Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Breaking: Millions of Americans Google “What Does Indictment Mean?”

Posted on March 31, 2023 by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — A Manhattan grand jury voted to indict Donald Trump on over 30 charges which forced millions of Americans to google “what does indictment mean?” according to sources at Google headquarters who never saw so much immediate traffic.

“I was on the subway when news of Trump’s indictment broke. Everyone on the train started cheering and saying ‘they got him, they finally got him,’ and ‘lock up the Cheeto,’ it was really funny. I love New York,” said local investment banker Andrew Klein. “Then I realized I don’t actually know what ‘indicted’ means. I looked it up and it’s not really the same as being arrested, but I think he could be arrested if he doesn’t turn himself in. It’s still a little fuzzy to me, but they got him.”

Shelly Brown was in the middle of happy hour with friends when she got the news.

“I screamed, ‘Finally! It happened!… I think!’ My best girl Morgan (Lewendeck) stopped and was asked ‘ok, so what now?’ and then we all say there in silence for the next 25 minutes as we tried to figure it out,” said Brown while listening to another podcast on the topic in hopes of understanding what is happening. “To be totally honest with you, I’m still a little confused. I think the biggest thing I learned is that a lot of the more reputable news outlets are behind paywalls these days. I had to get my info from a lot of sites that advertised tactical gear and dry goods.”

Google’s CEO Sundar Pichai confirmed an 89% increase in traffic for searches that included various misspellings of “indictment.”

“These numbers are unprecedented. The last time we saw this sort of traffic was when people tried to figure out if they should like or dislike Edward Snowden. We are just happy that our platform can assist millions of Americans to double-check they totally understood what was going on while showing them targeted products from their favorite retailers,” said Pichai. “We hope to have a similar bump as soon as Trump is arraigned because I’m honestly not entirely sure what that means either.”

At press time, Trump’s legal team was preparing an animated slideshow to explain to the former President what being indicted means.

Every AJJ Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on March 31, 2023 by James Knapp

AJJ’s new album “Disposable Everything” is set to be released May 2023. Before that happens, we here at The Hard Times have decided to actually get off our fat asses and rank every AJJ record so far, and with the help of several therapists, we were finally able to get through all of them. Here is our definitive ranking.

7. Can’t Maintain (2009)

I’ll be honest, I completely forgot that this record exists. I mean, it has some good songs on it – like, it’s not a bad album overall. It’s just kind of forgettable, especially when you put it up against more developed AJJ records. But in any case, you can thank this review for reminding you as well that “Can’t Maintain” is a thing which you can still listen to.

Play it again: “Self Esteem”
Skip it: “Kazoo Sonata in Cmaj”

6. Knife Man (2011)

“Knife Man” probably shouldn’t be this low on the list, but this band has a lot of really great albums and also a couple dumb albums that I mostly need to use as examples for other shit. So there you have – good record, shit ranking.

Play it again: “Distance”
Skip it: “No One”

5. Candy Cigarettes & Cap Guns (2005)

Look, I know, I know. There’s a lot from this record that does not hold up. And yeah, I’m sure I’m gonna get a whole assload of comments about how they “could never make this record nowadays.” Which is kinda my point. Sometimes you gotta start out writing funny songs about a serial lady killer before you can work your way into that grand concept record about the alien who has a coke problem, or whatever your thing is.

Play it again: “Love Song”
Skip it: “Dylan Cook’s Theme Song”

4. Good Luck Everybody (2020)

We all had to figure out how to cope with Trump’s presidency in our own ways. This record was AJJ’s. It is also one of the weirder albums in AJJ’s discography, which is really saying something when you take into account that the band actually made and sold salad gloves as merch.

Play it again: “Loudmouth”
Skip it: “No Justice, No Peace, No Hope”

3. The Bible 2 (2016)

Anybody else listen to this record for the first time and immediately think “you know what, I did have a pretty fucked up childhood. How about that?” Yeah, “The Bible 2” is great for that. Just try listening to it at home first, because if you play it while driving your car on the way to get it inspected then everyone at Jiffy Lube is gonna wonder why you’re crying so much.

