How I Got Over My Ex by Getting Back Together With Him

Posted on by Claire Alexander

Breakups are tough. There are plenty of websites that give reasonable advice about how to get over your ex, but being reasonable is boring. Life is about passion, making mistakes, and seemingly never learning from those mistakes to the point where you alienate all your best friends with your terrible decisions.

Ryan and I met at leaving our local police station, he was there for violating a restraining order, I was there for starting a fight with a woman that dated my high school boyfriend 10 years after we broke up. Ryan and I had an instant connection. While waiting for separate Ubers, I asked him for a cigarette, but he declined, he thoughtfully offered to sell one to me for $5. We hooked up for four years until his roommate kicked him out for always leaving the faucet running, and he moved in with me as my boyfriend.

Our breakup devastated me. When he moved out and into his car, I had no idea what to do with all the time I used to spend doing his laundry. I completely fell apart and my diet consisted of flavor-blasted Goldfish; I was turning into the slob he always had been. After a month, I decided the best way to get over him was to get back together. Here’s what worked for me to move forward most effectively:

Step 1: Unblock his number.

I know what you’re thinking “He’s blocked for a reason!” And that reason is because you are starving yourself of what’s truly good for you. Re-add him to your contacts, and open your heart to love. Text him things like “what up?” and “feeling a bit lonely if ur around” just to set a baseline.

Step 2: Reach out to him.

He might have given up on you post-breakup, so it’s your responsibility to break the ice. He may even ask, “Who is this?” it’s because he’s so hurt he doesn’t recognize who you’ve become. Remind him by sending a few photos that you wouldn’t want anyone else to see, what could go wrong?

Step 3: Apologize for catching him cheating.

Yes, he gave oral to your aunt at your family’s Labor Day party- but really, it was rude of you to open the bathroom door without knocking. Thanks to you, your aunt didn’t even get to finish. Also, it’s not lost on me that he was giving oral. If that’s not a good guy, then I don’t know what is.

Step 4: Make sure he’s available.

When he’s asleep in his car parked outside your house, take his phone and delete your whore aunt’s number. Also, slash his tires. Where’s he gonna go? This way his schedule is clear and he will have enough space in his heart for you.

Step 5: Last but not least, cut off all of your friends.

This is the hardest step of all, but it’s the most necessary as they are the ones who remember how he stole your identity for a new driver’s license that one time- they’ll only fight against your happiness. It’s tough, but if you want to get over what you’re feeling now, you’ll have to eliminate the haters.

Overall, breakups are truly some of the worst pain known to man that everyone can relate to. So why experience it?

Party Guests Endure 30-Minute Wait for Drinks from Friend Who Just Got Into Cocktail Making

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOUISVILLE, Ky.. — Guests at local man Ricky Ellis’ house party endured an agonizing 30-minute wait for eccentric cocktails from their overenthusiastic host who has just taken up cocktail making, annoyed sources report.

“I spent over $300 on bitters, shakers, muddlers, zesters, ice molds, channel knives, pour spouts, jiggers, Aperol, Orgeat, and Curaçao. I even bought a vintage absinthe spoon! This is serious business,” said Ellis as he meticulously measured out the obscure ingredients. “I’ve got a bottle of homemade Celery Shrub that I swear by, a rare batch of Tincture of Orange Blossom, and a jar of Maple Syrup from an artisanal distillery in Vermont that I then smoked myself with a smoking gun. And let’s not forget the Branca Menta, which I had to order from Italy and the Scandinavian Akvavit. Trust me, it is worth the wait.”

Ellis’ friends, however, were less thrilled about his newfound passion.

