Scientists Confirm Democrat Lawmakers’ Spines Are Softest Naturally Occurring Material on Earth

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

BOSTON, Mass. — Scientists confirmed that Democrat lawmakers’ spines are by far the softest material on the planet, and quite possibly in the known universe, confirmed sources who didn’t have any follow-up questions.

“We didn’t think it was physically possible for anything to be so flimsy,” said lead researcher at MIT, Dr. Helen Klovitz. “The findings have been truly remarkable. They failed every single one of our strength tests. We had to invent more and they failed them too. The most incredible thing is their readiness to crumble. Most spines collapsed before experiments even began, many while they were just filling out the preliminary paperwork. The mere possibility of external pressure being applied was enough for them to preemptively give way. In fact, we found that jellyfish are far more durable than Adam Schiff’s spinal column.”

Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer, found curled up in the fetal position under his office desk, dismissed the findings as propaganda.

“Clearly this study was orchestrated by Russia. Or Joe Rogan. Or Bernie Sanders. Or voters who aren’t smart enough to see how brilliant we are. Quite possibly they’re all in cahoots with each other,” Schumer mumbled while his bones were audibly liquefying. “The important thing at this historical moment is to continue to oppose President Trump and the Republicans by giving them stern looks of disappointment and occasionally waving a clenched fist behind closed doors. This will set us up well for the midterms.”

Independent voter Alice Womble took a moment from screaming into a pillow to share her experiences trying to get in touch with local representatives.

“I feel stuck,” Womble said. “When I call my local Democrats’ office I get a pre-recorded message saying, ‘The Republicans are in power, call them.’ When I call my local Republicans’ office they just kind of laugh maniacally. Is there not some space between snivelling cowards and assholes with a death wish? I just want the minimum wage to be raised and healthcare for all. And it turns out, Democrats are evolutionary challenged to put forth meaningful laws or fight for anything.”

At press time, research had moved on to whether Republican lawmakers’ hearts are the hardest naturally occurring material on earth.

Opinion: If We’re Going To Ignore Years of Medical Research, We Should at Least Make Cigarettes Healthy Again

Posted on by Holden Klym

Look, I’m not one to complain. For the past sixty years, I’ve been a proud American who’s enjoyed exactly two things: my freedoms and my smokes. Science took both of those joys away from me. Now that modern medicine isn’t real, I have one request: let’s bring back the golden age of cigarettes.

Think about it: if we’re learning that vaccines are a government conspiracy, seat belts don’t work, and drinking raw milk straight from the cow is safer than what’s on store shelves, then why are we still acting like smoking is bad?

Back in my day, doctors prescribed a pack of Camels for a scratchy throat. I used to be able to light up in a hospital room without the nurse asking me to stop blowing smoke in my newborn’s face. Now my kid can’t go buy me a pack until he’s 21? There’s no point in even being a father.

Nowadays everyone is “tobacco-free” and in therapy. These younger generations are all hooked on SSRIs when they should be solving their issues with a Newport and a lighter. Take mental health out of the health industry and put Big Tobacco back where it belongs. Let’s put a Surgeon General’s warning on nicotine cessation products that says, “You’re embarrassing your grandfather.”

Men need role models that will teach ‘em how to roll their own cigarettes at a young age to avoid succumbing to the so-called masculinity crisis. This never happened when we had the Marlboro Man. You think he worried about his lung capacity? No, sir. He lit up, took a deep drag, and kept being a damn American. He didn’t go to drag shows and complain about the environment, he polluted the world as much as he saw fit. Let’s remind today’s youth that a real man doesn’t sip kombucha — he breathes in pure, unfiltered freedom.

So, until we start treating cigarettes with the respect they deserve, I refuse to quit. My body, my choice, right?

King Diamond Hoping Nobody Notices His Latest Concept Album Just the Plot of “Hocus Pocus”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

COPENHAGEN — Prolific metal singer King Diamond hoped nobody would notice his eponymous band’s new concept album “Infernal Curse” followed the same plot as the 1993 children’s fantasy film “Hocus Pocus,” sources report.

