Sports Shirt Safely Vintage Enough That You Won’t Be Mistaken for Actual Fan

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

LOS FELIZ, Calif. — A shirt bearing the logo of a professional hockey team was deemed an acceptable purchase recently as the retro-quality of the clothing is unlikely to spur attention from actual sports aficionados, sources confirmed.

“I was initially reluctant to wear a shirt advertising a sports team I knew nothing about. But, weighing my options, I figured since it was a Hartford Whalers children’s pajama top with a goofy cartoon whale on the front, I would be in the clear,” said hipster Lewis Spinney, while affixing a few pins to it. “It’s old and mis-sized enough that I don’t think anyone would mistake me for an actual hockey guy. I think their questions would be more along the lines of ‘you’re really going to work looking like that?’ than ‘did you catch the tournament last night?’ Plus, get a load of the propellor on my hat. All attention will be drawn there…oh, and to my super interesting personality, of course.”

Spinney’s uncle Fran Crowley, an avowed “sports nut,” concurred with his nephew’s new shirt’s irony level estimation.

“Hell, that team hasn’t been around since two ex-wives ago! There’s no way anyone would mistake my nephew for anyone who’d even seen ‘Slap Shot,’ much less an actual hockey game,” chuckled Crowley, without breaking eye contact with the TV playing ESPN. “He won’t have to have any stats or roster order at the ready, not at all. Plus, who’s gonna ask him about it? The keyboardist in his rock band, or the guys checking the expiration on the oat milk at his coffee shop job? Gimme a break here!”

Peter Karmanos, former owner of the Hartford Whalers, took offense to the insincerity of Spinney’s attire choice.

“I’ll show that little snot. Just for that, I’m bringing back the Whalers to make them more popular than ever. He’s gonna regret shelling out $65 bucks at the Replay Vintage shop for that little outfit of his, you mark my words,” said Karmanos, while shaking his fist. “On top of that, I’m issuing a press release tomorrow announcing that this kid’s starting at left wing for the team. Let’s see him try to get out of talking about hockey when he’s lacing up his skates and getting pucks whipped at his skull. And I’ll be sure to let him know that the jerseys? Oh, the jerseys will be brand new and fit perfectly. He’s gonna hate it.”

At press time, though the shirt had evaded attention from sports fans, it has unfortunately sparked up multiple unwanted conversations with professional whale hunters.

Opinion: Why Haven’t We Are Scientists Written a Song About Mitochondria Being the Powerhouse of the Cell?

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I think it’s fair to say that We Are Scientists is a great band but every time I listen to them there’s this feeling that comes over me akin to an itch I can’t scratch. It’s been driving me crazy for years, like there is some unresolved melody or out-of-place synth I couldn’t pinpoint.

It wasn’t until I started paying attention to the lyrics that it finally hit me: the band, despite their name invoking knowledge and study of the natural world, has never written a single song about mitochondria being the powerhouse of the cell.

Seriously, what the hell is up with that? As a band with a STEM reference they have some responsibility to educate the public, like an indie rock Bill Nye (or Beakman’s World since there’s three of them). The closest thing they’ve done to anything science-related was “Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt” which I assume is about that bowling ball pendulum experiment from physics class.

I find it hard to believe that after eight studio albums, the guys wouldn’t put out one winking inside joke track about breaking down glucose into adenosine triphosphate. Are they trying to gatekeep eighth-grade science from the masses? I’m fully aware they’re not a theme band like Mac Sabbath, Okilly Dokilly, or the Misfits but given how badly underfunded our public schools have become, they should feel a moral obligation to sneak in some lines about our body’s ability to produce energy.

Hell at this rate I’d be satisfied if they covered Adolescents’ “Amoeba”. It’s not exactly what I’m looking for but their name is one of the first lines in the damn song! How has their body of work never been peer-reviewed?

I bet if we lobbied Congress to give them some research grant with 100% royalties they could knock out a few songs about photosynthesis or whatever. I don’t care if they’re just named after a Guided by Voices song, this whole outfit stinks of stolen valor, or at the very least false advertising.

Had I retained any scientific knowledge past middle school and possessed any musical acumen, I’d have done it myself already. So if the band would just live up to their namesake and drop an EP or just a one-off single about mitochondria and the human genome, I can get back to dancing my ass off to Lobes.