“We want to be supportive, we really do,” said former roommate Sarah Mitchell, tapping her foot impatiently. “But we’ve been waiting for half an hour, and all we hear from the kitchen is clinking, glass breaking, and a lot of swearing. He already ran to the store for grenadine and fresh basil leaves, which he insists is necessary to make something called a Verdant Whisper. He didn’t even put out snacks or water for us while we waited because it would ruin our palate. He burnt himself pretty bad when he tried to flame a citrus peel. And I mean, come on, does that really do anything? He also put on a playlist he made to match the atmosphere and it’s like weird, Parisian lounge music from the 1950s.”

Dr. Jenna Brooks, PhD, a social psychologist and professor of bartending at University of Louisville, weighed in on the situation.

“There’s a thin line between supporting a friend’s new hobby and getting fed up with them,” Dr. Brooks explained. “It’s wonderful to see loved ones pursuing their passions, but when it starts to interfere with the enjoyment of others, tensions can rise quickly. The novelty of waiting for a craft cocktail wears off pretty fast when you’re parched and just want a simple beer. We’ve noticed the same thing happening with people who are getting into cooking because of shows like ‘The Bear.’ Their friends are forced to suffer through the wait of someone attempting to sous vide a duck breast for six hours.”

As of press time, after an hour and three failed attempts, Ellis presented his elixir to his friend who gulped it down in three sips and stated it tasted like “an overused library book” and “rainwater strained through cemetery dirt.”

Six Songs We Listened To This Week After Raygun Apologized To The Breakdancing Community and We Could Finally Relax

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Well folks, it’s been another week in a seemingly endless cycle of weeks. Like Sysiphus and his rock, you’ve done meaningless tasks that seem to generate even more meaningless tasks. It’s time to take a break from the hustle and bustle and focus on what matters: tricking your streaming service algorithm into auto-playing new and relevant music to dazzle your friends on drives and at parties. Here are six brand new songs that will hopefully make the bots think you actually care about current trends in music and art.

Pinhead Gunpowder “Unt”

Billie Joe Armstrong’s longtime side project, Pinhead Gunpowder, released their first and only proper full length album nearly thirty years ago. Other than a handful of EPs, we’re not sure what Armstrong has been doing the last few decades. It seems that he’s finally come to his senses, though. That’s right, Pinhead Gunpowder is back. Their latest single and title track to their forthcoming album ‘Unt’ is bare bones power pop that will make you long for the days you could skate without your knee making that weird noise.

Genital Shame “Out of My Hands”

Pittsburgh’s Genital Shame – the solo project of super-shredder and multi-instrumentalist Erin Dawson – just released a new EP. As is true on previous releases, ‘As Good As A Kiss’ is a confounding listen that pushes the boundaries of black metal while practically redefining the genre in its entirety. It’s hard to imagine such a sonic assault – we mean that as a compliment – being produced by just one person, but Dawson has done it and we hope she never stops.

Video Age “Record Shop”

New Orlean’s Video Age has been crafting delicate and dreamy indie-pop since their formation in 2016. Their West Coast meets the South sound pairs well with attempting to smile for once and pretending nothing scary is ever happening in the world. Their latest track, an innocent ode to crate digging entitled ‘Record Shop,’ will help you accomplish both for three of the most pleasant minutes of your week.

MJ Lenderman “On My Knees”

MJ Lenderman’s highly anticipated album ‘Manning Fireworks’ is finally here. While Lenderman cranks the gain in his breakout project Wednesday, his solo material leans heavier into the more pensive Americana infused side of the indie rock realm. Album highlight ‘On My Knees’ splits the difference well but the entire record will have you itching to pick up your guitar for five minutes before getting frustrated with yourself again.

Ethel Cain “For Sure (American Football cover)”

Like most nerds, we often find ourselves wishing our favorite American Football songs would never end. No one can promise forever, but Ethel Cain has the next best thing. Recorded for the 25th anniversary of American Football’s eponymous debut, the experimental artist’s dreamy-as-fuck version of ‘For Sure’ clocks in at nearly 10 minutes, which may as well be an eternity considering modern attention spans.