“I entered the studio with a great idea for a story,” Diamond said sheepishly. “It dealt with three witches from the 17th century who were resurrected after a virgin lit a black candle on All Hallow’s Eve, and the efforts to stop them made by a man they had cursed into being an immortal black cat hundreds of years ago. It wasn’t until the entire album had been written and recorded that it came to my attention that this had already been done in a quirky Halloween movie in the early ‘90s. I was pushing 40 at the time, so how was I supposed to know? The only thing I can do now is go forward with the album and hope nobody notices the several references to Sarah Jessica Parker.”

King Diamond fan Patrick Clark the lyrical content of the new album sounded familiar.

“Hell yeah, I’m so pumped for a new album from the King!” Clark exclaimed as he opened his preorder of the CD. “It’s been 18 years, so I can’t wait to hear Andy Larocque’s signature neoclassical shredding and those classic falsetto vocals again. It’s also great that their albums are primarily concepts, because I love a good scary story. I was reading the Wiki on this one while waiting for it to arrive and it seems vaguely familiar to me. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I felt like it was something I already knew. Eh, whatever. I’m sure it’ll come to me eventually.”

Metal culture expert Zara Daeng provided her opinion on Diamond’s oversight.

“This is actually more common than you’d think,” Daeng offered. “Heavy metal deals with notoriously dark and evil subject matter, and these themes tend to be much more prevalent in children’s movies than one would initially believe. Take a look at all the needless and preventable deaths of children in ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,’ or children being trapped in paintings until they die in ‘The Witches.’ It’s entirely understandable that a metal band could borrow these ideas without even realizing it.”

At press time, King admitted that he had omitted the cover of “I Put a Spell on You” from the record’s final tracklist, as he was worried it would give him away.

Trump Announces New FIRE Agency to Forcibly Import White Foreigners to USA

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — President Trump announced the creation of the new Federal Institute for Regulating Ethnonormality (FIRE) agency that would complement ICE by importing white foreigners to the USA, sources confirmed.

“Today I’m announcing a tremendous new FIRE agency that will bring the very best whites from around the world to help make America great again. The first plane will soon arrive with my very good friend Conor McGregor, Herman Goebbels’ grandson, and the wonderful Roman Polanski,” said President Trump, signing an executive order. “We’re also working very hard to get Ivan Drago, who was treated very unfairly in ‘Rocky 4’ after he did us all a favor by taking care of a very nasty man, Apollo Creed. Many people are saying Creed only died because he was an unqualified DEI hire, but Rocky refused to apologize and unfairly blamed it on Russia. Witch hunt!”

Department of Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem assured Americans that the new immigration policy would be conducted with the most stringent, old-school racist rigor.

“Our FIRE agents are already hard at work identifying and importing the very best white candidates from robust talent pools of nationalist soccer hooligans, foreign conservative pundits, and Andrew Tate’s relatives,” said Noem, holding up a color swatch to a potential candidate’s photo. “Rest assured, we are only getting the proudest, whitest candidates to import and place in highly regarded government positions. In fact, President Trump has specifically instructed us to make sure none of those dirty Italians sneak in with the rest of the qualified whites.”

Afrikaner Jan de Groot was surprised that he was chosen to be imported to the USA from his native South Africa after meeting the FIRE agency’s qualifications.

“I woke up with a mean meth hangover after spending all night vandalizing Nelson Mandela murals so you can imagine my surprise when I woke up in Washington D.C. with a passport and a job!” said de Groot. “It’s nice to finally see a President willing to correct historic wrongs after I had to suffer thirty hard years of desegregation. Plus some creepy cunt wearing too much makeup called J.D. set me up with an office, turns out I’m the most qualified candidate to oversee America’s entire nuclear arsenal. Pretty lekker deal, mate!”

At press time, the ICE and FIRE agencies were setting up a trade that would send thousands of Mexican healthcare workers to Argentina in exchange for any living Nazis that fled there after World War II.

Opinion: Society Will Still Need Snarky Music Critics After Civilization Collapses

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Unless you’ve been blissfully unaware of any and all current events, this country is fucked. I’m not trying to sound defeatist but we’re looking at at least two or three plausible doomsday scenarios. It’s time to stop thinking about reverting to some comforting normalcy, to look ahead and reevaluate what our roles are going to be in order to keep humanity’s survival viable for future generations.

Which is why I would like to point out that no matter what happens, we definitely will still need snarky music critics to judge shitty music after the apocalypse.

