JD Vance Spotted Sign Twirling Outside Tesla Dealership

Posted on by Ryan Sims

ARLINGTON, Texas — Vice President JD Vance was spotted sign twirling outside of a Tesla dealership today, attempting to convince onlookers to pull in for a test drive, confirmed sources who seemed less inclined to purchase one after witnessing his poor spinning prowess.

“Look, the liberal left will attempt to paint this as a humiliating degradation of power by a drugged up South African trying to seize control of the Federal government while also trying to juice his company’s stock. But here’s what the lying media won’t tell you: I’m proud to support a great American company like Tesla,” Vance asserted. “Oh man, it was so funny. Elon asked if I wanted to grab a beer. I of course said yes, and before I knew it, I was bound and gagged in the back of a Cybertruck. He’s always busting my balls like that. Then when we got to the dealership, he tossed me out, threw me a sign, and said ‘dance, monkey boy.’ Man, he’s so funny. You liberal snowflakes wouldn’t understand, but this is how real men joke around. Then the Cybertruck drove off by itself, fully plowing through a red light and several pedestrians.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt provided full details of Vance’s new role.

“The official duties of the Vice President now include working seasonally at Tesla. Elon added it to the constitution this morning,” the press secretary announced. “Regarding the specific role, Mr. Musk thought sign twirling would suit JD because it is quote, ‘the only thing that beta sack of shit could possibly be good for.’ Also, The White House is thrilled to announce that The Vice President’s salary is being redirected into Roadster preorders.”

Kyle Bodie, Vance’s new boss and 20-year-old Tesla supervisor, doesn’t know if the Vice President has the right skillset to succeed at the position.

“Honestly, I’ve seen better sign twirling from high school students,” said Bodie. “The last guy could do all these sick flips and stuff. I told JD that. He tried one and fully ate shit on the pavement. He laughed it off and said he did it on purpose. I don’t see him going very far at the company. If this doesn’t work out, we’ll have to demote him to janitor or salesperson.”

At press time, Vance was seen attempting to wrangle his crying children into Cybertruck t-shirts.

Am I a Celebrity Now? Amoeba Records Security Wants To Know What’s in My Bag

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

Man you guys, you’ll never believe what happened to me when I went to Amoeba Records last week! I shouldn’t say anything, but I can’t help myself. I was leaving the store when somebody stopped me and asked the question you always wanted to be asked at Amoeba Records.

Amoeba Employee: Excuse me, can I see what’s in your bag?

Me: Wow! Yes! How cool!

Amoeba Employee: It’s my first day and I don’t know what you’re talking about. Just open it up please.

Me: Well I love Samhain, and I already have “Final Descent” on vinyl, but I wanted a CD so I could rock out to it in the car. Plus Samhain isn’t on streaming, so yeah, this was a no-brainer.

Amoeba Employee: Do you have a receipt?

Me: I couldn’t leave here without “Grizzly Man,” it’s my favorite movie ever. The part where Herzog tells her to destroy the tape and she says “I will Werner, I will!” gets me every time.

Amoeba Employee If you don’t show me the receipt for these items I’m going to have to take you into the back.

Me: I got this sweet copy of “October Rust” on tape. And since I don’t actually have a tape player, I grabbed this Walkman too. So cool you guys still sell these things.

Amoeba Employee: That’s it, come with me.

(At this point the man ushered me into a cramped back office with what looked like a one-way mirror in it. He told me to sit down at a desk and to keep my hands where he could see them.)

Me: Don’t you normally film the show on the sales floor itself?

Amoeba Employee: Film what? Actually, forget it. Just slowly empty the contents of your bag. One at a time.

Me:I got this Henry Rollins book, but it seems to be just a bunch of angry poetry?

Amoeba Employee: On second thought just empty your whole bag. This is taking too long.

Me: Have you heard “Mean Man” by W.A.S.P? It’s so rad. Couldn’t believe you had the 7” on hand.