Soft Kill “Circles (Dag Nasty cover)”

Portland post-punk quartet Soft Kill have been operating at a dizzying clip recently, and it seems they are physically incapable of not releasing music. While this kind of output could yield inconsistent results for a lesser band, Soft Kill has offered nothing but gold. Their latest EP, ‘Roseland,’ comes in at the heels of this year’s excellent LP ‘Escape Forever.’ Its three tracks encapsulates the band’s growth over the years, and the Dag Nasty cover is a nice finishing touch.

Because we know you’re too despondent to do it yourself, we’ve compiled these and several other questionable tunes into a playlist for you. It’s literally the least we could do. Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you’re a tastemaker in the world of punk, indie, hardcore and metal.

Rookie Mistake! You Laughed At One of His Jokes and He Responded “Can I Kiss You?”

Posted on by Rachel Hein

So you laughed, huh? You screwed the pooch. You got too comfortable, let your guard down for just a moment, and you looked him in the eye, with your big, sparkling, beautiful eyes, and laughed at his wisecrack. And look. what. happened. He reminded you exactly why you should never ever do that by immediately asking if he could kiss you. Come on, you’re better than that. Take a moment to think about what you did, where you went wrong, and the dangers of laughing at their jokes.

Sources nearby told us they saw it coming from a mile away. “It was after a work event. She was wearing heels, and it was the end of the night so her feet hurt. He said he’d switch shoes with her but only if she was prepared for his catwalk strut… or some shit. I think it was a combination of the relief from the social anxiety and a silly fashion joke that put her at ease. When I heard her laugh, I thought ‘oh no…’”

Another female bystander added, “Yeah, you really can’t make those kind of errors. Especially so late in the game. He lit up, his entire disposition changed. It was like the laugh was a red mushroom in Super Mario Bros that made him physically stronger, more powerful, brazen…”

Promptly came those four words like loaded pistols, “Can I kiss you?” Even after your graceful and compassionate rebuff, preserving what you could of his dignity, he still shot back with, “Can I at least get a hug?” “That’s when I had to look away,” the bystander added, just shaking her head.

There are plenty of things that can cloud your judgment and make you think it’s safe to laugh in the company of a man. A man in your yoga class, a man who dated your sister, a man with long well-kept fingernails, a man who’s working on himself in therapy, a man who generously gave you a ride home one time, or a man who noticed you cut your hair seven inches, just to name a few. There are also no safe locations. Just because you’re at your dad’s funeral doesn’t mean it’s safe to express any emotion that could be taken as romantic interest. You must stay vigilant and make no exceptions.

Though rare, it’s important to remember men can be funny. There are instances when the thing you laughed at was actually genuinely comical. In which case your diaphragm contracting is not a careless blunder from nerves and anxiety, pity, courtesy, exhaustion, fear, embarrassment, or weaponized charm… It’s a real, true undeniable, uncontrollable paroxysmal response. For cases like these, the only options are denial and death.

Rhino XXL Male Enhancement Pills Secret Recipe Only Known By Two VIPs That Can’t Travel Together

Posted on by Matt Husser

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Protectors of the Rhino XXL Male Enhancement Pills recipe have reportedly been prohibited from traveling together in case disaster befell the two VIPs entrusted with the secret gas station boner pill formula, protected sources have confirmed.

“Across this great nation, millions of hardworking, limp-dicked Americans rely on Rhino XXL pills to overcome their whisky wiener when their missus gets a little frisky after the casino. I take that responsibility very seriously, as well as the oath I swore to protect this secret recipe of 13 exotic herbs and animal powders,” said the Rhino XXL VIP, who goes by the codename ”Rooster.” “That’s why me and ‘Cobra’ are never allowed to travel in the same vehicle, or even come within 10 square miles of each other. If both of us were to die in an accident, the Rhino XXL formula would be lost, Chevron stations would run dry, and thousands of mighty members would fall with us.”

