Opinion: The Fact That the Muppets Only Took Manhattan Means They’ll Never Be “Real” New Yorkers

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Ready for a geography lesson? New York City is comprised of five boroughs: the Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens, and Staten Island, each bearing its own inscrutable mystique. However, some seem to believe that the world of New York City begins and ends in the most sanitized corners of one section. At the risk of pointing fingers, the Muppets and their apparent unwillingness to branch out beyond pockets of Manhattan means they’ll never be able to lay claim to being genuine New Yorkers.

Granted, I understand Kermit and his friends were staging a Broadway musical (not exactly my scene but I try not to judge) and thus probably wouldn’t be able to check off even half of the items on the “New York Shitty” itinerary my Uncle Tripp made in ‘81. But that doesn’t mean the opportunities weren’t there.

Like, when they meet all those rats working at the diner. I felt a wave of relief, eagerly anticipating a subsequent scene where they all go huff glue in Prospect Park and give each other stick ’n pokes. The closest it gets is a brief moment in Central Park (snore) where no one so much as lights a cigarette. Like, yeah, Miss Piggy kicks this dude’s ass, but it’s nothing compared to the time my buddy Mulch threw a Big Gulp cup full of piss through the window of a moving cop car in Far Rockaway. Or the time he found a lamp on the sidewalk and immediately smashed it over a Proud Boy’s head. God, I miss him.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Look, I get the Fozzie or Gonzo or whoever might not be quite that wild. And maybe they didn’t have time for a complete experience. But even if they were stuck in Manhattan, there’s so much more they could’ve done. Like, did no one in Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem check to see what was going down at CBGB? We could’ve had Animal experiencing the primal power of Steve DePace’s fills. Is there an extended edition that leans more in this direction? Because the studio cut is not it.

“What’s the big deal?” you might be asking. Well, if you have to ask, sadly, you’re also never going to be a real New Yorker. Now, I need to get going. I just moved into a new duplex in Hoboken and I haven’t even started unpacking.

Lucky Astronauts Still Stranded in Space During Election Year

Posted on by Matt Husser

HOUSTON — Stranded Boeing Starliner astronauts are considering themselves lucky as a delay pushed their return back to February 2025, therefore continuing to trap them in space during the election year, NASA sources confirmed.

“When you’re stranded in space, it’s hard not to lose hope—sometimes I look down at that pale blue dot and wonder if I’ll ever get home. But in my lowest moments I think to myself, ‘well at least I’m not stuck in America with those lunatics during an election year,’” said NASA astronaut Butch Wilmore, looking out the window on the International Space Station. “I know my family is worried about me, and I wish they could be up here with me safe from the campaign ads and Trump rallies. But at the end of the day, it’s an honor and a privilege to be one of the lucky few orbiting the planet as far away from MAGA weirdos as humanly possible.”

Wilmore’s family reportedly stayed strong despite the reality that their loved one would remain in space while trapped in an inhospitable hellhole during an election year.

“We’re all so proud of him, and I’m trying to stay strong for the family, but I have to admit that it’s been tough knowing that he’s blissfully isolated in the peaceful vacuum of space without us,” said Wilmore’s wife Claire, turning off a CNN exposé about J.D. Vance wiping a booger on his family dog. “Between the endless attack ads, the threats of political violence, and whatever bizarre shit RFK Jr. says every 48 hours, it’s been really difficult to explain to the kids why they’re stuck down here while their Dad is safe in a fragile metal tube traveling around the Earth at a relaxing 250 MPH.”

NASA engineers were already hard at work installing additional fail-safes to ensure that no more astronauts would be stranded in space in the event they intentionally tried to delay their returns until 2025.

“I can assure you that those of us in Mission Control are doing everything in our power to get these astronauts home as soon as possible, because frankly it’s not fair that they get to be up there while the rest of us down here have to endure another election cycle,” said NASA engineer Maggie Belmont, writing calculations on a whiteboard. “These lucky bastards are so busy trying to survive in a hostile environment that they have no idea that Mindy Kaling called Nancy Pelosi the ‘Mother of Dragons’ at the Democratic National Convention. And God forbid anything goes wrong, but at least they would burn up upon reentry without ever seeing a ‘Trumpy Trout’.”