With any luck, music will play a central role in self expression and building community beyond our current existence. And within that community a few gatekeepers will inform the masses as to which songs are cool and which ones are bland, homogenized drivel. We owe to our progeny the means for preventing the next Maroon 5 from happening.

Once anarchy reigns, we will need to be able to grow our own crops, procure access to clean water, and likely revert back to some kind of bartering system of commerce. But central to each remote settlement there needs to be at least one person with the skillset to refer to corny new music as a wet gorilla fart or something in order to make people feel better about their own musical shortcomings and/or superior tastes.

Look at Mad Max: Fury Road. You think they just automatically settled on guitars, Marshall stacks, and flamethrowers to play while tearing across the wasteland? No, there was probably some asshole who wanted cellos or something way less metal until a heroic blogger from the “before time” stepped in and pointed out how the 1800’s called and wanted their instruments back.

Think about it! As we rebuild society from the ashes of our own mutual destruction, we’re also going to have to do a cultural reset. Imagine 100 years from now, a research team will dig through the rubble and find some dipshit’s collection of Trapt albums. They’ll need a trusty music critic (or “oracle” as I assume we’ll be called) on hand to point out they fucking suck.

While we cannot truly predict what the next version of civilization (if there is one) has in store for us, hopefully, it’s a more egalitarian one where a pantheon of smug music critics like the ones at Pitchfork in the 2000s can sit side by side with the leaders of tomorrow.

Dude Will Not Shut Up About Being Stabbed Five Minutes Ago

Posted on by Peyton Cabral

TACOMA, Wash. — Local dude Grant Brentfield wouldn’t shut the hell up about being brutally attacked with a knife just a few moments ago, confirmed mildly inconvenienced sources.

“Like, we get it, man. You are gradually bleeding out onto the sidewalk, in excruciating pain the likes of which you’ve never experienced before, and need someone to call 9-11 for you. No need to keep going on and on about it,” said bystander Craig Vanguard. “A good 1,500 people a year die from knife-based attacks in the US, so this guy isn’t special or anything, no matter how much he tries to make this whole stabbing thing about himself. Some people just can’t read the room. For instance, I need to get to work and now I have to wait around for the police since I’m technically a witness to the incident. I don’t think I’d mind so much but he keeps on moaning like a baby. C’mon, at least try to take a knife to the abdomen like an adult.”

Brentfield just couldn’t seem to let it go.

“I’m starting to lose consciousness, so that’s probably where my sense of urgency is coming from,” said Brentfield. “I’m sorry to be such a bother to others, but if someone wouldn’t mind calling an ambulance that would really do me a solid right now. Oh, and if anyone happens to have a towel on them to help stop the bleeding, that would be huge. No worries, if not. I understand everyone is just walking around thinking about their own problems and likely not considering anyone else, including me who’s starting to think his intestines might be popping out. Being stabbed is just not all it’s cracked up to be.”

Experts noted that this phenomenon was nothing new.

“People have a tendency to use their struggles as a way to amplify themselves,” said counselor Gina Norman. “One day you’re making up new mental health disorders to garner sympathy, the next you’re using the gunshot wound you sustained 10 minutes ago to make everyone around within shouting distance pay attention to you. It’s gross. We live in a society. No one should be forced to acknowledge others’ existence, let alone help them in so-called trying times. We need to do better.”

At press time, a nearby man would not shut up about being run over by a Subaru Outback 10 minutes ago.

Vegan Finds It Harder to Eat Carrots Once He’s Named Them

Posted on by Jeff Bender

BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Local vegan Chuck Miller opened up about his struggle to eat vegetables, particularly carrots, after he’s given them names and personalities, irreverent sources reported.

“So what? I give my carrots names and sometimes dress them up in little costumes with vegan marshmallow eyes and a raisin nose and bean-sprout hair glued to their temples with non-honey honey,” said Miller, a class-action attorney. “This one I like to call Dr. Crunchy. He has a PhD in Yummies from Vitamin A University. That’s an Ivy League school, by the way. And would you look at this cute little coconut-shred collar-stay I put in his lettuce-leaf shirt! Ooh, you are so cute, Dr. Crunchy! I could just eat you up! Not literally. Actually, the only thing I can ethically consume anymore is beans. Mainly because naming individual garbanzo beans would just be psychotic.”