Rhino XXL Head of Security Dale Quincy revealed a series of rigorous protocols were in place to guarantee the integrity of the male enhancement pill’s secret recipe.

“It’s my job to ensure nothing happens to our VIPs, and that’s why our rock solid security system is tighter than a gator’s ass in a hurricane,” said Quincy, scanning his retina to enter the secure command center nicknamed ”The Rhino’s Horn.” “The Horn is where we monitor our VIPs, tracking everything from their vital signs to current GPS location. If the unthinkable should ever happen and we lost the secret recipe, well, let’s just say that the American flag wouldn’t be the only thing in this country flying at half mast. I just pray that the day I have to call in ‘Code Blue Balls’ never comes.”

The secrecy around the recipe is reportedly so rigid that even CEO Bert Trowell has been left in the dark for his own safety.

“Our male enhancement pills make up the front bone of this country, and I’m far too much of a public figure to be trusted with such a vital recipe. I travel everywhere from Tijuana to Indianapolis on business, and if I was kidnapped by a Mexican cartel or a Juggalo gang I could be tortured until I gave up the secret,” said Trowell, lighting an enormous cigar. “Thankfully our company’s founder, Drew Peacock, had the foresight to install this VIP system when he pioneered the company back in the 1800s. We’ve had a few close calls over the years, but his innovative vision has helped maintain the integrity of our manhood medicine and ensure that generations of road-weary travelers can continue to get up and ‘keep on truckin’ in hourly motel rooms.”

Rival companies have reportedly spent millions in research and development to try to reverse engineer the Rhino XXL formula, with the closest attempt resulting in the original Four Loko recipe.

Stolen Valor? This Guy Got His Marlboro Windbreaker From a Vintage Store and Not From Smoking Cigarettes

Posted on by Ben Friedman

We used to be a proper country, one with dignity and appreciation for the sacrifices people made in order to make it great. There was once a time when men and women would burn through cartons of Marlboro cigarettes every month in order to mail them in for a sweet red and white windbreaker. It was worn as a badge of honor.

That was until yesterday when I had the unfortunate experience of interacting with an uncultured 23-year-old who was wearing a Marlboro jacket he obtained from a vintage store, and not from smoking copious amounts of cigarettes.

“I love the 90’s aesthetic, and the colors are cool. Wasn’t Marlboro also a NASCAR thing? It’s just a good jacket for chilling on the patio in the fall. I was on the fence between this and a Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket, but this one didn’t smell like a wet basement. But $35 isn’t too bad for a vintage piece like this.”

This unrepentant rube thinks it’s only worth $35? This is a hard-earned badge of honor that came at the expense of someone’s personal well-being! It’s beyond egregious that this young man thinks he could walk into a second hand store and stand on the shoulders of giants. If the owner of this jacket is still alive, he’d likely be throwing a fit through his oxygen mask.

Does he understand the sacrifice it took to accrue that many Marlboro points to obtain that jacket originally? It sure as hell wasn’t through ripping strawberry vapes like I assume he does. Jesus, it was like looking at someone eating Arby’s in a tuxedo.

“Is it really that terrible to only wear something old just because it’s cool? I didn’t know I was supposed to do all this work beforehand but whatever. I probably should’ve bought that camouflage Camel hat instead.”

Honestly, the biggest issue I have is with whoever was selling this windbreaker in the first place. It’s unconscionable that someone would allow another person to cosplay as one’s chronically ill deadbeat uncle because it’s a “vibe”.

I just hope this kid’s parents have enough good sense to make him smoke enough Marlboro Reds to realize tobacco-based paraphernalia is earned by either grinding out enough packs to earn it or inheriting it from a relative who died from lung cancer, the way nature intended.

Country Musician Put Out of Work by AI Capable of Boot Licking Ten Times Faster

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Up-and-coming country music singer Johnny “Slim” Wilkins saw his dreams of stardom crushed after finding out he was being replaced by an AI songwriter capable of creating bootlicking ballads ten times faster, industry insiders have confirmed.

