Clayton, Author at HARDTIMES

M.I.T. Scientists Announce Discovery of First Zoom Meeting To Begin Without Awful Small Talk

Posted on July 15, 2024 by Tim Sheard

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Scientists at M.I.T’s prestigious Zoom Studies Lab reportedly identified the first online meeting to begin without terrible, meaningless small talk.

“Observations on the weather. Awkward icebreakers. Questions about turning your camera on. We’ve seen it all,” said Dr. Klaus Buford from his basement office. “We’ve been monitoring virtual American workplaces since the pandemic began, and now we’re utilizing A.I. to assist us in identifying fumbling anecdotes at the start of any online group meeting. However, just last week, we were able to highlight a single meeting that experienced a ‘small talk vacuum,’ a blip of silence or ‘dark matter’ before anyone even spoke. We think it’s a step forward in quantum physics. Also of note was the swift end to the meeting. There was a rare finality–not a single person had a straggling question or awkwardly waved to the screen.”

Longtime Boston resident and data analyst Gus Robbards disputed the quality of the groundbreaking meeting.

“That was the worst meeting I’ve ever been to,” said Robbards over the phone while clipping coupons. “This was supposed to be a meeting for our regional office, and I came prepared. I had jokes! I had complaints about my commute. Plus there’s a new Chipotle near the main office, that’s something worth bringing up, right? Damn it, I even saw a rare bird over the weekend! I wanted to talk about how O.J. Simpson died! Sure, that was a few months ago, but still – it’s O.J.! Remember that whole thing? It would’ve gotten the social lubricant going. This is a classic tactic of mine–pick a news item, ask a stranger what they think about it, and just parachute into a one-way conversation where I hold court.”

Efficiency advocate Diana Lee-Mifsud praised the lab’s progress in workplace communication.

“I’m thrilled by the news,” admitted Lee-Mifsud from her D.C. thinktank headquarters. “Here at ‘Fighting for Time Back,’ we strive to reduce wasteful chatter on the fringes of any virtual social interaction. We encourage guests to show up early, and keep mics off unless necessary. Somehow these simple requests are repeatedly ignored. We’ve gone so far as to use ball-gags and handcuffs for ‘over-talkers’ in an attempt to quell such behavior. This year, we’re looking into voice-encryption for the hosts allowing the meeting to Start, or fines for anyone wasting a group’s time. Punishments would include loss of access to their account, banishment to the barren wasteland of Skype, or even worse: having to make actual phone calls.”

At press time, Dr. Buford was prepared to share results with the University Board, only to be delayed by small talk about everyone’s favorite seltzer brand and sandwich due to one person eating lunch on screen.

Five Jet Skis That Say, “She Left Me and Took the Kids”

Posted on July 14, 2024 by Dom Turek

Here are some fun facts you might not know about kids; they have more tastebuds than adults, they’re born ambidextrous, and their undying loyalty is to their mother regardless of your status as sole breadwinner and objectively better-looking spouse. If Annmarie wants to move forward with the divorce proceedings and file for full custody of the kids, be my guest because I’ll be cruising away from my problems on Lake Kalamazoo at a cool 42 miles per hour. Here are five kick-ass jet skis to put the “party” in your ex-parte divorce.

SeaDoo GTX Limited Edition

This ride touts durability and “ultimate family fun” as its major selling points, but who needs a family when you have all the hottest girls at the lake flashing you while you do donuts on the lake? Sometimes the best things in life are free, but sometimes they cost 12 monthly payments of $2000.

Yamaha WaveRunner FX

Playful, fun, and stylish. All the traits my wife said I lacked can be found in the WaveRunner FX. This stand-alone beauty could be yours for $20000, which is pocket change now that I’m saving loads of cash not providing food, clothing, or shelter for my loved ones.