Miller’s life partner, Emma Robinson, expressed irritation at her husband’s reluctance to eat the “very expensive” organic groceries they buy each week at their local farmer’s market.

“It makes things very difficult for us to get calories, when he’s always like, ‘No! Don’t eat that! You’re going to ruin the friendship!’ and always giving our daughter Elizabeth vegetables in ‘families’ of three that resemble us,” said Robinson. “Often Elizabeth cries when she comes home because she ate something and ruined Daddy’s little ‘world.’ I can’t live like this! When I was a kid I would eat a whole stalk of celery and feel nothing. Now I feel like a savage when I take a bite out of Todd, which is the apple Chuck named this morning.”

Celebrity vegan Travis Barker sympathized with Miller, going so far as to say that plants are “people too.”

“What have they done to harm anyone? And yet look at the way we treat them—gnashing them with our teeth, forcing them down our throats even as they scream, ‘No! No!’ and shoving them off into our undignified large intestines. Nobody deserves that—especially not my little drummer friends Fig Collins and Ringo Starr-Fruit,” said the Blink-182 drummer, holding up two pieces of dolled-up produce. “‘Protect plants’ is what I say. ‘Save the plants!’ That’s why I’ve sworn off eating altogether. It’s inhumane.”

At press time, Miller also revealed that it was much more difficult to drink water after he’s named each individual glass of it.

We Interviewed One of Those Guys With a “We the People Are Pissed Off” Flag Outside Their House and It Turns Out He’s So Angry Because “Freaks and Geeks” Was Canceled After Only One Season

Posted on by Steve Packosky

You may think of us as a punk website, but it’s long been our goal to evolve into a source of objective news for all Americans. As such, we have begun interviewing everyday members of the working class to hear their takes on the state of our country, regardless of whether they happen to align with ours. That’s why we recently sat down with 67-year-old Carl Tresser of Stillwater, NY to learn what fuels his grievances after we noticed a “We the People Are Pissed Off!” flag outside his house. We hoped to find common ground with this individual by learning the true nature of his discontent, and in doing so bridging the gap between us and maybe even working together to heal the hostile divide that’s been so detrimental to our nation.

The Hard Times: Hi Carl, how are you?

Carl Tresser: Well, The Hard Times, like every decent American, I’m furious!

HT: Well, let’s get to the bottom of this, Carl. Why are you so angry?

CT: The citizens of this once-great nation are wise to the bullshit that’s been sold to us. If those woke groomers over at NBC think they can just leave the American people hanging after Lindsay Weir skipped out on her academic summit to follow the Grateful Dead on tour, they‘ve got a world of hurt coming their way!

HT: Wait, what?

CT: Did I stutter? That program was a goddamn masterpiece, and we only got one season of it. For what? “Scrubs?” That one was alright, but it was nowhere near as good. “Crossing Jordan?” Can you even tell me what that fucking show was about?

HT: Hold on, are you talking about “Freaks and Geeks?”

CT: What else would I be talking about? I’m a goddamn patriot! I love my family, I love my God, and I just want to know if Daniel Desario continued hanging out with the Geeks after he played Dungeons and Dragons with them that one time. Well I’ll tell you one thing: the American people aren’t going to stand for this much longer. It’s only a matter of time until we rise up, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

HT: We certainly weren’t expecting that to be the reason for your outspoken ire.

CT: Well, I have no idea what you thought it might’ve been. And I haven’t even mentioned that we never got closure between Sam and Cindy. I mean, they broke up, but did they ever get back together? I guess we’ll never know, and it’s because of this that I proudly fly that flag on my front porch.

HT: OK, yeah, I mean, we were pretty disappointed when that show got canceled, too. It was really good and stopping it so suddenly definitely didn’t seem justified.

CT: Fucking right. It’s like I’m always saying, cancel culture has gone too far!

HT: Just out of curiosity, do you have any particular feelings on our current political climate?

CT: Oh, that? Well, I voted for Kamala just because I can’t stand Trump, but I’m pretty apolitical for the most part.

HT: Oh, cool! Well, it was nice to meet you, Carl! Thanks so much for taking the time to speak with us.

CT: Of course! Always good to chat with fellow fans of my favorite show.