Nu Metal Dad Sits Teenage Son Down to Have the “Nookie Talk”

Posted on by Matt Husser

INDIANAPOLIS — Nu metal superfan Travis Cornwall reportedly sat his son down to have the “Nookie Talk” after the teenager started asking about the “birdz and the beez,” sources close to the family confirmed.

“Wispy soul patch coming in, trying to hide his male pattern baldness with a backwards red hat—my little bizkit boy is finally becoming a nu metal man, and I think it’s high time we sat down and finally told him how Nookie works,” said Cornwall, dusting off a sealed “Significant Other” CD he had saved for just this occasion. “Everything you need to know about sex is right here in this album, from where to stick that cookie, to dealing with the ‘he says, she says bullshit.’ I’ll probably wait to discuss ‘Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water’ with him though—that’s pretty advanced for his age, and he’ll learn to experiment with that kinda stuff in college.”

Despite the good intentions behind the discussion, Cornwall’s teenage son was reportedly mortified by the Limp Bizkit-themed sex talk.

“My dad is so embarrassing, he told me that I’m probably at the age where ‘All Day I Dream About Sex,’ but that it’s perfectly normal to want to play with my ‘Freak on a Leash’ in private,” said Fred Cornwall, slamming his bedroom door shut. “I know that he’s trying to be helpful, but his stupid nu metal analogies don’t make any sense. What am I supposed to do with ‘when a man and a woman love each other very much, sometimes they take their privates and put them N 2 Gether Now’? And he went on and on about wearing condoms or I’d get down with the sickness.”

Music-themed sex talks were reportedly a longstanding family tradition according to the family’s grandfather, who revealed that he had once had the ‘Cherry Pie’ talk with his own son.

“All boys have questions about ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ at that age, so when it came time for the ‘Cherry Pie’ talk I imparted Travis with all the wisdom I’d learned from Warrant and Motley Crue,” said Ray Cornwall, spraying a cloud of hairspray into his receding mane. “Then we took a drive in my Camaro and listened to Def Leppard’s ‘Hysteria’ together. I mean everything you need to know is right there in ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’—girls got the peaches, boys got the cream—then they teach you the rest of the details at school.”

At press time, the teenage son reported that he considered himself extremely lucky after finding out that a classmate’s dad had used Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” as the basis for their sex talk.

JD Vance Catching More Backlash After Saying Women Over 30 Shouldn’t Be Happy

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ST. CLOUD, Minn. — Vice Presidential nominee J.D. Vance found himself in hot water again over his views regarding childless women at a recent rally after stating that women over the age of 30 are not supposed to be happy, sources within the Trump campaign have admitted.

“Listen, all I’m saying is that any woman over the age of 30 who prioritizes a fulfilling existence over being a breeding sow for her husband is an enemy of the state. It frightens me that the woke mind virus would have women believe joy can be derived from traveling and creative expression and not, say, rearing children and doing all the housework,” said Vance. “I believe that in order for this great country to prosper, all women should set aside personal ambition and peace of mind to toil endlessly through a mediocre marriage until they can no longer bear children, then they can be euthanized and go forth to the loving arms of Christ. Any other way of thinking is just deranged.”

Many undecided women voters who attended the rally could not believe Vance was expressing these sentiments out loud.

“Shitting on women for choosing cats over mediocre men wasn’t enough, so now he had to come out and say we’re all insane. What I think is insane was my Trump loving, gaslighter ex-husband who made my life a living hell. I’m infinitely happier on my own and too bad if that upsets Senator Couch Fucker,” said Jane Lawson. “Sorry if protecting my peace is a threat to democracy, but I’m not the only one who’s going to waste their one time on this planet suppressing joy and self discovery to be a trad wife. Keep that shit in Ohio where it belongs.”

Political strategists were dumbfounded by the Senator’s series of unforced blunders.

“Senator Vance’s best course of action would be keeping his mouth shut for the remainder of the campaign. Every time I think he can’t alienate women voters more, he just blurts out some incel talking point unprovoked. It’s unreal,” said Carter Smith. “Last we checked, the Declaration of Independence stated that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness were inalienable rights, so maybe shitting on 55% of the population in order to obtain the second highest position in the country isn’t the smartest move. He’d be better off resigning and spend his days shitposting his backwards views on X.”