Play it again: “No More Shame, No More Fear, No More Dread”
Skip it: “Small Red Boy”

2. Christmas Island (2014)

Much like the actual Christmas Island, which hosts an annual migration of tens of millions of red crabs to sea to spawn, this album requires no explanation as to its greatness. “Christmas Island” (the album, not the island) is a sonic landmass that is being swarmed by crustaceans. Can you hear it? It sounds clackity.

Play it again: “Kokopelli Face Tattoo”
Skip it: “Deathlessness”

1. People Who Can Eat People Are the Luckiest People In the World (2007)

If you put Woody Guthrie, Barbara Streisand and Simon & Garfunkel in a blender you would likely end up with exactly this album. That’s not a metaphor by the way – if you took an actual blender and mutilated those three artists and also Garfunkel then the resulting viscera would equate to this album. Brutal, catchy, and with a heavy flavor of Marlboro Lights, this is the best AJJ album of all time.

Play it again: “People II: The Reckoning”
Skip it: “Bells & Whistles”

Phish Fan Puts Crates of Winter Sandals Back in Storage

Posted on March 31, 2023 by Chris Bratton

DENVER – Self-employed Phish superfan Dan Flanders was spotted at a local storage facility lugging large sandal filled wooden crates from his van and into his rented unit, bystanders report.

“Spring is upon us! I no longer need my snow sandals with the boot bottoms and the closed toe, or the fleece lined Birks I got at Red Rocks. At this point in the year, I want people at the grocery store to think, ‘whoa, that’s a lot of foot,’” Flanders said while gesturing emphatically to his crate and pointing out additional items to store. “This is a special balaclava that keeps my dreads safe from cracking, and this is a baja pullover lined with wool from Nepal. Listen, my house is filled with ten roommates, four dogs, two cats, and one room is just for frisbees and hand percussion instruments. That’s why I gotta rent this unit and 90% of its contents are clothing.”

Rebecca Gladwell, Operations Manager of the Storage Castle, says a large percentage of her business is renting units to jam band fanatics.

“Flanders is a regular, and one of the few people who’s mountain of weird footwear doesn’t make the entire lot smell like incense being lit in somebody’s armpit. I wish Tom’s of Maine would take making hygienic products seriously,” Gladwell sighed. “Being near the classic jam band cities is tough. Every night I walk the property and bang the doors, and every night some kid in tie-dye yells ‘harsh’ even though it’s rule numero uno to not sleep in there. Whenever it’s time for rent collection, they always try to barter homemade hemp necklaces or some sort of lentil stew. It’s just not allowed.”

An attorney for Birkenstock, Jack Adams, had a warning for those looking to wear sandals in colder climates.

“Birkenstock is not now, nor ever, culpable for any frostbite suffered from wearing our products outside of a Phish, Dispatch or Dead and Company concert in October through March,” Adams said while tapping a printed-out legal notice. “If you are selling one hitters outside a show in Michigan during December, it is your responsibility to wear something that covers the entire foot, something that could be worn with socks and tightened by laces. Don’t even think about sending us your Urgent Care bill. We will obliterate you.”

Upon hearing of a new van commune in Arizona, Flanders decided to trade the keys to his unit to some guy named Sunflower for directions there, a barrel filled with puka shells, and room temperature Amy’s vegan breakfast burrito.

Dad At Basement Show Noticing All Sorts of Issues Hosts Are Gonna Have If They Don’t Update Plumbing Soon

Posted on March 31, 2023 by James Knapp

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local dad Grant Mumby recently attended a house show where he noticed a litany of infrastructure problems for which he would be happy to recommend a good contractor, sources who definitely weren’t paying attention to the opening band confirmed.

“I was having a nice evening organizing my workbench when I saw a bunch of punkers loading their axes into the run-down house next door, I thought this would be a great opportunity to see some live music and meet the neighbors, I’ve always been a big fan of live music, but haven’t been able to get out as much since Megan was born,” said Mumby while rushing home to grab a tape measurer. “But when I got down in that cellar, oh boy, it was nothing but galvanized pipe that looked like a stiff wind would make it break apart. I tried to point out several areas of concern to the young man in charge and he kept asking if I was a cop.”

Neighbor and show host Dave “Four Remaining Teeth” Verbinski disagreed with Mumby’s assessment that his basement had the “worst water situation [Mumby] has seen since the Navy.”

