How To Tell if Rick Rubin Is Producing Your Album or Just Simply Napping

Posted on by Kyle Donley

So Rick Rubin is producing your next album. Fantastic news! He’s a musical genius known for unconventional production methods such as transcendental snacking and recumbent unconscious listening. But how can you tell if he’s actively producing your album in a deep meditative trance or if he’s just sleepy after a big lunch?

Don’t worry, The Hard Times has got you covered! Please refer to our comprehensive guide below to help you identify the proper context clues and navigate this challenging scenario like a pro!

Did Rick just have lunch or a large snack?

If the answer is yes, chances are Rick is napping. If you are unsure, survey the area for clues (Are there crumbs in his beard? Is he using a half-eaten bag of Sun Chips as a pillow? Et cetera)

Is Rick wrapped in a blanket?

He’s probably sleeping. If you notice he’s brought his own blanket, he’s definitely sleeping. If it’s more of a throw blanket that was already on the couch, take note of the room’s temperature and use your best judgement.

Is the couch pushed all the way up to the mixing console?

He’s almost certainly producing. Don’t worry, he knows not to touch the faders.

Is Rick muttering, and if yes, what is he muttering?

Muttering is normally a good sign that Rick is semi-conscious or at the very least in a fugue-like state. However, it is essential to pay close attention to what he is muttering, as well. If it’s more along the lines of “Hell yeah” and “Now we’re getting somewhere”, he is almost certainly producing. However, if he’s saying stuff like “Nana, they don’t make shoes that small, it’s no use” he may very well be sleeping.

Are the lights turned off?

This is a tricky one. If the lights are turned off he could be sleeping or he might just be trying to set the vibe. Take note of the vibe. Is there a hookah in the room? Is he wearing a cool hat? Proceed with caution.

Is Rick hooked up to a CPAP machine?

He’s sleeping.

Overall he’s sleeping most of the time, but sometimes he’s producing, and in one very specific case he did both, producing Stadium Arcadium entirely in his sleep “Weekend At Bernies” style. We hope this informative guide has been helpful for aspiring musicians everywhere looking for Rick Rubin to take credit for their work.

New ICE Recruitment Ad Just “Click Click Boom” Playing Over Video of Mexican Kid’s Birthday Party

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — ICE unveiled a new recruitment ad today that was just Saliva’s “Click, Click, Boom” playing at an insanely loud volume over a video of a Mexican kid’s birthday party, sources confirmed.

“Look at little Guillermo smugly enjoying his birthday party, not a care in the world—that should be your cake, your nine-year old friends, your loving family singing you happy birthday, but instead this border hopping piece of shit took all that from you,” said ICE recruiter Clark Gibson, shouting over the Saliva soundtrack. “So what are we gonna do about it, huh? Sit back and let violent hordes of nine-year old illegals steal our birthday presents? Or are we gonna raid this Chuck E. Cheese, kick some grade school ass, and break up some motherfuckin’ families?”

Clint Hendricks, director of the recruitment video, broke down the artistic decisions that brought his vision to life.

“When I was conceptualizing this video I really wanted to show that the ICE agency is radical law enforcement for the Trump era, coming down with the new style, and you know it’s buck wild,” said Hendricks, stroking his soul patch. “See the pinata represents the American dream, which the foreign children beat with sticks until they can steal everything for themselves. And here you’ll notice the tasteful use of crosshairs over the kid’s pregnant aunt. Now some critics have complained that the use of ‘Click, Click, Boom’ might suggest we’re promoting violence towards children, and to those people I would say: we originally wanted ‘Seek and Destroy,’ but getting the rights from Metallica was way too expensive.”

ICE Director Todd Lyons hinted that future recruitment videos would be coming soon to boost enrollment.

“After waging trench warfare against the immigrant hordes in Los Angeles, we knew we were going to need to boost our recruitment numbers if we had any chance of eradicating this foreign contagion. Thankfully, we’ve got some new recruitment videos that make ‘Birth of a Nation’ look like ‘In the Heights,'” said Lyons. “We’re in contact with Drowning Pool to use ‘Bodies’ in a new community outreach campaign, but we’ve also got something special planned for the beginning of football season. Remember those Terry Tate: Office Linebacker commercials on ESPN? Picture that but with ICE agents brutalizing Venezuelan grandmas in a nursing home, pure cinema.”

At press time, Lyons had reportedly commissioned a new ICE training video that was just the first half of “American History X.”

