White House to Debut Non-Woke Version of Jesus Christ Called John America

Posted on by Sean Fallon

WASHINGTON — The White House announced the debut of a non-woke version of Jesus Christ called John America, confirmed sources.

“Republicans love Jesus,” said Tom Pool, head of the White House spiritual marketing department. “But some of his woke agenda doesn’t translate to the modern MAGA voter and their values. Our focus groups found Jesus too weak on borders, too anti-capitalist, and too potentially brown for their tastes. We felt Jesus needed an update to bring him in line with modernity and voting trends in the white males over 45 with no college education demographic.”

Abigail Stan, one of the architects of the fascist playbook Project 2025, welcomed the update.

“Jesus is a woke libtard,” said Stan, taking a break from her hobby of drowning puppies. “John America doesn’t turn the other cheek; he pulls out a Glock. He doesn’t love thy neighbor; he reports his neighbor to ICE. The meek shall inherit the Earth? John America waterboards the meek at Gitmo before breakfast, then promotes his cryptocoin before lunch. I could think of 1488 other reasons why he’s great, but these puppies won’t drown themselves.”

Pope Leo XIV spoke out against this dictionary definition act of heresy.

“You can’t just make a new Jesus,” said the Pope from his offices in the Vatican, where he was leading a mass and giving his congregation communion wine and deep-dish Chicago-style pizza. “Admittedly, there were a bunch of other messiahs getting around during the years that Jesus was active, and the Bible is a hodgepodge collection of texts that were handpicked by Constantine the Great to best create our religion. And while we can’t verify most of the events of the Bible, and some claim that there’s a lot of potential mistranslations and exaggeration within the gospels, we already have a Jesus, and that’s that. Also, John America?! What kind of fuck ass name is that?”

Despite the controversy, Variety reports that Mel Gibson is tapped to direct a movie about John America starring Chris Pratt and Russell Brand to be released in time for Oscar season.

AITA for Lighting My Homemade Guy on Fire Because Teaching Him Stuff Was Getting Exhausting? — Guest Post by Victor Frankenstein

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Okay, so I made a guy. Kind of like how God can make a guy, but I made mine at home out of scrap parts instead of with magic or however it normally works. Well, not home exactly. It was a big old abandoned tower. Didn’t really look into why. We spent Lord knows how much refitting it with tubes and lightning stuff.

And I know what you’re thinking. “Parts?” Yes, they were parts of other guys, but they were very dead. Like blown-into-pieces dead. I promise they weren’t just sleeping guys. I had to stitch everything together because of how blown up the pieces were. Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with the details.

So here’s the deal: after stitching him together, I figured out how to explode life into my homemade guy. At first, it was incredible. Just that it worked at all. But after the excitement wore off, it was not what I expected. He lives and breathes, sure, but he just doesn’t know anything. He’s basically a brand-new guy; didn’t come with anything out of the box.

I guess he did figure out a couple of things quickly. He was walking around, feeling faces. But when I pictured all of this, I figured he’d be really smart. I imagined having long conversations over tea with my monster guy. Or at least that the brains I superglued into his head would remember something. But nothing. I have to teach him everything. It’s exhausting. 

And don’t act like I didn’t try, I did! I gave it a couple days of teaching him words like “Victor.” But after that, I started figuring out what worked for me. Like how I’d locked him in the basement. That way, he can’t keep giving me leaves as presents. So annoying. But even then, whenever I go down there, he still wants stuff. Hugs. Water. Learning. It’s too much.

So I did what felt right in the moment, which was dousing the tower in gasoline and lighting it on fire.

But now he’s really mad about the whole being-set-on-fire thing. But it’s not like he even died! Still, he travels the earth, hunting me endlessly, begging for companionship. Enough already!

So… is he overreacting, or am I the asshole for lighting my homemade guy on fire because he was getting exhausting?