At press time, Vance was not helping his case after also saying men who treat their partners with respect are pussies.

Landlord Fines Tenant for Undisclosed Roommates After Reporting Bedbug Infestation

Posted on by Ben Friedman

QUEENS, N.Y. — Local man Nate McKellen was shocked to find that his landlord slapped him with a massive fine for housing undisclosed roommates after reporting a bedbug infestation in his apartment, other building tenants have confirmed.

“Listen, it specifically states on the lease that anyone renting an apartment with multiple tenants, be they possess vertebrae or thorax, has to get the OK from me first. It feels like Nate was reporting this alleged infestation after they wouldn’t pay rent or something, and wants me to kick them out for him,” said landlord Terry Franklin. “$10 per roommate is more than fair, especially when you’re talking about five hundred of them. He thought he could get away with it, but you can’t pull a fast one on old Terry.”

McKellen was blindsided by his landlord’s accusation of trying to split the rent between hundreds of blood-sucking insects.

“I am literally throwing out everything I own and this guy has the balls to tape a letter to my door insinuating that I invited these fuckers? I pay $3,000 a month for a studio with black mold, bad plumbing, and a radiator that never shuts off no matter how hot it is. Apparently, now it’s my fault he never sprays for bugs,” said McKellen as he was throwing trash bags of clothing out of his window. “Does he think I put out a Craigslist ad for hundreds of parasites to move in and we’re all just having a grand old time here? I’m not surprised, after all this is the same guy who tried to hit me with a small pet fee after I reported a huge rat in my kitchen last month. Maybe I’ll mail him some of my ‘roommates’ with my fine.”

Tenant rights advocates noted these kinds of fines are sadly becoming more commonplace.

“Property ownership has increasingly become a game of how hard you can fuck your renters, and much of said fucking has come in the form of gratuitous fines and infractions. We’ve fought back against plenty of landlords and their frivolous penalties like the one guy who alleged his tenant was illegally subletting to a ghost,” said Megan Williams. “These people should take a good look in the mirror next time they want to fine someone for bugs, since they clearly need a reminder who’s the real vermin.”

As of press time, McKellen was served an eviction notice after his landlord had also accused him of operating an illegal Airbnb for carpenter ants.

Wow! “Smilin’ Bob” From the Enzyte Commercials Still Has an Erection Despite Being Dead for 6 Years

Posted on by Chris Bowen

If you’re over the age of 30, and like me, incessantly watched TV while every other kid you knew was outside skateboarding, you probably remember Smilin’ Bob. You know, the creepy guy on the commercial for the erectile dysfunction pills called Enzyte. The whistling, the ear-to-ear smile, the stupid waving etc. Well, a research team at Montana State University-Northern, seemingly bit by the nostalgia bug, decided to catch up with him. While hard to believe, the results are throbbing with amazement.

However, the team catching up with Smilin’ Bob found that it would be no easy task.

“Our team scoured the internet for several minutes before coming to the conclusion that Bob had in fact died in federal prison 6 years ago…but that wasn’t going to hold us back,” Gary Neldridge MSU researcher and project lead explained. “Nostalgia is one heck of a drug, so a couple colleagues and myself grabbed some masks and some shovels, then went off to the Berkeley County cemetery!”

After about 45 minutes of aggressive digging, what they discovered was something none of them could ever have imagined.

“When we popped the casket, and the dust cleared, we all immediately noticed the same thing: Smilin’ Bob’s skull had that patented grin on his face! It was pretty cool, I must say! It was a remarkable find…..Oh, we also noticed his corpse still had a throbbing erection as well,” Neldridge stated. “But how cool was it to have a TV icon right in front of our very own eyes?!”

The team decided to take it a bit further, really trying to get into the life of the man behind the boner.

“Since we had access to Bob’s corpse, which had been remarkably preserved due to the sheer amount of Enzyte that was in his body when he died,” a researcher said. “We thought, ‘the world needs to know the truth behind Bob’s death and that the story of him bleeding to death after a barbell from the prison weight room dropped on his perma-boner was all a myth! Because as we could see, it was all still there, and clearly still functioning even after being dead and buried for all those years.”

Enzyte is a thing of the past now, we’ll never really know how Smilin’ Bob left this mortal coil. Could it have been boner pill-related? Maybe he smiled at the wrong person while being locked up in federal prison? One thing we do know, is that Bob is still Smilin’ even in the grave, and so is his wife!