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Determining The Viability Of Fleeing To Canada

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another week filled with devastating heat, threats of World War III, and even worse, a new Benson Boone album. You might be wondering how to escape. While we don’t have any concrete plans outside of staring directly at the sun while violently screaming, we do have some new music for you. Here are six songs our staff listened to this week while fighting off a constant and collective low-grade panic attack.

Motion City Soundtrack ‘She Is Afraid’

It’s been nearly a decade since Motion City Soundtrack called it quits before promptly going on more tours than most indie bands do in their entire careers. The band’s last uttering of new music occurred in 2015 with their album ‘Panic Stations.’ This all changed last week with the announcement of a new record ‘The Same Old Wasted Wonderful World’ and lead single ‘She Is Afraid,’ leading to all of your English major friends letting out muted but unmistakable screams of unbridled joy.

The Beths ‘No Joy’

New Zealand indie rock quartet The Beths continue to tease their upcoming full-length ‘Straight Line Was a Lie’ with the new single ‘No Joy.’ For a song with such heavy subject matter, it’s one of the more upbeat tracks we’ve heard from the indie rockers. If you make a point to not listen to the lyrics at all you might even start doing that weird little dance at your desk that your coworkers can totally see despite your concealment efforts.

Between the Buried And Me ‘Things We Tell Ourselves In The Dark’

For a song titled ‘Things We Tell Ourselves In The Dark,’ Between the Buried And Me’s first new track in nearly half a decade could be a lot more depraved by our staff’s horrifying standards. Not to say that the band’s blend of prog, metal, and avant-garde rock isn’t shocking in its own right, it’s just that a lot of our interns are concerningly morbid people. Regardless, the track is a total trip and maybe the first song we’ve heard in a while that makes a bass solo sound tolerable.

The Armed ‘Kingbreaker’

You might be tempted to start shopping for new headphones, stereo equipment, or an ENT doctor within a few seconds of The Armed’s new single ‘Kingbreaker.’ We’re here to save you money, time, and sanity by assuring you the song just sounds like that. The Detroit punk collective has been known to push stylistic bounds, but this track takes things up a notch. Imagine being in a perfectly triangulated position that allows you to hear every stage at a noise festival simultaneously and you’ll be in the ballpark here.

Sanguisugabogg ‘Abhorrent Contraception’

The great thing about the written medium is that we don’t even have to attempt to pronounce Sangis… wait… Shishke… no… wait we got this… Sanguisugabogg! Nailed it. Anyway, the overnight death metal sensations announced ‘Hideous Aftermath’ their highly anticipated follow-up album to 2023’s instant classic ‘Homicidal Ecstasy.’ The lead single ‘Abhorrent Contraception’ continues to cement their status as genre toppers while proving they actually do know how to think of titles that are pronounceable and easy to read.

Wednesday ‘Wound Up Here (By Holdin On)’

It wouldn’t quite feel like summer without some sludgy guitars that seem to evoke both a cool breeze and smothering humidity at the same time. Fortunately, Wednesday has us covered with their latest, ‘Wound Up Here (By Holdin On).’ In true Wednesday fashion, the song features earnest and vulnerable lyricism that sits on top of a wall of guitars seemingly fighting to be the first to break out of your speakers. It’s crunchy as hell, and woozier than you were after mowing the lawn this week.

Need more? Well, fuck off. Sorry, it’s really hot out still and we’re kind of cranky about it. Here’s a playlist that has every song we’ve listened to this year. It pairs well with stuffing a bunch of ice cubes under your hat and dousing your body with cooler water.

Wall of Death Resumes After Peace Talks Fail

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A particularly violent wall of death during an Exodus concert continued after peace talks failed to reach a diplomatic solution, distressed sources report.

“Their demands were completely unreasonable,” left-side participant Raissa Bernandi complained. “They wanted an apology from the face-tatted guy in the Kreator shirt for accidentally spilling his beer on the girlfriend of one of their moshers, and they also wanted a verbal agreement that none of the tall guys on our side would stand in front of them for the remainder of the show. Obviously, it was not feasible for us to acquiesce to these, so I guess it’s back to the drawing board while we gear up to charge at each other again. They really need to approach these talks more realistically.”

Toby Carrol, negotiator for the wall of death’s right side, provided his side of the story.

“Listen, we can’t be the only side willing to make concessions,” Carrol sighed. “We agreed to have our weird 60-year-old guy put his shirt back on, and we kicked out that obnoxious teenager who was doing that stupid windmill thing with his arms after he broke that lady’s nose. What have they done that shows they’re putting forth any effort to stop this violence? Nothing. My side has been committed to a peaceful resolution, but we’re not afraid to continue the wall of death until then. From here on out, though, if anybody gets hurt, you’ll know who to blame.”