Erika Kirk Takes Quiet Moment To Mourn With Only Six Confetti Cannons

Posted on by Charles Bill

PHOENIX, Ariz. — A somber Erika Kirk took a quiet, personal moment to mourn her late husband with only six confetti cannons, confirmed sources.

“I miss Charlie every day,” said a widely smiling Kirk as children with sparklers ran about her, tossing flowers. “Sometimes it helps to take a while for myself to think about the life and death of my husband accompanied by a string quartet instead of a complete marching band. I still remember my husband’s last wish, besides wishing that there was more gang violence to confuse mass shooting statistics. He said to me, ‘Erika, if I ever die in the most ironic way humanly possible, please mourn me as if you were giving a motivational speech to a Fortune 500 company.’”

While Mrs. Kirk was wiping a single tear out of her White Walker eyes, she was supported by a caring friend.

“What’s most important is that when she gets over him, I’ll be here for her,” said Vice President of the United States and human bobble-head JD Vance. “All my life I’ve watched as the cool jocks like Charlie Kirk and Donald Trump get the girls, and now I have a chance to swoop in and maybe get a kiss or a hug from Erika. She’s so cute, I love that she hates the same people I do and has no discernible human emotions. She lets me touch her on stage, but then when I try to take her out for a soda pop after, she gives me the cold shoulder and talks to the stage manager about pyrotechnics. I wish my wife was dead.”

Although Mrs. Kirk’s public bereavement over her husband has drawn criticism, experts in mourning indicate it is entirely normal.

“This behavior is totally fine and expected among raging psychopaths,” said grief expert Dr. Sanjay Patel. “Most people will stay at home with their children and mourn privately, but if you’re an insane person without compassion, you’ll see your husband’s death as the perfect opportunity to thrust yourself into the limelight. It’s a totally natural grieving process, which specifically includes denial, anger, bargaining, backup dancers while you give a speech about immigrants, a speaking tour, merchandise selling, depression, and acceptance.”

When reached for further comment, Mrs. Kirk glared into a camera for three minutes without blinking.

RFK Jr. Recommends Children Smoke No More Than Two Cigarettes a Day

Posted on by Brian Wishart

WASHINGTON — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. revised the recommended amount of cigarettes children should smoke daily from zero to no more than two, confirmed sources who encourage parents to moderate their children’s cigarette intake rather than completely forbid it. 

“Most adults were children at some point so logically Making America Healthy Again starts with the kids,” said Kennedy. “The facts are out there and the lungs of small children need to have nicotine coating to protect against microplastics and autism. People smoked all the time when I grew up and I grew up big, strong and normal. Inhaling cigarette smoke should not be feared. It should be encouraged to build endurance. Cigarettes are here to stay and the nation’s youth should adapt to smoking rather than reject it entirely.”

Terresa Gallaghar is a second grade student whose parents have encouraged her to follow the new government guidelines

“I hate it,” said Gallaghar. “It’s icky and smells bad. I hate the taste! It makes my fingers yellow! Mommy and Daddy have both said this is going to be good for me in the long term. I will get over the coughing eventually. At least my friends think I look cool with a dart in my hand. I have been feeling angry and sad during class when I cannot smoke. I am a lot more excited for recess because that’s when I am able to smoke with the older kids and teachers in the parking lot.”

Samara Hassan, a spokesperson for the American Lung Association, is critical of the government’s new directive and believes that smoking is not that healthy of a habit for children to develop.

“This is a reckless policy that is not backed by science,” said Hassan. “The scientific community has spent decades informing Americans that cigarette smoke can cause lung cancer and it increases the risk of heart disease. The government is not using fact-based methodology to help the public make healthy choices. I personally encourage my own children that they should, at best, only smoke one cigarette per day.”

At press time, Kennedy also recommended children consume no more than one glass of whiskey per night.