“We host shows almost every week and that dude was the first one to complain about the leaky pipes. He spent 35 minutes showing me a catalog of PVC fittings and then told me it looked like the water heater could explode at any minute, the dude needs to relax,” gurgled Verbinski. “Just because the toilet empties directly into the rain gutter and occasionally the kitchen sink catches fire don’t mean nothing’s wrong with our plumbing. I’ve lived under collapsed railroad bridges, I can handle a leak here or there.”

Master plumber Merle Griffords detailed the recent rise in house show-related plumbing emergencies.

“Yeah, I get called out to punk shows probably three to four times a week. Usually it’s an easy fix, like someone tried to hang from one of the pipes and bent the heck out of it. But occasionally you get thrown a curveball like the time that kid got his devilock stuck in the bathtub drain,” regaled Griffords. “But nowadays, before I even head out on a call, I make sure to get show attendance numbers beforehand. If I’m only getting paid twenty percent of the door to head out there then it better be a good fucking show.”

At press time, Mumby was further shocked to see showgoers discarding their cigarette butts wherever they pleased rather than in the proper smoking refuse receptacle.

Crap! We Were Supposed To Review This New Restaurant but We Filled Up on Bread

Posted on March 31, 2023 by Ben Friedman

The Roux Kitchen is the latest endeavor by renowned French celebrity chef Claude Tremblay and is one of the hottest fusion restaurants in the city. Located in what was once a dilapidated rubber factory, Tremblay hopes to entice eager diners with a one-of-a-kind tasting experience.

And as one of the lucky few to experience the soft opening, I can safely say that I really wished I hadn’t filled up on all their free bread before this $500 meal.

Mind you, getting a reservation for this place was next to impossible. I had to pay a guy $70 on Craigslist to take his spot so I could review this place. I don’t think my editor is going to reimburse me for that.

I mean the bread was so damn good! It must have come out of the oven like five seconds before it hit the table. Before I knew it I’d been through three loaves, but the show must go on.

First I ordered ground pork jiaozi. Each dumpling felt like a soldier trying to flashbang their way into my carb fortified stomach. The perfectly complimenting soy and ginger dipping sauce is making them go down easier. Perhaps a second wind was in my future!

Next, I scoured the menu for anything that wouldn’t make me burst like a bloated dick. I settled on the duck cabbage salad, which was served to me in a bowl as big as my head. How did I forget this place serves everything family style? My taste buds were telling me “this is immaculate,” but my stomach was telling my brain “Danger: intestinal blockage immenant.”

I tried to throw up in the bathroom, twice, but the attendant seemed like the judgemental type and I chickened out. Besides, puking your guts out in a Michelin-star chef’s restaurant isn’t a good look. With every burp, all I taste is artisanal sourdough and I began to wonder if I could force my body to throw up in small portions under the table.

Finally, for dessert I chose the salted caramel pie because if I don’t finish this write up I’ll be sent back to reviewing mosh pits. I’m sure someone who didn’t ingest nine sandwiches worth of bread would find it a delectable palette cleanser. Every bite was agony.

In summation, I am three seconds away from blowing chunks all over the maître d’ and I want to die. Though the bread is free, it will cost your dignity and sanity. Still, it beats Olive Garden.

3 stars out of 5.

Confederate Flag To Be Digitally Replaced With Punisher Skull in “Dukes of Hazzard” Reruns

Posted on March 31, 2023 by Tim Graham

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Country Music Television finally gave in to public pressure and agreed to omit the Confederate flag from future airings of the “Dukes of Hazzard,” replacing it with the Punisher skull, according to sources within the network.

“Gee, sorry, I guess our heritage is like, ‘problematic’ or whatever,” said CMT Chief Content Officer Dylan Abernathy, while forming exaggerated air quotes. “We found ourselves in a pickle where we needed to keep running the Duke boys, but our parent company wouldn’t allow us to fly the stars and bars anymore. We needed to replace it with a symbol that would allow for a smooth transition and wouldn’t upset our key demo. I mean, if the fans start saying Dukes is ‘woke,’ well, we’re finished. I just couldn’t crack it—but all of a sudden, inspiration struck while I was browsing Truth Social. The Punisher skull with a blue line. Because nothing says ‘blue lives matter’ like two rebel moonshiners running from the police.”