“I can’t believe I spent seven goddamn years grinding and clawing my way to the top just to be replaced by dang robot mashin’ up words together. Blindly lionizing our boys in blue has been the cornerstone of country music since 2001 and if that’s taken away from us, who the hell is gonna play the county fairs and Ford dealership openings of our great nation?” said a solemn Wilkins as he readjusted his custom-made MAGA cowboy hat. “My dream of opening for a Trump rally in Branson is completely crushed. I may not be able to crank out 20 songs a minute about rounding up and arresting liberals, but I need to put food on the table.”

Label executives who greenlit the creation of the AI model said this was the best course of action for their bottom line.

“We make money hand over fist from our artists pandering to southern suburbanites, but we realized profits could be tripled if we didn’t have to pay songwriters anything, so we created an AI model to write bootlicking anthems in-house. Modern country artists are indistinguishable from each other, so we just entered all their music into a program which regurgitates it into three-minute mid-tempo nationalist ballads within seconds,” said Micah Keller. “Plus, there’s no risk of an AI getting drunk and falling off stages, going on racist rants, or endorsing a Democrat. I understand Slim is upset about being dropped, but so far, listeners literally can’t tell the difference.”

While artists were up in arms over the industry-disrupting changes, some country music venue owners welcomed it.

“Honestly, this is great. I’m so tired of having to listen to these clowns come into my bar tripping over themselves to sing about how they want to blow cops. Now that it’s being outsourced to a machine, we might finally see the bulk of country music get back to its roots of class solidarity and lawbreaking,” said Herb Jenkins. “I think a lot of us would kill to see another John Prine or Merle Haggard walk in here and regale the audience with songs written above the 1st-grade level.”

As of press time, the label was forced to pause the AI songwriter after it wouldn’t stop saying the N-word over and over.

Avoidant Attachment Style? This Man Just Blocked My Phone Number

Posted on by Dom Turek

You don’t need a degree in clinical psychology to diagnose someone. How do I know this? I’ve been diagnosing my friends, family members, and potential lovers with mental disorders for years while refusing to address my own emotional state – and that’s what we call selflessness.

As luck would have it, this is the sixth emotionally avoidant man I’ve dated in less than three months. The second I try to establish any kind of intimacy with someone by suggesting a weekly date night or reminding them that my biological clock is ticking and I only have about 20,000 fertile eggs left, they start to pull away. You can’t take it personally, though.

Avoidant people are hard-wired to shun emotional closeness and dismiss the importance of intimate relationships due to early childhood neglect or trauma. The point I’m trying to make is that when a man blocks your phone number, it means he’s starting to like you so much that it scares him, which is why I was ecstatic to find out I’ve been blocked by my most recent date on at least three different modes of communication.

The avoidant attachment in your life might say things like, “I need some space right now,” “I genuinely don’t feel a connection with you,” or “Please, leave me alone, I’m married,” but these are all indicators that he is falling for you HARD and secretly wants to be pursued. For people with a firm grasp on reality and a secure attachment style, like myself, this seemingly never-ending game of cat and mouse can be exhausting, but true love is worth it in the end.

Relationships require hard work and persistence, which is the message of one of my favorite romantic comedies, “Fatal Attraction.” If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a no-nonsense woman who goes above and beyond to court a man she meets at a work function. She pursues this whirlwind romance even when he’s being a little bitch and all the cards are stacked against them. I forget how it ends, but I think it’s one of those sappy happily-ever-after movies.

As for my own “happily ever after,” I’m not sure what Cupid has in store for me and my latest suitor, but the fact he even blocked me on Venmo makes me think he might be “the one.”

‘Check Engine’ Only Light in Woman’s Life

Posted on by Tim Sheard

BATON ROUGE, La. — Local woman Georgia Luenette was stunned to notice that, aside from the ‘Check Engine’ light flashing on her car, she had nothing else going on in her sad existence, sources confirmed amidst half-hearted offerings of ‘there there…’ and ‘chin up!”