Wedding DJ Shocked to Learn Any Music Has Been Recorded After 1998

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ST. LOUIS — Local wedding DJ Ron “Mixmaster” McAllister was left in a state of utter bewilderment last Saturday after discovering that all music did not, in fact, cease to be produced after the year 1998, confirmed baffled sources.

“I was flabbergasted. I genuinely thought that the ‘Cha Cha Slide’ was the last song ever put down,” admitted McAllister, whose music collection truncates with Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from the “Armageddon” soundtrack. “Who are these Taylor Swift and Ice Spice people? I thought the music ended when it had peaked with Goo Goo Dolls, Whitney Houston, and Boyz II Men. I had no idea that people kept making new music after that. I mean, why would they when you already have Bryan Adams’ ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It for You’? You can’t go up from there.”

However, local newlyweds Jessica and Mike Stevens wanted to share their first dance to one of their favorite chart-toppers from the 2010s, which only confused McAllister.

“We asked if he could play our song ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran and [McAlister] just stared at us blankly. I mean, it’s a really popular song, people actually make fun of us for picking such a basic song,” said the bride, who burst into tears when McAllister played “The Chicken Dance.” “So we asked for ‘Get Lucky’ by Pharrell Williams, ‘Levitating’ by Dua Lipa, or anything by Post Malone or Chappell Roan. He didn’t even realize we were listing musicians. Christ, we would have even taken ‘Blurred Lines.’”

Dr. Christina Harmon, professor of Wedding Music Theory at Washington University, is quite familiar with this all too common phenomenon.

“Most wedding DJs are at least 20 years behind the curve of popular music. You can still hear ‘Macarena,’ ‘Achy Breaky Heart,’ and ‘YMCA’ at most weddings, as if nothing better has come out since. It might get the parent’s dancing, but newlyweds don’t want to hear it,” Dr. Harmon explained. “Most of these DJs got their start in the ’80s and ’90s and never updated their playlists. The result is an endless loop of ‘The Electric Slide,’ ‘Shout,’ and ‘Don’t Stop Believin.’ It’s as if these DJs are frozen in time, oblivious to the evolution of music past the days of ‘The Hokey Pokey’ and ‘Sweet Caroline.'”

As of press time, McAllister admits that he has fallen behind in the times and has announced that he will start investing in Compact Discs as a means to catch up with modern trends and has already added PSY’s “Gangnam Style” to his repertoire.

CIA A Little Insulted Venezuela Held Sham Election Without Them

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — The US State Department held an emergency press conference this morning expressing that it was honestly a little bit insulted that the CIA was not invited to participate in Venezuela’s allegedly rigged election, officials have confirmed.

“We’re not saying the Venezuelan government can’t pack the election commission with loyalists, it just would’ve been nice to be invited that’s all. Sure we tried to plot a coup to oust Maduro, but we said we’re sorry and those sanctions were just for show! But finding this all out from a Snapchat from Argentina about Maduro claiming victory before the votes were even counted was a dagger through the heart,” said CIA spokesperson Jeff Wallace. “Now the official U.S. response has to be about condemning the election’s ‘integrity and transparency’ and not because they never asked for weapons to squash the opposition.”

Venezuelan government officials stated that they are able to hold a sham election without the United States hovering over them.

“We love the CIA’s work, but they don’t have to be involved with every backdoor shadow government scheme in Latin America. It’s hard enough maintaining a vice-like grip on an election when half your country lives below poverty, but I think we learned enough from them over the past 40 years where we can fly on our own. We’re totally capable of deploying our own machine gun toting paramilitary loyalists to prevent opposition voters from protesting the results,” said Hector Cordero. “We appreciate their efforts to control the region, but President Maduro wants to prove to the world that his cabinet can be openly violent and corrupt all by itself.”

Historians noted that this break from letting the CIA interfere with an election was nothing short of historic.

“Manipulating elections is as American as apple pie, and as nefarious as that sounds the CIA has every right to feel like Maduro is being a backstabbing bitch. Not even a text like ‘hey, can you help us block an opposition party nomination and crush a former diplomat in this election?’ or anything,” said Margaret Furman. “Venezuela is acting like they’re too good for assistance from a resource hungry superpower in exchange for oil. It’s a little ungrateful if you ask me, and it’ll probably blow up in their faces when the inevitable coup arrives and the U.S. won’t help Maduro flee.”