Dukes mega-fan Earl F. Gacy was initially angered by the change but soon came around.

“You’re damned right I was pissed off. I’ve based my entire heritage on those three and a half years the Confederacy existed. But then, I watched an episode with the Punisher skull on the General Lee, and it gave me a newfound sense of purpose. It made me want to go back to 2020 so I could fight the guy at Costco that made me wear a mask,” said Gacy while field-dressing a wild squirrel. “Besides, maybe it’s time we move forward and embrace some new iconography that really captures the spirit of true patriots. The Punisher skull really is basically just a modern Confederate flag, only with the implicit threat of extrajudicial violence.”

Southern Poverty Law Center spokesperson Hester Fleisch wasn’t pleased to learn of the change.

“Why didn’t they just digitally paint out the flag with orange, or replace it with the actual American flag? Swapping one hate symbol for another is simply a cynical, disingenuous lateral move. It’s not progress,” said an exasperated Fleisch. “There was a similar case recently when the Cleveland Indians proposed replacing their offensive Chief Wahoo mascot with Pepe the Frog. Of course, they walked it back after public outcry, but the fact that they went as far as they did speaks to the apathy and ignorance of corporate America.”

At press time, Marvel announced that due to growing negative associations with the skull logo, the Punisher will be wearing a nice argyle sweater in future comics.

Tom Waits Pumps up Crowd by Shooting “Tattered Overalls and Busted Top Hat” Cannon

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

HARTFORD, Conn. — Acclaimed showman Tom Waits reportedly revved up his audience at a rare live gig by shooting off a custom “Tattered Overalls and Busted Top Hat” cannon into the upper decks of the crowd, astonished sources confirmed.

“Well now, I had just finished a ‘Rain Dogs’ medley, which usually gets the audience frothing at the mouth, y’know? But this crowd was more docile than a pack of hyenas on opposite day, so I knew I had to bring out the big guns, so to speak,” growled Waits, with a sly grin that was as menacing as it was comforting. “I had this t-shirt cannon modified to fit my particular fanbase’s needs. I blasted out a few pairs of overalls worn by dust farmers in the midwest and some busted top hats I stole from a haunted carnival, and got them hootin’…and after a few more? They were sure enough hollerin’ as well.”

Concertgoers were decidedly ecstatic about the cannon, although some injuries were inevitable.

“When Tom started blasting off that cannon, I knew I just had to make myself a prime target,” whimpered a bandaged Harland Hellur, a self-described Tom Waits superfan. “Well, in true Waitsian fashion, those overalls had a mess of rusty switchblades in the pockets of ‘em, and I got two or three sliced right across the ol’ jugular. I couldn’t be happier to leave a concert riddled with tetanus. The only way it could get any better is if I could somehow get Tom to sign my hospital bill with a railroad spike dipped in tobacco juice.”

Legendary music manager Peter Quartz expressed interest in harnessing Waits’ new technology for other bands on his roster.

“I could see this type of thing working for a lot of the groups I represent. The Residents, for example, could be blasting off giant eyeball masks, easy. And I just signed the Dire Straits, so you know their fans would freak for one that shoots sensible button-ups and corduroy pants! The only one that’d be a toughie is the Village People,” Quartz noted. “I’d need a ‘shuffle’ function so you don’t know whether you’re getting a construction worker get-up or a sailor suit. Somebody get the fellas in the lab on that task, ASAP!”

After the show, Waits vowed that his next gig would be an even bigger spectacle, due to the trading of his custom cannon for a real, functioning Revolutionary War-era one.

Willie Nelson Crashes Girls Sleepover to Get Hair Rebraided and Check Out Snack Situation

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Chris Bratton

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Country music icon Willie Nelson was spotted at a local sleepover for 7th grade girls to get his hair rebraided and grab a few refreshments, confused sources reported.

“Beckie throws one hell of shindig! I’ve always found sleepovers, quinceaneras, and sweet 16s as convenient stops to get my braids touched up, meet some salt of the earth folk, and satisfy my sweet tooth,” said Nelson. “We played this game called MASH which predicts your life, and apparently I am gonna be a Scuba instructor living in a mansion in Antarctica with 16 kids! The snack selection was unreal too. Dunkaroos, Gushers, Nerd Ropes, Laffy Taffy! I was riding a sugar rush so high I couldn’t get my shaky hands into the paper fortune teller when it was my turn to go.”