Kawasaki Ultra

Real men know that a high-performance vehicle is the only way to supplement a low performance in the bedroom. Bright colors, loud noises, and glow-in-the-dark decals will leave your new hot young girlfriend so satisfied, that she’ll probably forget all about your laundry list of penile dysfunctions

Honda Aquatrax SLT

With a meager price point of $600, the Aquatrax isn’t exactly something to brag about, but if the judge doesn’t rule in your favor, it may be the only watercraft you can afford. Sure, it might not attract the most attention but who wants to attract materialistic, gold-digging women anyway? That’s what got you into this mess in the first place.

Polaris Jet Blaster

Somehow cheaper and even more dangerous than the Honda Aquatrax, we’ve arrived at the infamous jet blaster. Liable to explode at any moment and leave you stranded in the middle of the lake missing an arm, it offers the most affordable adrenaline rush on the market. Looks aside, this no-frills jet ski gets you from point A to point B and will likely be the only asset left in your name.

Biden Assures American People He’s Still Running Despite Being Decapitated by Helicopter Blade

Posted on July 14, 2024 by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — President Biden insists he’s not dropping out of the presidential race even though his head was separated from his body in a freak helicopter accident suffered while exiting Marine One, according to blood-spattered sources.

“Listen, Jack, I’m the only one who can beat Trump, so of course I’m not stepping down,” said the president’s head from within a tank of preservative fluid. “Ignore the decapitation thing for a minute and look at everything I’ve accomplished. We had historic wins in 2020 and again in 2022. Under my leadership, we beat Medicare. I formed the League of Nations. I’m the guy who can stop Project 2025: A Space Odyssey. Folks, I’m fit as a fiddle. And to prove it, I’m challenging Jesse Owens to a foot race as soon as my head’s back on my body.”

Many people who were disturbed by Biden’s recent behavior say they’ll still vote for him in November.

“I voted for Biden in 2020 because he was the nominee, and if he’s on the ballot this time, I guess I’ll have to vote for him again,” sighed registered Democrat Alice Peppard. “Do I wish we had a younger option? Yes, of course. Also, I would prefer someone in decent health with his head still attached to his body. Maybe we’ve still got a chance—but if Trump does win, my plan is to try to get a Canadian to marry me to get me out of this shithole country. Barring that, I’ll just get a red baseball cap and try to blend in with the fascists.”

There are no laws or statutes which prohibit a disembodied head from running for office according to constitutional scholar Gareth McNary.

“Nowhere in the founding documents does it state that a candidate must have their head connected to their body in order to be eligible,” said McNary. “In fact, candidates aren’t required to have a conventional body at all. In 1840 a gentleman named Rudolph Weiss vied for the Whig Party nomination. Weiss was little more than an amorphous puddle of flesh that had to be wheeled around in a cart. He didn’t win the nomination—not because of his disfigurement, but because he advocated for the abolition of slavery, something that was pretty unpalatable to most voters of the time.”

As of press time, Biden’s head had been temporarily grafted onto a Boston Dynamics robot dog, allowing the president to return to the campaign trail.

Who Cares if Artificial Intelligence Is Depleting Energy Resources When You Can AI Generate As Many Pictures of the Rainforest As You Want

Posted on July 14, 2024 by Adam Frost-Venrick

I feel like there’s just no pleasing you people sometimes. In 2021, I went out and I bought Etherium and Dogecoin because they were blowing up! And you all laughed at me. In 2022, I bought some Bored Ape NFTs. And it was the joke of the season. Now I go out and I do some absolutely fantastic work with AI technology and you all look at me like I’m Grandpa’s big wet chode.

Lately, there’s been a lot of chatter that AI is harmful to the environment. That the network required to keep AI up and running is a catastrophic power sucker. That generating one image is like leaving your phone plugged in for hours and hours. But I’m here to tell you, that’s an idiotic concern. “Oh won’t someone think of the poor trees. You’re destroying the rainforests!” I can hear the environmentalists shriek. But tough titty. With AI, I can generate as many pictures of the rainforest as I want, with happy little six-fingered monkeys and stretched-out palm trees.