Meanwhile competition was reportedly fiercer than ever for the first manned mission to Mars that would see astronauts hurtling through undiscovered reaches of space for the next two election cycles.

Our Next President Needs To Bring Back Family Values, By Which I Mean Korn’s Semi-Annual Family Values Tour

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Let’s face it. This country has changed and not for the better. Inflation, never-ending wars, global warming, and overall lack of decency. We all know where these things stem from. It’s not a Republican or a Democrat issue. It’s the lack of Korn’s music and their annual Family Values Tour.

Once a year, or every other year depending on the scheduling, Korn would go from town to town like a traveling preacher reminding us Americans of the importance of Nu Metal and how it improves family dynamics. They’d bring in their friends like Deftones, Limp Bizkit, and Rammstein. My dad would drive us all there with his classic jokes like “Korn on a Bizkit!” and we’d all laugh. My mom would knit us all homemade band merch in case we got cold. My brother and sister and I would have a scavenger hunt over who could find the most dropped septum piercings in the moshpit. There wasn’t a cell phone in sight, just people shouting “South Park” quotes at each other and swapping dreadlock maintenance tips.

Then came 2008. There was no Family Values Tour planned. We didn’t pay attention at first because the tours were never consistent every year, but then 2009 came and Family Values was once again missing. Then 2010 and still no return. Clearly, the Obama administration was not interested in Family Values.

In 2013 as society was continuing to crumble, Obama tried to save us all by finally bringing back Family Values. But it wasn’t the Family Values Tour was it, Obama? It was called the “Family Values Festival” which didn’t even tour the country! It was a single-day-long event that only took place in Broomfield, Colorado. According to Obama, only the elites of Broomfield deserved Family Values while the rest of middle America was left in the dust. At least Obama threw us those breadcrumbs. Both the Trump and Biden administrations didn’t even bother to bring back Family Values.

If either Trump or Kamala truly wants to earn our votes, it’s clear what issues they stand behind, and by that I of course mean the 1999 Korn album Issues. Only then should we Follow The Leader. If Trump or Kamala don’t even get that reference, then our country is truly lost.

Construction Worker Tells Alice Cooper “You’d Be Prettier With Less Makeup On, Sweetie”

Posted on by Chris Bratton

PHOENIX — A group of local construction workers told legendary rock star Alice Cooper that he’d look prettier with less makeup as he walked by a local condo development site, confirmed sources who weren’t sure if that’s technically catcalling.

“I just wanted him to know that long locks flowing from a top hat is gorgeous, just make sure that hair don’t hide that beautiful face! Speaking of that pretty face, why so much cakey makeup? He don’t need it, he’s a stunner!” said construction worker Ben Palubinski while pretending to hammer a nail. “Black and white striped blazer with small waisted skinny jeans? My god, he’d look like a sexy little Beetlejuice if he wore less foundation. But I will also say, he would look a little bit prettier if he learned to smile more.”

Cooper, however, was seemingly a little shaken up from the incident.

“You know, I’m sick of this shit. I remember a time when a guy in head to toe leather could comfortably cross the street, and none of these knuckleheads would whistle at you just because you were holding a whip or had a live snake wrapped around your neck,” said Cooper. “Days when I am feeling a little unsure of myself sometimes I put on a codpiece with a chrome skull on it, but that’s for me. It’s like, my eyes are up here and they’re pretty hard to miss because they are absolutely covered in eyeliner. It’s my eyes, my choice.”

The interactions between anyone and an elderly rockstar can prove to be a bit tricky, according to mediator Kendall Meledosian.

“First off, don’t approach too quickly. Their long hair and multiple scarves can obstruct certain lines of sight and you certainly do not want to startle them. And don’t mention their clothing!” said Meledosian. “They have had the responsibility of looking cool while doing drugs for decades, eventually you are gonna look like a Californian Raisin wearing snakeskin boots, so spare them the dignity. Offering them hard candy is also nice, they’ve been shouting at crowds for half of a century, their throat is probably a little scratchy. Overall, just be kind and absolutely never comment on their makeup techniques, as much as you want to.”