As of press time, the CIA announced that in an act of retaliation, Venezuela would be sanctioned from attending the agency’s Christmas party.

Olympic Skateboarding Competition Interrupted by Irate Woman Who Says the Noise Is Scaring Her Dog

Posted on by Trevor Graham

PARIS — The Olympic men’s street skateboarding final was interrupted mid-competition by a visibly flustered woman who said the sounds were scaring her dog, sources who remember when skating was a lot cooler confirmed.

“All these kids need to stop what they’re doing here right now because it’s making way too much noise and it’s scaring Monsieur Bonbon!,” said Carine Buchard standing in the middle of the street course holding a small white dog. “These kids do not belong here. This is a nice neighborhood for real Olympic sports like gymnastics and water polo. This is not some place for these drug dealers to play. Can’t they go do their skateboarding tricks on a half-pike somewhere else?”

Although the woman’s actions delayed the competition, some of the skater athletes say they actually did not mind the interruption.

“Yeah, it honestly didn’t bother me to see that lady out there yelling at all of us. If anything it made it feel like a real skate session,” said skater Tom Schaar. “I’m from Malibu and I’ve been a little homesick since coming to Paris but having some lady in expensive athleisure wear holding a small dog telling me to go skate somewhere else really made me feel right at home. It really hit home when she pretended to cry and claimed we were attacking her.”

Olympic officials say the interruption has given them new insights into the world of skateboarding and that it may have been a blessing in disguise.

“After speaking with some of the athletes we have concluded that someone trying to stop these skateboarders’ fun is very authentic and true to the sport,” said Olympic official Donald Reeves. “We are looking to possibly add a ‘Karen evasion’ component to future competitions. We need to make sure this will not give an unfair advantage to Team USA however as those competitors may have vast experience trying to skate in uptight, entitled areas and will easily win that portion of the competition.”

At press time, Ms. Buchard was quoted as saying she is looking to call the local Parks Department after coming across “A bunch of mountain bikers doing some kind of a race on the trail I took my dog on.”

Classic Rock Station Plays All the Hits from Boston’s “More Than a Feeling” to Boston’s “Peace of Mind”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MILWAUKEE – Local FM classic rock station 104.7 WRFM proudly advertises its daily rotation of playing “all the hits” despite the fact that the hosts only play two songs on an endless loop, frustrated sources on their morning commutes confirmed.

“For over 40 years, Wisconsinites have been dialing in to get their daily dose of skull-crushing rock, which we always deliver with minimal commercial interruption,” said station D.J. Randy Mifflin. “We’re known for playing all the hits from the ‘70s and ‘80s, including Boston, to keep that head banging throughout your day. If you’re looking for something to satisfy your Boston itch, boy, have we got the stuff for you. Just be sure to turn the volume up to drown out your complaining neighbors. After all, this ain’t your grandpa’s radio station.”

Milwaukee resident Brett Murphy reacted with equal parts exasperation and frustration.

“I’ve completely given up on WRFM,” Murphy responded. “If I hear those opening acoustic chords to ‘Peace of Mind’ one more time I’m going to lose my fucking mind. I work in a garage that only has a radio, too, so it’s not like I can put on Spotify or anything. Their DJ even makes comments like ‘time to get the Led out!’ even though I’ve never even heard him play so much as ‘Black Dog.’ At this point I’ve switched to another station that only plays ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ and like, four songs by the Eagles.”

Broadcasting expert Keisha Brouchard commented on the impact of the disconnect between local radio stations and their listeners.

“People who still listen to FM radio withstand an unbelievable amount of repetition,” said Brouchard. “Whether it’s the constant barrage of shitty Twisted Tea commercials or the need to continuously spin ‘Crazy Train’ for whatever reason, stations are seemingly unaware that they are pushing their listeners to descend into madness. The human brain is only capable of enduring so much, and what we hear on FM radio isn’t all that different from actual torture when you think about it. In fact, the CIA can save itself time by just turning on a nearby radio in lieu of creating those torture playlists out of Drowning Pool songs and the Meow Mix theme.”

At press time, WRFM announced it would be expanding its catalog by playing the first 15 seconds of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” three times every hour.