Amoeba Employee: That’s it, I’m calling for backup.

(Someone else entered the room, and I saw the word ‘Manager’ on her name tag. I had no idea that the manager was also the director of the show. Such a neat glimpse behind the scenes!)

Amoeba Manager: This is your last warning. We’ve called the police, and unless you give me a receipt before they get here you’re going to jail.

Me: Amoeba jail? Is that like the Criterion Closet?

Soon afterwards the cops came and arrested me because apparently I forgot to pay for the items. They took me to jail, and the fascists didn’t even let me keep the stuff even though I offered them a credit card to pay for them! All on the technicality that the credit card wasn’t mine, bogus!

So anyway, I’ll be in jail for the next 6–9 months, but keep an eye out on the Amoeba Records YouTube channel for, what I assume will be a very special episode of “What’s in My Bag?”

Owner of Dimly Lit Factory Getting Really Sick of Nu-Metal Bands Sneaking In to Film Music Videos

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BAY CITY, Mich. — President of R&L Composites Inc. Stan Bratonski had just about enough of nu-metal bands breaking into his factory after hours to film their music videos, sources report.

“I get a call from ADT every time the alarm goes off, so I’m constantly having to drive here in the middle of the night to kick them out,” Bratonski complained. “We manufacture composite components for the aerospace industry here. In no way is this facility meant to house nu-metal bands playing their songs in the middle of the floor while surrounded by strobe lights and headbanging fans. They’ve even started bringing in caged fences for them to climb while the bands play inside. I’m going to have to hire armed guards, as it’s just getting ridiculous.”

Nu-metal singer Ricky Schizo of the band IN-Sanitarium provided his side of the story.

“This place is a favorite filming location for every nu-metal band in town,” Schizo admitted. “The dim lighting and industrial setting perfectly match the brooding nature of our music. My band sneaked in here last month to film the video for our song ‘Back Down or Bleed,’ and it turned out amazing. We almost didn’t get to do it because the band Sykotic showed up at the same time wanting to shoot their video, but we were able to compromise and have them film over in the filament winding department. I don’t know what the nu-metal community will do if we can no longer come here.”

Manufacturing expert Regina Eckert weighed in on the nation-wide issue.

“This is a very common complaint amongst owners of dimly lit factories,” Eckert said. “The nightly infestation of mesh tank top-clad rockers can be overwhelming, and the messes they leave behind can actually cause issues for unwitting employees in the morning. Few people know this, but the factory where Sevendust filmed the video for ‘Denial’ actually burned down the next day because a puddle of hair gel left by one of the extras caused a fire with an industrial oven. I suggest Mr. Bratonski have his second shift set out bug foggers and mousetraps before they leave to discourage these bands. I would also recommend barbed wire around the premises, but it’s likely the bands would steal it and convert it into jewelry.”

At press time, Bratonski was hit with a lawsuit from one of the trespassers who lost his leg after getting his Tripp pants caught in a machine.

MAGA Christian Reminds Himself of Core Values With “What Would Jefferson Davis Do” Bracelet

Posted on by Matt Husser

LEXINGTON, Ky. — Self-proclaimed MAGA Christian Cullen Monroe took a moment to remind himself of his core values today with a quick glance at his “What Would Jefferson Davis Do” bracelet, sources confirmed.

“We live in a divided nation, and there are times when I lose sight of what it means to be a good MAGA-faithful Christian in today’s crazy world. But when I need a little clarity, all I have to do is look at my WWJDD bracelet and ask myself, ‘What would the man who firmly believed in the institution of slavery do?'” said Monroe, admiring his Confederate Flag Crucifix necklace. “I mean it can be hard to know how to treat all the immigrants, feminists, transgenders and DEI folks out there, but I just need to remind myself that moral guidance will come from the big man upstairs who is always looking over me: The President of the Confederacy.”