Bystander Lucia Alfaro described what she saw.

“It’s just so heartbreaking seeing such senseless violence,” Alfaro lamented. “I can’t believe it’s gone on this long, as I would’ve thought for sure that they would’ve put an end to it by now. Each time the two sides charge at each other, I wince at the thought of all the concussions and broken bones that are probably resulting. At this point, I don’t even care which side is in the right. I just want them to reach an agreement so we can all move on. I came here to thrash out to Exodus, not to see people get hurt. They haven’t even played ‘The Toxic Waltz’ yet, so the worst is yet to come. I just hope everyone involved knows how critical these next few minutes are in preventing even more injuries.”

At press time, the bartender was brought in as an arbiter in the next round of peace talks.

First Cool Cop? This One Is Asking Me if I Have Any Drugs

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

Wow, you can never judge a book by its cover. Even if that cover is an NYPD uniform. I mean here I am, stumbling piss drunk and shirtless out of my buddy’s basement show in Red Hook, and a fucking cop of all people wants to keep the party going.

I mean, to be fair, I only approached him because he was riding a horse. So I thought he was just a regular guy who was already on drugs. But wouldn’t you know it, a brief convo about The Strokes buying their way into the NYC rock scene was enough to let Mr. Stop and Frisk know it was cool to let his hair down. He asked me, “Sir, do you have any drugs on you?”

Now, I know all cops are bastards, but maybe this one is the least bastardly of them all. I mean, out of all the cops out there, one of them has to be the coolest. That’s just science, and maybe science has led me to him. Or maybe it’s just all the drugs I’ve taken tonight. Who’s to say?

After telling him I didn’t have any drugs on me, we continued our admittedly one-sided conversation, where I asked him how accurate the movie Police Academy is to the real thing, and whether or not I could hold his gun. He was pretty uninterested, but his eyes lit up when I invited him back to my place, where I said I had tons of drugs we could do together.

In closing, I learned that everyone likes to party, even the cops. And that maybe if we all did more drugs together, we would have fewer differences. I mean, there’s no greater bonding experience than doing a line and blasting Agnostic Front to the entire neighborhood at 3AM.

And even though I had lost my key and couldn’t get into my apartment, the cop told me he’d be back tomorrow, and that he couldn’t wait to see all my drugs. I just hope he likes all the band names I’ve come up with for us, and that he knows of a practice space we could use. Maybe the room at his precinct where they keep all the confiscated drugs.

Guitarist Buys $450 Pedal Just to Play Last 15 Seconds of “Karma Police”

Posted on by Rob Ryder

ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Amateur guitarist Jay Alvarez recently purchased a $450 delay pedal in an attempt to replicate the last few seconds of Radiohead’s 1997 Hit “Karma Police,” concerned friends reported.

“I’d heard the song streaming a few times and I started to wonder how they made that wild sound at the end,” said Alvarez while testing various 9-volt batteries with his tongue. “I checked Ultimate Guitar and according to user guitarslut69, who posted ‘Karma Police (ver 8),’ it requires a delay pedal. I checked Amazon, and they had one for $25, but there’s no way Jonny Greenwood would settle for bargain prices. So after talking pedals with a Guitar Center salesman for about two hours, I walked out with the real deal, a Strymon Timeline Multidimensional Delay for only $450. If only I can figure out how it works.”

Alvarez’s friend and fellow guitarist Tim Williams reported the pedal was impressive, but rather difficult to operate.

“You should see this fucking thing, you could fly it to the moon and back,” said Williams while searching YouTube for instruction demos. “He got it two weeks ago and we haven’t figured out how to make the sound in ‘Karma Police’ yet. But look at this goddamn pedal. It’s got nine knobs, three buttons, and like 37 input/output jacks. But even with all that it’s impossible, there’s no way that it’s just one delay pedal in that song, I’m starting to think it’s two in stereo or something. I think Jay should buy another one or three more just in case. That’s gotta be the secret.”

Guitar Center pedal specialist Max Travis, who sold the pedal to Alvarez, admitted he’s not much of a Radiohead fan himself, but was fairly confident in his sales pitch.

“Honestly, I haven’t heard that song in forever. And why would I? I don’t really listen to music. But I figured the Stryman’s gotta have the features he needs,” said Travis while offering $50 for a used Strymon Riverside sold two months prior. “If he comes back to return it, I always know what to say in these Radiohead-based situations: ‘Have you tried adding an EQ pedal or a boost? That’s gotta be what’s missing, try that.’ As long as he keeps the pedal for 30 days, the return window closes and the sale is final.”