In a shocking twist, new reports show that Cooper has been spotted recently without his signature eye makeup, stating J.D. Vance ruined it for everyone.

The Ten Most Underrated Geffen Records Albums That Still Helped Make David Geffen a Billionaire

Posted on by Scott Waldman

What you’re about to read is seemingly sponsored by nepo babies, but David Geffen wouldn’t have it any other way. Geffen Records was founded by Sir Geffen in 1980, and since then it has been affiliated with various labels including Interscope and has had a number of subsidiaries such as Drive-Thru Records and SureTone. Geffen Records has launched the debut records of powerhouses like Guns N’ Roses with their blockbuster debut LP “Appetite for Destruction,” and Olivia Rodrigo’s “Sour,” so its legacy will live on forever with nostalgia-based radio rock fans and tweens glued to Tik Tok. We attempt to list the top ten most underrated Geffen Records albums below and we already anticipate “what about band x” in the mentions. Shut up, turn on your TV set to a channel with commercials, and softly rock out to Enya on CD compilation commercials that don’t exist.

Depswa “Two Angels and a Dream” (2003)

If you aren’t an active rock enthusiast, you likely missed the boat on this band or are very, very shocked/surprised to see ‘em listed here, but we like to keep you miscreants guessing. Modesto, California is typically known for its conservative Christian populous, but Depswa, which, to save you time on Google, means “deep behind the moon” in Swahili, and deserves to be atop the things you think about when modest with an Italian accent. “Two Angels and a Dream” is the band’s debut full-length studio album and sadly their only release for Geffen Records, as, depending on who is speaking, they were dropped or requested leave. Whatever happened is between the band and a litany of attorneys, but there’s one thing for sure, it’s sad that their sophomore release came out seven years after this one, easily stifling any mainstream momentum that the band may have had.

Drop Dead, Gorgeous “The Hot N’ Heavy” (2009)

It is very, very rare to see a former Rise Records band on a major label, but for some sweaty reason or another, Suretone Records, a subsidiary of Geffen Records signed Denver, Colorado’s Drop Dead, Gorgeous, and released two far from radio-friendly chaotic albums from the band. While your neckbeard brother in your mother’s basement with a solid WiFi signal may have dug the heck out of this band then and even more so now, the global response was more warm and fit, but not too fit. The band’s third and last LP as of now, “The Hot N’ Heavy” may have debuted at 192 on The Billboard 200, but it quickly fell off, and the band broke up two years later after a seven-year stint, only to return this year for an upcoming holiday hometown reunion show between Christmas and New Year’s. They’re planning and laughing.

Elastica “Self-Titled” (1995)

Despite being huge in the United Kingdom for more than a minute, domestically Elastica just weren’t as big over in the US, and if you disagree, ask a random person on the street wearing a Nirvana t-shirt to name three songs from the band. Sadly, the band was swarmed with plagiarism accusations on this LP, and were subsequently unable to capitalize on their UK momentum anywhere outside of England and even IN England, which was proven with their next LP coming out five years after this one, a form of career suicide much like the aforementioned Depswa. Shortly after LP2, “The Menace” was released, the band started working on new material, and split up before it had the chance to finish anything.

Emmy Rossum “Inside Out” (2007)

Yes, THE Emmy Rossum was a total musical theater kid prior to becoming the badass lead actress that you love to love or hate to love on “Shameless,” and she parlayed her success in the film version of “The Phantom of the Opera,” which also featured a younger Gerard Butler two years before he became an A-List action star in “300,” to a record deal with Geffen Records. We know that we were joking about nepo babies earlier, and we will later, but Rossum, you ARE NOT a nepo baby; you earned that deal. Stylistically, if you were expecting the LP to be sonically MT, classical, or anything similar, think again, as this is a pop record, but with some off-kilter tunes. Surprisingly, the record barely debuted in the Billboard 200 at 199, and after a Xmas EP later that year, she was gone from the Geffen Records roster.