Edmunds Middle School student Becky Pederson’s sleepover was now at legendary status after welcoming the unexpected guest.

“My dad called him the red-headed stranger but seriously he is my gray-haired new best friend,” said Pederson. “When I was fixing his braids I told him about how this boy Derek at school broke up with me on our two-week anniversary. No cap, he called him up pretending to be his soccer coach and told him he was cut from the team. I had never heard any of his stuff on TikTok but he played us some songs and outlaw country is bussin!”

Trend expert Stephen Lawry has highlighted other celebrities who frequently stop by the homes of regular people.

“We started seeing this a few years ago with homeowners hanging ‘Bill Murray can crash here’ signs in the front of their houses. Then some metalheads found an easy way to meet their heroes by leaving their garage open displaying a bunch of free weights inside,” said Lawry. “But as far as Willie Nelson, don’t lose faith if you don’t have tweens to do his hair in your household. Always remember that he loves weed too, so if you leave out little bags of pot on your doorstep, you might have a chance Willie visit that will blow up your Instagram.”

In related news, Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich reportedly crashed a middle school field day, made his three-legged race partner cry, and left with all the juice boxes.

Opinion: There Are Too Many Posers Having Fun at Shows These Days

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Kevin Tit

I’m a real one, bro. Been around since back in the fucking day. So when my little brother wanted to see Sum 41, I was happy to go with him and show him the ropes. As soon as I got there though, I had a frightening realization. There are so many posers at shows nowadays and, even worse, they’re all having fun!

Is it just me or are there more posers around than before? When did people start having fun and jumping off the stage? I swear to God people don’t know how to act anymore. I remember back in the old school you had barriers between the rocking crowd and the band. Nobody moved. You crossed your arms, bobbed your head, and gave the occasional devil horns when you simply couldn’t contain yourself.

The place was huge and there were no authority figures around to keep the posers in line so, like the DIY mother fucker I am, I took matters into my own hands and told on them to a security guiard. I mean, if y’all wanna rock in that manner then at least be safe about it. Unfortunately, the security guard was apparently a poser too, and told me “it’s a rock show, deal with it.” I have half a mind to report this to some sort of manager. The local “School of Rock” band opened the show. Maybe they have a principal I can talk to.

All I’m saying is if you’re gonna be a poser and you come to a show, the least you could do is not have fun.

Did Limp Bizkit Predict the Future? Because Everything Is Fucked and Everybody Sucks

Posted on March 30, 2023 by Jason VanSlycke

Is Fred Durst a prophet speaking to our generation about the horrors of living during the decline of the American empire? Did Limp Bizkit presage such events as the pandemic, the collapse of the middle class, and irreversible climate change with a single song that is less than three minutes long and kicks fucking ass and is called “Break Stuff”?

Looking at life today it’s never been more true that everything is fucked. Fascism is on the rise along with hate crimes, bigoted legislature, and that guy from Staind.

As the stock market moves according to that “he said she said bullshit” the rich get richer while the poor are left with a fat lip. The conditions of the working class can cause depression and aggression. Rising rents and stagnant wages have us all feeling like a freight train.

When Nu-Metal poet laureate Frederick Durst wrote the line “no human contact and if you interact your life is on contract” we all should have started planning for a global pandemic. For those of us who contracted Covid the sentiment “I feel like shit, my suggestion is to keep your distance cause right now I’m dangerous” could not ring truer. “Six feet apart” would have been better marketed as “your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker!”

Of course, Limp Bizkit’s prescience wasn’t limited to the career-defining pop-music pinnacle that is “Break Stuff.” A further dive into their lyrics reveals such grim predictions as “hate is all the world has ever seen lately.” If only we heeded their warning.

Today we’re all familiar with “ACAB,” but it was Durst who wrote “fucked up cop with a fucked up badge” at the turn of the Millennium, long before the recent mainstream exposure of the police abolition movement, in “Hot Dog,” his epic treatise on modern life. It is indeed the most important diagnostic of a flawed society since Karl Marx’s Das Kapital. We must act now to change our course before that grim night comes when the world breaks our proverbial face.