At press time, Alvarez and Williams were back at Guitar Center looking at a used Kemper Profiler for $1,585.

Greg Ginn Announces 9-Year-Old Nephew Already Working on Artwork for Next Black Flag Album

Posted on by Tim Graham

HERMOSA BEACH, Calif. — Black Flag founder Greg Ginn revealed that the band’s next album will feature artwork by his nephew Ben, sources in the boy’s Fortnite Discord confirm.

“I wanted to inject fresh energy into the newest incarnation of Black Flag. That’s why I brought in some talented young collaborators,” said Ginn while waiting to pick up his new bassist from soccer practice. “We’ve nearly got enough material for an album now, so I figured we better get going on the artwork. I was thinking of who I could ask to take on the job, when it struck me: Who better to do it than my little nephew Ben? He’s a whiz at computers and art. You should see the Skibidi Toilets that he draws on his tablet.”

This isn’t the first time Ginn has tapped a very young person to create artwork for the band.

“Greg approached me to do the cover for ‘What The…’ back in 2013 after he saw some doodles of ‘South Park’ characters on my notebook. I was only 11 at the time and had never even heard of Black Flag,” said Charlie Finn, now 24. “He basically told me to draw Eric Cartman with a mohawk. I presented him with a rough sketch and he went ahead and used it for the actual artwork. He paid me with a few packs of Pokémon cards, which I thought was cool at the time but now seems pretty exploitative. I opted not to work with him again when he got in touch recently.”

Graphic designer Sue McIntyre says Ginn’s behavior represents a threat to her industry.

“Everyone is talking about how AI is taking designers’ jobs,” said McIntyre. “But that’s only the latest assault on the profession. Greg Ginn is engaging in a much older method of devaluing our work: nepotism. A real designer would be able to create something timeless and classy for a fair price—but Ginn is cheaping out. He used to depend on his brother, Raymond Pettibon, who created Black Flag’s most iconic imagery, but at some point Pettibon must’ve realized he was being taken advantage of. So now Ginn relies on what amounts to child labor.”

At press time, Ginn had reportedly approved his nephew’s first draft of the new cover art which featured a crude rendering of a skanking Sonic the Hedgehog.

Opinion: Bluesky Is Failing Because I Got Made Fun of Pretty Hard on There

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

Bluesky: It seems like the place on the internet where everyone wants to be right now. “It’s like Twitter, but with less Nazis”, they say. “You’ll love it!” Well, since this new app is apparently the hottest thing since the Chili Peppers, I recently figured I’d give it a shot. But what I saw once I logged in absolutely shocked me. I’m here to tell you, definitively, that this is not a website for intelligent or entertaining discourse. How could it be, when I got made fun of so hard there?

I like to think of myself as a pretty Average Joe – I like sports, I work in an office, and I park my Maserati in my 4-car garage at the end of every day just like everyone else. And I’m just as entitled to my reasonable opinions, too. Opinions like “Having a liberal echo chamber isn’t good for society because then everyone is too cordial and understanding to one another. This site needs to make room for more diversity of thought, because bigotry and hatred are what make the world go ‘round.” Does that make me a bad guy? I don’t think so, but Bluesky certainly does, and that’s why the app will never be a success.

Let me pose a hypothetical question: do you truly believe that a website where someone can tell me to “shut the fuck up, you fascist boomer POS” and that “you’re the exact reason we all left Twitter, lmao” is anything but a failure? I never get this kind of flack on Truth Social, which is doing incredibly well for itself, I might add. Just the other day, I tried to defend myself by lightly suggesting that arguing with Q’Anon psychopaths online is a stimulating mental workout and is an experience noticeably absent from Bluesky generally. More engagement and debate leads to more site traffic and more profit, everyone knows this! But the response from the masses? “Yeah, we definitely need to hear more from the Hitler Youth. This guy’s a real genius.” Well, if that’s how you feel about it, then I guess I’ll just pack my things and leave this failing place for good!

Look, at the end of the day, I just think we’re not taking into account the people who happen to support our current authoritarian dictator and his cabinet of vultures. There’s really just not enough of it on the news programs and other media channels that are playing basically 24/7. I don’t think that’s enough to warrant being made fun of, and people online responding, “Oh, you must be in the wrong place! Elon Musk’s gaping asshole is that way, actually!” If that’s the type of conversation that’s being promoted on Bluesky, it will never take off. I prefer my echo chambers to be a little less intolerant of intolerance, thank you very much.