And speaking of pictures, let’s talk about why some of the powers that be really don’t want folks like you and me using AI. See, I’ve always known I was destined to be a great artist. But I can’t draw, paint, sculpt, write, act, dance, make music, sing, or even sprinkle glitter without making a mess. And learning how to do these things is both costly and time-consuming. Ergo, the selfish “traditional artists” must also have a grudge against AI. Big Art wants to gatekeep AI art from you. Because they know how cool it looks. It looks really cool.

And I can already hear the shit talkers now: “AI doesn’t make realistic-looking humans. AI makes images that look like the nightmares of a meth-head in a German expressionist film.” That’s what they’ll say. Pearls before swine! The point of art is to be unrealistic. And I love this. Except for surrealist art, which is stupid and terrible and should be banned.

Look, I’ll admit it… the other tech ventures haven’t gone the way I thought they would. But that’s not because Crypto and NFTs are bad or stupid or fundamentally disastrous. No! It’s because the world is controlled by shadow bankers who didn’t want to see the little guy succeed. And that little guy was me. A guy who had his entire life savings taken away when someone screenshotted his apes.

Jerry Cantrell Reveals “Them Bones” Actually About Time He Saw Spooky Skeletons Playing Rib Cages Like Xylophones

Posted on July 14, 2024 by Matt Husser

SEATTLE — Jerry Cantrell reportedly revealed that 1992 Alice in Chains hit “Them Bones” was actually inspired by the time he saw spooky skeletons playing rib cages like xylophones as he was walking through a cemetery, sources close to Cantrell confirmed.

“Whenever I’d give interviews about this song I’d tell them it was about something deep like pondering the nature of my mortality, but really it was about the time I stumbled upon ‘Jammin’ Jimbone and his Marrow Band of Numbskulls’ playing some good ol’ fashioned bone jazz in the pale moonlight,” said Cantrell. “Of course I was frightened at first, but they invited me to play the jug because I was the only guy around with lips. The original title of the song was ‘Clickety Clack, Them Bones Are Back’ but Layne didn’t think we should kick off the album with a ragtime jam.”

Alice in Chains drummer Sean Kinney recalled that many of the band’s most famous songs were named after similar incidents.

“Jerry gets a reputation for being a tortured soul, but all the songs he wrote for the band were inspired by whimsical encounters. Fun fact: ‘Dam That River’ is about the time Jerry saw some industrious beavers wearing hard hats while clocking in for their shift at their construction site,” said Kinney, leafing through an old photo album. “And ‘Down in a Hole’ was about the time me and Layne buried Jerry in sand at the beach and a hermit crab wearing a beer can pinched his ear. Boy he got so mad that he threw that crab’s can in the ocean, but then he felt bad about it—and that’s where ‘Sea of Sorrow’ came from.”

Despite the legendary jam session, Marrow Band of Numbskulls frontman Jammin’ Jimbone recounted his disappointment the first time he heard “Them Bones.”

“I was jazzed when I found out that kid we jammed with made it big, but then I heard the song on the cemetery groundskeeper’s radio — ‘I feel so alone, gonna end up a big ol’ pile of them bones.’ Really? I don’t come to your concerts and rag on your saggy bag of flesh,” said Jimbone, examining the stained liner notes of a discarded “Dirt” CD. “But what really ground my bones was when I saw their MTV Unplugged show—Kurt brought out the Meat Puppets for Nirvana’s Unplugged, but you can’t break off a little spotlight for your ol’ pal Jimbone?”

At press time, Jimbone later revealed that he and his band had also jammed with a young Rob Zombie in the ‘80s, but quickly noted that “White Zombie” was not their preferred nomenclature.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Probably Would Have Been Good Enough For Dr. Ruth’s Sex Playlist

Posted on July 14, 2024 by Corey Montgomery

Another week has passed you by and you have no new music to show for it. We don’t feel like we need to tell you how depressing that is, but here we are saving you from the brink once again. Here are six new tracks that have been hand picked by our staff to help you maintain even a shred of relevancy. You can thank us when you start feeling like yourself again.