Megachurch preacher Harland Tillman was thrilled to hear that the bracelets he sold were making such an impact on his congregation at the Stonewall Community Church.

“With all the cancel culture and satanic liberal nonsense out there, it’s important to remember the source of our righteous values. Each bracelet contains five letters that deliver a reminder of a humble man who was ahead of his time, until he was unfairly crucified for his beliefs that were ultimately proven right in the eyes of history and the Lord,” said Tillman, passing out the gold-plated collection basket. “Now one of these fine WWJDD bracelets can be yours for any of my faithful congregation that donates $100 or more today to help us spread the teachings of the Master, the Worker, and the Holy States Rights.”

White House Spokesperson and former “America’s Next Top Militia” host Gunther Solomon announced that President Trump mandated that WWJDD bracelets would become standard attire for all government employees.

“The President has declared upon high that the WWJDD bracelets represent our nation’s traditional Christian values, and has decided to make a $400 million investment to outfit every civil servant in America,” said Solomon. “Elon Musk’s DOGE department has assured that they’ll be able to find that money by shuttering wasteful SNAP and Medicaid programs utilized by the nation’s underclass of freeloading poors.”

At press time, President Trump reportedly signed an executive order adding the Ten Commandments to every public school classroom, with a proposed Eleventh Commandment that stated, “Thou Shalt Not Forget the South Will Rise Again.”

Heartbreaking: Ghost Of Elliott Smith Still Too Shy To Haunt People

Posted on by Kyle Donley

As we all know by now, heaven and hell do not exist, God is a figment of our collective imagination, and all religion is horseshit. When you die you become a ghost, simple as that. Your primary objective as a ghost? To haunt people. While there is undoubtedly a learning curve, most notably portrayed in such prophetic films as Ghost and Ghost Dad, a majority of all ghosts are able to get the hang of it after 6-8 months. But in the curious case of indie rock darling Elliott Smith, 22 years of ghostdom has produced scant results.

In his mortal form, Elliott quickly established himself as a talented singer-songwriter with a knack for sensitive, heartfelt lyrics and melodies that at times could evoke the Beatles or the Kinks. But in the afterlife, Elliott has proven to be hella weak at haunting people.

“That sensitive guy shit does not fly out here,” an anonymous spirit whispered to me in an abandoned burn ward. “Most of these singer-songwriter types struggle at first, but eventually get the hang of it. Like that dude from Sparklehorse has all these dank-ass chains now that he rattles. And Nick Drake is basically the Michael Jordan of haunting in our realm, he’s that good.”

Smit, on the other hand, has not acclimated to ghost life well at all. Being aloof and apathetic may have served as a boon for him in the ‘90s but these traits are anathema in ghost culture because ghosts are already invisible. Years of stage fright have seemingly manifested into what ghost psychologists refer to as crippling haunt-fright. Instead of joining his ghost colleagues in games of merriment and terrifying spooks, he just fingerpicks his ghost guitar all day, which is totally pointless because the strings are invisible and make no sound.

Indeed, over the past two decades, records indicate he has only been credited to a measly 1.5 haunts — a dog that he didn’t mean to scare and the bass player for Built To Spill who he kinda thought was a dick. Sadly, the Silverlake home where he stabbed himself in the chest, most ghosts’ bread and butter, remains unhaunted and reportedly houses a perfectly content Vietnamese family.

His anti-social behavior and disengagement in the ghost community has led critics to wonder if he could possibly be at risk of ghostbusting himself. The question weighs heavy on my heart but for now the truth remains — we ain’t afraid of no ghost named Elliott Smith.

Guy With Self-Esteem Issues Only Sings Along to Background Vocals

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

MACON, Ga. — Local doormat Howard Logue showcased his clear lack of self-confidence by singing only the background vocals of a recent karaoke performance, sources hanging their heads in disbelief confirmed.