There you have it! We had a lot more in common with Carl than we had anticipated, so much so that we actually went out and bought one of those flags to hang outside of our office. As for “Freaks and Geeks,” we may never get the justice we deserve for having such a brilliant show taken from us so soon, but at least we can find solace in our fellow countrymen and women who feel equally aggrieved in its cancellation.

The Wiggles and Raffi to Headline When We Were Even Younger Festival

Posted on by Shane Pauker

LAS VEGAS — Organizers announced that kids’ music legends The Wiggles and Raffi will headline the upcoming When We Were Even Younger festival, confirmed sources.

“Former scene kids bought When We Were Young tickets by the fistful just to experience a weekend of nostalgia. We knew other age brackets would have the same success,” stated festival organizer Ashley Corn. “Our staff of Freudian analysts say that infancy is the next-best period for capitalizing on fans’ psychosexual development, so we jumped on the opportunity. When We Were Even Younger will bring all of the biggest names in kid rock to a common stage. Attendees will get to listen to the biggest artists they loved when they were in elementary school and didn’t know any better. The VIP package will include a meet and greet with Barney.”

The spin-off festival quickly found an audience willing to pay for non-prog songs about whales and fruit.

“I saw these musicians as a kid, but I don’t remember any of their sets,” explained festival ticket holder Mark Sanchez. “Now I’m going to see them as a bonafide grown-up. I can’t wait to see ‘Fruit Salad’ in the sober lucidity of a music festival in the desert. I’m going to remember these moments for the rest of my life. And even if I don’t — well, when I was a kid, what happened in my diaper stayed in my diaper. As I understand it, Vegas is kind of like the diaper of adulthood. Whatever happens can stay there.”

The headliners couldn’t wait to play a different kind of show than what they were used to.

“I’ve had 34 years of crying and screaming and teething from the audience. I just want sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll without judgy side-eyes from the chick in the dinosaur costume,” complained Anthony Field, the last original Wiggle still in the band. “It’s not some glamorous lifestyle as a touring kids’ musician. You’re crashing on the Gymboree floor for naptime and hoping your gear doesn’t get stolen out of your comically undersized Big Red Car. And it’s not like you can party in between gigs; you can’t do a bump off a key that’s jingling in front of you. This Wiggle needs to cut loose and live out the lifestyle he’s earned.”

At press time, They Might Be Giants were rumored to join the lineup as well, but it remains unclear whether they will play any of their child-oriented content.

Report: IRS Will Allow Citizens To Choose Between Taxes Going Towards Billionaires or Genocide

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Tax Day is upon us, and while it has never been popular (unless you’re getting money back, you lucky bastards) this year it is especially contentious. With it being more obvious this country is being run by a bunch of yahoos who want to fuck around on our dime, it’s hard to tell where exactly 40% of our paychecks are going and if we’ll ever benefit from it.

In a rare show of transparency and honesty though, the IRS has announced all U.S. citizens will have the option to choose whether their tax payments will line the pockets of our nation’s wealthiest CEOs, or have the money fuel the nation’s genocidal foreign campaigns.

“Let’s be real, we were never going to get around replacing lead pipes and fixing all the dilapidated bridges. So the goons at DOGE figured this transparency effort will not only inform the public how their tax dollars are being utilized but allow them to choose between the only two things the government cares about funding,” said IRS agent Grant Smith. “I mean the Fed was going to blow it all on tax breaks for millionaires and missiles anyway, but at least now we can put the blame squarely on the American people since we’re putting the onus on them.”

For those of you who are real sticklers about how your money is being spent, fear not, unless you’re poor or live in the Middle East! The IRS will provide all citizens with Form 69-420 (Elon’s idea, obviously) where you can write in specifically which CEO’s yacht you’d like to subsidize or a specific country you’d like to see subjugated by the military in order to extract their rare minerals. It’s a win/win, especially if you’re heavily invested in Lockheed Martin.

“Before everyone starts bitching,” Smith added, “each year we’re going to swap out which ruling class entity people want to fund. So far we’re thinking of either President Trump crypto coin or wiping out remote villages in Africa for their rare earth minerals for 2026.”

Of course, anyone opposed to abetting homicidal oligarchs need not worry, as the IRS has been working directly with TurboTax to automatically yank money out of those individuals’ bank accounts and make the decision for them! Whichever way you look at it, there’s no doubt that this is all completely fucked up. But hey, we finally have our answer as to where the United States priorities are at.

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