Finch “Say Hello To Sunshine” (2005)

This one is one of the more underrated post-hardcore, screamo-adjacent albums of the aughts and we will die on that hill, as close to the sun as possible. Temecula, California’s Finch released a classic by every sense of the word full-length studio album called “What It Is To Burn” via Drive-Thru Records in 2002, which was then a subsidiary of MCA Records, and when DTR’s deal moved to new label partner Geffen Records, Finch’s sophomore LP “Say Hello To Sunshine” came out three years later. You can try to argue against this, but you’re wrong, as this record is one of the most non-mainstream friendly major label releases ever. If Finch had played it safe, they could have made “What It Is To Burn” part 2, and would’ve had a longer career that paralleled The Used, but they listened to their hearts, bitemarks, bloodstains, and insomniatic meat.

The Like “Are You Thinking What I’m Thinking?” (2005)

The next two mentions are the last two “nepo baby” full-length studio albums, but The Like was special because it paralleled HBO’s “Girls” in that ALL three of the band members had a successful pedigree prior to forming, putting the band above the rest from the start: frontwoman Z Berg’s father was a former, wait for it, wait for it, GEFFEN RECORDS A&R executive, and if you know much about that line of work, they literally sign the bands and assist with their respective albums. Bassist Charlotte Froom’s father was successful record producer Mitchell Froom and drummer Tennessee Thomas’ father drummed for Elvis Costello. Still, their debut record “Are You Thinking What I’m Thinking?” would please rich fans at Coachella and rough fans at Riot Fest, and if you’re thinking what we’re thinking, you should spin their streamable music right this very minute! Once things look up, fall away.

Phantom Planet “Phantom Planet Is Missing” (1998)

A lot of people don’t know that Nicolas Cage is a member of the Hollywood dynasty family The Coppolas, but a lot of people DO know that actor/former Phantom Planet drummer/hipster icon Jason Schwartzman is, as his mom Talia Shire from “Rocky” is Francis Ford Coppola’s sister, and even she got some flak for being an early “nepo baby” in the Godfather series. Back to Schwartzman, why do so many people know about his uncheckered past? Blame the ‘net.
Anyway, Phantom Planet released just one album for Geffen Records, their debut, and it doesn’t get as much attention or fanfare as their four follow-ups, but we implore you to listen to the youthful by definition, “Phantom Planet Is Missing” if you want to hear a pre-”California” California band that had peers in Kara’s Flowers, another band that didn’t take off until they did.

Snot “Get Some” (1997)

And now for something a bit different Santa Barbara, California’s Snot’s debut full-length studio LP “Get Some” was heavy and you were probably introduced to it by your best friend in middle school with the older brother who smoked weed all the time. The record totally primed the band for a huge follow-up sophomore LP a la what System of a Down’s “Toxicity” was to their debut self-titled road warrior record, but sadly, the band’s enigmatic vocalist and frontman Lynn Strait and the iconic dog that adorned this album cover were both killed in tragic car accident just one year after this funky nu-metal record infected one head at a time in small venues and on huge Ozzfest stages. Over the course of nearly an hour, Snot rips through song after song that aggressively punches you in the gut and leaves each listener yearning for more.

Sound the Alarm “Stay Inside” (2007)

Brian Chiusano is one of the more underrated guitarists from the scene and beyond, and he has the dental and contradictory Diddy Riese pedigrees to prove it! To quote WWE icon and Olympic gold medalist, Kurt Angle, “It’s true! It’s true!” If you wanted Switchfoot to be more “Warped Tour” and less “Christian,” well do we have the album for you: Sound the Alarm’s full-length debut studio record “Stay Inside.” Lore states that the terrible music video for “Suffocating” is what did this band in, and while we won’t provide a counterargument, we still don’t get why the band didn’t rise to the heights of larger acts in a similar vein like Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Mayday Parade, and The Starting Line. Picture perfect? Not really. The cream doesn’t always rise to the top, but it does form cavities. Yeah.

that dog. “Retreat from the Sun” (1997)

Rachel freaking Haden. Enough said.