“Well, I know it might be a bit confusing to anyone watching, but I’ve just always felt a lot more comfortable hanging in the wings. So, when punk rock karaoke night started up at my neighborhood bar, I went straight to the Bad Religion tracks, and let loose every few minutes along with the ‘oozin ahhs,’ y’know?” whimpered Logue, while he stood a healthy distance away. “Don’t people just come there to get wasted anyway? Why should anyone care that I can only belt the background stuff? In fact, why should anyone care about me at all, in any capacity? I, as I established earlier, suck.”

Regular barflys were baffled as to why such a wimp would take the stage at all.

“It just seemed like so much effort for so little payoff. You stand around until your name is called and then you bark a few scant ‘heys’ or ‘la la las’ in front of a load of people who are just scratching their heads. Seems like you could do that from your seat without causing the uproar it did,” said karaoke jockey Fran ‘Flakey’ Florentino. “Pretty soon we’re gonna have freaks going up there to just mime to the ride cymbal part, or just the spoken-word breakdowns or some shit. Lord help me. I’m surrounded by Andy Kaufman wannabes, over here! What a nightmare!”

Professional psychoanalyst Dr. Faye Pernick theorizes that Logue’s affliction is more widespread than initially thought.

“Many of those lacking in self-esteem or overall confidence, when given the chance, will still seek out the limelight, but just at a safe distance where they can scurry away into the shadows at the first sign of embarrassment,” said Dr. Pernick, who specializes in the treatment of “wusses and pushovers.” “This can manifest itself in activities such as driving from literally the backseat, with your hands reaching over the driver’s seat or, in this case, singing along to only the background vocals, because you believe, in your heart of hearts, that you don’t deserve the lead part. It’s a wild time to be a weakling.”

At press time, the audience revealed an even meeker man with even deeper self-esteem issues who was too bashful to “boo” Logue.

Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week Before Trump Places a 100% Tariff On Alternative Music

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Even though the stock markets are in chaos and the economy seems on the brink of complete collapse, thanks to our society’s gradual but persistent devaluation of art, we can always count on music to be basically free. That being said, it’s only a matter of time before the government figures out a way to make all music that isn’t Morgan Wallen prohibitively expensive. Before that happens, here are five duty-free songs we listened to this week.

Wet Leg ‘Catch These Fists’

It’s estimated that Wet Leg have played ‘Chaise Lounge’ over 5,000,000 times since its release. Considering the weight of that Sysiphian task, it’s no surprise the band have finally announced their hotly anticipated new album, ‘Moisturizer.’ It’s led by the single ‘Catch These Fists.’ Sure, it may not have quite the hypnotic appeal of the band’s aforementioned breakthrough single, the band’s trademark monotone vocals and looping riffs are sure to leave you dazed out on your floor even more than you usually are.

Car Seat Head Rest ‘CCF (I’m Gonna Stay With You)’

Judging by the 8 minute runtime of Car Seat Head Rest’s latest single, ‘CCF (I’m Gonna Stay With You),’ the title reads a bit like a threat. Anything that close to the 10 minute mark might as well be forever, and let’s not forget their last single was nearly 12 minutes long. Suffice to say, lead singer and songwriter Will Toledo isn’t fucking around on this run. The track is part of the band’s forthcoming and seemingly epic album ‘The Scholars,’ which, at this rate, is expected to be about 3 hours long.

BABYMETAL (ft. Poppy) ‘from me to u’

Imagine the Chuck E. Cheese animatronic band discovering cocaine while simultaneously enlisting the Powerpuff Girls to fill out the lineup. The chaotic sound you are hearing is probably pretty close to the Japanese kawaii metal outfit BABYMETAL’s trademark fusion of pop and metal. To up the ante a bit on their already batshit sound, they’ve tapped in Poppy – who, along with Knocked Loose, terrified national television audiences last summer – for guest vocals on their latest single, ‘from me to u.’ It’s as intense as it is confounding.