Cursive ‘Botch Job’

Cursive’s highly anticipated follow-up to 2019’s excellent ‘Get Fixed’ ’ is set to drop in less than two months. From what we’ve heard, the new record, ‘Destructor,’ is set to continue the band’s creative renaissance. The latest single, ‘Botch Job,’ is a whirling journey through walls of dissonant guitars and anxiety inducing rhythms. It’s a white knuckle ride that culminates in a sound that is unequivocally Cursive at their peak.

Tim Heidecker ‘Well’s Running Dry’

When actor and comedian Tim Heidecker isn’t spinning up confounding surrealist satire, he’s crafting woozy, nostalgic, and vulnerable tunes. His new album, ‘Slipping Away,’ is set to release in October, and its lead single ‘Well’s Running Dry’ promises a continuation of the introspective material that has become Heidecker’s trademark since 2020’s ‘Fear of Death.’ It will still make you laugh, but in that awkward way you do when you are trying to brush off your feelings.

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard ‘Le Risque’

Mr. Gizzo and the Lizzy Wiz, as the kids like to call them, have just released their 1,843,506th single by our count. ‘Le Risque’ finds the band somehow continuing to broaden their palate, this time tapping into a sound that can only be described as a honky tonk band unknowingly dropping acid before their dive bar set. The single comes with the announcement of the band’s 26th studio album, ‘Flight B741.’ Jesus Christ.

Fake Fruit ‘Más O Menos’

Next month, Fake Fruit will release their sophomore LP, ‘Mucho Distrust.’ It follows their widely heralded 2021 self-titled debut album. Whereas that record was cut with multiple lineups across several cities, their latest marks the first with a stable and consistent lineup. While that first collection was incredible, it appears that tightening up the lineup is proving to add a refreshing intensity and cohesion to Hannah D’Amato’s already flawless writing.

Laughter ‘The Wheel’

Because neither you or any of your friends are cool, there’s a good chance you have yet to hear South London’s indie outfit Laughter. This is a mistake you should rectify immediately before we lose all respect for you. Their latest single, ‘The Wheel,’ is a fuzz-drenched masterpiece dipped in ‘90s shoegaze revelry. It has more riffs than we even knew were legal to put in a song, and this is without even mentioning all the dreamy hooks.

The Get Up Kids ‘Holiday – Demo’

We don’t mean to put a damper on your typical youthful demeanor, but The Get Up Kids’ breakthrough album ‘Something To Write Home About’ is celebrating its 25th anniversary this year. That’s a quarter of a century, and further evidence that you are getting nothing but older. To help soothe the horrors of time, the band is releasing a deluxe edition of the record with a whole heap of demos and outtakes, including the recently released demo of album opener, ‘Holiday.’ We’ll be listening all day while trying not to think of our ex from college.

Look, we get it. You’re probably ‘too busy’ to click the play button on any of these songs. That’s why we’ve hand crafted a playlist for you. It doesn’t just have these songs on it, either. It has every song we’ve ever written about this year, and will continue to grow until it becomes so long and disorienting that we get banned from Spotify. You can click here to check it out unless you’d prefer to continue not expanding your musical repertoire.

Massive Pile of Crap In Trump’s Underwear Admits it Was There Before Assassination Attempt

Posted on July 13, 2024 by The Hard Times Staff

BUTLER, Penn. — A loose, and utterly disgusting, accidental bowel movement inside former President Trump’s underwear admitted it was already stinking up the surrounding area before a would-be assassin took shots at the Republican nominee, grossed out sources confirmed.