Jack White Demands Trump Stop Using His Songs By Sending Campaign Cease and Desist Letter on 7”

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Jack White issued a strongly worded cease and desist letter on a one-of-a-kind 7” forbidding the Republican candidate from using his songs at campaign events, sources close to Trump confirmed.

“I couldn’t just stand and let these bigoted fascists use my songs to push their racist agenda,” said White while applying a thick layer of SPF 400 sunscreen. “I called up a few of my lawyer buddies and they brought their guitars to my studio so we could jam out and write a cease and desist letter that would rock Trump’s diaper right off his ass. I pressed it myself right here at the Third Man The plant, hand numbered it, and signed it. The B-side is three minutes of me talking about how Kid Rock is a fraud who isn’t even from Detroit. If Trump tries to flip this record on eBay for profit then he can expect a double LP in his mailbox outlining a litany of other lawsuits.”

Members of the Trump campaign found it difficult to extract any information from the record.

“We were setting up our latest rally in the great state of Pennsylvania when a guy who looks like he fought in the Civil War rode up on a horse and presented us with the package from Mr. White,” said Trump’s Deputy Director of Communications Margo Martin. “The cover art was a crudely drawn middle finger, but we had no way of playing it. I grabbed a couple of other staffers and we went to the public library to see if they had a record player we could use. Being surrounded by all those books made me sick, and I can’t wait for President Trump to take office again and do away with libraries once and for all.”

Music historian Liza Binder noted that White is just the latest in a litany of artists forbidding Trump from using their songs.

“You know things are bad for your campaign when even Nickelback doesn’t want you using their songs. If I were to list all the artists that have expressly forbid Trump from using their work then we would be here for hours, if not days,” said Binder. “At this point Trump is still legally allowed to use songs from Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and the White Knights, which was a band David Duke played guitar in for a few years before he became the Grand Wizard of the Klan. Other than that I’m not sure any other music is permitted.”

At press time, former president Trump was under fire once again for using Black Flag’s “White Minority” over footage of migrants crossing the border.

30 Fugazi Songs You Have to Pretend to Like More Than “Waiting Room”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Let’s face it, liking a legendary group’s most popular song can make you come across as an unseasoned veteran of a band’s fandom. It’ll look like you just started listening to them last week when in reality you got into them a few months ago. That’s why claiming Fugazi’s “Waiting Room” is their best song is socially risky and a major anthropological faux pas. Luckily, we’ve compiled an esteemed list of tracks you can pretend to like better in order to score those precious Fugazi points we all strive for culturally. (Read along while listening to the playlist, click here)

30. “Bad Mouth” (1989)

The verse on “Bad Mouth” almost feels “Waiting Room” adjacent, so if you’re trying to distance yourself from Fugazi’s most heralded track, this might not be the best option for playing make believe. Too suspect for our purposes, but you could do worse.

29. “KYEO” (1991)

Many consider “A Steady Diet of Nothing” to be Fugazi’s weakest release, which means you can just write all the track names down on little pieces of paper, blindfold yourself, and throw a dart to pick which one is better than “Waiting Room.” We hit “KYEO” on our first try.

28. “Back to Base” (1995)

One of the most effective ways to find your favorite non “Waiting Room” track is to skim every song in their discography for a good 15 seconds to get the gist. That being said, one-seventh of this song definitely rules.

27. “Facet Squared” (1993)

We can thank bassist Joe Lally for presumably coming up with that catchy “Waiting Room” line. It’s so good it almost makes you want to check out their other stuff, like whatever this song is. Your friend that really hates the “Fast & Furious” franchise probably loves this song

26. “Bed For The Scraping” (1995)

One of the core tenets of Fugazi is that their shows only costs five bucks. If anything, this band should reunite so people can have an affordable thing to do on a Wednesday night. In the meantime, we will all have to pay $50 just for socializing outside and pretending “Bed For The Scraping” is their pinnacle. Thanks, Fugazi.

25. “Full Disclosure” (2001)

Many will tell you that Fugazi’s last album is their best, which is rare for a band with six studio albums and a bunch of EPs. This is not something you have to worry about though since we’re only pretending that this is their best release and not whichever one has “Waiting Room.”

