5 Thrash Bands You Might as Well Check Out Since You Don’t Know How To Patch the Hole in Your Only Pair of Jeans

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Welp, your sole pair of Wranglers that you wear to work, shows, dates, restaurants, and even funerals now has a hole in it. We would advise patching it up, but you certainly don’t have the mental wherewithal for that. Instead, we’ll introduce you to 5 lesser-known thrash metal bands so you can at least adopt the lifestyle you’re now cluelessly appropriating. What else are you going to do, buy a new pair? Yeah right.

Hirax
These Orange County thrashers have released 6 full-length LPs since — sorry, how old are you? How have you made it this far in life without obtaining a simple sewing kit? We’re happy to introduce you to all these killer bands, but honestly, you need to get your shit together. Anyway, Hirax’s first album dropped in 1985, and they’re still going strong today. Check them out if you’re not going to comport yourself like a fucking adult.

Razor
Let’s go north of the border to check out these Ontario psychos, but first, what exactly were you doing when you got that gigantic hole above the left knee? We’re just hard-pressed to understand how a grown man can find himself in this situation. At any rate, Razor is sick as fuck. We really like “Violent Restitution” and “Shotgun Justice,” but honestly, you can’t go wrong with any of their efforts if you’re going to insist on continuing with this charade.

Xentrix
Are you even enjoying these bands so far? Be honest. Thrash metal isn’t for everybody, so it’s okay if you don’t, and there is a very simple alternative to this. No? Okay, well Xentrix is a lamentably overlooked British band that would definitely appeal to casual thrashers who have only really listened to Metallica. You have checked out the first 4 Metallica albums, right? No? Ugh, Jesus Christ. Well, Xentrix is an awesome band. Go ahead and check them out, we guess.

Tankard
Hell yeah. Tankard has put out a whopping 19 full-length albums since they formed in 1983. They’re from Germany, and we’re willing to bet they know how to sew, so maybe you should give them a listen. Then again, you’ve never even heard “Master of Puppets,” so you know what? Do whatever you want. We can’t believe we still have another band left.

Sunn O)))
The fact that you’re seriously reading this shows we’ve completely wasted our time here. Sunn O))) is a drone metal band, which is clearly the opposite of thrash. Close this article and fix your fucking pants. Now.

Weird! Manowar Not Getting Girlfriend in the Mood

Posted on by Steve Packosky

FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report.

“I don’t get it,” you lamented. “I lit some candles and put on ‘Kings of Metal’ thinking it was a sure-fire way to get laid tonight. I even tacked the picture from the album’s liner notes of the band standing shirtless over the bed, but the only thing I got for this was a confused look and several requests to put on literally any other band. Maybe I just don’t understand women as much as I thought I did. I mean, this definitely would have worked on me. Maybe I should have sprung for a bottle of nice wine instead of a case of Red Dog, or at the very least washed my sheets.”

Your girlfriend Brenda Geedey reiterated her confusion over your actions.

“Wait, he actually thought that was going to get me in the mood?” Geedey asked while laughing in disbelief. “Are you fucking shitting me? Playing that super cheesy power metal while showing me pictures of those greased up shirtless guys from the ‘80s was supposed to make me horny? Ugh, and those lyrics were the absolute worst. ‘Pleasure Slave?’ I think I actually threw up in my mouth at one point. Jesus Christ. I thought he was playing some kind of weird joke on me that wasn’t landing. Now that I know that was a genuine effort in seduction, I may need to start looking for another romantic partner. Hell, even KISS would have worked better than that.”

Sociologist Raisa Mevvich provided some input on the situation.

“Given how grossly inept metalheads are with women, it is absolutely staggering that any of them have ever managed to procreate,” Mevvich said. “Their profound failure to comprehend that sick riffs and lyrics about dragons won’t automatically win the favor of the opposite sex is something that has surprised me in case study after case study. The number of accounts I’ve read wherein a metal fan has tried to impress a woman by playing Blind Guardian’s ‘Nightfall in Middle Earth’ would astound you. Honestly, most metalheads would fare better romantically if they just stood still at all times without opening their mouths, but they just can’t seem to help themselves.”