“I want to make this perfectly clear before the rumors start flying. I’m not one of those cowardly piles of shit that fly out of an anus when someone gets scared. I’m the result of a terrible diet and weakened control due to advanced age like the hundreds of my brothers and sisters before me that soiled Mr. Trump’s undergarments,” said the stool made up mainly of McDonald’s burgers, cheap steak, and french fries. “Sure, a little bit more leaked out after he hit the ground, but I want nothing to do with that waste. I sprayed out on my own terms at least 15 minutes before the shots were fired.”

A Secret Service Agent who chose to remain anonymous confirmed that the excrement is telling the truth.

“Unfortunately I was stationed down wind of President Trump at the rally and anytime there was a slight breeze I caught a whiff of it and nearly gagged. Thankfully we train for this. In order to be in President Trump’s protection circle you must be exposed to the most vile odors for hours at a time without wincing,” said the agent. “When I heard the shots I hesitated because I didn’t want to be the first one to pile on and have some of the crap leak onto my suit. I’ve had it happen before and we have to pay for that out of pocket. I had to cancel a family vacation to Disneyland because of the expense.”

Conservative pundits were quick to discredit the talkative scat and frame the former president as a hero.

“I don’t know why this pile of feces feels the need to center itself in the conversation. Every bit of that mixture of undigest food, bacterially altered bilirubin, and dead epithelial cells should consider itself lucky to be so close to the Mr. Trump,” said Fox News host Sean Hannity. “Personally I’d love to take a trip through his digestive system, and yeah I might come out before the former president could get to a toilet because I’d be so excited about the adventure I just went on. This literal piece of crap needs to fall in line.”

At press time, Trump supporters around the country announced plans to crap their pants in solidarity.

Not So Tough Now: How We Easily Beat the Crap Out of the 8-Year-Old Currently Living in the “Home Alone” House

Posted on July 13, 2024 by The Hard Times Staff

“Home Alone” is a movie that helped define a generation and is still revered to this day. The film follows the exploits of young Kevin McAllister as he defends his home from two bumbling thieves. If you are anything like us then you’ve probably thought to yourself “This would never happen to me, I would have smoked that stupid kid.” Well, we decided to put it to the test, and it turns out the kid living in Kevin’s childhood home was rather easy to beat up, almost too easy.

In order to maintain authenticity we wanted to take on the kid by himself. We started by breaking into the house late at night, tying up the parents, and their other 12-year-old son, then locked them in the garage. They offered little resistance. Yes, we threatened them with a gun, but it wasn’t even loaded. Well, it wasn’t fully loaded. It only had four bullets, and we wrote the name of a family member on each bullet and then loaded the gun in front of the mom and dad to show them we meant business. Now it was time to test ourselves against the kid.

When we opened the door to his bedroom he wouldn’t stop screaming. We explained to him that we were just there to beat the crap out of him and steal all the valuables from his home, but that we would give him 30 minutes to try to outsmart us. He could set as many traps as his little heart desired. The game was on, we started a timer then returned to our Prius and waited.

Finally, it was time to make our move, and we were incredibly disappointed. The doorknob was not booby-trapped, I had purchased $75 leather gloves to counter this maneuver, and I felt like I wasted my money. After getting inside and walking straight up the stairs without slipping on any toy cars or getting hit in the face with paint cans we were starting to think this kid was a dud. But we had to be careful, the kid could be hiding somewhere with his BB gun ready to shoot us in the testicles. Well, it turns out he never left his bedroom. He was still there crying. It was almost sad, we even asked if he needed another 15 minutes to set a trap and all the kid did was ask for his parents.

Now it was time for the final showdown. The kid was a complete disappointment, he did nothing to defend his home, and now it was time to fight him once and for all. My partner in crime had been taking some cardio kickboxing classes so he wanted to take first crack at the kid. All it took was one punch. The kid was out cold. We stole his Switch, a PS5 from the family room, and a few handfuls of jewelry from the parent’s room.

Maybe kids in the ‘90s were tougher.