24. “Turnover” (1990)

Like “Waiting Room,” this song is the first track on “Repeater.” If you’re trying to look like a real fan by knowing their lesser known songs, the ones that open an album are probably not your best bet. We’re trying to make our musical taste look sophisticated and refined here.

23. “Margin Walker” (1989)

Perhaps more importantly than pretending to like any song better than the main one is the ability to pronounce Guy Picciotto’s last name correctly. Be sure to work on that before starting any Fugazi-related conversations.

22. “Reclamation” (1991)

While we’re on the topic, you should also know that Guy was also in a band called Rites of Spring. That one is pronounced like “Rights of Spring,” presumably.

21. “Bulldog Front” (1989)

This song comes immediately after “Waiting Room” on their creatively titled compilation “13 Songs.” It’s a little too obvious for what we’re going for here, but it’s still better than looking like “that” guy during Fugazi-based discussions.

20. “Repeater” (1990)

This track has the same name as the album it’s on. There are probably more mysterious Fugazi songs to pretend you prefer more than “Waiting Room,” but it’s difficult to choose from looking at song titles alone. This one is still solid though.

19. “Cashout” (2001)

“Waiting Room” is the “Love Will Tear Us Apart” of Fugazi. Characteristically, to be a respected fan of a band, you want to avoid saying your favorite song is their most popular one. That’s why Nirvana’s best song is a demo version of a B-side that was an exclusive bootleg in Japan that only 12 people have actually heard, not “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

18. “Merchandise” (1990)

Fugazi was notoriously against selling merch, so you can’t even really buy a legit shirt of theirs to bypass listening to any of their actual music. Think about us posers for a change, Ian.

17. “Epic Problem” (2001)

Since Fugazi shirts don’t exist, the best you can do is write their band name on a Gildan and call it a day. They really dropped the ball by not having an iconic logo like the Misfits, so those of us that don’t know them can actually look like a fan to strangers by wearing their official apparel.

16. “Styrofoam” (1990)

People seem to love this album, but let’s face it, it’s difficult to make time to listen to all 40 minutes of it when you have all of these Spotify Daily Mixes to catch up on.

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Nation’s Bird Watchers Finally Admit It’s Sexual

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. — The National Association of Bird Lovers (NABL) finally ended years of speculation and admitted that their seemingly wholesome activity was based on nothing more than an uncontrollable sexual attraction to the winged creatures, validated sources reported.

“We know we’ve tried to convince everyone that our leisurely pastime where we spend all weekend creeping in the woods with binoculars is just a nice hobby, but it’s time to fess up and admit it simply gets our rocks off,” said President Todd Cornelius as he hid a sizeable bulge in his pants just talking about the subject. “You really thought our devotion to finding elusive beauties like the Antioquia Brushfinch was merely based on an innocent appreciation of their striking plumage? Think again. We’ve got a fever, and the only antidote is lusting after these featured little sluts.”

Eight-two-year-old Kitty LeFarge, who frequents the same park as many of the birders, shared her lingering suspicions.

“My husband Earl and I–God rest his soul–have been coming here for the past fifty years,” stated LeFarge. “At first, we thought these people were just engaging in a fun activity in the great outdoors by enjoying the fresh air and relaxing with nature. But when we observed them a little closer, we noticed that they’d let out a little moan when they spotted a bird that seemed to suit their fancy, then their hands would disappear into their cargo shorts. They should all be put on a watchlist if you ask me.”

John Dryer, manager of a local hobby store, explained that many popular interests are fronts for sexual deviance.

“These are all for perverts,” Dryer said, pointing to his entire inventory. “Bird watching, butterfly chasing, plant identification and even gardening have all been co-opted by sickos. Basically, any hobby that involves being alone outside is a breeding ground for degenerates. Makes you think twice the next time you see your neighbor tending to his favorite begonia bush, knowing he’ll probably try to bang it. Yeah, I’m talking about you, Mr. Sokowski.”

At press time, the NABL also admitted that the seeds they tempt the birds with are laced with a powerful aphrodisiac.