Do You Have a Gambling Problem? Good — Guest Article by Draftkings

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Here at DraftKings, we strive to provide a safe and fun environment for all your sports betting needs. But like anything in life, throwing your hard-earned money on the odds of twelve simultaneous bets hitting at once comes with detrimental financial and mental risks. That’s why we want to remind any of you who come to us for their gambling entertainment to do so responsibly by recognizing the signs of having a gambling addiction.

But in saying that, if you do have a gambling problem, well then, we couldn’t be happier about it!

We know how exciting the feedback loop of winning bets can be. That’s why we spend $100 million per year on advertising to flood every waking second of your day with Kevin Hart commercials and sports analysts discussing odds over actual gameplay. There is quite literally no escape, so why not give in and let DraftKings dominate all your financial decisions and impulse control?

We raked in over $6 billion in revenue last year alone, and we certainly didn’t achieve that by telling people to quit gambling.

But for the sake of meeting the bare minimum requirements, please know when we provide the gambling addiction hotline in size 5 font at the bottom of our ads that we’re doing so with a metaphorical wink, because our in-house research shows that anyone who’s been forced into an intervention by their loved ones is just one parlay hit away from quitting their job. Trust us.

Don’t sit here and act like you think football is exciting. You need something to liven up all the downtime between snaps, so why not fill that void with worrying you’re going to lose your house? You’re just going to spend that money on something stupid, like baby formula or the heating bill.

DraftKings knows you have a choice when it comes to the unyielding proliferation of online sports books, and we thank you for choosing to destroy your life with us. Tell you what, if you don’t tell your wife that you just blew your kid’s college fund, we’ll throw you a $5 credit to try and win it all back on a 1,000,000 to 1 odds bet that the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl. You’re gonna need that money for the impending divorce. 

Just one more bet couldn’t hurt, right?

Loudwire Ranks Mushroomhead Best Nu-Metal Band Named After the Tip of a Penis

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WINDSOR, Colo. — Online media magazine Loudwire anointed Cleveland’s Mushroomhead as the best nu-metal band named after the tip of a penis, sources report.

“We put a lot of thought into this,” said Loudwire writer Scott Connellson. “There are a lot of nu-metal bands out there, but when it comes to those that are named after cockhead, none of the others really comes close to Mushroomhead. Just look at their catalog. With songs like ‘Solitaire/Unraveling’ and ‘Sun Doesn’t Rise,’ how could anybody think that any other penis-tip nu-metal band comes close? Sure, there are bands like Limp Bizkit and Godhead, but we were specifically looking for bands named after the part of the penis where the hole is, and when it came to that, it was no contest.”

Band member Steve “Skinny” Felton was honored by Loudwire’s claim.

“I’ve dedicated my life to this band since we started in 1993, and it has all finally paid off,” Felton gushed. “You have to understand, we didn’t want to be just like every other nu-metal band. We wanted to be the first nu-metal band that people think of when the concept of a penis tip is mentioned. After all these decades of grinding it out to make a living from writing music and touring, we have something we can point to when people ask us if it was all worth it. Let this be a lesson to anyone who wants to start a nu-metal band named after a phallic tip. You can do anything you set your mind to, so don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.”

Roger “D.V.Ent” Warner of British nu-metal band Bellend was disappointed by the news. 

“I really thought my band would make it to the top of this ranking,” Warner lamented. “I mean, I guess I can’t be too upset, though. Mushroomhead are the true progenitors of nu-metal bands named for the penile glans, so if we were going to lose to any band, it makes sense that it would be them. If I’m being completely honest, we never would have gotten into the penis-tip nu-metal game if it weren’t for them. I’d like to congratulate the guys in Mushroomhead and say that it’s an absolute honor to lose to them.”

At press time, Loudwire also ranked Mudvayne the best nu-metal band named after an anus.

Everyone at Coffee Shop Falls for Each Other After ‘Fade Into You’ Plays

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Patrons at a local coffee shop reportedly became infatuated with one another after Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” played over the shop speakers, sources confirmed.