At press time, you had decided to switch to Immortal to see if that would work.

Man Records Rant About Gas Prices While Idling in Truck for 20 Minutes

Posted on by Justin Cummings

NEWARK, Ohio — Local man John Regan went on a 20-minute tirade about gasoline prices while live streaming from his F150 pickup truck with the engine running, confirmed eye-rolling sources.

“I got my license in 2002, but I’ve been driving since the ‘90s and prices haven’t stopped going up,” said Regan while wearing his sunglasses on the back of his head. “I remember when a gallon of gas was less than a gallon of iced tea. It was less than spring water. It’s like a man can’t sit alone in his $80,000 pickup truck while broadcasting his thoughts on Facebook anymore without paying an arm and a leg for fuel. Hopefully all of these hybrids and electric cars will decrease the demand for gas, leaving more for me so I’m not spending my entire paycheck at the pump.”

Madison Brooks, a sophomore at Ohio State University, accidentally clicked on her uncle’s live icon when she was checking on the fixed gear bike she was selling on Marketplace.

“Uncle Johnny has always been kind of entertaining. Thanksgiving dinner is usually painful, but he adds color commentary to the discussion,” said Brooks. “Even so, I really don’t understand who they are or why there are three people that have been watching his live stream for 17 minutes. I could only stand 30 seconds of his stream, but he was off the rails yapping about Sunoco stations and cabals. Makes sense that he’s been divorced three times already.”

Fuel Economist Vance Crayton from Crayton, Peyton & Associates was well-aware of Regan’s concerns about rising gas prices.

“When you factor in geopolitical issues, inflation, and the cost of fossil fuels, it isn’t very wise to commute to your office job in a gas guzzling pickup truck, let alone leave it running,” said Crayton. “Those should be used for towing, hauling, and other heavy duty activities. In fact, while sitting in his truck idling for 20 minutes, Mr. Regan used nearly half of a gallon of gas. There’s got to be a more fuel-efficient place for him to live stream his rants, like maybe a Prius.”

At press time, Regan was seen ranting about socialism despite receiving unemployment benefits for all year.

Help! I Invited Coworkers To See My Band and They Actually Showed Up

Posted on by Ben Friedman

If there’s one golden rule that I follow, it’s not letting on to anyone I work with that I’m in a band. When I mentioned I played bass at my last job, I had three different coworkers mansplaining the difference between playing legato versus staccato for my entire lunch break. Needless to say, no one within the confines of this marketing firm needs to know I’m in a grindcore band, unless they want to make awkward small talk regarding writing songs about throwing people in woodchippers.

Which is why, as I peer from behind the stage curtains to see our first audience consisting of more than three people, I realize I’d royally screwed up earlier by inviting my coworkers to my gig tonight because they actually followed through and showed up.

I only invited everyone to the gig as a joke excuse for getting out of staying late to finish up the quarterly reports. Like I literally said, come on down to this dive bar if you want to have nightmares and hearing problems for a week. I didn’t think they’d actually take me up on it! Christ, even my boss is here. Shouldn’t he be more worried about getting those numbers to corporate instead of supporting the local arts?

Of course, the one time I work somewhere that tells me they’re “like a family”, they actually follow through and support me like one. Why couldn’t they be like my real family and say I’m wasting my time? Now I have Cheryl from accounting actually hitting the venue’s two beer minimum and cheering my name. She’s 70 years old and about to retire. I think our band might actually kill her. Am I supposed to thank Megan, fresh off maternity leave, for coming out to support Baby Blender?

Actually, it might be fun to play to a crowd that doesn’t solely consist of the bartenders. Plus, maybe one of the guys in finance has a cousin who works at a record label! What the hell am I saying, we’re in a Midwest suburb! The most intense music they’ve ever been exposed to is Foo Fighters.

All my other bandmate’s coworkers are normal and lied about being too busy to come tonight the lucky bastards. Maybe when I get called into HR tomorrow I can convince them that this was all part of some Youtube prank show.

Ah, who am I kidding? I’m fucking fired.