​​I’m the Guy Who Billy Joel Saw Fuck His Tonic & Gin, AMA!

Posted on by Tim Sheard

It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday, which is the time of the week I get particularly randy. My name is Bob Powell, and I have the esteemed pleasure of being immortalized in Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” as the guy making love to his tonic & gin. The readers of The Hard Times have submitted many questions, so let’s get right to them.

Q: Why did you call it a “tonic & gin” instead of a “gin & tonic”?

A: This was in the phase of my life when I was trying to coin new ways to say common phrases. For example, I referred to a ham & cheese sandwich as a “cheese ham and sandwich.” None of these caught on, everyone in my life hated it, and I ended up very alone.

Q: How does one “make love” to a cocktail?

A: Ah, my favorite question. It is actually a very involved process. On that particular night, I was served my cocktail in a particularly wide highball glass. So to get the proper pressure and friction, I had to wrap my firm dong in my ballsack much like a bun wraps a hotdog. You then take this bunned sausage and jam it into the glass while screaming “TONIC AND GIN! TONIC AND GIN!” I do my best to keep time with the rhythm of whatever song is playing but the drink is so cold that all caution quickly goes to the wind. Since a proper gin & tonic has plenty of ice, you only have a few seconds to mash your turgid dong in and out before everything goes south.

Q: Have you received any money for being the inspiration of “Piano Man?”

A: No, we muses fuel art but are abandoned once the art starts making money. Girlies, who can relate? Not only do I not get royalties, Billy Joel has never come back to the club. Most people don’t after they see me pork my drink.

Q: According to the song, you were an old man in 1973. How are you still alive?

A: Perverts like me exist outside of time and place. We do not conform to the limitations of the human body; we have transcended such boundaries. We will always be with you, near you, whenever you need help.

Q: Are you still a Billy Joel fan?

A: Never was. I prefer Ronnie Radke.

So-Called Punk Show Still Features Organized Ticket Line and Thorough Safety Procedures

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

ATHENS, Ga. — Beloved local bar and music venue Whiskey Dick McGraw’s is facing backlash from confused and disappointed punks due to the apparently above-standard safety precautions, orderly ticket sales and hygiene standards at a show for folk-punk band “Sproingus” Wednesday night.

“It was atrocious,” said Sproingus vocalist and “rhythm” guitarist Alex Cromwell. “Vomit everywhere; crying, filthy, unsupervised toddlers; a dude with a head injury screaming about the government–those are all staples of punk shows, and what I expect. And this place had none of them. There were single file ticket lines, security that wasn’t taking part in the mosh pit… I think I even saw someone get carded. I mean you wouldn’t go to a Phish show and then get mad at the people selling nitrous out of balloons. It was disgraceful to the Sproingus name.”

Show-goers such as Athens scene legend Lonny “Long Lankin” Lautrec were all too eager to voice their displeasure.

“I lost my right leg at a Misfits show in ‘83,” said Lautrec, who is best known for a 1987 restraining order filed by the members of REM. “It got torn off by a gang of dudes dressed like they were in ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’ and then moshed up to the stage. Jerry Only picked it up and started playing it like it was a bass. He even signed it for me. It’s hanging above my fireplace at home. It kills me to think that today’s young punks might not get that same experience. Whiskey Dick’s really dropped the ball.”

For the venue staff, however, the heightened security and orderliness was not meant to ruin anyone’s good time, but simply a response from too many bad experiences.

“We love being a place where Athens punks can come and cut loose,” said bar owner and titular “Dick” Richard McGraw. “But at a certain point, you just have to be mindful. Too many of our shows have ended with some poor janitor having to go into the bathroom with a hose because someone wrote ‘party girls don’t get hurt’ on the bathroom wall in feces. We all want to be punks. But what does that mean? Is the punk rock lifestyle about being nasty and gross and vulgar? No! It’s about following the rules and staying safe. That’s how everybody has a good time.”

At press time, Sproingus was packing their gear into the 2005 Pontiac Aztek with malfunctioning airbags which serves as their tour bus.