executive Craig Martin was delighted to imagine how people liking overpriced festival food could increase his future profits.

“Here at Live Nation, we don’t set out to make things that are good. We’re famously your only option,” Martin said with a laugh. “But one guy unironically liking our chicken tenders could open a lot of doors for us. With our dynamic pricing model, we could charge him twice as much and pass it off as some kind of fan fee. If even two or three suckers are desperate enough to buy our festival food anyway, we could even implement it at all of our concession stands nationwide.”

At press time, Garrison was spotted enthusiastically asking concessions staff about the best $30 cocktail to pair with his meal.