If you want a website where the same hum-drum, respectful, nuanced discussions are happening all the time, Bluesky is the place for you. But be warned, you might get made fun of way harder for having shitty opinions than you would on a site like X. Elon Musk has a lot of money, after all. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

RFK Jr. Tells Staff Not to Bother Him Until It’s a Big Pox Outbreak

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dismissed a potential smallpox outbreak today by telling HHS staffers not to bother him until it’s a “big pox” outbreak, sources confirmed.

“I’m this close to finally proving that artificial dye in tennis balls cause autism in dogs and all these worrywarts can talk about is a teeny little ‘smallpox outbreak’—well do me a favor and don’t come back until it’s a big pox outbreak, and it better be big enough to hit with my car and mount above my fireplace!” shouted RFK Jr., scribbling “Pawtism???” on a white board. “If smallpox is so dangerous, why can’t I see it with my eyes? Because it’s all a scam by the fat cats at Big Science to get you to buy more microscopes.”

Department of Health & Human Services staffer Tom Montgomery claimed this was just the latest in a string of concerning directives.

“How are we supposed to handle big pox when we’re still trying to coordinate his bird flu outbreak response? I still don’t feel good about feeding chicken noodle soup to the chickens either, I feel like that’s how you get zombie bird flu,” said Montgomery, signing RFK Jr.’s name to a “get well soon” card for the chickens. “Not to mention I’ve had to spend the last two weeks trying to find a supplier that can produce vitamin C enemas small enough to fit inside a chicken. Hey, does anyone know if you’re supposed to rub Vick’s Vapor Rub under the feathers, or just anywhere on the chicken breast?”

Infectious disease expert Dr. Ronda Scheffler hoped Americans would take Kennedy’s recommendations with a grain of salt.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am urging Americans to please do their own research and not listen to the HHS’ recommendation to ‘plug up all your holes with beef tallow to keep the smallpox out,'” said Scheffler. “Furthermore, I’d like to state for the record that there is no clinical evidence that tanning your asshole after looking at a rainbow will ‘burn the gay out of your body’ nor does his claim that ‘raw milk embalming will ward off those greedy, thieving mole people trying to steal the bitcoin you need to pay the ferryman to cross the river styx.'”

At press time, Kennedy sent out a memo directing all clinical trials to replace the placebo pill with Viagra.

Heroic Suicide Hotline Worker Hangs Up on ICE Agent

Posted on by Tim Sheard

DALLAS — A local 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline worker abruptly hung up on a caller from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement who was despondent over not ruining enough lives, proud coworkers reported.

“We are taught to never hang up on a caller- with a few exceptions, of course. Not everything in life is so black and white,” stated Katie Turner, who started working for 988 Lifeline after the death of her best friend by suicide. “A few exceptions are made for ICE agents, IDF soldiers, people who use speakerphones in public, and Stephen Miller if he ever calls. But if you don’t fall into one of those categories, we will work with you no matter how hopeless you feel. Your life has value and is worth saving. Those other guys? Not so much.”

The ICE agent in question, Troy Larrimer, has been showing signs of extreme depression ever since a February 2025 raid incident.

“I just can’t live with myself anymore. Back in February, I had a moment of extreme weakness where I didn’t handcuff this family’s elderly abuelita,” recounted a despairing Larrimer, who has tripled his weekly arrest rate since in an attempt to justify his existence. “She had an oxygen tank hooked up to her nose and was crying. While my squadmates were beating the shit out of everyone else in the house, I just kind of froze. How can I live with myself after such a show of cowardice? Since then, I’ve been dividing families and throwing teenagers into the back of vans but nothing quite fills the void I feel.”

Social workers described the devastating effects that ICE enforcement has on families and communities.

“Once ICE separates a family, there is no timeline for when they might be reunited. Sometimes it never happens. That’s why we call on everyone to resist ICE whenever possible,” stated Irene Garland, Child Advocate at Dallas Independent School District. “If you work at Starbucks? Jizz in an ICE agent’s coffee. Or maybe you’re a mechanic and are repairing an ICE agent’s car- whoops, you just didn’t happen to notice that new leak in their brake lines. If Congress will never have the backbone to eliminate ICE, we can at least make their lives miserable.”

If you are an ICE agent experiencing thoughts of suicidal ideation, remember this: your choices and actions have led you to be undeserving of the life you were gifted, and the world is better off without you.