Lazy Vinyl Collector Well-Versed in First Half of Classic Albums

Posted on by Jason Clemence

FRAMINGHAM, Mass. — Self-described “audiophile” and “vinyl junkie” Jerry Cordman possesses encyclopedic knowledge of the first half of countless masterful albums, a unique trait that acquaintances attribute to his near-pathological laziness, confirmed sources.

“There’s nothing more relaxing than spinning side one of a musical masterpiece, finally gathering your strength to walk 10 feet to the turntable, forgetting the album is only half over, and putting on something altogether different,” said Cordman, as he prepared for an immersive listen to Wu-Tang’s “The 36 Chambers” that would inevitably not include “C.R.E.A.M.” or “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing ta Fuck Wit.” “Name a classic album, and I guarantee you can find it on my shelf among my 3,000-and-counting vinyl collection. What’s more, I can tell you the most obscure details about the first five or so tracks.”

Cordman, who is unaware of the existence of a Slayer song called “Raining Blood,” is a frequent source of irritation for his live-in girlfriend Shannon Beckett.

“It’s ridiculous,” said Beckett. “I’ll hear the first half of Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’ playing, followed by 20 minutes of the sound of the needle scraping the dead wax. I’ll go into the living room to find him just sacked out on the couch. After listening to his detailed monologue about how it’s a shame ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ is the most iconic song on the album when ‘In Bloom’ is clearly superior. I mentioned that my favorite track is ‘On a Plain’ and he looked at me like I had three heads and asked me if that was on ‘Incesticide.’ When he finally got his ass off the couch, he put ‘Nevermind’ away and broke out ‘The Velvet Underground & Nico.’ I swear he doesn’t even know there’s a song on there called ‘Heroin,’ but he can wax eloquent about ‘Femme Fatale’ all day long.”

Social Psychologist Lena Marx confirmed that this phenomenon is not uncommon.

“Lots of music fans want the cachet of collecting and listening to vinyl,” said Marx. “But the actual effort of flipping the record doesn’t produce anywhere near the same level of dopamine as selecting a new album and carefully removing it from its sleeve while filing away the last one in whatever annoying organizational system they’ve decided on. It’s almost as though the appeal of vinyl collecting is more about elitism than audio quality.”

At press time, Cordman was vehemently insisting to his father that there most definitely is not a Beatles song called “A Day in the Life.”

Suicides Among ICE Agents Reach Alarmingly Low Numbers

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

WASHINGTON — The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) revealed that ICE agents just aren’t killing themselves, despite being complete and utter dickbags with zero respect for human life, confirmed sources.

“While our agents are found to suffer from mental health issues at the same rate as other Americans, they seem to be immune to self-introspection and totally incapable of empathy for others,” said law enforcement psychologist Dr. Susan Manzo. “Unfortunately, people who ultimately end up taking their own lives tend to be kind, loving people who leave enormous holes in the lives of the loved ones they leave behind. Basically the opposite of the type of people who choose to become ICE agents. Our agents exist solely to make the world a worse place, and they intend on sticking around to do so, despite the rest of humanity wishing they would just go ahead and take themselves out.”

Local teen James Nelson went no-contact with his father after he became an active ICE agent again this year when he heard about the unchecked force he’d be encouraged to use under President Trump.

“Every time the phone rings I worry that it’s THE call,” said 17-year-old Nelson. “I fear that it’s my dad and he still hasn’t killed himself. It just comes with the territory when your father is in that line of work. You never know what day will be his last but you can be sure it isn’t going to be soon enough. Here’s hoping my luck turns around and my dad offs himself.”

Kelly Walters, neuroscientist and professor of psychiatry, has spent decades studying the brains of serial killers, sociopaths, and men with personalities built around protein supplements.

“We expected we may find answers for the lack of moral development in the prefrontal cortex but we were shocked to find anomalies that go far beyond the brain,” said Walters. “We gave full body MRIs to a large number of ICE agents and discovered that inside their chest cavity, where we would see a heart in an ordinary person, is actually just a screaming void. You could actually hear it through the image which was really quite astounding.”

At press time, NIMH revealed that they would be opening a Suicide Encouragement Hotline, specifically for ICE agents who feel good about what they do for a living.