“My coworker Brian is absolutely obsessed with some Spotify playlist called Gentle Indie Glow,” said Sarah McDougal, barista at The Bean and The Grind. “Every so often, ‘Fade Into You’ plays, and without fail, everyone in the shop falls hopelessly in love. I tried telling Brian to cut it out with the playlist, and, by the way, to stop using Spotify since they happily run ICE recruitment ads, but he just won’t quit. He claims the playlist makes him feel safe at work and that no other streaming service has a comparable playlist, which is complete bullshit. I’ve resorted to wearing earplugs while working. So far, so good. I haven’t briefly fallen in love in three weeks.”

Local college student Roger Whitman, a regular at the shop, confirmed that he fell deeply in love with everyone there.

“When that song started, it was as if every soul, every being, became a single, radiant heartbeat,” said Whitman, half erect, trembling with awe, tears streaming down his face. “In that moment, I was completely in love with everyone here—from the older gentleman reading the New York Times in the corner to the woman tapping furiously on her MacBook across from me. But it wasn’t just them. I realized that everything, all things, are love. The boundaries between myself and everything else dissolved into the infinite hum of being itself. It was both a fleeting, ecstatic vision and somehow perfectly ordinary, always accessible, like a secret loudly whispered for all eternity.”

Riley Parker, a music psychologist at the University of Vermont, says songs like “Fade Into You” can activate latent collective limerence, likening it to a “sonic pheromone.”

“Music has the power to do incredible things, and let me tell you, this song is one of the most powerful out there,” said Parker. “In fact, the 1994 Winter Olympics in Lillehammer almost didn’t happen. ‘Fade Into You,’ which had been released just the previous September, was accidentally played over the loudspeakers in the Olympic village, and witnesses reported mass swooning, spontaneous kissing, and what can only be described as an outbreak of ephemeral, otherworldly love. Security barely managed to restart the curling matches.”

At press time, the love spell cast on the coffee shop was broken when the playlist was changed and Puddle of Mudd’s “She Hates Me” began playing.

Opinion: Why Would I Watch Reality TV When I Can Just Watch the People I Care About Destroy Themselves With Terrible Choices and Do Nothing To Intervene?

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

Price gouging for streaming services has reached a point of absurdity. That’s why I broadened my horizons for what I am entertained by, and you can, too! Because you know what’s always free? Watching the people that you care about ruin their lives while you kick back and enjoy the show.

I’ve always been a reality TV fan (sorry, not sorry). There are few things that I love more than the thrill of watching some rich piece of shit faced with an eminently solvable problem that still manages to ruin their day. Cooking show drama is at its peak when some alleged chef believes they can make a risotto in fifteen minutes like an asshole. However, my tastes in the genre became refined concurrently with my funds being siphoned from my account with an expedience not seen since the great depression. I found that all reality TV just wasn’t raw enough for my taste. So, still needing my thirst for real-time drama satiated, I discovered the realest reality of all. Because what could possibly be more visceral than watching someone that I personally know ruin their lives?

Not only is it an absolute gas to watch people you care about slip into psychotic conspiracy theory ideologies, or go on racist tirades and lose their jobs, but it’s also free, and you can watch it anywhere you get a signal! 

Who cares what the Kardashians are doing when I can watch a dear friend spend every spare dollar they make on schedule one narcotics and then post about their connections to a higher power or some drug-addled bullshit that sounds like if the Joker wrote manifestos for NPR? 

Love is Blind looks like amateur hour compared to seeing story after story posted of a friend returning to their dogshit partner and then announcing that they’re gonna have a baby now! That’s entertainment for years to come, and it can’t get cancelled! Project Runway has nothing on seeing my best friend from middle school get a face tattoo of a crucifix.

Move over, Masterchef, because one of my friends just spent all their money on a “cultivating the divine masculine within” retreat in LA and got stabbed and left for dead! 

So, don’t lament, reader. Unbeatable entertainment is all around you. All you have to do is care enough to look for it, but not enough to do anything about it. 