Biden’s Approval Rating Soars After He Releases Diss Track About Drake

Posted on July 13, 2024 by Sean Fallon

WASHINGTON — President Biden’s struggling campaign was given a sudden boost with his approval numbers at record highs after releasing a blistering diss track aimed at Drake, confirmed sources who might actually vote this year.

“After that awful performance in the debate, I was ready to write Biden off,” said Representative Lloyd Doggett, D-Austin, who had called for Biden to step down and let someone else take on Donald Trump in November. “But after I heard the track, called ‘1812,’ I thought, oh shit, Biden is popping off! Getting Dr. Dre to produce it was a masterstroke and that guest verse by Kamala Harris? I didn’t know she could spit that fast. Yeah, I finished it and just went back to the start and had to run that shit back.”

Biden detractors feel like the track is a cheap attempt to grab youth votes after the poor debate performance and the media’s constant reporting on his age.

“It’s all just a ploy,” said Robert Finney, a Trump supporter and writer for the Daily Wire. “Dropping a blistering diss track against a corny-ass colonizer is the oldest trick in the book. Bill Clinton dropped one against Vanilla Ice in the early ‘90s which paved the way to the White House for him and I’m shocked Biden is just repeating a hackneyed idea. Also, Biden is very old. That’s why I’m voting for the younger Trump.”

Experts were quick to weigh in on the track that was dropped at midnight on the official White House YouTube channel.

“Not since Nas’ ‘Ether’ or Kendrick Lamar’s recent ‘Not Like Us’ have we heard such an intense lyrical takedown of a pop culture icon,” said Maria Prescott, a musical historian and an expert on rap beefs. “Biden drops all kinds of double, triple, and even quadruple entendre while degrading Drake’s record sales, swag, entourage, and time on ‘Degrassi.’ The spoken word opening in which he says that Drake can download the song as a PDF file made me pause the track and pour myself a drink. It’s a brutal opening and really sets the tone for the onslaught that follows.”

At press time, Drake was seen staring out windows while a single tear fell from his eye.

Opinion: I Actually Work at the Dick Sucking Factory. Here’s Why I’m Voting ‘Yes’ to Unionize

Posted on July 13, 2024 by Ben Friedman

Since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution, the ruling class has done their best to extract as much capital from their workers while subjecting them to low pay, dangerous working conditions, and soul-crushing hours. It was only through ironclad solidarity (and a whole lot of violence) that any workers’ rights were established, and data clearly shows those very rights have been eroding for the past 40 years.

So when you tell me you’re going to come down to the dick sucking factory to slap the dicks out of my mouth and see how I like it, I can tell you I’m not going to like that very fucking much. And that’s exactly why I’m voting to unionize this workplace.

These privileged, silver spoon-licking troglodytes in their ivory towers could never fathom putting in 10 hours of neck-breaking, throat-ravaging, head a day to keep their kids in daycare. For every dick we suck, they make the same amount giving ten-second handjobs. How is that even remotely fair?

We all saw what happened at the shit eating factory last month when those jobs were outsourced to Mexico, and now there’s talk of ass licking going completely automated in Nashville. It’s only a matter of time before we’re next just to appease the investors. They can tell me what to do the day I see them work ten graveyard shifts in a row gargling shaft.

All we want is fair compensation, along with chiropractic and arthritis care added to the health insurance package. You can’t even imagine how many of us have the necks of a 70-year-old. Oh, and we want the company to provide protective goggles! Ridiculous, I know. We had six guys lose an eye last year alone.

If this vote passes and the head honchos won’t meet our demands, I am absolutely ready to walk away and go on strike. When the carpet munchers in Lansing joined the plumbers union, they had to strike for six months but they won. Now they can actually feel their jaws when they go home at night.

They may threaten to replace us with those scabs from the truck stop glory holes off of I-90, but we’ll seize the means of production one way or another, even by the balls if we have to. My father was a dick sucker and so was his father. This is my bloodline I’m protecting.

Power to the people!