Aww! Guy Who Traumatizes Every Woman He Dates Reminds Internet He Really Loves His Mom

Posted on by Rachel Hein

It’s Jacob’s mother’s birthday, and he wants you to know his mom is his whole world… His hero. His queen. His rock. His first love. His last love. His maker. Mama’s boys are categorically good people. They love women because they love their mom. This cannot be contested.

“My mom was and still is a stunning beauty. A natural caretaker. She is the epitome of a woman. Unlike any other woman in the world. But most of all, she is selfless.” Jacob Jacobson wrote in a heartwarming tribute on Instagram on Sunday. “My dad and brothers and I have only accomplished greatness in our careers and personal ambitions because of her. We wouldn’t be here without her. She is the fuel with which we succeed. #mamasboy #worldsgreatestmom #myqueen #mom #women”

Imagine what a shock this heartfelt outpouring of support for women came to Jacob’s most recent ex, Phoebe Simone, who reported that Jacob also had some words for her recently.

“A few weeks ago, he called me a ‘f—ing w—-’, and a ‘stupid piece of s—,’ she recalled. “Jacob has always had a way with words. At first, he seemed to worship the ground I walked on, which was a bit overwhelming. Then, I made him a cake for his birthday, and he told me the icing wasn’t how his mom did it and asked me to redo it. I thought: wait, I make more money than this man, what the hell am I doing?”

That’s pretty shocking behavior coming from a confirmed momma-loving ally like Jacob, but then again, not all heroes wear capes. Maybe that well-disguised altruism is why dating Jacob is so expensive! Another ex-girlfriend weighed in on the financial damage from dating Jacob.

“Jacob set me back 20K in therapy bills. He told me he couldn’t picture me as a mother because I lacked the nurturing quality that his mom has,” Mary Barlowe shared. “Any time we would fight, he’d hold the phone up and say, ‘Just ask my mom. Ask her. Call her and she’ll tell you how well I treat women,” Mary reflected, shaking her head. “Also, let’s just say he left school during lunch every day to breastfeed in the parking lot, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

Sources close to Jacob’s mother gave her statement. “The girl that finally snatches him up will be the luckiest girl alive. I just haven’t met any who deserve my sweet boy yet.”

New Amazon Prime Series Explores Alternate American Timeline Where David Lee Roth Never Left Van Halen

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Streaming giant Amazon Prime announced today the upcoming release of “I’m The One,” an alternate-history series that ponders how history might change if eccentric frontman David Lee Roth never left the rock band Van Halen to pursue a solo career, studio insiders report.

“In this universe, the Iran-Contra affair never happens because Roth gets the hostages freed in exchange for a private concert for Hezbollah,” explained showrunner Russel Gallant, whose previous credits include being a PA on “Entourage” and being fired from the set of “Supernatural.” “The Berlin Wall still falls, but years earlier due to the vibrations of Roth’s extended falsetto screech during ‘Unchained’ at a concert in East Berlin. Communism collapses early, hair metal continues late into the ‘90s, grunge never happens, Generation X emerges happier and mentally stable, we build hoverboards by 1997.”

Some music fans, however, feel “I’m The One” is punching above its weight.

“Sure, we’d all like to imagine a world where ‘Balance’ never happened but pretending that David Lee Roth sticking around would have magically solved all of America’s problems is peak delusion,” said 52-year-old record store owner Chuck Moreno. “Rock and roll didn’t save America then, and it wouldn’t save it in a timeline where David Lee Roth flaps his butterfly wings and the show ‘Friends’ never exists. Again, I’m not complaining but it’s just too fantastical.”

Historians seem to be cautiously endorsing the show’s premise.

“There’s solid academic debate over whether Van Halen’s split destabilized the cultural optimism of the late ‘80s,” said Dr. Madison Pryce, a pop culture historian at UCLA. “When Roth left, it was a signal to the American subconscious that nothing good lasts. The light of American optimism began to fade and we entered a dark age. Frankly, sign me up for a timeline where MTV still playing music videos somehow stops the dot-com bubble from bursting.”

At press time, Gallant revealed that the second season of the show will take place over 24 hours on September 11, 2001 where Van Halen performs at Madison Square Garden and nothing else of consequence happens.