Aging Goregrind Band Now Just Taking Lyrical Inspiration From the Changes Naturally Occurring in Their Own Bodies

Posted on by Steve Packosky

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Goregrind band Masticated Genitalia found themselves deriving inspiration from transformations they observed in their own bodies as they got older, sources report.

“When we got started in the early 2000s, I was using an old medical textbook to come up with song ideas and lyrics,” bassist and vocalist Jeff Carter reflected. “That’s where I got titles like ‘Botched Perineoplasty’ and ‘Projectile Torrents of Regurgated Smegmatic Discharge.’ Now that I’ve hit middle age, though, it’s a lot easier for me to just use the daily experience of getting older to gather ideas. I actually just finished writing the lyrics to our upcoming song ‘Advanced Testicular Distension’ after noticing how much my ballsack sags now. A lot of people get stressed out by the process of getting older, but it’s working out pretty well for us.”

Fan Tomas Andrikkson understood what his favorite band was doing.

“I totally get where the guys in Masticated Genitalia are coming from,” Andrikkson said. “I just turned 40 myself, and the other day I got dizzy from standing up too fast. This happened just a couple days after I pulled my groin just stepping into the driver’s seat of my car. I’m going through bullshit like this on a daily basis now, to the point where I’m considering starting a goregrind band myself. Getting old is fucking metal as hell, dude. There’s really no need to get inventive when it comes to writing brutal song lyrics.”

Metal expert Rochelle Asefa weighed in on the situation.

“With extreme metal still being a relatively new genre, we’re just now starting to see bands reach their middle and golden years,” Asefa provided. “And representatives of all subgenres are using it as their muse when writing new material or exhibiting behaviors typical of their music’s style. I just did a case study of an old black metal band in Norway that set fire to their nursing home because they were too tired to walk to the nearest church, and I’ve heard that there’s an old progressive death metal guitarist who set his pacemaker to have his heart beat at 150 BPMs so he could use it as a metronome. We will continue to see situations like this going forward, so I’m excited to see what the future has in store for us.”

At press time, Masticated Genitalia decided to write a concept album about Carter’s upcoming colonoscopy.

JD Vance Relieved To Learn Couch Unharmed After Home Vandalization

Posted on by Matt Dooman

CINCINNATI — A suspect is in custody today after breaking a window in the Ohio home of Vice President JD Vance, who expressed tremendous relief that none of his prized couches were harmed in the altercation. 

“When I first got the call, a million horrifying thoughts came into my mind. ‘Are the couches okay? Are they all accounted for? Has there been any damage to the upholstery?’ It was a truly terrifying moment,” recalled Vance during a Zoom interview this morning. “Thankfully, the only thing that was damaged was a window and my family’s psyche. It’s moments like these where you really just need to count your blessings and thank God for keeping your furniture safe. If anything ever happened to Lesslie (my Crate & Barrel 2-piece sectional), I honestly don’t know what I would do.” 

The Vice President was evidently still rattled by the incident, continuing to catastrophize what may have become of his most intimately cherished furnishings. 

“I wasn’t worried about the brown leather channel from Poly and Bark, hell, I can tell you firsthand that whatever you dish out to that baddie, she’ll throw it right back, but the La-Z-Boy Piper? The antique fainting couch? Hell, Brittany is just an ottoman for Christ’s sake, she’d be defenseless!”   

A Secret Service agent recalled debriefing the Vice President on the incident. 

“He was pretty anxious on the phone. I made sure to tell him that his family was safe right off the bat, but he kept saying ‘What about my loved ones?!’ Took us a while to figure out he was talking about the couches. Aside from a few questionable stains that looked like they had been there long before the vandalism incident, they seemed fine. Then we handed the phone over to his wife, and before she could get a word out, I just heard him screaming, ‘Put the couch on the phone! I want to talk to the couch!’ I guess being shook up like that makes a man behave strangely sometimes.” 

This is a breaking story, and we will have more as it develops.