Dynamite ‘Hardcore Pride’

Dynamite’s last EP, ‘Blow The Bloody Doors Off,’ was a startling who’s who of modern hardcore royalty, featuring appearances from members of Royal Vis and Turnstile just to name a couple. To say Dynamite’s star was on the rise would already be an understatement, but it’s now an undisputable fact with the release of their latest EP, ‘Settle The Score.’ The whole thing sounds like it was written and recorded in less than 15 minutes so the members wouldn’t be late to five unrelated knife fights. Hit play on the opening track ‘Hardcore Pride’ and try not to have a heart attack.

The Raging Nathans ‘Nick At Nite’

Dayton, Ohio’s The Raging Nathans just dropped their latest single ‘Nick At Nite.’ Though there aren’t any glaring references toward ‘Hi, Honey I’m Home!’ or ‘Turkey Television,’ it’s still a great song for anyone who grew up watching ‘All That’ at 1 a.m. and now has to go to physical therapy for back pain that started in their early 30’s. It’s a cathartic pop-punk tantrum aimed directly at the crushing weight of growing up, nostalgia, and probably your landlord. If you’ve ever cried during a sitcom rerun, congrats, this one’s for you

Want to experience the musical equivalent of filling up three carts at Cost-Co with imported non-perishables before the shit hits the fan? Stock up on every song we’ve listened to so far this year via this ever-growing and chaotic playlist we made.

Sex Worker Who Laughed at Elon Musk’s Penis Labeled Domestic Terrorist in Latest Trump Executive Order

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Local sex worker Jasmine Lawler is facing years behind bars after being labeled a domestic terrorist because she burst out in hysterical laughter when her client Elon Musk undressed in front of her, sources confirmed.

“I’ve known some other women that have kept him company and they have told me he’s usually an easy payday. They said he normally lasts less than a minute, but you have to sit there for a few hours while he tries out new jokes, talks about building his own child army, and yells at photos of his dad,” said Lawler from her prison cell. “But nobody warned me about how weird his penis actually is. It looked like a wad of bubblegum covered in fur. I honestly didn’t understand how it was actually going to get inside of me, I couldn’t help but laugh. That was my downfall, he called Trump right then and there and now I might spend the rest of my life locked up.”

Tesla CEO, and head of the Department of Government Efficiency, says this should be a warning to all his future sexual companions.

“Yep, so, um yep. You either um, get the brains like I have, or you get a large, uh, um, phallus. But listen, I refuse to be humiliated by this. All my future sexual partners will be required to applaud when they see my uh, um, penis. I’ll have my bodyguards watching their facial expressions and if they see any signs of disgust then the woman will be put straight in jail,” said Musk. “But there is also good news. Every week I’ll be giving away a million-dollar check to whichever sex worker cheers the hardest when they see my uh, um, cock. This will incentivize these women even more, and maybe one of them will be lucky enough to carry my seed.”

First Amendment experts fear what the Trump administration might do next.

“It’s well-known that every man in Trump’s orbit is only able to procure sex through transactional means. Sex workers in Washington D.C. report being busier than ever, but they also say they are self-medicating more in order to dissociate. But if these hardworking men and women are being locked up for involuntary laughter then anyone can be thrown in jail,” said James Saxton, a lawyer based in Virginia. “Hack comedians who call the president orange could face fines, people making fat J.D. Vance memes will be outlaws. Free speech as we know it is on the line.”

At press time, a Christian Nationalist group responsible for fire bombing multiple historically Black churches in the South were invited to the White House for a dinner celebrating the idea of patriotism.

The Next Storage Wars? This Guy Is Fighting Ten Other Dudes To Live In a 10×10 Cubesmart Unit

Posted on by Ben Friedman

If you’ve even visited your parents on a weekday afternoon or waited in a doctor’s office, chances are you’ve seen A&E’s hit show “Storage Wars”, which chronicled the exploits of professional resellers bidding on the contents of abandoned storage units. And boy, would these folks get heated trying to outbid each other on units of old wrestling action figures.