Poser Skateboarding Bulldog Pushes Mongo

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

HONOLULU — Local skateboarding bulldog Excalibur reportedly pushes the board with his back legs instead of his front ones like a dork, according to its disappointed owner Kevin Willrick.

“Sure, it’s cool having a skateboarding dog, but why does he have to be such a poser?” said Willrick while browsing the animal shelter’s website for a different dog to adopt. “It’s always been my dream to be one of those guys who owns a dog that shreds, but there is no world that I ever imagined it’d push mongo. I just didn’t think it was possible. Plus, I bought him this sweet Hockey board with Ace trucks, and those new soft Spitfire wheels, but all he wants to ride is this ratty old Nash board he found in the garbage; the thing has plastic trucks. I wonder if the adoption center has a return policy.”

Willrick’s roommate Chelsea Van Hogen noticed some troubling patterns with Excalibur in recent weeks.

“I knew something was up when it was a warm sunny day and all the dog wanted to do was play ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater,’” said Van Hogen as she slipped in some of Excalibur’s slobber. “Sure, THPS is fun to play on a rainy day, but this was ideal skating weather and he wouldn’t stop staring at the TV and pawing at the controller. Next day, same idea. Except instead of playing video games, Excalibur just spent the day fingerboarding on some old textbooks I had laying around. It’s almost as if he likes the idea of being a cool skateboarding dog rather than actually being a cool skateboarding dog.”

Razor Scooters founder and CEO Carlton Calvin says he might have something for Excalibur.

“Our company was built on posers that are too lame to ride actual skateboards,” said Calvin while Googling himself. “As a matter of fact, I was a failed skateboarding company executive before I founded Razor. And Excalibur sounds like just the kind of dog we could use on our pro scooter team. He might be the thing that finally brings scooters back on top of the niche transportation and extreme sports markets. Now I’m not sure how a bulldog can ride a Razor exactly, but I’m sure R&D can get that all sorted out.”

At press time, Excalibur was seen ordering $800 worth of clothes from a CCM catalog.

Profiles in Courage: Meet the Firefighter Who Has Single-Handedly Been Putting Out Kings of Leon Sex Fires for Two Decades

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Rick Stiever is a man of simple means. The unassuming veteran of the Humboldt County Fire Department is a lean, goateed man of 46 years who enjoys his dogs, woodworking, and a good Sudoku puzzle. By the looks of it, he is not the kind of man one would associate with ‘00s-era indie rock or ravenously hot sex, respectively, and yet he has been a guardian angel of sorts for both.

“Look, I wish I had never heard of these Kings Of Leon jokers, but here we are,” Rick told us over Zoom. As the story goes, multiple reports of sex fires started surfacing in early 2009. Initially thought of as a humorous oddity, casualties notwithstanding, a panic slowly started to take shape as more and more reports cropped up across the country. Why were people’s sex on fire? And also, why was there an iPod Mini found at every sex fire site with the Kings Of Leon’s unabashed arena rock sell-out album “Only By the Night” loaded onto it?

“When that damn song hit the top of the charts there was a whole unit dedicated to the KOL Sex Fires. I mean millennials were fucking to that thing like you couldn’t believe,” Rick told us, his eyes tearing up. “Lost a lot of good men that summer.”

A major roadblock for Rick and his team was the lack of research regarding sex fires.
Common side effects of coitus are mostly limited to feelings of pleasure, feelings of shame, chafing, getting the goddamn fitted sheet all messed up again, jizz, and peeing all weird afterwards. But almost never fire. To make matters worse, the KOL Sex Fire Unit was largely comprised of hunky firemen due to their perceived expertise in the sensual arts. However, they quickly learned you cannot fight sex fire with sexy firemen. The result was simply too sexy, causing the fire to get hornier and in turn, more deadly.

While “Sex On Fire” fucking levels have decreased to a much more manageable state, Rick still cannot shake the feeling that more lives are at stake. “All it would take is one millennial couple boning in the woods with a little JBL speaker blasting an ‘09 Fuck Playlist and boom. You know, they still haven’t found the exact root cause of the L.A. Fires, but something tells me one day they’ll find an iPod Mini somewhere in the brush.”