“At the risk of sounding far too vulnerable, I really don’t have too much going on in my life that drags me out of bed in the morning. But, when I get behind the wheel of my pre-owned Kia Rio, and that little ‘Check Engine’ icon lights up like a beacon from heaven, I know I’ve got something on the horizon,” confessed the public middle school teacher. “It may not be much, but it’s everything to me…just as long as the car doesn’t blow up before I actually get around to taking it into the shop.”

Mechanics in the area have begun theorizing when and if Luenette will ever actually address the light’s meaning.

“Seems to me that having a vehicle in perfect working order, especially one as crummy looking as the heap she’s driving around in, might be worth more to one’s peace of mind than a blinking light in your dashboard. But, hey, I’m just some guy.” said “Muffler Manor” owner Ivan Quinn, while slinging a greasy rag into a nearby hamper. “Whatever brings you joy. I personally have a lot to live for, but I’m an empathetic sort, so I understand. If her carburetor gives out on her and she goes hurtling over a cliff, at least she’ll be smiling, right? That’s about all we can ask for.”

Mental health professionals offered their official diagnosis while trying not to seem judgemental.

“Well, there’s no way to force someone to find more meaning in the good things they’ve got going but can’t seem to see. In this person’s case, the fact that she’s an educator should bring her some element of civic pride,” said Dr. Helen Buchwalden, from her Louisiana offices. “But, then again, as a mother of two 13-year-old twin boys, I know how stressful that can be. In fact, between you and me, I’ve been taking the long way home from work in order to leave my partner in charge of them for just a few precious moments longer, so I can be alone with my thoughts…and the ‘check engine’ light of my own.”

At press time, Luenette was seen tampering with her own vehicle, in vain hopes of getting more notifications and alarms going on her car.

Opinion: I’m The Drunkest Patron In This Bathroom Line So I Should Get To Pee First

Posted on by Amy Currul

It’s been a long night of drinking, meaning we have inevitably reached the point where my bladder has caught up to my mouth/stomach, and I am now facing the consequences of my actions.

In short: I need to pee.

The problem is, I am far too drunk to patiently wait in a bar bathroom line. Since I decided to consume more alcohol than humanly possible I feel it is my right to blast my way to the front of the line while hurling insults at every single one of you waiting patiently for your turn. If you wanted to be first, you should have tried drinking a little more, but we all know you are too chickenshit for something like that, admit it. Also, I’m so wasted that I’m ready to become violent at any second, and I just bought a new can of bear spray, so try stopping me.

It should be a need-based system – these other people are having a pleasant chat or watching their ex’s Instagram story or just standing silently, so clearly don’t need to pee THAT badly. Me, on the other hand, who can’t shut the fuck up and is about four seconds away from going full “WASP classroom parent” on their asses? They should feel lucky they’re dealing with me instead of Susan. She’d be running this place like the Navy, same way she ran my kindergarten classroom and also my life.

And just what is up with these people! Why are they fine waiting in such a long line? They must not be having a very exciting night, otherwise they’d be trying to hustle out of here too to get back upstairs where the real action is. I personally had my eye on a cute bartender and I’d love to get back to seducing her, if I can ever get out of this godforsaken line. It would be much more satisfying if the reason I had to steal my roommate’s UTI medication was because “I had sex with a hot bartender” and not because “I had to wait in a very long bar bathroom line.”

Allowing me to pee first is good for the community, it’s good for the sex I’m aspiring to have later, and it’s good for America. Also if you don’t, I might “accidentally” set your car on fire, don’t believe me? Check the police report for all the recent automobile arson activity. That’s me.

Oh and don’t worry, I will use the last of the toilet paper and not tell the person going into the stall behind me. I’m the drunkest person in this line, what did you expect?