Though it’s been off the air for a few years, an exciting reboot is taking place at a CubeSmart in San Bernardino. If you hurry you can see local man Josh Humphry fist fight ten other guys for the right to live in an empty 10×10 CubeSmart unit.

“I overheard a hot tip at the Greyhound station about a vacant unit at the CubeSmart next to the Arby’s. I got there as fast as I could because I know that location has no security and you can easily smash off the padlocks with a hammer. But not even two minutes into prying it open with a crowbar, here ten other guys show up each claiming it’s theirs. I’ve been priced out of every apartment within a 100 mile radius, and I’m not giving this up without a fight.”

This isn’t a battle for someone’s junk, but for free housing! And without a mediator, film crew, or any legal standing this is shaping up to be the most exciting storage unit acquisition since that “Storage Wars” episode when David Hester outbid the whole cast on five units in a single sitting. The biggest difference though is the guys Josh is up against are weidling tire irons.

But why the desperation? Apparently the unit was abandoned when its previous owner died and left a twin mattress behind. Hell, even if it’s empty, what could be better for squatting in? Now that’s something you can’t sell on ebay.

“Half of these guys probably don’t even need this storage unit, they’re just looking for another vacation home or something! They can fight over the pod cubes down the road, I already brought rug to put in this one dammit.”

Sure, none of this is sanctioned by the state of California, but then again the state isn’t exactly doing anyone favors in the affordable housing sector which is why Josh is bashing people’s faces in with a brick he found laying around so he doesn’t have to sleep on a bench.

Now that’s entertainment!

Guitarist’s Pre-show Warm Up Mainly Just Texting “No Worries” to All the People Who Aren’t Coming

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. — Local guitarist and noted pushover Jackson Ermine revealed his customary pre-show ritual consisted of letting everyone he invited know that it’s alright they’re not coming, relieved sources confirmed.

“Yeah, usually I stretch a little, run through a few scales and finger exercises to get the blood flowing, and then I take three or four hours to text back ‘no worries’ to the few dozen friends saying they aren’t going to make it tonight. I’d just feel ‘off’ without that, y’know? Gets me in the proper headspace,” said Ermine, not looking up from his phone. “And sure, I could just send out a mass text or an Instagram story saying it, but they took the time and energy to let me know personally that they wouldn’t be watching me pursue my dreams and passions, so why should I give them any less. It’s a matter of respect, their total lack of respect for me.”

Many of Ermine’s loved ones have gone on record saying blowing off his gigs is a mutually beneficial situation.

“It might seem like we’re being fair-weather friends by standing him up show after show, but trust us, it’s just making him work harder. I think it makes him play better and better each time” said Ermine’s PetSmart coworker Teona Gazzariti. “I say ‘I think’ because, again, I’ve never actually attended one of his shows, and likely never will. But I’ll be damned if I ever forget to let the guy know I won’t be there. The hope he has up for me and all his other friends coming is the only hope he’ll have…who am I to dash them by quietly letting him go about his night none the wiser? I’m not an evil mastermind.”

T-Mobile analytics liaison Harriet Bellflower attests that “no worries” texts create the bedrock of total texts worldwide.

“At any given minute of the day, there are an average of 46.1 musicians worldwide texting their friends ‘that’s cool, next time’ before they play a mostly empty bar show. It’s just solid data.” said Bellflower, as she received one herself, as if on cue. “In fact, and this doesn’t leave this room, if people started showing up for their buddies’ performances, it would single-handedly bankrupt every cell phone company and conglomerate into oblivion, with no hopes of rebuilding. Luckily, it’s clear that will never happen. I’m blowing off three rock shows, a zine-release, and a pot-luck/poetry reading as we speak. At the end of the day, we’re only human.”

At press time, Ermine was frustrated to find that everyone he texted followed up to say they’d be free to get wasted somewhere after, though.